nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Homeward Bound

As I grew up I felt less and less at home in the house as I grew up. Even if it was inherited, I would still feel I don’t belong here. After decades of being in this house and the neighbourhood, it’s familiar but it’s not what I would call “home”.

Something aches inside me to want a place I can my own. A place I can call own, a place I belong. There is just a place I want to be; I don’t know where, whether it’s metaphysical or realistic but it’s there gnawing inside and I want to find it. This is what salmon feel when they swim upstream, you just know you have to go but you don’t know where. Even if it kills me, I want to know where this place is and if it’s even there.

I’ve laid in fields with fields above. In the empty void, in the silence, there has been that urge; the urge to go home or find it. Even when I’m the place I sleep and work, the calling is way too strong to ignore.

What exactly am I looking for, what is this urge? Will I even find it?

Giving up.

It’s tough, I have to admit, it’s tough to seek happiness and peace in life when everything antagonize negative thoughts. Much recently, it has been occurring a lot. There would be moments I feel so good and myself, then I would just feel tired and wanting to give up.

Ever since I got this job in the big wide world, I’ve learned a few things to help resist those thoughts. It’s a rough go at first to push myself to go back to the positive space in my mind. With a bit of help from my workplace, I’ve been able to do it. It might not help for you, but give some of these a shot. First, I do a breathing exercise. A slow inhale, about 4 seconds; I try to focus myself until I have no thoughts in my head or until I feel calmer. Sometimes it takes over a minute to feel the calm I need to move on.  The whole point is to have focus for the next part. Next I try to think about neutral and happy things. These can be petting animals, good moments I felt in my life, sleeping well after a long days work; stuff like these however limit it to one thing at time. I try to not push myself to spend more than a a few seconds because the moment would disappear. I keep doing this until I have collected myself to self affirm and validate myself as a person. Who I am, what I want in life, what I achieved, what will I want get done in this moment; positive “I can”, “I will”, “I shall” statements, out loud (I usually whisper it to myself) or in my head space to fill the neutral or positive void I’ve created. If it doesn’t work out, I focus on the breathing exercises; four seconds inhale and four seconds exhale.

It’s a slow progress to find the peace I need but from the couple years I’ve been at my job, I’ve had added one more thing on top. And here it is, whether you say it out loud is up to you:

There is no giving up, only surrender.

To surrender is to stop fighting.

To fight to find a meaning, a purpose, a cause.

There is more to in fighting than surrender.

DO NOT SURRENDER.

Closing In

In light of recent events, it feels as though the world is coming to progressive and about to turn around for the worse. As sensationalist as the headlines were the past month, a lot worries me. As a student of history, the world we live despite it’s technological and social differences, is starting to unravel much like the days of our ancestors. Bitterness and hatred onto other, xenophobia cleaving away into us and them. The last 70 years to push towards peace could be coming back to where it starts.

If we’re not careful if history has taught me, we will be building the walls our forefathers once built. Destroy a generation of young folks over an illusion of hate and control. The would never be the same and nor has it been for centuries. I’m seeing everyone is a bit diverted from the point in unity. Unity is to keep us together, to give everyone what we have the most and not to pit us into old rivalries.

Optimism can get only give us so much. The world is waiting for answer which we don’t have, are we not searching for them? Are we not exploring deep enough to find them? Perhaps this is what we all deserve for our collective ignorance. To pass on a world of debt and crises to a woeful few unprepared to be entrusted with our securities.

I’m nervous of what the world will be since the next decade could be even worse than the last.

Short But Sweet

Video games is still happening on my YouTube channel. I’ve been playing more Stardew Valley, but I’ve been trying to find some time to record some Call To Arms after fixing the weird launch bug. I could not, but instead play some other sandbox game.

The past week has been pretty hot so my sleep pattern has been heavily erratic. There has been nights where I wake up sweating and nights I would lay in bed exhausted but so hot I can’t even pass out. I’ve been in this situation, I’ll persevere.

This week has been a bit hectic. I haven’t been keeping up with anything aside from taking photos and keep on top of my work. Since I don’t have anything to talk about this week, I think I should just share to what I have taken recently with my Canon Rebel.

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Until next time, enjoy these photos!

The Dark Hole

With all the news and headlines running amok, it really feels like we are living on the brink of chaos. I usually avoid the news to stay in a positive mood, but it seems more recently these articles are popping out more often.

The animosity of peoples unable to feuds and differences and a people’s indifference to care but to care for the superficial; I’m starting to think tomorrow is the tomorrow of an uncertain future. As we see ourselves as decent, noble, compassionate people; I can hardly describe what I see as just. I’m including myself in this. We are vile and terrible creatures compared to our ancestors who made a difference in the hardest times. Yet here we are squabbling over sensational headlines and preaching toward social justice for our selfish gains. As I sat at city hall recently looking at all the happy faces about in the seat of municipal power while the news reports about hatred for civil authority; I had to ask, “what do we want?” What exactly do we want as a people? Do ask for peace? For unity? It’s scary how it looks like we’re grasping at straws rather than having a defined movement in our generation. With technology gifted to us, we are underutilizing it to push on with the gift our ancestors alwys wanted and given to us. A gift of everlasting peace and harmony to our people and the people in need.

I feel I can just do is sit here and watch for us to dig a dark hole to bury us all.

Need Input: Photo Sharing?

As of you guys might know, I decided to get into photography. After a good month getting use to snapping photos, I have a lot of photos which have edited and uploaded. The problem with photo sharing is I am adept at where in the cloud I should put my photos. I do have a Google account as well as a private Facebook, no where I really want to showcase my work. Even with either of those, I feel like I’m working with a hard file size limit since my Canon spits out 2-5 MB JPEG files and it does take a lot of downsizing to get it to upload.

So consider this post a bit of reaching out for suggestions of where I can upload my stuff. I would like somewhere I can public post stuff and able to have the community comment. Much like WordPress or YouTube, but for photos. A few preference I would like would be to have a service which doesn’t restrict much on file size and account capacity such as a maximum amount of storage or a weekly upload capacity as a free user. I want no pop-up and a website which looks to focus on the content than to the ads to support the site. Might be a tall order for the latter but I would like to hope for something worth using out there.

I do like my friends commenting on my photos but I would like a more unbiased reviewer. Who’s more unbiased than the unforgiving place that is the Internet?

Rush.

This is definitely based on my feelings on people taking public transit; especially during rush hour. I’ve been working a bit more recently and for it, I too have become one of those people who wake up early morning to go to work. In my city, we do have train and bus service. On most days nothing really happens, people get on and people get off; no fussing considering how cramped the subways get. However a few incidents have occurred where I don’t really understand people sometimes.

During rush out here, the trains run on a tighter schedule. We’re talking about a 5 minute delay between trains. On off peak hours, it’s really a bit loose on what really defines 5 minutes. As a gamer timing matters no matter what the case will be (Except casual games; filthy casuals). In RTS and FPS we have rushes, run in and do the dirty work regardless of the cost. In reality, rushing could really mean injury and delays when it comes to public transit. I’ve seen people get squished by doors on trains, a few times some people do get halfway in and just get smashed by the door. Of course the doors don’t split you in half but it does hurt to get smacked edge on by a pneumatic piece metal and rubber. As much as people are looking out for themselves, they don’t consider their behavior to generally be malicious. If money talks, then money is making people things to get on time. I’ve seen old people, young people, in suits, in casual wear, pretty much everyone during rush hour get hit with the door because they ran for it Indiana Jones styles. Best story is yet to come. I’ve once had a one minute delay where people seemed to want to squeeze in more and more as the train was stuck in station because people wanted to race through the doors. One guy runs up, smack. Next guy in a suit, smack. Two more before we had the train moving again. As cool as it to dodge the doors, you as the person rushing, are a selfish person. Considering each train is carry about 100 passengers or more, you are jeopardizing everyone’s word schedule just so you can conform to yours. Next time, get an alarm clock so you can at least get to work early.

Not as often, I get to observe the best in people. Most often than that, I see a lot of worst in people. Sure you hear some good news about people doing good deeds, but I want to acknowledge those unnamed folks who has always given up their seat for someone who is in need of one. Whether it was for a pregnant woman, an elderly person or someone with a handicap (like a broken leg from running towards the train doors). Those few in my city, are really outnumbered during the many in rush hour. On the buses and trains, there are designated seats; 6 in the front of the bus or 3 closest to the doors. As nice as it is to have a seat during a long commute, some people would outright refuse seating. A few days ago, I was coming home from work. Old lady steps up on the bus, the bus is packed end to end. I step aside so the lady can pass me, she stops at the designated seats at looks at the three people sitting there. For a brief moment of time, those three made eye contact at each other wondering who is giving up their seat. The guy in the suit looks both left and right of him while the woman looks to her left and another man looks right. I don’t want to be ageist, in the situation of “giving up your seat for an old lady”, regardless whether she was a man or woman and she was either old, crippled, or pregnant, I would say socially the youngest looking one of the bunch should stand and logically the closest to the door. So it was either the woman or the guy in the business suit. Luckily, he grew a pair without not before long.

Definitely the past few months, I’ve seen the best out of people and I’ve seen the worst while travelling by transit. It’s always the same stuff too. We lived as a society for millennia and yet we have not held on for dignity and respect for one another.  Be thankful we live in the age of buses and trains. Not long ago, we had horses and long before domestication, we have our own two feet. In all respect all human progress has led us to a very prosperous moment where we have all this to our disposal. Be humble for the fact you can travel a great distance to get to work because you wouldn’t want the alternative.

 

The Other Side.

Recently at work, I have been on the opposite of where I was over a year ago. Rather than being the trainee, I was supporting the staff in training.

I had a year of learning my job and now looking back, it feels like a lifetime has passed since then; sitting in a remote field, I can’t help but think. It’s been almost a decade since I got out of school, almost two years into the second steady job I’ve had since I started working; this nostalgic feeling under the bough of this lone tree, I can’t help but crack a smile.

Sometimes, it does feel there isn’t enough time to really sit back and watch it all go by; life in it’s minute workings, then seeing a bit of yourself without your ego. You were once there and now here you are on the other side of the machine, the painting, the tableau. It’s beautiful knowing all he hardships have brought you have right back around, yet there is nothing you want more to keep going not matter how tiring it can be.

There may be days when it can be slow, mindless and monotonous. The know there are others around you coming from different backgrounds coming together for similar things, it’s something…zen about it. Even on a hot day where I want to do nothing but drink water and watch the clouds go by, just a bit of work in the mix made it something worthwhile.

Perhaps the most worthwhile things are those we don’t necessarily see but it is when we see it.

Fallen Plans

As the summer starts, I’m starting to think all the plans I’ve set a couple months are starting to fall through. Right now I’m sort of scrambling with finding something to keep myself occupied with for the next a few months. Unlike last year, I think the internet will benefit from this scrambling.

I was hoping I was going to work for the entire summer. I’ve been in contact with my employer and it seems they don’t know what to do with me or I got it easy (or difficult, depending how you look at it). Now a week into June, I’m making some expensive plans for my YouTube channel and perhaps my new camera. I had everything planned; I was going to end my Life is Strange playthrough and start a summer hiatus, then I would spend the remaining days before I was slated to work to take up a hobby and go to the gym a bit more. At the moment, it seems the hobby and gym might be the largest component in my entire life until I have something to do. I might even seek employment all summer; if there is an employer who will hire me in short notice.

Short term futures right now, I have purchased a new game on Steam. It was on sale called Call To Arms, it appears to be a modern warfare RTS game I might be recording . Along with recording a new game, I’m jumping back into Insurgency and Borderlands 2. For Borderlands 2, I purchased the Collector’s Edition so I have a few DLC packs I can record. Insurgency received an achievement and map update so I’ve decided to record a bunch of compilation of some of these achievements as well as maps I’ve may or may not have played in the past. That should cover a month or so of content online. As for personal content, I will have to really coerce myself to the gym and spend the soon-to-be sunny summer days outside snapping photos and hopefully get into a bit of trouble. I promise I won’t end up in jail or on the evening news, haha!

This is all I have for now for updates and progress. Hopefully I have something to show next week.

Trust.

I’m going to say this right now, since the last time I posted on my blog I am thankful for every game developer out there. Without their games, I would’ve ended up at home curled up in a ball and lost faith in humanity.

Trust to me in important, the way society works. To garner security and resources, trust has to be placed somewhere. You wouldn’t realize it but at this very moment, you put your trust in hundreds of people, mostly faceless, to protect you and make sure you have food and water for the next day. You rely a chain of people who ensure your money is worth something to buy the necessities within your society like clothes. Trust is a very delicate thing but it could create the strongest social bonds.

The scariest thing is when the trust is compromised. The momentary vulnerability can destroy the safety of yourself and those you care about it. Something said in confidence now for the world to hear. It definitely can destroy a person’s reputation and their perceptive character. For me, I can’t trust the person after it. It could be a long time to trust them again; could be years, could be never. Most of the time I hold trust as high as respect, fairness, honesty, loyalty, duty and service; this is the base I gauge my trust in others. Whether they are a group or an individual, these what I hold as above all. A person can have the same interests as I do; if they don’t hold or display these values, it’s unlikely I could ever trust them.

Trust is a risk no matter what anyone tells you. Trust is a culmination of what you know based on instinct. It’s not a guide but what you can build on top of the trust. Until next time, and I hope I can trust you, I’ll see you next time.

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