I think I’m going to try and write a new series of posts. I’m not sure how long it will last but I have a good idea. Before the internet, people would write love letters and have pen pals to write back and forth. So I think I’m going to put them both together and write some love letters. Unfortunately I don’t have them address to anyone but I guess I’ll leave it to you guys and gals to read and take it as you wish. Perhaps it is time to reveal the inner workings of my personality through intimate notes. Will you be able to handle it?
I guess this is coming to a head since the past half decade has been abysmal for my social life. I’ve met people for sure but I never found someone I could really date. To that end I tried a bit of online dating, still nothing turned up to be substantial. I think it’s the age I am and the people who use dating websites. With accessibility to apps that pander style over substance, it’s tough to find someone. For the past fours years I’ve actually kept an active dating profile on Plenty Of Fish. I’ve gotten a few messages for sure but either I wasn’t right or they have lost interest in me. In a way, this is me disclosing a personal part of me so it doesn’t consume me as it did before. I rarely updated my profile but this week, I changed it from upbeat to very honest. As I wrote it a realized it’s blogging material, it maybe a bit too personal on the internet. However I do this it’s best to leave it out in the open and leave it as a way of saying “Hi, this is me. Sorry I’m not what you expected.” With that I think I should leave what I left behind.
The best to to really tell you what I want is to lay out everything to you, anonymous women of the internet. So here’s the uncut uncensored things you should know about me after you are done reading and you still find me a worthwhile pursuit, then please message me.
I do best to be stick to my own personal ethics; courage, honesty, and love. I chose these because I think they outline my personality. Honesty because I like to be truthful, I do sometimes lie but I’m never good at it. Whether it’s my skewed knowledge of the world to say it or out of curious intent, I’ll say it. Much of it is reinforced by how my life kind of turned out to me; more below. Courage because I am willing to do what is right even when everyone says it’s wrong. I put everyone else before myself, probably because I’m still discovering part of myself. I have been know to disregard my own health to help others because sometimes I feel I don’t control myself as I should like others, that shouldn’t be seen as courage but it would look that way. Lastly love since it’s fitting to everything I do and to why I’m on (and still on) PoF. I do what to do to express my joy and care to my work or to the people I know. Though I know you, doesn’t mean I love you. The way we personally respect each other really determines the devotion I would put into someone. There is no formula or equation, I rely on my instinct and past experiences tell me if I want to do something out of love.
As I’m writing this I feel hesitant to mention but I feel it’s important. I don’t want any sympathy, I just want an open ear and hopefully someone open heart and understand it all. Growing up as a kid, I lived under the middle class. My family had a home but were just making ends meet. In school, I was bullied a lot which seems to be a demographic consensus about the 90’s. I got picked on for not having all the pop culture goodies like a Game Boy, cable TV or Pokemon cards. Also I was made fun because I was slow, fat and gay. Two of those were true, I was slow and fat. I think everyone was a bit homophobic for the time. At home, I would describe living as stale. I would always walk home at school and never had the chance to go play. I would be at home doing homework and watch TV. I was never exposed to pop culture; only things I knew was Cops, The Simpsons, The X-Files and the news. Most of my childhood was stuck indoors with homework or TV or being beaten by my dad. It’s only later in my life near high school I finally got my first Game Boy and got to see more of the world through the Internet. I never had a single friend because I didn’t go out and play which I guess led me to be a bit shy and reserved in adulthood. In high school, everything just felt like my social life was set in stone. I would go to school, learn, go home, learn, sit on front of a screen and vegetate. I did have crushes throughout which helped me figure out what I was into. Without the skills to be social, I kind of smiled and kept my head down. At least by the time I hit my mid-teens, I was actually finding my music. Most of the bands I listened to then are the same now, they’re really what makes me feel a bit whole. Coming up on present day, I did have a couple relationships; both were long distance but the one I actually met her in person. Don’t ask me how a unsocial person like me manage to find them, I’m surprised but appreciative that they got to be part of my life for a brief moment. Due to working my butt off to be under average while I was young, I experienced very little as a teen and a child. I’ve been kind of taking take those years from my parents who beat and overfed me. I’ve been kind of enjoying going to toy stores, listening to music, flipping through picture books. I never went to prom, I never had sex, I never became the true romantic I realized I was when I found out I was attracted to Caucasian girls in high school. I still know I have to be an adult, but a part of me just want to at least hold onto something meaningful. Coming up to my 30’s and I have yet experienced what I truly want. I want to be loved. I want to walk down sandy beaches, watch sunsets, sit on the couch and cuddle with a bowl of popcorn and a show. I want to hold someone close to me and feel time stop as my heart races before the kiss. I want to find the one woman who is much into me as I’m into her. I don’t want multiples, just the one. It’s might be difficult but I’ve poured it all out to you.
I never get what I want but can’t hurt to put down the qualities I like for my partner whether you fit as a whole or in parts. I don’t care, you’re amazing and one day you will see how much I appreciate you for being you. Your appearance I would describe as fair skin with red, blue, green, purple, blonde, brown hair and inviting eyes. Height I like no taller than mine though Taylor Swift is gorgeous above 6′.I would prefer someone who I can carry but based off my last relationships, I do prefer curvy women as well. Physicality is only a small portion though. I like someone who I feel comfortable talking to even if we don’t agree. Someone who can tolerate my faults physically and otherwise. Affection is a must since I like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. An undaunting upbeat attitude since I do feel down sometimes, I try and force myself to be happy but it’s kind of a challenge with ADHD and depression. Someone who likes to text and be texted, I do like picking up my phone and see nice messages from you. Whether it’s a question or random thought you want to share, I like to read it. I would probably do the same in return.
I should let you know I’m not interested in one night stands, smoking weed, doing illicit drugs.
No matter when you will find me and where we will meet, know I’m thinking of you. You, the one who will find me no matter what state I’m in. I’m waiting or looking for you too.
nawkcire 