March 18, 2017
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Not sure if I ever had this feeling before but something happened recently I cannot shake off and disturbs me. As I was laying in bed with my head in the clouds, I found myself in a dark place. I was spiraling out of control, one nasty thought to the next. Thoughts that question how I am and what I feel to the point where my heart felt like beating out of my chest. I laid there motionless as I tried breathing. Winding through all these dangerous thoughts, hyperventilating in a wide eyed state. Just as quickly as it happened, it all stopped. Breathing back to normal and my heart didn’t feel like exploding. Thoughts of myself disappeared.
I’m still figuring out what happened, but from what I felt it was a panic attack. It was really intense and scary. I don’t think ever in my life I could experience something so frightening. All I could do was lay there and let it pass, forcing myself to breath. I feel all the negative things in my life have compounded into this anxious moment.
A bit ironic since I had to check in with my doctor not too long ago. It’s worrying I have to be in this state of mind when I got no idea how many more times it could happen. Of course this is the first time, but how many more until I can tell someone.
I try to not involve my life in my blog, but this is the few times I really need to put it on record.
March 11, 2017
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I’ve been trawling the political news in the past month and the world seems to be alight with borderline hate speech and free speech. It’s even making me nervous since every culture has suffered it’s troubles but a few are open to kill and hurt everyone to feel superior.
We as a people were born to treat all with fairness and justice, no one is better and no one can take away who you are as a human being. It’s disturbing and rightly eye opening to the intolerant language being propagated in society. I always want to look into the future but seeing the squabbles over race, how can we ever meet to the challenge something new and different? Economically, we’re addicted to petroleum and only dancing around alternative energies. Politically, we’re still divided by ideologies and geographic bias. How can we justify change when we can’t even make the changes within?
Someone once told me society is a house. A house everyone wants to live in, it can be built and be torn down. However there is only one house and we all must live in it. The house might be cramped but when you burn the house down, no one can live in the house. What is the point of living in a house if you were going to burn it down?
I guess I’ll leave it there for this week. Something to think about.
March 2, 2017
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Tricky thing being about an adult, I’m learning this now while I’m young. I’m not eager to grow up and take everything as serious as things should be. Somethings I’ve taken way too seriously and recently I find myself unsure if I should buckle down or let loose. I’ve seen a lot of folks fall in love and break up, but here I am. The same old me, the same old problem I can’t seem to figure out. As much as I would like to seek the “perfect woman”, I don’t think she’s necessarily looking for me.
I’m a humble person, at least I try to be. In the recent years, I haven’t bragged about myself; even if there was something to brag about, I wouldn’t stand too high and mighty over a small accomplishment. I don’t necessarily have attribute which stand out either, I’m not too smart or too funny, just an average person with an average build. Hopeless as it sounds, I do hope in romance. As far away as finding that person is, if it’s a lifelong pursuit then I’m willing to spend it alone.
Even if I lived to result in being alone, I guess I can accept I stood firmly on a love never requited. We’re creatures fond of instant gratification but yet here is one thing I would spend my entire life looking.
Feels weird to observe I’m the only person who would act like this all for love and even without it for quite some time, I’m still looking for the similar attachment I once had. A brief moment in my life I wish I could have for the rest of my life.
I just want to love again, someday perhaps.
February 23, 2017
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I know I haven’t been staggering away from my traditional weekly blog posts, I’ve been caught up with work recently. A lot of out and about work and with the recent weather, I’ve been taking my camera out in the warm sunny days.
However I’ve been holding back writing a post about relationships because I should really be the last person to give relationship advice. I take that back, I should be the bottom ten people you should ask. In the past month or two, everyone is either getting in trouble with relationships or wanting to leave a relationship. As the nice single male I am, I always suck myself into these conversations with “Tell me about it.”
I want to be the helping hand and open ear for someone to feel good. A lot of people I’ve talked to drink heavily after a relationship; not going to lie if I had the money, I would’ve done the same. Usually drinking alone and suffering is the same, nothing is solved and it will still hurt at the end. The weird thing is I find one within the pair who was seeking more than just a physical relationship and that’s what gets me.
I do believe in this century, there are variability in the definition of love but the still hardest to grasp I’ve seen and witness is romantic love. I’ve had closely had a romantic relationship and compared to people I’ve meet seemed to want the same, the love of another person. I almost want to tell them a daring truth that what they seek is not a physical embodiment of love but a love which can only be received in kind and care. Even then I don’t think they would reciprocate in the sense to understand romantic love but to rationalize their needs in that context. Romantic love is not a date on the calendar or a price tag, it’s the devotion and the willingness to weather hardships of not your own but others. Still as you read this, some will say it’s easy or asking how but that is the difficulty of romantic love and how I think it’s the greatest of loves. If done right it can reciprocate with bounty and if done incorrectly can hurt the most toughest of souls.
I would want that romantic love but it is just an idea most people see as unobtainable. From my point of view even if I don’t ever find that romantic love, I will still look for it and her.
February 10, 2017
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For those who have been following for awhile, you know I try to put out a post every 7 days or so. Last month it’s been more like 10 days until I throw up a post. I’ve been engrossed in playing Star Trek online and trying to balance working on myself and the things I’ve built around me. This includes this blog, the YouTube stuff and my photography hobby. Hopefully thing will get sorted out, though it looks like more events are coming to Star Trek Online, according to the in-game calendar.
The photography stuff has been slow but I’ve been slowly phasing out my Google Photos uploading and making use of 500px as a place to upload. I just like the fact my account name is visible in the address. I don’t think YouTube does that anymore, which makes the community a bit unique in their own way. I was complaining a lot about 20 photos a week limit awhile back. For me, it’s actually quite doable since the past few weeks I’ve been sending out maybe 4-10 a week depending if I have an idea. Definitely sticking to it and trying to do more in the future.
Speaking of more stuff, I’ve been trying to focus more on playing Tropico 4 which the campaign is being played on my channel. I think I might be burnt out from playing RTS and city builders. I might transition into survival or a shooter sometime soon. For the moment I want to get the campaign out of the way and maybe grab some achievements. One thing I’ve noticed is when you log into the game is when the achievements from the previous session will pop up. Strange they don’t reward it to you on the spot, but I’m not going to complain. I just finished uploading the last part of the first mission for the campaign, just 19 more to go. Yikes.
Until next time, feel free to take a gander and maybe drop of alike and comment somewhere. I’ll probably respond however I’ve been getting lots of spam comments recently on YouTube. Please be unique and try and not sound like you’re advertising, thanks in advance.
January 30, 2017
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It’s been somewhat eventful, somewhat being tiring and I’ve been trying to push myself through the paces. I’ve pushed out all the photos from the accounts I have on Facebook and Google to 500px, still haven’t updated my banner here so that’s my bad. However I’ve been trying to be more out and about snapping photos since now I have 20 photos allocated a week. Trying to not be a competition but I’ve been uploading about a 10 a week so far.
Since the 17th, I haven’t uploaded any videos to YouTube. I love to play Tropico but I think the there isn’t much encouragement. However I would like to pull off a Prison Architect and just try everything until I’m ready to move on. Meanwhile Star Trek Online is having an event so I’m trying to farm stuff from the events. A new ship and new item set; with sleeping in and work, this is mentally exhausting me at an incredible rate.
Hopefully this week will be something worth looking forward to do more than I did this past week. I really need to balance my life a bit more if I ever will have the chance to get where I want to be in my life.
January 21, 2017
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This week was interesting, I’m not into politics but I do follow what’s going on in the world. Judging by the controversy behind the newly President-Elect, he seems an unpopular fellow with some. From all the news and articles streaming out of the United States, it just sounds like another Civil War is igniting but I doubt it’s the case.
It is an interesting change in power as the the last term served was focused on erasing gaps and borders, rooting the republic back to the beginning of a just and open governance for the people. This week has been ominous and synonymous with the end of that dream, trading for hard capitalism and the power to the 1%. As much as I lean to the latter, I still have hope no matter what their new government will do.
A democratic nation is a nation of choice, do not choose to hate but choose to hope. Hope for a better future, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for all your dreams. When you believe in something, then there is something still worth fighting for; but not fight with swords and steel. Fight with the yearning in your heart for the just and hopeful. Whether you don’t stand for them, stand to believe in those without a voice to have a voice.
As a student to American history, the people do possess one power no leader can ever take. The power to change, use that power for the good and just for all. Not of one creed or race, but for all. The United States of America is only strong as those who are willing to endure and fight for those of very little, the very weak and the very lost. Give them more, get them strong and help them find the way.
This will be an interesting 4 years coming up and no one knows how it will turn out. But we all must endure it together.
January 16, 2017
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My head is hurting so bad as I’m writing this, but I’m going to try so hard to pound out this post and hopefully someone can learn from my pain.
Recently I wanted to feel a bit youthful and a friend of mine invited to a party. Long story short, I woke up with a headache and feeling very ill.
This one is going to be super short since my head hurts so much from the rapping and tapping with the whirring of my case fan in my desktop.
So now I’m a bit too old and dorky to party. I’m going back to the bed and stay in the dark with little to no noise as possible.
January 7, 2017
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In July, I wrote about finding a place to keep my photos. During that time I registered for a few sites; since then I settled with Google Photos to share with the exclusive few that I knew. Admittedly I never have registered Imgur, I lurk on there like crazy but I have never gotten around to sign up. Anyways, one of those accounts were to 500px; I already have a few regrets with it, I’ll tell you in a bit.
From July 2016, it’s now January 2017. Apparently as a first time account, you get a trial as an “Awesome” member; the second tier of their subscriptions. The trial lasts 14 days which opens up unlimited downloads, an online portfolio and a custom domain along with advance analytic tools from Google. As you can tell, the trial is over; I’m regretting for not uploading earlier since I could use an unlimited now that I have a bunch of photos. As a free user of the site, I’m only limited to 20 photos per week. It’s a big drop from unlimited to just over 2 a day. Of course, I’m not a photophile and upload like crazy. This is definitely going to be a challenging experience since I want to expend my limit but at same time to compose something worth sharing.
I never knew I had a skill set like this when I applied everything I’ve learned from my current and previous jobs. When a co-worker came up to me and said “Hey man, have you ever tried to make some money off your photos?” It was the first time I ever though I actually had something marketable; I could make money out of this, not a lot but just a bit while expressing myself in some means. I use to do poetry and played an instrument, only one of those I do on rare occasions. I can’t do much with my hands but with my eyes and my mind, I can create something I never knew I could. I think that’s how it starts, a profound encouragement. Not necessarily constant encouragement but someone who found your skill to be something worth sharing.
So here I am, on 500px. The selfie might be old but I’m slowly going to try my best to stay capped out on photos. I have a lot of uploading to do now; first my gaming videos to YouTube, 3 websites of photos plus high resolution for 500px. My life is going to culminate to being the first sentient digital lifeform on this planet.
In time, I’ll update my social media stuff to include 500px. Until then, I’ll keep my eyes open.
December 30, 2016
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This is definitely the last post for 2016, just in time and I doubt any of you will read this at the very last minute.
I don’t show much of my hobbies on my blog. The last time was when I gave you guys a tiny peek at my photography skills. Recently, I was back at it with my camera. I’m starting to really enjoy it. I love composing a shot, dialling in the focus and hearing the click. There is something thrilling about playing with the shutter and lighting. Maybe 2017 I’ll finally upload some photos.
However this recent excursion was disturbing to me. Might have been because I was carrying a camera or not, but it just seems respect is thrown out the window on Boxing Day. I was bumped and pushed aside in a downtown mall as I was taking pictures. It was late in the evening and yet people were running around like crazy trying to get deals already claimed in the morning. Drives me bonkers how Christmas turned into an occasion to spend money than helping others and Bring people together. It gets worse since somehow in the holiday greed, people lose sense of sensible civility in terms of manners. The “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me”, seems to come mostly from people in their 20’s and under. I don’t know what school’s are teaching kids these days, manners is definitely something slowly losing ground in a modern society.
Perhaps in 2017 all around the world, can we please be nicer and polite to each other than worrying about the bottom line? Thank you and have a nice day!