nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

#6 – “Stay”

Hey,

We both know the first time we’ve met. Somewhere in the world with a smirk and a smile. You standing there with an honest blush on your face. I never really told you when I first fell in love with you.

It was one of our dates where I took you to the cinema; as simple as it started, it was just the best way to remember. We stay in the dark and watched the drama unfold. Through it, I felt your hand drift into mine. Your head softly lean on my broad shoulders. I looked over to find your hand holding mine. I was still unsure if you would end up like every woman in my life, upped and gone. In the darkness, you reach out and squeezed almost telling me there is someone there for me. I squeeze back, hope you understand what that meant to me.

Though after the movie, I was regretting we watched the last show. I remember taking the train with you. The entire way to your stop, you just held me and I could only hold you back. In our embrace, the world didn’t seem to matter. Time didn’t even seem to matter. As we walked home in the street light, you asked me to come in; of course, I could never say no to you (except playfully). As I close the door behind the stone path leading to your house, you kissed me and pulled me up stairs. Dragging me towards your bed, you made your intentions known. I told you I was tired. You held me down on your bed and kissed softly, you laid me down and cuddled into my arms. I didn’t resist but insisted.

“Stay”

It was enough to know you wanted to be loved. I do; I love you.

Eric

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#5 – The Right Shot

Hey,

Thanks for letting me take photos of you. You did kind of did take me every time we went out. You’re such a dork for pulling out your phone during dinner and taking photos. I especially remembering you taking one while I had a bunch of noodles hanging out of my mouth.

Though it took us forever to finish today, I liked every moment. Watching every pose, seeing the smile your always put on; you lift me up to this plane of happiness every time we’re together. As I hit the shutter button, I felt like I was in a trance just seeing the moments we had spent and the dreams I still think about for us. When I put down my camera and kissed you on your bed, I really wanted to mean it. Wanted all those dreams transferred from lip to lip so you can understand how I feel about you.

But I would take a kiss any day.

Eric

#4 – The Right Moment

Hey,

Here’s the thing about taking a photo for me. I love going to somewhere familiar, yet different. An oxymoron, right? The thing is once I find something I want, I do what I can to make it perfect.

I spend so much to change it, alter it, transform it into something I would proud of; sorry sweetheart, when it’s just right I have the urge to make it better. When we first met, I felt like my life can be better. I was a scrambled mess until I starting to pick up a few hobbies then landing to this one, photography – my therapy. Even while I edit my photos with you sleeping next to me, I feel I have everything I could ask for. It’s odd how one little thing, one person, can bring so much joy.

There were time you would surprise me in ways that baffle me. The craziest thing was when you called me over and when you opened the door, I felt my lung empty in half a gasp. You dyed your hair, not only that but you also cut it down where the end curl to almost meet your neck. Yes, at first I was pretty mad you went from your natural blonde to a deep purple. Without warning, I was mildly upset but I hid it; I’ll admit it now. After that day, it slowly grew on me.

You’ve made your point. There are a few things that even when I think I have it right, things get better even if I’m not involved. Perhaps the right moment can be the one I don’t necessarily control but if we’re both willing, we can capture it together.

Eric

#3 – In The Roughest Day

Hey,

Thanks for coming over. We do talk about a lot about everything. I rarely turned into that person but I was glad you were there.

The stress of the world recently has oppressed everything. With work being all it is the past week, I felt like I wanted to curl up and cried. As I laid with a tear rolling down my cheek, I saw your message lighting up my phone. In the darkest room, I replied back and you promptly told me to come over.

Even if it was hours ago, I still remember your open arms wrapped warmly around me. Laying in your bed, we just talked, held hands and just grew in that bed. The tears subsided and we just lay there together with our music filling the silence. As my emotions calmed and my head cleared, I turn over to your nestled on my shoulder. I couldn’t help but to kiss your forehead. You looked up to me and met me halfway as we leaned in to kiss each other.

Under the dim light and the soft mutual touch, it felt right and I felt you need to know how much I wanted to be with you – even though we were tired.

Eric

#2 – Stutter Bug

Hey,

While I’m writing this, I feel I’m stumbling through my words in this letter but I’ll try.

I can remember the island. It was sunny, invitingly warm. It was only a few times I have been here but I’ve been taking pictures the entire day. I was composing a shot of the pier when I was rudely bumped. As I looked over my shoulder and my slung backpack, there you were. You had this puppy look as you apologized to this complete stranger. Your little film camera was pointed at your friend, framed with the trees and the skyline; you stop midway to your relentless sorry. “-oh hey…how have you been?” or something like that, I was already lost in your surprised smile. It was strange to meet a familiar face again since were first hit it off. From how you sound, I knew you were thinking of me as well. Just two awkward people  staring into each other’s eyes, then interrupted by your friend who you introduced. You were trying so hard to remain cool, but I knew I was stuttering away while caught by your gorgeous eyes.

I don’t know how it happened but we ended up the day taking photos together. On such a beautiful day, I was surprised I got a lot of photos. Boarding the boat and watching the sunset with you, I remember you walked up close to me and hugged me. It was interesting, inviting but it was kind of forward. At that moment I reminded myself, “get her number, right now.” As I reached in my pocket for my phone, I felt your hand grab for my phone and already adding your number down. As we walked from the terminal to the street, I felt terrible to part ways.

I knew I would call you later that night.

E

#1 – “Hey”

Hey,

Thanks for the other night, I hope it was just as enjoyable for you as it was for me. I can’t believe I stayed up talking to you. Surprisingly it was the best conversation I’ve had in a long while, never have I thought you would be just as into photography as I am.

When I first met you, I was a shy person. Always standing away from the crowd and looking at my phone. When I first saw you on the train, it was like looking out in the world for the first time. You were so glowing. I was never a lucky person to begin with but the moment the car jerked  and you fell into my arms, it was something out of the movie. I can still remember stammering away trying to get more than just an “it’s okay” our of your apology. You smiled so politely like I actually had a speech impediment, but that awkward moment I can still remember we connected. After all this time, I don’t remember what; probably where we were going but I knew this ride would end.

All I had was a name as you stepped off the train, as the door closed I really wanted your phone number.

E

New Writing Project (Also Online Dating, Eh?)

I think I’m going to try and write a new series of posts. I’m not sure how long it  will last but I have a good idea. Before the internet, people would write love letters and have pen pals to write back and forth. So I think I’m going to put them both together and write some love letters. Unfortunately I don’t have them address to anyone but I guess I’ll leave it to you guys and gals to read and take it as you wish. Perhaps it is time to reveal the inner workings of my personality through intimate notes. Will you be able to handle it?

I guess this is coming to a head since the past half decade has been abysmal for my social life. I’ve met people for sure but I never found someone I could really date. To that end I tried a bit of online dating, still nothing turned up to be substantial. I think it’s the age I am and the people who use dating websites. With accessibility to apps that pander style over substance, it’s tough to find someone. For the past fours years I’ve actually kept an active dating profile on Plenty Of Fish. I’ve gotten a few messages for sure but either I wasn’t right or they have lost interest in me. In a way, this is me disclosing a personal part of me so it doesn’t consume me as it did before. I rarely updated my profile but this week, I changed it from upbeat to very honest. As I wrote it a realized it’s blogging material, it maybe a bit too personal on the internet. However I do this it’s best to leave it out in the open and leave it as a way of saying “Hi, this is me. Sorry I’m not what you expected.” With that I think I should leave what I left behind.

The best to to really tell you what I want is to lay out everything to you, anonymous women of the internet. So here’s the uncut uncensored things you should know about me after you are done reading and you still find me a worthwhile pursuit, then please message me.

I do best to be stick to my own personal ethics; courage, honesty, and love. I chose these because I think they outline my personality. Honesty because I like to be truthful, I do sometimes lie but I’m never good at it. Whether it’s my skewed knowledge of the world to say it or out of curious intent, I’ll say it. Much of it is reinforced by how my life kind of turned out to me; more below. Courage because I am willing to do what is right even when everyone says it’s wrong. I put everyone else before myself, probably because I’m still discovering part of myself. I have been know to disregard my own health to help others because sometimes I feel I don’t control myself as I should like others, that shouldn’t be seen as courage but it would look that way. Lastly love since it’s fitting to everything I do and to why I’m on (and still on) PoF. I do what to do to express my joy and care to my work or to the people I know. Though I know you, doesn’t mean I love you. The way we personally respect each other really determines the devotion I would put into someone. There is no formula or equation, I rely on my instinct and past experiences tell me if I want to do something out of love.

As I’m writing this I feel hesitant to mention but I feel it’s important. I don’t want any sympathy, I just want an open ear and hopefully someone open heart and understand it all. Growing up as a kid, I lived under the middle class. My family had a home but were just making ends meet. In school, I was bullied a lot which seems to be a demographic consensus about the 90’s. I got picked on for not having all the pop culture goodies like a Game Boy, cable TV or Pokemon cards. Also I was made fun because I was slow, fat and gay. Two of those were true, I was slow and fat. I think everyone was a bit homophobic for the time. At home, I would describe living as stale. I would always walk home at school and never had the chance to go play. I would be at home doing homework and watch TV. I was never exposed to pop culture; only things I knew was Cops, The Simpsons, The X-Files and the news. Most of my childhood was stuck indoors with homework or TV or being beaten by my dad. It’s only later in my life near high school I finally got my first Game Boy and got to see more of the world through the Internet. I never had a single friend because I didn’t go out and play which I guess led me to be a bit shy and reserved in adulthood. In high school, everything just felt like my social life was set in stone. I would go to school, learn, go home, learn, sit on front of a screen and vegetate. I did have crushes throughout which helped me figure out what I was into. Without the skills to be social, I kind of smiled and kept my head down. At least by the time I hit my mid-teens, I was actually finding my music. Most of the bands I listened to then are the same now, they’re really what makes me feel a bit whole. Coming up on present day, I did have a couple relationships; both were long distance but the one I actually met her in person. Don’t ask me how a unsocial person like me manage to find them, I’m surprised but appreciative that they got to be part of my life for a brief moment. Due to working my butt off to be under average while I was young, I experienced very little as a teen and a child. I’ve been kind of taking take those years from my parents who beat and overfed me. I’ve been kind of enjoying going to toy stores, listening to music, flipping through picture books. I never went to prom, I never had sex, I never became the true romantic I realized I was when I found out I was attracted to Caucasian girls in high school. I still know I have to be an adult, but a part of me just want to at least hold onto something meaningful. Coming up to my 30’s and I have yet experienced what I truly want. I want to be loved. I want to walk down sandy beaches, watch sunsets, sit on the couch and cuddle with a bowl of popcorn and a show. I want to hold someone close to me and feel time stop as my heart races before the kiss. I want to find the one woman who is much into me as I’m into her. I don’t want multiples, just the one. It’s might be difficult but I’ve poured it all out to you.

I never get what I want but can’t hurt to put down the qualities I like for my partner whether you fit as a whole or in parts. I don’t care, you’re amazing and one day you will see how much I appreciate you for being you. Your appearance I would describe as fair skin with red, blue, green, purple, blonde, brown hair and inviting eyes. Height I like no taller than mine though Taylor Swift is gorgeous above 6′.I would prefer someone who I can carry but based off my last relationships, I do prefer curvy women as well. Physicality is only a small portion though. I like someone who I feel comfortable talking to even if we don’t agree. Someone who can tolerate my faults physically and otherwise. Affection is a must since I like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. An undaunting upbeat attitude since I do feel down sometimes, I try and force myself to be happy but it’s kind of a challenge with ADHD and depression. Someone who likes to text and be texted, I do like picking up my phone and see nice messages from you. Whether it’s a question or random thought you want to share, I like to read it. I would probably do the same in return.

I should let you know I’m not interested in one night stands, smoking weed, doing illicit drugs.

No matter when you will find me and where we will meet, know I’m thinking of you. You, the one who will find me no matter what state I’m in. I’m waiting or looking for you too.

 

Things Don’t Change…Do They?

I’m finally home. I’m tired since I finished but I want to curl up in a ball and let my body just go into a slump again.

Now I’m back,  I realize things can get much worse in a short amount of time. Working with short turn around times and under stress, I’ve learned a few things about myself that will always remain true. Firstly being grace under pressure; I might have it, then again sometimes I don’t. Really hard to explain it but when I’m given something to do and I know I can do it, I’ll get it done whether it is in an hour or in 15 minutes. As much as I can complete with calm and focus, I do panic and when I panic I can really make mistakes. Whether my scars and bruises prove this or not, I zone in so much that sometimes pain feels secondary. I feel it but it hurts more after the fact. After the fact, I’m still hurting and sore. I have a lot of dirty laundry to clean.

I’m finally here, home. No more weekend breaks to sleep in my room. Just a week before I get back to my normal working schedule which places my the amount of summer I have left to about under week. I’m planning to do as much as I can before this little break is over. Starting with uploading to my YouTube channel again, I miss playing games and sharing it. I never wanted to build on the channel it’s something on the side to keep me off the internet. I’ve said this many times before and I’ll keep telling myself this until I can fully stop. The weekends I did have, I’ve impulse buy binge. First it started with a Steam card. From there it was mostly alcohol and stuff I wouldn’t buy if I had my normal wages. In it all, I bought a new lens for my camera and a tripod. Definitely before the summer ends, I want to use both of them.

With them, I think I should do some travelling with both my tripod and camera. I want to take photos and scenes of places beyond my home. This summer, I took some incredible photos but I still want to take more before it’s done. Oh, I want see some movies. Even when alone, I want to at least have some fun with myself.

If I can’t have fun alone, who will I share this life? Underneath, I’m still the same person. Still reaching out and hoping in the dark, I feel a warm hand holding mine. Some things still don’t change. Or do they?

 

Almost

For some context, I wrote this around 11 in the evening. Even though I’m home, it’s a small respite from work. This long ordeal is almost done. I can get back to my life uploading and doing photography things very shortly. It’s been so long, I miss playing video games in a meaningful way. When I come home right now, it’s just to get my weekly fill. Almost like an addiction, perhaps it is and I’m deceiving myself. My mood has been the only outlet for the truth.

I just feel more and more tired, not in a physical manner but emotionally. Recently I’ve been focusing on breathing techniques to get through the day but it gets harder and harder. To make matters worse, I’m running out of my medication with little to no time to refill a prescription.What I have not is just partially effective. I noticed I would be in a good mood and sometime midday my mood would change into a dark polar opposite. Compounding to all this, I’m having thoughts again. Those deep dark thoughts I thought I have pushed away. They’re still here, tucked under the drugs and cognitive therapy. With all the stuff hanging over me, I’ve turned into a bit of an alcoholic. I wish I didn’t have to be, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel more comfortable without curling into a ball and shutting the world out.

Perhaps when I get back to keeping busy with hobbies, I’ll feel better. All this time, I miss watching all the YouTube I want. The videos from the users I’ve subscribed to will take a couple weeks of binge watching to complete and I don’t know what’s going on in Star Trek Online, but I would like to see what’s new. I probably missed some new stuff and the summer event. I’m sitting here watching my old life pass by me – weird feeling to observer your habits as a third person.

Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps I’m sleepy. I’m almost home.

 

The Finish Line

Sometimes I feel – nay, I know – when I’m not going to complete something. It could be anything. From high school, I would half complete my assignments and hope it’s enough to pass me. In life however, there is no half; it’s all or nothing. In that mentality, then I do feel I don’t complete anything.

The summer hasn’t been much different, still much to go until the fall but the work I’ve been out doing is almost ending. After that it’s back to me playing video games for a YouTube channel that doesn’t get popular, a blog that’s hardly read (if you are a long time reader, I thank you for staying.) and a photography album that is still growing.  Throughout I have had negative thoughts, still have them, but it’s how I live with them what makes a difference. I try to not give into them, not anymore. When I do, I do it to protect myself for just the moment. Now after all the emotional assault I’ve endured, I’m tired. Worn out, I feel a bit empty inside. Feels no different than knowing everything around you has failed your and you failed yourself. It’s a feeling I’ve known but not in this intensity and ferocity.

Just a couple more weeks and then I’ll get help. Holding on and hoping I’ll make it to the finish line.