October 29, 2018
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How would you be in ten years? I the phantasm of my own yester years, am I just a reflection of an alteration of my previous self?
Though eloquent than “what the hell is wrong with me?” when it comes to see to past. The passing day I grow angry or sad because I think my old social media is slowly destroying me. In the past few years, a couple people I knew got married. Lucky them but the worst of all that is they’re my age. They’ve done so much while I sat here in the corner of the globe to watch boats and stare at ceilings. As much as I struggle, these people are finding themselves and each other. They’ve settled. While here I am irrepressible and depressed, like something is either wrong with me or it’s all a hateful game. Travelled the world, create a masterpiece, fall and stay in love. I’m the damned who could just achieve just one of these.
So one more of my Facebook friends (not my real friends) finally getting married. “Good for her” while secretly I wish I could find someone special like her. Why do I bother to get up if I can’t succeed at anything besides breathing? I just wish I could stare into that mirror and see a better self so I can have something to fight for than staring back the wishing face.
Social media isn’t good for me for sure, especially if I have “friends” sharing their intimate moments. I can’t let go but at the same time, I do.
Curse this modern age.
Remember when we were kids in school and they asked us what do you think you would be in 10 years? Still the same now as I was a decade ago and probably a decade out, secretly miserable and absently alone.
October 18, 2018
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No surprise I’ve been updating this blog more infrequently. Not to dull you with all the goings on with my life. At the same time, I’ve come a long way from being absolutely professional here to being just me.
It’s another year living on this earth though. I did all I can do before work summoned me for the weekend. I went out and got myself a couple presents, sounds pathetic but I thought I would make the week special. So I got myself a bit more money for Steam, Life Is Strange 2 hopefully by Christmas.
Then after the end of the weekend, I had an opportunity to meet a lovely young woman. No surprise my life has been a bit empty, been kind of seeking companionship outside the regular places I meet people. Perhaps a bit more, the troubling part is I’m just too different or weird (or awkward) for most women. Nonetheless keep trying until someone just as like minded as me comes along. The best to hope for is soon. Though it was nice to meet someone and talk a bit ourselves on an autumn afternoon. At least now I feel I don’t have to hide this part of my life especially it’s a dull and uneventful one. Admittance is part of acceptance (I guess).
On the upside, I have now repaired my Canon T6i. Though according to the invoice it was just a clean. Clean no doubt but I regret not buying a new T6i since after all I paid for was just as justified for a new one. Perhaps even a used one with more of the equipment like a charger. Police auction is not the best way to acquired used goods. I have to get out and shoot and experiment with this camera though beside from that one time I took it to a bar with live music.
As I write this, there is a part of my heart feels empty. I just to press myself into activity and hope I find what I’m looking for, just take the shots I need and hopefully one will be that beautiful moment. For now, I just feel slow and bogged down.
October 6, 2018
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The past week has been busy and recently I haven’t kept on top of the blog. However it doesn’t mean I’ve been idle.
Like last year, I’ve committed more time looking for another part-time job. There is a few potential employers I’m in talks with, hopefully I can gainfully be employed despite the political quagmire in my locale. Ever since I’ve added my photography hobby, I’ve been more curious about how to go about marketing that to employers. Meanwhile I did get a small gig working as a consultant with all I know about photography. It was fairly impromptu but I helped a few, though their photographer was a but stubborn at the young whippersnapper trying to tell him what to do. I would’ve happily photographed their products but they’re a big stringent and uncontrollable on site. There is little to no budget for photography yet they ask their employees to do a lot with nothing. Definitely contracting my services in the future would be more suitable for me.
After a few weeks, I’ve finally taken my new camera in for repair. The smudges (and apparently scratches) annoyed me where I finally want it cleaned. When I first bought it it didn’t come with a body cap to protect the sensor so I used mine. Little did I know, they placed it in a dusty box. From all the trouble I went through, I could’ve bought a new Canon T6i for same price and I would’ve gotten another kit lens. Defeated, I’ll take it for now. Also recently I acquired a 300mm telephoto which isn’t as sharp as I thought at 300mm so I’ve traded for a 24mm prime lens. So my collection grows in it’s own weird way.
Also since the I was told Adventure Time was ending, I’ve been trying to download the entire series to binge watch. Right now I’m in season 3 of 9, getting where I kind of stopped. I missed the show since it has that subtle adult content with a Saturday morning cartoon feel. I can’t wait for the winter since Star Trek Discovery is coming back after having a mixed first season. The Expanse is coming back at some point which I’m ready.
Looking forward since I’m playing Hitman on Steam, I’m thinking of upgrading my PC. Ten years on, she’s prime for a hardware upgrade. Motherboard, CPU and RAM. Though I think she has a few more years ahead, I need her as future proof as I made her at first. This time around, I might order through Amazon since the computer stores around here are usually sold out. I’m not sure when I’ll make those purchases but it will be as a bulk purchase.
A couple months, I just hope I can do it all. I’m a procrastinator so it might happen. We’ll see.
September 22, 2018
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The past month, I have been engulfed in the obsession with auction houses. It hasn’t gotten into online yet but I’ve been bidding on surplus equipment and items from local police departments and authorities.
So far this month, I’ve spent about $1000 on everything. A bit (if not a lot) than I expected but the savings have been either marginal or really good. Despite being cosmetically damaged or “battery life/stamina is unknown”, I fear there might be some other defects. Something defective that the employees at the auction house won’t inspect for; big example being the lens and camera body I bought. I bought a Canon 50mm and a T6i for well under the cost of even used, but on close inspection there are some imperfections. For a camera system, these imperfections are borderline close to damaged. A smudge on the reflex mirror or a hairline scratch on the lens, these would annoy me especially if it’s noticeable in the image or on the viewfinder. As satisfied as I am with them, I feel scared at the fact that I have little to no idea how the quality by just a few images and testimony from the auctioneer.
At least now I have the opportunity to get a replacement iPod Shuffle. Mine’s water damaged but at least I can have one that works with superficial damage. But that’s what’s been going on with me this past month so far.
September 12, 2018
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The other day after I spent my time taking photos around the city, I decided to hop on a streetcar. Usually people don’t chat with the driver because their focus should be the road. However looking at the face of the driver, I felt this guy needed a change of pace. So what did we talk about?
Aside from photography which he was more versed than I would ever be with techniques principles and hardware, we got into talking traffic in the city. We swapped stories as vehicle operators and pedestrians, agreeing and disagreeing on a bunch of topics. The entitled cyclist and racing bikes and cars sprinting through the roads. Hearing from him, he mentioned he wants more warning especially for pedestrian crossing. However I quipped about the confusion about pedestrian crossings.
Here we have a countdown timer for pedestrians. As simplistic it sounds, the countdown was originally meant for the vehicle committing a right turn and to tell pedestrians to stop. Whoever planned and engineered these signs made it look like the lighting system makes you think you have a certain time to cross. I said to him the only way to stop pedestrians from dashing across is if all signs just told everyone to stop. A red light for cars and a solid hand for pedestrians. In lieu of a countdown, just a hidden timer until the next green light.
Sometimes a good idea just involves talking to people who have to live through those mistakes.
The city here is filled with literal and figurative signs of actions upon the infrastructure. Senior zones that cover just 2 city blocks, defunct or aging neighbour watch, unenforced school calming zones on 6 lane thoroughfares; there is no consistent idea what the city wants but works on the whims of those affected by them. In a chaotic system like traffic infrastructure, I would side with anyone who builds a logical and intuitive system of signage.
August 29, 2018
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Recently I’ve received a new debit card, replacing the old one with a degrading chip. Of course my bank went through the whole dog and pony show. Of course now I have a bit of money so I think I can start buying a few things online.
After a bit of online browsing, I found a small site that auctions odds and ends from tools to electronics and clothing to miscellany. Thus far, I haven’t won anything. Luck of the auction I guess, but I’m starting to consider to auction snipe. At the last minute, I should just place a bid just to win it. Guess it’s one thing about online auctions, anyone can bid on anything and just force people to bid higher until no one can pay for it. So it’s just smarter to bid at the last minute.
I’ve been looking through Amazon as well. So I might buy a few things on there if there is something I want and it’s a better sale there than locally. I doubt it with shipping cost, but I’m hopefully I might find things I might need or would use.
It’s getting close to the end of summer and I’ve been prolifically taking photos. With Instagram now, I’m really picking stuff I want to share. Which is tough since there is much I want to reserve to try and license. As of yet, 500px has yet yielded a single purchase from me. So I have uploaded a lot with nothing to show, but I don’t want to give up yet.
I’ll work on it. For now, just take photos.
August 15, 2018
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I’m starting to see why people dislike radio nowadays. I don’t think the internet is the problem.
Locally according to my new MP3 player, a SanDisk Clip Sport, I have about 20 stations playing music. Not just pop music but a bit of a cultural mix aside from the occasional talk shows. However most of the stations do play top 40’s from the present or yesteryear. Which is the realization, I remember back in the day there were hardly any new top 40’s. Now it seems like there’s a hit every few months or so.
Back in the day for you to discover new music, you had to listen to the radio or from background music at a store. Then you would just have to buy the CD or a cassette (if you’re as old as me). Different to now, where you can discover music through an endless stream. Then you just buy the single or the album – digitally. In a way, radio is playing catch up and playing more of sports recap of all the best music that has graced people’s ear. Then depending on your country, they have to abide with censorship laws. So songs with profanity are edited for radio or it won’t be played. It’s unfortunate because some songs are great with the profanity. There is an upside to this.
Most of the tunes chosen by the DJ are usually great to listen most of the time. Though in the recent trends, the new urban hip-hop and R&B is kind of producing lacklustre songs. Catchy yes, but you can get sick of it so quick.
With all it’s flaws, I don’t think radio would go away. In it’s limited way, it’s an amazing free way to listen to some good music. Even as diluted as it is, you can always have chance to discover a new song. Here, we have an indie station and usually it’s hit or miss because it’s all music I’ve never heard of but that’s a classic trait about radio.
I’ll still listen to the airwaves but I’ll be station surfing.
August 8, 2018
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Last week, I’ve wrote about what goes on in my head when I’m depressed. Depression is also one of the comorbidities with ADHD, just one more thing to make mental health even more complicated. The mind is just a wonderful and immensely messy medium.
In some ways mental health is both a good and bad topic. It’s not just identifying disorders and disabilities but to really give someone closure and inclusion to their problems. It gives everyone the “now I know what to do” strength and the “I am not alone” peace. Rest in peace my doctor who gave me 5+ years of service, he helped me identify who I am mentally. I came in as a sad young adult and over time I’ve came to accept it. A lot has come in terms of researching mental health ever since I self-identified. However there is much more to do to find cures rather than fix symptoms.
Like in my last post, I want to those who identify as “normal” and without any mental illness to really understand the world I live in. Also give context for others to really relate back to how I am or what I feel.
So what does having ADHD feel like? ADHD is…
- Going out always involves doing something random. The Big Bang Theory has a neat sketch to illustrate this. Take a dice and put all the options on each side and roll it for every decision (no matter how menial).
- Fidgeting. Uncontrollably. Try not tapping your bouncing a part of your body.
- When you get to your favourite place and not be hungry.
- When you get to the tacos place, “I want dim sum.” A Chinese restaurant later, “I want a burger.”
- Anything shiny or colourful off the corner of your eye will result in turning of a head.
- My brain persuades me to sleep.
- Going to kid stores. As an adult. And you don’t have a child.
- The girl across from you is gorgeous and should go say hi but your burger is delicious.
- Reading a novel. After 1 hour, you find yourself finishing the first paragraph and spent the last hour on YouTube.
- Hopping on YouTube at 9 PM and going to bed at 5 AM.
- 4PM is your morning.
- “You come off as strong” is a universal phrase when dating.
- Being sick of taking your medication but you can’t risk having any “negative” symptoms. Can’t be sad or impulsive or anything that may be seen as abnormal.
I might have put this lightly but this is my insight to what I have, I’ve seen others demonstrate the same symptoms and are definitely ADHD but choose not to do anything. Even then, these people can sometimes point the finger right back and call you crazy. Mental health as a whole is a large pool of undiscovered solutions. In a way, mental health is like a frozen lake. Staring past the ice sheet you see the darkness. For me, I’m the darkness staring up to the beautiful sky.
August 1, 2018
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For those who never had that friend or has (and hopefully) never encountered depression. I personally have been up and down, now I want to give you some idea how it is to live with it.
People ask “How are you?” but never gain the curiosity to ask “What is it like?” If you have ever been afraid to ask here’s how I can say about it. Depression is…
- waking up and feeling like the world just doesn’t like you. Activity exercise to really put you in the mind set, you know how people tell you to say good things out loud to yourself in the mirror? Do the opposite.
- when someone attractive looks at you, you just feel too ugly for that person. The “you’re gorgeous but I know I’m never going to be good enough for you” attitude instantly sinks in.
- being exhausted. Constantly. You get up after a full night’s sleep, tired. Brushing your teeth, tired. Sitting in class, tired.
- hearing “good job” from someone but internally you hear “you aren’t good enough and this is just a passive aggressive way to let you know you’re worthless and anyone can do a better job than you”.
- constantly fighting the inner voice. The negative things just pushing you back into bed and forcing you to hide everything from everyone.
- weakness, the feeling and afraid of people knowing it. You do everything even if it hurts to seek approval because of #4.
- when you reflect on your achievements but you realize it’s nothing compared to other people’s achievements.
- thinking about what is best described as “Call of the Void”. Fascination of suicide to think about how to harm yourself or others. Though I would like to add perhaps the thoughts of what lies beyond your own death.
- self deprecating every interaction. Luckily I’m shy so I can suppress those comments but I occasionally let one slip.
- making a list and throwing it away. Nothing achieved for a non-achiever like yourself.
- after hurting, you poke where it hurts just a feel the the pain a bit.
- the manifestation of all your parents shame for you. Try doing the simplest things and having a nagging voice whispering you can’t do it.
- loneliness. Being trapped inside and hearing the world but the world cannot hear you.
It’s the best I can put it. But I hope it makes you think about the mind of someone depressed and maybe ways to help someone suffering. And those suffering, know you’re not alone.