nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

I deserve this.

This week is a mushy week. I’m trying to ignore it while I plan for a small trip.

Yup, I’m really committed to this. I’m thinking a few days out of town just to unwind and see new things. I just need to break the monotony of living. After a rough December and summer, I really need to feel I can feel care-free (or at least the closest to it.

So for the past week I’ve been looking into cheap lodging and things to do on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. I’m not a gambler and I don’t want to do the ultimately touristy things. I still want to see some museums and local nooks. At the moment, I just need to sort out of logistics of packing and whether I should bring along a laptop to store any photos.

I know it’s the middle of winter but I’m determined that even in winter, there is a warm moment in a cold season.

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Here You Are Again

Odd thing that happened on my Facebook recently.

Occasionally, I like to cull my private online profiles. Ridding people I’ve fallen out of or haven’t seen in a long time. Sometimes they’ll never add me back, which I’m totally okay with and I’ve been on the receiving end of a social media culling a few times. I can totally understand however this one time when I lost someone physically and they disappeared off my friends list, it felt terrible.

Setting: recently, I accidentally set a status update to public and they liked it back. Honestly, a lot of emotion flooded back when I was first notified. I do think of them fondly however knowing they still bookmarked me is interesting. When I first realized, I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to let them know I’m alright but open to talk. The best I could think I could do is just write another status update.

This is a first for me and I’m not quite sure if I did the right thing. As the shy me, I would say I handled it well.

What do you guys think?

Back On This Road

It’s been a month and I’ve been staving off my prescription. Rationing every pill, forcing myself out of a cycle.

I’ve been lacking proper routine. Lacking a continuous “feel good” emotion, I feel I’m the only one who just feels sad all the time. Happiness eludes me and here I am waking up in the afternoon hoping I can get one thing done. I’m starting to spend long nights watching YouTube and browsing photos. I loathe this existence, I always wanted more and in a positive manner.

I’ve been having a hard time to really kick myself into doing things. The things I like doing feel heavier to do. Why can’t I just be normal – as normal as I can be without feeling terrible.

I’m going to relax a bit before I have an anxiety attack or something. At some point, I have to talk to my doctor.

Camera Phone “Lenses”

I spend a lot in camera stores than I should. Even in electronic stores, I’ve seen these blister packed or boxed lens kits for camera phones.

Looking at them, I do feel a bit aggravated in the obvious attempt to pander to consumers. Most of the time, the lenses are designed for one particular phone. Phones do become obsolete after a year or two while actual cameras last for a while. Before I bought my camera, it’s been out for quite a while. I’ve see a bunch of absurd accessories on this side of the decade, it’s not the most dumbest accessory (Cough cough, the circle “handle” thing for selfies).

I’m still on the fence about these attachments to a phone. People buy phones more than camera, people sometimes change preference on the operating system or brands. I know for sure, I would change phones if there’s one that would benefit me for cheap (and if I have to renew my contract). So these “lenses” seem to be built around a gimmick to make everything look as good with a camera phone without a camera. I would prefer a camera or the camera phone any day for imaging. However the camera phone make sharing an instant photo quicker. In a way much to be the digital equal to the instant film camera.

Don’t make them, don’t buy them. Save up to 50 bucks and use the money to get something else…or a camera itself.

In Progress

Right now, I’m still recovering from a bad cough. Right now been avoiding the outdoors, yet outdoors call for me despite being cold. There have been bright sunny days and the normal dull skies for winter.

I’ve been sporadically shooting some photos last week but having coughing fits hasn’t help me or my confidence to get out of the house.

On the upside though, I’ve been kind of sitting at home reading a bit and watching photography tutorials. The only time I’ve gone up was to finally pick up some personal business cards. I didn’t realize how much 500 cards can be but who knows, I might use it to being more visibility to my 500px account which is now my portfolio. I didn’t feel comfortable enough to give my cell phone number out on a card. Perhaps someday when I feel comfortable to share my personal phone number (or I get a business number for cheap, which would be super great). For now I’ll keep some on hand and just spread then around when I can.

Feeling Sluggish

Since I quit my job before Christmas, I haven’t been feeling like I’m a new person. Ever since the place I’ve been working at fall under new management, I’ve been degrading into my depression all over again. A lesson learned if I (or you) ever work in retail ever again, enjoy working with co-workers and the manager. If a team gels, keep the team. However being overworked and being steamrolled by management, I caved and just walked away. It was the second most fun job I’ve worked in my life and it went to second worst. Ever since I have all this time, I’ve been getting back to doing what I use to do – at least I’m trying. This is getting published in the afternoon but I’ve been writing this since the start of midnight.

I’ve had problem sleeping, I haven’t taken my medication for a month, been stressed, been way too sad to get out of bed. I still need to book an appointment with my doctor for a referral. But this is the blog post that will force me to end the zero-medicated me. Hopefully it will solve everything and I can feel like I can go out and do more.

I’ve also ordered some personal business cards for my 500px profile. I’m a bit excited but at the same time, I kind of want to start a business out of it. Not necessarily I want to do it full time or part time, but I want to at least get my feet wet. At first, I don’t expect profit; do I still my original receipt for my cameras and lenses? I didn’t expect to have my camera for this long. Even recently I’ve considered upgrading to a newer camera body. I’m fairly happy but I can’t use a wireless shutter trigger. The one moment I wish I didn’t turn away from the wireless capabilities. Any case I’m getting business cards then I’m maybe going start a business – in that order, what can go wrong?

First step is to take my medication.

 

Last Post 2017

Next week’s going to be a new year; a year older, another year.

I’m just here watching the rest of the Jingle Jam. I’ve been a fan of the Yogscast but these charity streams I do find to be the best part of my year. After the year I’ve had, this is likely the best part right up to the end. However it’s been difficult to really watch these archived streams on YouTube. Not much to view but at the same time has given me an opportunity to see new indie games. At least I get to see the old and usual stuff, like a live podcast and some “live” games.

Last night I couldn’t get away from a 6 hour stream from Zoey from the Yogscast playing both The Sims 4 and a discussion on mental health. I was surprised when we began to talk about her struggle with mental health and how I’ve been over the past decade. From a person I don’t know to hear the same words, this oddly familiar connection based on an illness. After hearing from her and then playing this new game I’ve never heard about, it was like watching a simulacra of what I’ve been through for most of my adult life.

After seeing her play through it for almost an hour, I might want to pick up “Please Knock On My Door”. The hardest part was fighting my own thoughts while she and the game narrates the similar dialogue.

There is nothing easy about battling a mental illness without a cure. There is no phrase nor pill can cure it. Just keep holding on…

…even when things look bleak.

I think next year I’ll just keep fighting myself. I have to hope and keep telling myself things will get better. I just have to whether I should believe it or not.

Anniversary Post & Latent Replies

I’ve been out from posting the past few weeks. I had no time to compose anything. The past few weeks with work bogged down, I had only time to shower and eat and nothing more. Let me just say life in retail has been short but I’ve learned the good side and bad side of retail.

During the Christmas retail season, I’ve learned much about what sales associates go through. To be honest with you, it’s frustrating and stressful for everyone involved. However having a hostile work environment does make it worse which was the unfortunate circumstance I had to be in after several months of working at the same place. Right on the Eve, I’ve had it and I think my manager has the same with me. I don’t consider this individual as my employer but just a slave driver. Anywho, that’s probably a drunken rambling for the next anniversary post.

So it’s that time of year again where WordPress likes to tell me it’s “our” anniversary. I made this joke before but it’s worth mentioning. It’s a long term relationship and probably the longest I will ever have. Haha. No matter, I just like having this little digital sanctum to journal my life. Looking forward to the new year, I still do think I have a lot of interesting things to do.

This year is actually going to be a snowy new year. Grabbing my camera and definitely travelling locally to see new vistas. Speaking of which, I should get back to uploading more photos on my 500px page.  With the little time I’ve had I’ve managed to do something new and special for myself. I preface, this is not a sponsored post. For the past months, I’ve been considering getting personal business cards especially for my photography portfolio. I’ve been shopping locally until I found a shop called VistaPrint. I found later after my first visit, they are actually an online company and this being their flagship store. After finding the time to return for a repeat visit, I finally order about 500 cards. It might be overkill, but it’s was a steal since it was only $10 with their holiday offer. Otherwise I would’ve gotten a smaller amount, like 100 or so. I’m a bit excited though I wish I had something cooler to put on the card. Hopefully I’ll get them shortly in the new year.

I’m still doing the YouTube thing and playing all the games. Actually Steam has their annual winter sale, I’ve bought a few more games which I won’t be playing until next Christmas. Hopefully I’ll have enough time to play them all and upload something.

For now I’ll just enjoy the bit of relaxed unemployment. Probably get back to do my own photography. If they call me for work, I did make my intent known. I was going to play nice to declare my resignation two weeks before I leave but this manager really put it out there. Technically not illegal from what I’ve read however they have to let me know if I have been terminated. Don’t care, I’ve voluntarily withdrew my employment in a busy store and it’s the holiday season and if I remember correctly I have most if not the entire law on my side as the employee. My only regret is I wish I could work with my old manager, they were way more polite and way more helpful this garbage person. Though hopefully I can be re-employed under my old manager than any other.

Anyways, I’m glad I have a few days to myself.

Rediscovering Me…Yet Again

As of writing this post, I’ve found my musical centre after listening to a lot of pop music. There is something about pop music that keeps me numb. Numb from joy and making things feel a bit upbeat, even when things are the contrary. Ever since I discovered music in my early teens, there has always been a part of me that jams with punk and emo music. Yeah, I’m admitting I’m a bit of an emo kid at heart. As an adult, I got nothing to hide from it. Kids are so immature at something they don’t understand and I’ve been on both sides who were and did ridicule.

The first time I ever hear punk music was Fall Out Boy, they were in the middle of their third or fourth album. I think it’s the second time they released Grand Theft Autumn. That was the song that hooked me into punk. From there I found Paramore and later on All American Rejects during their early wading into pop culture. I did find other bands, but they never stuck like those (and a few others). It was indeed something spiritual in terms of the music of the 2000’s, something happened and it was never replicated after. Any 20-something would agree that decade was great for music.

As much as I want to dig this decade’s music. It’s either too loud without a rhythm or it’s too fast which doesn’t have much of a soulful feel too it. Is it just me or just everyone’s taste in music has kind of dropped into a hip-hip and pop derivative. Nothing wrong but I’m kind of bored of the synthesizer and I want the bands with the guitars and drums (maybe a piano) with some actual vocals.

There’s always music in the world, but the music you want to hear is either before your time or hasn’t been yet. Much like life, it’s best experienced before we can make a choice. I’ve made mine. Definitely a bit of the mid-2000’s punk/emo era still lives inside me. Even when passed, I still find that music has transcended beyond to reach me.

What’s old is new…

It’s been fairly stale in terms TV shows I’m following. Ever since I lost interest in The Big Bang Theory, I’ve been just watching YouTube and going to the cinema.

This fall has been the coolest time however, coolest yet conflicting. Started off with news of the Mythbusters coming back after their small competition show to find the next duo. So far I’ve seen a few episodes and I’m fairly on the fence about it. IT really makes references back to the first 10 seasons of Mythbusters and the pair doesn’t really stand out as personalities when they follow a shadow. I still like science experiments and explosions so I’ll keep watching until the they find their footing.

Since I heard the fan film Axanar was taken down, I felt kind of empty about the Trek franchise. The universe J.J. Abrams tried to weave with a new cast and an altered universe made me somewhat nervous if there was ever going to be a prime universe Trek. When I found Axanar, I was excited. Now to present day Discovery and Axanar will never see the light of day. The TV show is Trek in the sense it’s diverse especially having an openly gay couple and lots of species never heard before. However it doesn’t feel like it fits before the 5-year voyage of the Enterprise in The Original Series. I’m going to still watch even though it’s a terrible way to introduce the Klingon-Federation war.

Interestingly, Seth Macfarlane’s The Orville feels like the closest thing to Trek but with a Family Guy vibe with all the jokes. I enjoyed what’s happened on far and has addressed a lot of human issues in a Trek-like way. I’m quite unsure if I like either more.

On the horizon, I’m hearing things about a prequel to Stargate. I’m curious though I wish Stargate Universe would return.