To Coronavirus and Back

So the reason of my absence after saying I will commit: work called me up. Quite literally when my last blog was published, I got a phone call to help out a community where the novel coronavirus as gripped them heavily. I couldn’t say no since I would be sitting here and trying to put my rampant random thoughts into coherent posts. Also it paid, so there’s that.

After a month of returning, I feel a bit more at home. It was kind of hard being away for two month and feeling so alien coming back to my normal routine. Grabbing my camera for the first time after being away was a relief. I went out and took some photos and been spending the entire month trying to connect with people after being pushed away from people to help them at the same time. It was rough.

Coming back, I neglected with keeping up with the viral news. Updates to what I can and cannot do in the city. Coming back,, I had to buy a mask and keep my distance from people with chaotic movement patterns. Last month wasn’t so bad as people generally stayed home. But the city is slowly lowering the restrictions so I have been seeing more and more people for their midday meanderings. This month I’m glad to have the mask since public transit is mandating masks and any indoor spaces are doing the same. Still no indoor dining and I can’t go back to my other job, but it’s starting to look a bit normal if not better.

I think out of this pandemic, the city does benefit a lot from some zoning changes. Recently the mayor here allowed road closures along the harbour for people who want to get their workout in. Patios are allowed to be open and even extended onto sidewalks where permitted. A lot fo restaurants have been taking advantage of this near my home and it does bring a more lively vibe to the neighbourhood. These are definitely something worth promoting since it does bring people out to enjoy the summer and even connect to the area they live in. That’s some positive changes.

At the same time, a lot of radical changes are coming. I managed to keep updated to what is going on internationally. Things are looking pretty bad in the States, cases are still pretty high along with racially charged protests. The melting pot that is the United States might be finally melting and it has spread faster than the pandemic itself. I know minority communities are marginalized heavily. I myself is a visible minority despite being very anglicized. Early during this pandemic, Asian hate crimes were on the rise but no one really did anything despite these immigrants weren’t even associated to China except the colour of their skin. Even then, the majority of victims in the cases were from other countries. Therefore not all the Asian hate crimes were against Chinese. Business vandalized and owners victimized, it’s not a measuring contest for the most victimized minority. All minorities are affected to some or all the discrimination, regardless of how you look or what your are as a person. Probably another blog post about it later, but seeing people openly fighting against the racial divide is a just cause as long as no one innocent gets hurt and positive change is made for all parties.

This virus I think has done a lot more than we expected. Despite infecting millions, it’s brought us all together and realized how fragile our civilization is even with it’s inherent problems. We still have time to fix it all and move us in a different direction. We have the revelation how pollution and industry has affected the planet, we have shown we are capable of stopping pollution even for a couple month. We culturally identified the faultlines we need to heal and what must be done to change the future. When 9/11 happened in 2001, the world changed and a decade long crusade was ignited for the worst. What will it take to crusade for a better and healthier world?

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“Loneliness Kills”

Before I begin, happy belated new years. It’s been a month but I’ve been in a terrible mood. A few things happened after new years that really got me down for a couple weeks in January. The latter weeks have been trying to push myself away from those thoughts. Nothing more than work and video games trying to keep those thoughts away. At the same time, I’ve neglected on taking photos but I’ve managed to get myself outside. I managed to shoot a hockey game, which makes it the first sports event I’ve capture. Besides that, I haven’t been must productive.

Which is kind of why I haven’t been writing regularly. I have been lonely, sometimes feeling seperate from myself. As much as routine keeps my mind off things, I come home and left to my own devices. The worst has past but being isolated for so long has put me back into hold habits. I have been eating irregularly, sleep schedule is off, more time to fade into the fantasy of video games.

As a guy, it’s a bit tough to really talk about this stuff. When I mentioned it to my manager by accident, I spent an hour discussing it at work. I opened up with my entire life story, to a stranger no less. Honestly feel very uncomfortable talking this to anyone let alone strangers. There was nothing new to really relay and it just reinforcing where I am right now.

“Loneliness kills.”

“That’s sad.”

“I am fortunate.”

“Why not act?” Prefixing, succinctly “I’ve done everything I can to preserve my emotional and mental well being.”

Phrases that no longer pains me as much. I really can’t convey how numbing it is when nothing can’t be done and everything goes in circle. I don’t know how the conversation lead to my personal situation. In any case, I felt too vulnerable and knowing I said it makes me feel even more vulnerable.

Which makes me want to withdraw even more, like I have done many times including recently.

Alcoholism kept me away

I don’t know what else to say beyond the subject line. The past month and a half has been a bit of a heavy low for me.

From the last month until now I’ve been busy with CONTACT, a local photography festival. Visiting all (or most of them I wanted to see) the interesting exhibits. Some work was very abstract with video elements but it was a nice month to unwind. By the end of May, there was a large open house event and I managed to see a few things.

Beyond that I’ve been kind of lonely and been trying to fill my time either diverting from my thoughts and it’s rough. Every day it has been either going out with a camera or trying to be around other people and hoping I can overcome my shyness to talk to someone. Spoiler alert: I’ve been awkward, shy and weird as per everyone has told me in my life (aside from everything else). So what I do when living in a city full of bars? I starting to drink heavily…for the second time in several months.

The first time, it was light. A few drinks here and there, then I starting drinking a couple. Then after that a couple more after that. At the moment I’m at 5 drinks per sitting. It’s not good when I’m doing this twice a week. I want to stop drinking to at least maintain some sort of self-temperance. However this drinking has opened my mind to some disturbing things. At the moment I don’t feel like diving too personal about it but I’m trying to find help without spending money. First I have to get off the booze.

I use to to upload to YouTube to share my gameplay stuff and use to be active on Twitter as well. Not I’m starting to think I need time away from it. Just watch other people because I feel little to no incentive since I feel like it’s more work than to hold me down from excessively gaming. At the moment, Stardew Valley is getting a bit of play time but I’m slowly sinking back into play hours on end. My eyes use to burn because I would stare at the monitor for over 4 hours.

Photography thing is going good. A local newspaper might want to hire me for events so I’m excited. It’s a bit of work to get on board but I think it could open up for me in terms of taking photos. Portraiture is one thing I have yet to explore so there might be something new in the works if I get on with the newspaper.

I haven’t left this place yet, but I do want to come back and be grounded to something at the moment.

A Month Ago – The Break

Continues from here.

On the off time, I downloaded some apps to help my pills through the infinite sadness. I first downloaded Calm, but being poked and prodded for a premium subscription, I decided to download Pacifica. Both are depression and anxiety apps, the later more geared towards recording my mental well being daily and giving me a communal support group. At first I was hesitant about Pacifica, I can say it’s growing on me. I like the guided meditation and the interface. Though the private groups users created are hidden away but the public spaces there are very helpful. Reading about all the good things happening to people and then trying to help others, I feel so comfortable in that space.

When I was halfway through my time there, I finally decided to go home to pick up one more thing I should’ve brought with me while I was up there. My camera, how much I missed it. The next weekend I had I woke up early to catch the sunrise and went on a walking excursion.

A Month Ago – The Grind

Start from here.

It was absolutely slow knowing I’d be away for so long without my desktop. Luckily I didn’t bring a laptop, otherwise I was be stuck without internet. All I had was my phone and MP3 player to keep me company when I’m not working. Well…I did have a TV provided to me, a small plus since I could watch Star Trek Discovery and all the TV shows I usually download. I’m still one of those holdouts who pirate instead of streaming things on Netflix and the like.

I did however had the opportunity to go to Tim Horton’s or the mall to use the wi-fi there but I could never stay long enough to download something. When I did go, I would catch up with YouTube. When I wasn’t mooching, I just used my data to look things up or check Facebook and Instagram. Speaking of which, I did spend a lot of data and if you’re not from Canada, you could not feel how crippling going 8GB over your plan can be. Honestly it’s a small price to pay to stay sane.

I always had trouble sleeping when living in a new place. Even if it’s just for a couple nights in a motel. The first couple weeks I was struggling to sleep normally that after work I would just crash for a couple hours before dinner. After I had my belly filled, I would crash another couple hours in from of my TV. Waiting – waiting for the night to be morning.

A Month Ago – Here we go…

Hey everyone, kind of missed posting here. About a month ago, I was called to work and pretty much stayed there until I was done. I’ve been far away from home and now I feel settled in to tell you all the stuff that has happened since.

After reading through all the things I’ve jotted down for this lone post, I think it’s best to break it up in parts.

Sorry for teasing you. Hope the keywords don’t spoil anything.

New Writing Project (Also Online Dating, Eh?)

I think I’m going to try and write a new series of posts. I’m not sure how long it  will last but I have a good idea. Before the internet, people would write love letters and have pen pals to write back and forth. So I think I’m going to put them both together and write some love letters. Unfortunately I don’t have them address to anyone but I guess I’ll leave it to you guys and gals to read and take it as you wish. Perhaps it is time to reveal the inner workings of my personality through intimate notes. Will you be able to handle it?

I guess this is coming to a head since the past half decade has been abysmal for my social life. I’ve met people for sure but I never found someone I could really date. To that end I tried a bit of online dating, still nothing turned up to be substantial. I think it’s the age I am and the people who use dating websites. With accessibility to apps that pander style over substance, it’s tough to find someone. For the past fours years I’ve actually kept an active dating profile on Plenty Of Fish. I’ve gotten a few messages for sure but either I wasn’t right or they have lost interest in me. In a way, this is me disclosing a personal part of me so it doesn’t consume me as it did before. I rarely updated my profile but this week, I changed it from upbeat to very honest. As I wrote it a realized it’s blogging material, it maybe a bit too personal on the internet. However I do this it’s best to leave it out in the open and leave it as a way of saying “Hi, this is me. Sorry I’m not what you expected.” With that I think I should leave what I left behind.

The best to to really tell you what I want is to lay out everything to you, anonymous women of the internet. So here’s the uncut uncensored things you should know about me after you are done reading and you still find me a worthwhile pursuit, then please message me.

I do best to be stick to my own personal ethics; courage, honesty, and love. I chose these because I think they outline my personality. Honesty because I like to be truthful, I do sometimes lie but I’m never good at it. Whether it’s my skewed knowledge of the world to say it or out of curious intent, I’ll say it. Much of it is reinforced by how my life kind of turned out to me; more below. Courage because I am willing to do what is right even when everyone says it’s wrong. I put everyone else before myself, probably because I’m still discovering part of myself. I have been know to disregard my own health to help others because sometimes I feel I don’t control myself as I should like others, that shouldn’t be seen as courage but it would look that way. Lastly love since it’s fitting to everything I do and to why I’m on (and still on) PoF. I do what to do to express my joy and care to my work or to the people I know. Though I know you, doesn’t mean I love you. The way we personally respect each other really determines the devotion I would put into someone. There is no formula or equation, I rely on my instinct and past experiences tell me if I want to do something out of love.

As I’m writing this I feel hesitant to mention but I feel it’s important. I don’t want any sympathy, I just want an open ear and hopefully someone open heart and understand it all. Growing up as a kid, I lived under the middle class. My family had a home but were just making ends meet. In school, I was bullied a lot which seems to be a demographic consensus about the 90’s. I got picked on for not having all the pop culture goodies like a Game Boy, cable TV or Pokemon cards. Also I was made fun because I was slow, fat and gay. Two of those were true, I was slow and fat. I think everyone was a bit homophobic for the time. At home, I would describe living as stale. I would always walk home at school and never had the chance to go play. I would be at home doing homework and watch TV. I was never exposed to pop culture; only things I knew was Cops, The Simpsons, The X-Files and the news. Most of my childhood was stuck indoors with homework or TV or being beaten by my dad. It’s only later in my life near high school I finally got my first Game Boy and got to see more of the world through the Internet. I never had a single friend because I didn’t go out and play which I guess led me to be a bit shy and reserved in adulthood. In high school, everything just felt like my social life was set in stone. I would go to school, learn, go home, learn, sit on front of a screen and vegetate. I did have crushes throughout which helped me figure out what I was into. Without the skills to be social, I kind of smiled and kept my head down. At least by the time I hit my mid-teens, I was actually finding my music. Most of the bands I listened to then are the same now, they’re really what makes me feel a bit whole. Coming up on present day, I did have a couple relationships; both were long distance but the one I actually met her in person. Don’t ask me how a unsocial person like me manage to find them, I’m surprised but appreciative that they got to be part of my life for a brief moment. Due to working my butt off to be under average while I was young, I experienced very little as a teen and a child. I’ve been kind of taking take those years from my parents who beat and overfed me. I’ve been kind of enjoying going to toy stores, listening to music, flipping through picture books. I never went to prom, I never had sex, I never became the true romantic I realized I was when I found out I was attracted to Caucasian girls in high school. I still know I have to be an adult, but a part of me just want to at least hold onto something meaningful. Coming up to my 30’s and I have yet experienced what I truly want. I want to be loved. I want to walk down sandy beaches, watch sunsets, sit on the couch and cuddle with a bowl of popcorn and a show. I want to hold someone close to me and feel time stop as my heart races before the kiss. I want to find the one woman who is much into me as I’m into her. I don’t want multiples, just the one. It’s might be difficult but I’ve poured it all out to you.

I never get what I want but can’t hurt to put down the qualities I like for my partner whether you fit as a whole or in parts. I don’t care, you’re amazing and one day you will see how much I appreciate you for being you. Your appearance I would describe as fair skin with red, blue, green, purple, blonde, brown hair and inviting eyes. Height I like no taller than mine though Taylor Swift is gorgeous above 6′.I would prefer someone who I can carry but based off my last relationships, I do prefer curvy women as well. Physicality is only a small portion though. I like someone who I feel comfortable talking to even if we don’t agree. Someone who can tolerate my faults physically and otherwise. Affection is a must since I like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. An undaunting upbeat attitude since I do feel down sometimes, I try and force myself to be happy but it’s kind of a challenge with ADHD and depression. Someone who likes to text and be texted, I do like picking up my phone and see nice messages from you. Whether it’s a question or random thought you want to share, I like to read it. I would probably do the same in return.

I should let you know I’m not interested in one night stands, smoking weed, doing illicit drugs.

No matter when you will find me and where we will meet, know I’m thinking of you. You, the one who will find me no matter what state I’m in. I’m waiting or looking for you too.

 

Once More?

My schedule is an erratic schedule, not just the things I impose on me but my work is always a unplanned success.  At first I use to take my time to foot around what I do in real life, recently the vagueness comes naturally.

With just a week away, I’m doing my best to prepare for the unlikely chance I might put my social media things on hiatus. So this blog, my YouTube channel, my Twitter; pretty much anything not tied down physically will go dark for about a few months until I return home. I really don’t like pre-planning for things when they don’t come because it rubber bands into a lot of procrastination. In any case, I do what I must.

Which is a bummer since on my YouTube, I started a a new playthrough for Filthy Lucre. Actually it’s two concurrent ones and so far my serial editing habits are showing. I have been having trouble maintaining which video to publish since everything goes up and I see everything as a list. Also I built two playlists; one being just a straight playthrough, the other is a bit of a challenge to complete all the objectives per missions. I even started playing with audio tracks and stuff during editing, I’m pretty impressed of what a free program can do now.

As for the photography things, I’m still trying to check out the rest of the festival with just under a week before I depart. So far I’ve seen a lot just from taking a stroll around town but I still want to check off what I have on the itinerary I’ve set aside for myself. I’m still picking up my camera. I recently swapped in for a different lens and forcing myself to learn to take photos with a prime lens. Definitely a challenge since it’s a fixed length, but I’ve found what my little ditty can do. I also came around and completed the trifecta of lenses I want for my DSLR, all I need is a gear bag and a a tall tripod. Well, I can just use the tripod but I’m out of space to keep everything clean. I’ve put a lot into this new hobby and yet I have so much to do. I still want to learn to play my decade old used guitar, I want to be able to play more airsoft which my stuff is collecting dust. Maybe this summer I can knock down the whole guitar thing, that’s going to be a loud month either an electric guitar.

For now and until next time, I have to get back to writing next week’s post in case I leave this place.

Fallen Plans

As the summer starts, I’m starting to think all the plans I’ve set a couple months are starting to fall through. Right now I’m sort of scrambling with finding something to keep myself occupied with for the next a few months. Unlike last year, I think the internet will benefit from this scrambling.

I was hoping I was going to work for the entire summer. I’ve been in contact with my employer and it seems they don’t know what to do with me or I got it easy (or difficult, depending how you look at it). Now a week into June, I’m making some expensive plans for my YouTube channel and perhaps my new camera. I had everything planned; I was going to end my Life is Strange playthrough and start a summer hiatus, then I would spend the remaining days before I was slated to work to take up a hobby and go to the gym a bit more. At the moment, it seems the hobby and gym might be the largest component in my entire life until I have something to do. I might even seek employment all summer; if there is an employer who will hire me in short notice.

Short term futures right now, I have purchased a new game on Steam. It was on sale called Call To Arms, it appears to be a modern warfare RTS game I might be recording . Along with recording a new game, I’m jumping back into Insurgency and Borderlands 2. For Borderlands 2, I purchased the Collector’s Edition so I have a few DLC packs I can record. Insurgency received an achievement and map update so I’ve decided to record a bunch of compilation of some of these achievements as well as maps I’ve may or may not have played in the past. That should cover a month or so of content online. As for personal content, I will have to really coerce myself to the gym and spend the soon-to-be sunny summer days outside snapping photos and hopefully get into a bit of trouble. I promise I won’t end up in jail or on the evening news, haha!

This is all I have for now for updates and progress. Hopefully I have something to show next week.

Summer Plans

Though my entire summer has been occupied with work, I still have a month and  half to go before fall. As I am writing this in early June, I think I will be out of contact for the time being when this is published. In any case, I have already planned a few things out for the summer.

With warm weather, I want to continue to be more active. Much like last year, I think I will have a lot of time swimming this year. I find swimming laps to be a bit calming. However, I would like to still go to the gym as usual. I want to definitely take in some sights around the city when I can get it. I’m not the most culturally sound person, but there are probably some events and festivals going around the city I could check out. Anything food related would be kind of cool; I’m not much of a music culture person, I like my own little world of my teenage musical machinations. In April (or what it March?), I bought my first airsoft gun. As of June, I have not used said gun. To remedy, I think I am going to look up local fields or other players who would like to take me under their wing and show my the ropes fo the sport

When I return from my hiatus from the Internet, I am definitely wanting to play more video games. On my YouTube channel, I think I want to buy a Steam card and start a new game. In recent history, I have been playing Cities: Skylines and a bit of Trove before I left in June. Who knows what games I will buy at the moment, I want to play an RPG or an FPS. I have considered replaying Fallout New Vegas and even playing the entirety of Skyrim. At the moment, I’ll decide once I have time to record again.

Until next time, I’m still away and hopefully I get to hear from you all soon.