nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Creativity in Bursts

By the time this goes out, I’ve rolled through the second week of touring exhibitions for some inspiration for my own work.

I had the chance to go west of my city to see some small exhibits with some variety. I saw the simplicity and duality of black and white photos of the human and natural. Then not far away, I step into a gallery which frame Disney princesses in an adult light. Nothing erotic, but it was odd to see Snow White handling babies with a deadbeat prince. The memorable was Cinderella in a seedy truck bar surrounded by middle aged men, it was quite surreal with the ball gown and the lighting.

To end it, I stopped by downtown to something which looked a bit more personal. Postcards and stamps accompanied by trinkets to hone into the subject. It was a bit of a collage but gives me an abstract idea of how I should approach my own work. Not sure if I would ever put it into good use though.

As I’m writing this, I have not seen one of the exhibits I wanted to see. From the looks of the store front installation, It’s a bit of collage of text messages and online media adapted in a physical space. It should be a bit entertaining, at least I’m hoping.

Once work settles out, I’m going to get back into my photography.

Once More?

My schedule is an erratic schedule, not just the things I impose on me but my work is always a unplanned success.  At first I use to take my time to foot around what I do in real life, recently the vagueness comes naturally.

With just a week away, I’m doing my best to prepare for the unlikely chance I might put my social media things on hiatus. So this blog, my YouTube channel, my Twitter; pretty much anything not tied down physically will go dark for about a few months until I return home. I really don’t like pre-planning for things when they don’t come because it rubber bands into a lot of procrastination. In any case, I do what I must.

Which is a bummer since on my YouTube, I started a a new playthrough for Filthy Lucre. Actually it’s two concurrent ones and so far my serial editing habits are showing. I have been having trouble maintaining which video to publish since everything goes up and I see everything as a list. Also I built two playlists; one being just a straight playthrough, the other is a bit of a challenge to complete all the objectives per missions. I even started playing with audio tracks and stuff during editing, I’m pretty impressed of what a free program can do now.

As for the photography things, I’m still trying to check out the rest of the festival with just under a week before I depart. So far I’ve seen a lot just from taking a stroll around town but I still want to check off what I have on the itinerary I’ve set aside for myself. I’m still picking up my camera. I recently swapped in for a different lens and forcing myself to learn to take photos with a prime lens. Definitely a challenge since it’s a fixed length, but I’ve found what my little ditty can do. I also came around and completed the trifecta of lenses I want for my DSLR, all I need is a gear bag and a a tall tripod. Well, I can just use the tripod but I’m out of space to keep everything clean. I’ve put a lot into this new hobby and yet I have so much to do. I still want to learn to play my decade old used guitar, I want to be able to play more airsoft which my stuff is collecting dust. Maybe this summer I can knock down the whole guitar thing, that’s going to be a loud month either an electric guitar.

For now and until next time, I have to get back to writing next week’s post in case I leave this place.

Inspiration from Others

This past weekend, I’m starting to participate in some local festivals. Of course a good way to start is a photography festival. And this past weekend I had the opportunity to see a couple things for the day.

Went to a seminar about self publishing hosted by a few mildly successful artists. It’s given an general idea of what it takes to really put my own work out there. Which explains why small runs of books and zines are popular unless it’s funded before publication.

After an hour long seminar about printed matters, I took a stroll to the closest gallery for a peak at some photographers using Fujifilm Instax. The product is very nostalgic to the old Polaroid film. Yet the colours still remain so vibrant and detailed . Though the small format of the Instax film makes it feel very compact to really observe any detail. So I guess it’s worth it for landscapes or portraits in bright light or with the built in flash.

The plan for the upcoming week is to check out more exhibitions and galleries until this festival is over. This is a great event I managed to stumble upon. I can’t wait to discover more.

False Positive Reinforcement

I realized more recently that positive reinforcement doesn’t necessarily work for me. In this day in age, everyone is trying to see the better of things. Even then, the tiny voice in my head wouldn’t let me accept other people’s positive attitude especially if it’s directed at me.

I’m questioning a lot about myself recently. I’m not uncertain, but I feel like a kid breaking open the toaster and wondering how it all makes toast. How did my life so far created this burnt mess? I feel like I’m asking all the questions and I’m not solving anything. I guess it’s that empty part of me I’m still looking for, those answers to questions I should be asking.

A simple “good job” or “well done” triggers the inner pessimist. I don’t think I’m ever doing good or have done well to be congratulated. I just do. In a way it self-establishes I don’t have skills, yet I do. I have a talent to be talentless. I look at myself and see someone who has not achieved anything with age and wisdom. I look around me and I see a bunch of people who have at least an accolade they can be proud of, yet I’m here with a few people thinking I am worth something. Inside, I feel I don’t necessarily deserve it.

Perhaps a life time of negative reinforcement is catching up. Perhaps what I see in positive reinforcement will never come because it’s just how I grew up.

Long Imaginings

Recently I had the opportunity to take part of brainstorming an alternate universe, a universe which could someday be. I always want to think about a different place and time, something beyond the here and now.

Fantasy is something I enjoy a lot when I can’t reach out and obtain it. It’s kind of odd to imagine a world without the USA, but a conversation directed to it gave it an interesting thought. I’m not much into political science but I couldn’t help to wonder how the states of union would go their own ways.

I guess it’s why I like tactical games, getting the control and to play the person in control. At the same time, which is why I like the loss of control in a survival game. In survival it’s all about thinking to regain some control. Always out of reach in a survival, a good survival game would keep me seeking control.

The appeal of video games, it can take me away yet keep me rooted to reality.

The Chase.

Recently I was faced with a bit of envy, I had not expect I would be feeling jealous. In returned I’ve may have stepped over the line yet again.

I was surprised when I was drawn into a conversation about relationship and personal preference over a romantic interest. Me and my big, fat, ugly mouth said a few things in passing that may have been misconstrued to be one large topic. I think I should shut up from what I know about relationships, which is very little.

In the dump of conversation, there were a few nuggets I took away and reminded me of who I am. I live in a cosmopolitan city with many people of many views about everything. In a way, my old fashion ways mingle with the a contemporary ideal of a romantic interest or a relationship. It’s really difficult to really argue for what I would consider to be the right person for me. I have an idea of what I would like but at the same time others may feel it’s a daunting challenge. Reality of the situation is to not fit into the mould I’ve created, but show me a better mould for me. It’s an odd metaphor but it is close to what I look for in a partner. It’s hard to find someone like minded and with similar interests. I would like that special somebody but at the same time, I would like her to surprise me as well.

Perhaps rather than talking about what I want, I should just shut up and let it happen.

People are terrible.

Before I say anything, I’m going to say this. I’m a lurker at Imgur. I’ve never made an account on there but I like to browse through some of the content over there. Sometimes it keep things light hearted and some things I see there can make you feel passionate about things. As a hobbyist photographer and I don’t know why, I saw this and my jimmies were rustled.

For those who like to play it safe, let me tell you what you will see in that link. It’s a long list of pictures of people taking photos, seems innocent. However each image has those people abusing the environment. You would see a person standing atop a ledge, one harassing a large bird, and a person shaking a cherry blossom. Then the last one which had me wound up; a man wielding a camera taking a close up of a bird which looks like it’s being choked.

I was shocked and I’m happy I haven’t seen people do that yet. However the reminders are there when taking a photo, never jeopardize your safety and never harm your surroundings. Some people don’t necessarily think of their safety until it happens to them. It’s one thing to stand high and tall to get that majestic shot but once you lose an arm and a leg, not having a good picture is the least of your problems. After seeing the gallery I decided to see if there was a list of selfie deaths. Surprisingly, there is a list! Even worse is the list a long. A lot of folks doing, not much thinking. And I thought I was a bit impulsive.

Then there is the wildlife cruelty, I just hope there is a special dark place for people like that. Whether it’s animal or plant, I do think as a photographer I should be observing and not influencing. There is something about studio photography where you are capturing a subject but when you’re in the big wide world, you are just there to take what may come. If you’re using the world as your backdrop, then you should be responsible to minimize your impact to the environment. Don’t tread on a flower garden or shake a tree because it suits you.

Anyways, I will be doing a bit more photography as the days grow longer and sunnier.

Working On It

As I’m writing this, I realized I have a couple days of rain. Just cloudy and moist, it’s going to be a bit difficult to get stuff done since I want to be outside.

Looking through my collection of photos, I felt a bit prideful. I’ve been trying to organize it all for the latter half of the year. Then I wanted to publish them somewhere online and visible to the public, got that done in a few months. Now I’m trying to aggregate the best into something more tangible; dare I say, physical. The photo book I want create will be just a small gift either for myself or someone else to monument my hobby. The idea is about twenty pages and printed in a nice hardcover. I got an idea of what it will look like but now I’m trying to focus on arranging bits into pages. I don’t think I have a lot of good photos to fill the book, but I want to keep snapping until I have more.

I did a but of dumpster diving, not really. Someone threw out some books about guitars, which kind of sparked my creative side again. Seems like lately I’ve been on a creative streak. I started with poetry in high school, photography as of lately, perhaps guitar if I ever get the confidence to dust off the electric guitar I’ve kept since I was young. Hopefully it still’s all good; if not, I’ll pawn the set for an acoustic. Maybe. We’ll just see what the future holds.

I’m feeling pretty good, even though I’m working less and focusing on myself.

Rough Routine

It’s been a busy weekend to say the least, been trying to keep the days busy so I don’t fall back to where I was a couple weeks ago. Knowing my body and mind and fall apart like that worries me. Suffering from a panic attack really opened my eyes to the oddity that is the human mind and body. Best for me to keep busy and keep my mind away from all those weird thoughts I use to have.

What the plan and routine now is to push myself into doing more gameplay recording for my YouTube channel. Forcing myself to get back on the weekly posting schedule on this WordPress blog is a good course, wouldn’t want to abandon this (or abandon you). I might do a bit more in real life as well, weather is getting better to do more photography stuff. Depending how work looks for the summer, I might get certified for a few things. I spent a few times thinking about getting a bit certified to serve alcohol, maybe try bartending.

I don’t want to set out a schedule and a routine, seeing how my past endeavours became after I put a schedule in for myself. Yeah…that’s not going to happen since I never stick to a strict schedule. For now just do a few things everyday and see what may come. Hopefully my mood improves and a positive attitude will last.

Panic.

Not sure if I ever had this feeling before but something happened recently I cannot shake off and disturbs me. As I was laying in bed with my head in the clouds, I found myself in a dark place. I was spiraling out of control, one nasty thought to the next. Thoughts that question how I am and what I feel to the point where my heart felt like beating out of my chest. I laid there motionless as I tried breathing. Winding through all these dangerous thoughts, hyperventilating in a wide eyed state. Just as quickly as it happened, it all stopped. Breathing back to normal and my heart didn’t feel like exploding. Thoughts of myself disappeared.

I’m still figuring out what happened, but from what I felt it was a panic attack. It was really intense and scary. I don’t think ever in my life I could experience something so frightening. All I could do was lay there and let it pass, forcing myself to breath. I feel all the negative things in my life have compounded into this anxious moment.

A bit ironic since I had to check in with my doctor not too long ago. It’s worrying I have to be in this state of mind when I got no idea how many more times it could happen. Of course this is the first time, but how many more until I can tell someone.

I try to not involve my life in my blog, but this is the few times I really need to put it on record.