August 19, 2017
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For some context, I wrote this around 11 in the evening. Even though I’m home, it’s a small respite from work. This long ordeal is almost done. I can get back to my life uploading and doing photography things very shortly. It’s been so long, I miss playing video games in a meaningful way. When I come home right now, it’s just to get my weekly fill. Almost like an addiction, perhaps it is and I’m deceiving myself. My mood has been the only outlet for the truth.
I just feel more and more tired, not in a physical manner but emotionally. Recently I’ve been focusing on breathing techniques to get through the day but it gets harder and harder. To make matters worse, I’m running out of my medication with little to no time to refill a prescription.What I have not is just partially effective. I noticed I would be in a good mood and sometime midday my mood would change into a dark polar opposite. Compounding to all this, I’m having thoughts again. Those deep dark thoughts I thought I have pushed away. They’re still here, tucked under the drugs and cognitive therapy. With all the stuff hanging over me, I’ve turned into a bit of an alcoholic. I wish I didn’t have to be, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel more comfortable without curling into a ball and shutting the world out.
Perhaps when I get back to keeping busy with hobbies, I’ll feel better. All this time, I miss watching all the YouTube I want. The videos from the users I’ve subscribed to will take a couple weeks of binge watching to complete and I don’t know what’s going on in Star Trek Online, but I would like to see what’s new. I probably missed some new stuff and the summer event. I’m sitting here watching my old life pass by me – weird feeling to observer your habits as a third person.
Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps I’m sleepy. I’m almost home.
August 7, 2017
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The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. I haven’t been able to be in a peachy mood for awhile and I’m starting to feel the mood that can only be described as “The Infinite Sadness”.
Being away from home has taken a toll on me since I’ve done nothing but become a workoholic. Spending everyday tiring myself out and repeating; however the work varies but it’s the same principle, work then sleep. With that, I’ve missed a few meals here and there. I’ve been down this road before and it’s kind of how I noticed I’m not doing too good, the lack of food and the need to drink. While we’re on the subject of drinking, I do drink alcohol. I’m an adult, I know when to stop. Recently I’ve been spiralling into madness with it, I’ve been drinking heavily and alone. Likely not the two best signs of a cheery chap.
After coming home last week for a short break from work, all I did was sit and sleep. Also video games; mindless video game violence. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I use to; still shower and maintain my own personal hygiene but outside of that, I haven’t done much. Still taking my medication but I think the stress has outpaced the medication. Which is surprising if it is since I trust the medication to last me through the day. I did notice the effects slowly wearing off. Started with a midday slump right after lunch, then it was like an old car engine sputtering to a crawl. Then, there was nothing. No second wind. No miracle recovery. Just the driver in his broken down car.
I still have a couple weeks left on my medication. I could get it refilled, worth a shot though I live 200km away from my pharmacist at the moment and it might be a bother to get a month’s worth for just two more weeks.
Maybe just hold out, just a bit longer. Then hope things will get better.
July 22, 2017
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It really sucks to be away from home. Having only a couple days without work, I have to really pick and choose what I want to do.
At the moment I have all my projects on hold, aside from my blog everything is on hold. Still blogging is tough when I have trying to allocating a few hours to push something out of my head onto a blank webpage. Sometimes I would get an incredible idea then it would disappear as I get to my computer to put it down.
Before I left I had a few around to do on the weekday. With a lens being cleaned and I can only be returned on the weekend, I’m forced to learn how a prime lens can be fun to use. So far, it’s interesting but I haven’t seen the photos I’ve until I check my card. This weekend, I guess I’ll try and take some photos. Perhaps give the new tripod a try.
I’m out of opportunities to personally improve myself but working on my life. Well hopefully what I’m doing works out. We’ll just have to see.
July 15, 2017
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I regrettably bought myself a tripod at a store I knew little about. Upon closer inspection, I realized this isn’t the tripod I wanted.
My previous tripod before I bought this new one was a metre high. Almost everything besides the screws and legs are made out of plastic. It’s still a nice little tripod that I got as a gift but as I kept shooting with it, I found it very restrictive since there were some shots I wouldn’t be able to do at that height. Not so recently I bought myself a new tripod hoping it would be better. It is, however I wish I asked more questions about the type of heads and their advantages. The old one I have is a pan head, which has two screws to control the pitch (up and down) and pan (left and right) as well as one knob for tilts (closest I can describe is the level of the camera). That’s a pan head, which I’m very familiar with however the new one is all light metal and designed as a ball head. From what I’ve learned, a ball head has one knob to control pan, tilt and pitch. Then one to control the rotation of the ball mount? I seriously don’t know what that one knob does besides to stop the mount from rotating. (Anyone who’s experienced with ball head tripods, leave me a comment and help me out. Thanks!)
I guess the one lesson to learn here is ask questions, even when you think you’re sure…ask anyways.
Okay, maybe a second lesson here is don’t make impulse purchases over 10 dollars, you will be screwed on the return policy (which the store does not have, unfortunately.)
July 8, 2017
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I’m a bit confused what happened to 500px recently. Last week I managed to upload a few photos. Fast forward today, I tried to upload more photos which my limit was reach the previous week. Interestingly, I can only upload one.
I looked over at Wikipedia which has the list of image sharing websites and how each application interacts with their users. The one thing that made me gravitate to 500px was the 50 photos per week limit. Recently, it feels like it’s way less than it’s described on Wikipedia.
After looking through the support website for 500px, they did lower the limit. From 20 photos to 7, a substantial amount which could be difficult for me to upload a lot of photos from a session or a shoot.
The challenge is harder but it’s not entirely impossible. Though I was hoping if they did limit it further is to put it to 10 photos a week. I’ll just have to see how I my photos will turn out.
July 1, 2017
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One thing’s constant in my life, trouble. I’m always being told I’m wrong. It hurts a lot when people who you think are friends turn against you when you know what happened was wrong.
Something happened I wish no one would ever have to go through and those who have been there, they know what I’m talking about. I understand why the silence is painful, how loneliness can be the only escape. Even when you lose control, you just have whatever you have to keep you tuned in. It’s a rough time when you think everyone is against you. I want to say that no matter what happens, let it out to someone. Tell someone what has happened to you. It’s painful to hurt yourself and it hurts to keep it inside. Even worse when you can’t feel anything when there should be something.
Perhaps in time I’ll tell you what has happened to me but all I can say is it’s better to tell someone. Even if it’s a friend or someone you thought you can trust, it’s better to tell someone than let it be a secret.
I’m so flooded of anger and hate and drained of emotions, I’ll let this post like this and hope this helps someone. I’ve done so much but I want to do nothing but make it better than just trouble.
June 15, 2017
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This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.
Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry. But where was I?
I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.
How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.
Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.
Why can’t I be me?
June 8, 2017
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When I first started, I was just feeling adventurous. I saw some amazing photographs in my time but having the opportunity to make some of my own was tempting.
I picked up my DSLR a couple years ago, since then I’ve captured some amazing photos. I’ve seen the plain and turned into something artistic. My still life and street photography has grew out just from observing my surroundings and being open to just taking a photo.
Technically speaking, I’m still fairly adept. I still have much to learn and do. I haven’t done a portraiture and I haven’t done a lot of night and low light photography. I still have yet used the on board flash. I still want to try all of those and get a bit skilled into it. I just want to do all the things.
I know after I bought my third lens, I promised myself to stop buying equipment. I might just break my promise once I get back from work. I realized I’m missing a few things including a vessel to carry all my lenses together. I’m planning to remedy that with something homemade. I would like an external flash and a remote trigger, more importantly the remote trigger. I’m a bit inspired by some self portraits from another photographer I’ve been following on 500px. She does amazing work with your body and a remote trigger. I don’t have a body like her, but I would like to do some portraiture of self and others.
For now I’ll just save my money and keep on learning.
June 1, 2017
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I think this hobby has yielded me some personal discoveries. Perhaps I should pick up more hobbies.
Patience is one thing I either have or don’t. Every time I wield my camera, I feel something change within me. Something that tells me to stop and breathe, watch and wait. Some of my best shots so far have just involved me sitting and waiting after finding something worth a photograph. I have some which don’t really fit the bill as something worth a view, but the best are those I just sat and observed it.
I stomped out my own creativity when I was a kid since I was a very fidgety kid. If you told child me I would be an artist, I would have paid no mind since I could only draw stick figures. Of course I did take art classes as a child and a preteen, but I never got beyond drawing really good stick figures and works that would look very pre-renaissance. Having a camera I don’t draw a picture, I just have to go out and find one. With the knowledge of the colour palette and cropping, all I can do is just snap and lightly edit. I’ve tried heavily editing my work but I find just a slight change to be enough.
This hobby has given me a reason to wake up every morning to go out and take a photo. Of course, I haven’t taken a one every day. I would say with all the photos I’ve taken on average, I’ve taken about two per day. I have to get up and plan, then execute and adapt to changes. If I could, I would travel to different cities and take photos. I try to wake up now so I can go out and take photos when I’m not looking for work through online job boards.
Still as I write this, I can’t help but to hold my camera and take it one last time before I spend the summer away from all my luxuries.
June 1, 2017
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I came home after just a few weeks away. Coming home to the city is feels weird. I’ve been away from home many times before, but this time it feels different.
As I drop my bag off in my room, the years I’ve spent here feel so alien. It is like coming to live in a stranger. Turning on my computer, typing; it feels like I’ve have never done this. When I came home, I tried to do some day to day things I did weeks ago. I went out for a movie and have dinner. When I went out alone, I felt abandoned. Felt like I was alone in a new city, much like any traveller has passed through my town. Going through my old haunts, I felt like the world is a bit different. Felt like I didn’t belong in this mall or this restaurant feels out of place. I sat and noshed as I looked on and saw people on a Friday night, curling up with their loved ones as I sat alone.
Coming home has given me insight on the person I am. I’m an odd person however it is what I am. The shy and rooted explorer or the closeted down to earth nomad. Perhaps all this time, I’ll step out of my shell after all this work gets completed.