Repetitive Dreams

Sleeping for me can be a weird, anxious roll of the dice. Entering this unconscious world chances a few things I would experiences. Most of the time, I see nothing. I would go to bed and wake up, boring uneventful sleep. Nightmares happen to a lot of people, it’s rare for me. But the ones I do enter a space like that, it’s scary and vivid. Compared to childhood nightmares, adulthood make it scarier. Lastly there are “the trips”; long, odd and (especially for me) repeating ideas.

This week I had part of a repetitive dream. The full or most complete dream I’ve had involves what I would assume are from experiences and concepts I’ve visually seen. In this recent dream, it always starts on a Greyhound coach bus which slows into station. It overlooks this small town with buildings no larger than 4 stories. As I descends the steps to street level, I can feel the weight of a backpack bouncing. As I walk down a wide road with these grey towering buildings, I find myself into what looked like an older district with red bricks and turn of the century architecture. The only thing tainting the old fashioned quarter was a tall highway scarring across back towards the bus station. The prominent landmark there is a wedge shaped building. It’s smaller than the one I live close to, but it was unique. The street bifurcating right at the building and flanked by these small stores, cafes and restaurants. The dream ends with the walk back with a slow encroaching sunset along the road leading back to the station. I would look up and always see red Chinese lanterns strung across the buildings. I would wake up either close to the bus station or on the bus that is waiting for me there.

If anyone know what this means, feel free to comment.

This is the tamest dream I have, while some are more intense.

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Movie Theatres, am I right?

So this past March and this April, I have a few movies I want to see in theatre. Not just at a Cineplex or big massive, multi-theatre cinema.

I’ve always enjoyed the tight intimacy of small cinema, those places that seat under a hundred people. That place where it feels like your parents met there in some romantic comedic serendipity. But I love it, I like sitting in a dark room and looking at these actors play out scenes from our inner desires. Love, compassion, companionship, belonging or longing; just some of these things I wish I had ample of in my life. It’s almost otherworldly yet down to earth.

Nowadays, it’s kind of hard to find a place that plays movies beyond the expanse of Hollywood. However there are gems beyond the blockbusters, beyond Marvel and DC even. I recent did take the opportunity to see Captain Marvel at the very end of it’s premiere week. Pro tip for anyone to avoid crowds, go to any hyped movie after the premiere week when it first comes out and go late and during the week (also avoid matinees though the tickets are super cheap). Worthy little show for anyone who wants a superhero movie. Though the Marvel Cinematic Universe is starting to be more of lip service to the fans than really making something different. Though Capt. Marvel was a bit of the exception, giving a couple gender swapped characters. A bit of relief though it felt more of the same ride I’ve been on with Ironman and Spiderman.

After a few days I went back to my favoured cinema-of-choice. This time going from female character standing up for herself to a female character with a terminal illness. Five Feet Apart. I would say it was The Fault In Our Stars but harder to watch (in a good way). The characters are inclusive, a bit dimensional but played into fun scenarios. However at the same time, the hurting feeling as two patients find their way to express their romantic interest. I’m a sucker for teen romance dramas, something about them makes me want to feel how they feel in those moments. The happy moments were so youthful and bright but when it got serious, it built up hard where you keep thinking “not like this”. I’ve cried during a few films, it’s been awhile. However this one…this was a near miss to making me bawl my eyes out. More interestingly, after the last scene I was compelled to look up the dedication. Simply read “For Claire” with a young girl’s photo, I wanted to know more. Quick Google search, I was surprised to find more. After that I want to listen to everything this girl had to say on her YouTube. Someone who died months ago is still changing the hearts out there. She made me think of myself in a new light and I want to try and be a better person for now on. Who knew a movie can really change me like this.

Next on the list, DC’s Shazam! Marvel had their chance so I’m giving DC a shot beyond the childhood known heroes. I’ve honestly never heard of Shazam so it’s a good chance to see it. Also gives me the chance to expose myself to new comic book superheroes. After seeing these, I’m totally done with heroes. I’ll give it a shot.

A Month Ago – The Conclusion

Continue from here.

About a month passed and work was coming to the end. I spend the best trying settle in; sleep, work, eat, meditate (Thanks Pacifica), TV, eat, meditate, repeat. Though I had about a week to go, I wish I had one more just to take my camera out one more time. The snow isn’t like that in the city and I wanted this chance to take it all in.

Packing wasn’t as tough as I was beginning to get use to travelling. Works clothes first into a bag, then my own clothes in another and finally my cameras into it’s own bag. I sat waiting for my ride out. It was kind of sad knowing I might not come back working here. With a living space I had, I wouldn’t mind it if I could come back here every day. I turned a small apartment room into a home. Not my home, but a home I would be happy to come back to at the end.

Listening to my MP3 player on the ride back. I watched nature give away to concrete and steel. The 2 lane highway turned into 4, then 6. I saw the city limits, then I was under an hour from my house. Coming back into my room, I felt relieved but I knew I had it better while I was there. If I had my computer and my own internet, I would’ve been content.

It made me fortunate with the time I had there and what I have here waiting for me. Here, the moments I life behind and the moments still waiting to be discovered.

I still have photos to process, hopefully be done with them by March. While I do that, take more of my city. Or perhaps take one more trip as my vacation. Though while I was there, it felt like a vacation from my own life.

A Month Ago – The Town

Continues from here.

I travelled to the next town over after scouting this place for a dining spot. The week before, I ate at a quiet Chinese/Japanese All-You-Can-Eat spot. After walking the main street there, I knew I had to return. I spend the afternoon until sundown taking photos right across town. Starting from a park on the most easterly and following the river right to the middle of town and their marina. For city folk like me, I wish I could just sit there in awe in the beauty. People in makeshift and pre-fabricated fishing cabins, the silence breaking through over the frozen water’s edge. If my damn zipper would have zipped, I could’ve stayed in once place and run my camera through everything in my bag (filters, timers, lenses oh my). By the time I reach the southerly end complete with mall, I had enough time to walk in for a browse before calling a ride home.

A Month Ago – The Beach

Continues from here.

The snow up there is much more than I’m used to, the snowbanks were as tall as single story buildings. The snow laid calm though just underneath was a skin of ice thick as window glass. I went out to the local town and found myself walking into a path leading along a small river. I came across a park covered in snow with one path plowed along rolling cliffs with houses flanking this flat space. It was beautiful and magical; the morning sun glistening on the snow, the wind calmed in the trees. I tried to follow a foot track to the clearing but I sunk into the snow right up to the hip. Rather than wading into a potential risk of hypothermia, I retreated. I photo cam be a gorgeous thing, but I wasn’t equipped to wade into deep snow for one shot. That morning was relatively cold. My breath froze on my camera body, cellphone sluggish to every action I demand from it. By the time I made it to the beach and walked back, the wind kicked up that I had to take shelter behind a snowbank before my eyes froze shut. It didn’t help that my jacket zipper finally broke that week and I didn’t find a good replacement for my poor jacket. From there, the frigid morning gave way to a cool afternoon.

A Month Ago – The Break

Continues from here.

On the off time, I downloaded some apps to help my pills through the infinite sadness. I first downloaded Calm, but being poked and prodded for a premium subscription, I decided to download Pacifica. Both are depression and anxiety apps, the later more geared towards recording my mental well being daily and giving me a communal support group. At first I was hesitant about Pacifica, I can say it’s growing on me. I like the guided meditation and the interface. Though the private groups users created are hidden away but the public spaces there are very helpful. Reading about all the good things happening to people and then trying to help others, I feel so comfortable in that space.

When I was halfway through my time there, I finally decided to go home to pick up one more thing I should’ve brought with me while I was up there. My camera, how much I missed it. The next weekend I had I woke up early to catch the sunrise and went on a walking excursion.

A Month Ago – The Grind

Start from here.

It was absolutely slow knowing I’d be away for so long without my desktop. Luckily I didn’t bring a laptop, otherwise I was be stuck without internet. All I had was my phone and MP3 player to keep me company when I’m not working. Well…I did have a TV provided to me, a small plus since I could watch Star Trek Discovery and all the TV shows I usually download. I’m still one of those holdouts who pirate instead of streaming things on Netflix and the like.

I did however had the opportunity to go to Tim Horton’s or the mall to use the wi-fi there but I could never stay long enough to download something. When I did go, I would catch up with YouTube. When I wasn’t mooching, I just used my data to look things up or check Facebook and Instagram. Speaking of which, I did spend a lot of data and if you’re not from Canada, you could not feel how crippling going 8GB over your plan can be. Honestly it’s a small price to pay to stay sane.

I always had trouble sleeping when living in a new place. Even if it’s just for a couple nights in a motel. The first couple weeks I was struggling to sleep normally that after work I would just crash for a couple hours before dinner. After I had my belly filled, I would crash another couple hours in from of my TV. Waiting – waiting for the night to be morning.