No surprise I’ve been updating this blog more infrequently. Not to dull you with all the goings on with my life. At the same time, I’ve come a long way from being absolutely professional here to being just me.
It’s another year living on this earth though. I did all I can do before work summoned me for the weekend. I went out and got myself a couple presents, sounds pathetic but I thought I would make the week special. So I got myself a bit more money for Steam, Life Is Strange 2 hopefully by Christmas.
Then after the end of the weekend, I had an opportunity to meet a lovely young woman. No surprise my life has been a bit empty, been kind of seeking companionship outside the regular places I meet people. Perhaps a bit more, the troubling part is I’m just too different or weird (or awkward) for most women. Nonetheless keep trying until someone just as like minded as me comes along. The best to hope for is soon. Though it was nice to meet someone and talk a bit ourselves on an autumn afternoon. At least now I feel I don’t have to hide this part of my life especially it’s a dull and uneventful one. Admittance is part of acceptance (I guess).
On the upside, I have now repaired my Canon T6i. Though according to the invoice it was just a clean. Clean no doubt but I regret not buying a new T6i since after all I paid for was just as justified for a new one. Perhaps even a used one with more of the equipment like a charger. Police auction is not the best way to acquired used goods. I have to get out and shoot and experiment with this camera though beside from that one time I took it to a bar with live music.
As I write this, there is a part of my heart feels empty. I just to press myself into activity and hope I find what I’m looking for, just take the shots I need and hopefully one will be that beautiful moment. For now, I just feel slow and bogged down.
The other day after I spent my time taking photos around the city, I decided to hop on a streetcar. Usually people don’t chat with the driver because their focus should be the road. However looking at the face of the driver, I felt this guy needed a change of pace. So what did we talk about?
Aside from photography which he was more versed than I would ever be with techniques principles and hardware, we got into talking traffic in the city. We swapped stories as vehicle operators and pedestrians, agreeing and disagreeing on a bunch of topics. The entitled cyclist and racing bikes and cars sprinting through the roads. Hearing from him, he mentioned he wants more warning especially for pedestrian crossing. However I quipped about the confusion about pedestrian crossings.
Here we have a countdown timer for pedestrians. As simplistic it sounds, the countdown was originally meant for the vehicle committing a right turn and to tell pedestrians to stop. Whoever planned and engineered these signs made it look like the lighting system makes you think you have a certain time to cross. I said to him the only way to stop pedestrians from dashing across is if all signs just told everyone to stop. A red light for cars and a solid hand for pedestrians. In lieu of a countdown, just a hidden timer until the next green light.
Sometimes a good idea just involves talking to people who have to live through those mistakes.
The city here is filled with literal and figurative signs of actions upon the infrastructure. Senior zones that cover just 2 city blocks, defunct or aging neighbour watch, unenforced school calming zones on 6 lane thoroughfares; there is no consistent idea what the city wants but works on the whims of those affected by them. In a chaotic system like traffic infrastructure, I would side with anyone who builds a logical and intuitive system of signage.
Well, add more account I have to maintain. For now anyways.
This year has been the year where people keep asking me “When are you going to get Instagram?” Haunted, I might as well do it and give it a shot. Then if anyone starts copying my content, I might just delete it and let it be.
I’ve held off getting an account because I have an invested interested in my talents. I like my work but I don’t want to work in an contractual confines that would stop me from developing. In this case I would have create photos on a smaller scale, closer to cell phone screen size when I have over 3000 pixels to work with. On a screen like an iPhone, details aren’t distinct and broad shapes and colours are the only thing that captivates. Until 500px which I’ve done well for myself, I liked to create confines to challenge. An example is choosing 7 photos a week for the 500px website. It doesn’t feel like it’s a popularity contest where the best looking or the best trend wins the day. Thus why I feel Snapchat and Instagram feel more like social media platforms than a pedestal to put my work out there. Everything is temporary unless it’s exhilarating to the mass body. For me, it’s no different than Twitter besides being a visually centred social media platform.
Also it’s an entirely mobile platform! As a camera user, I can’t do anything about that besides taking photos of photos. Of course, there’s a round about way in Chrome to use it on PC. However I can’t upload from my PC but I can view. Really discourages anyone but a cellphone to use a platform like that.
Artistically when you want to make money, you have to sell something about you to really open it up to the world. This isn’t something I approve but I am trying to build my amateur skill to a professional level.
Even if putting @nawkcire on Instagram and saying it’s moving forward.
I’m starting to see why people dislike radio nowadays. I don’t think the internet is the problem.
Locally according to my new MP3 player, a SanDisk Clip Sport, I have about 20 stations playing music. Not just pop music but a bit of a cultural mix aside from the occasional talk shows. However most of the stations do play top 40’s from the present or yesteryear. Which is the realization, I remember back in the day there were hardly any new top 40’s. Now it seems like there’s a hit every few months or so.
Back in the day for you to discover new music, you had to listen to the radio or from background music at a store. Then you would just have to buy the CD or a cassette (if you’re as old as me). Different to now, where you can discover music through an endless stream. Then you just buy the single or the album – digitally. In a way, radio is playing catch up and playing more of sports recap of all the best music that has graced people’s ear. Then depending on your country, they have to abide with censorship laws. So songs with profanity are edited for radio or it won’t be played. It’s unfortunate because some songs are great with the profanity. There is an upside to this.
Most of the tunes chosen by the DJ are usually great to listen most of the time. Though in the recent trends, the new urban hip-hop and R&B is kind of producing lacklustre songs. Catchy yes, but you can get sick of it so quick.
With all it’s flaws, I don’t think radio would go away. In it’s limited way, it’s an amazing free way to listen to some good music. Even as diluted as it is, you can always have chance to discover a new song. Here, we have an indie station and usually it’s hit or miss because it’s all music I’ve never heard of but that’s a classic trait about radio.
I’ll still listen to the airwaves but I’ll be station surfing.
Last week, I’ve wrote about what goes on in my head when I’m depressed. Depression is also one of the comorbidities with ADHD, just one more thing to make mental health even more complicated. The mind is just a wonderful and immensely messy medium.
In some ways mental health is both a good and bad topic. It’s not just identifying disorders and disabilities but to really give someone closure and inclusion to their problems. It gives everyone the “now I know what to do” strength and the “I am not alone” peace. Rest in peace my doctor who gave me 5+ years of service, he helped me identify who I am mentally. I came in as a sad young adult and over time I’ve came to accept it. A lot has come in terms of researching mental health ever since I self-identified. However there is much more to do to find cures rather than fix symptoms.
Like in my last post, I want to those who identify as “normal” and without any mental illness to really understand the world I live in. Also give context for others to really relate back to how I am or what I feel.
So what does having ADHD feel like? ADHD is…
- Going out always involves doing something random. The Big Bang Theory has a neat sketch to illustrate this. Take a dice and put all the options on each side and roll it for every decision (no matter how menial).
- Fidgeting. Uncontrollably. Try not tapping your bouncing a part of your body.
- When you get to your favourite place and not be hungry.
- When you get to the tacos place, “I want dim sum.” A Chinese restaurant later, “I want a burger.”
- Anything shiny or colourful off the corner of your eye will result in turning of a head.
- My brain persuades me to sleep.
- Going to kid stores. As an adult. And you don’t have a child.
- The girl across from you is gorgeous and should go say hi but your burger is delicious.
- Reading a novel. After 1 hour, you find yourself finishing the first paragraph and spent the last hour on YouTube.
- Hopping on YouTube at 9 PM and going to bed at 5 AM.
- 4PM is your morning.
- “You come off as strong” is a universal phrase when dating.
- Being sick of taking your medication but you can’t risk having any “negative” symptoms. Can’t be sad or impulsive or anything that may be seen as abnormal.
I might have put this lightly but this is my insight to what I have, I’ve seen others demonstrate the same symptoms and are definitely ADHD but choose not to do anything. Even then, these people can sometimes point the finger right back and call you crazy. Mental health as a whole is a large pool of undiscovered solutions. In a way, mental health is like a frozen lake. Staring past the ice sheet you see the darkness. For me, I’m the darkness staring up to the beautiful sky.
For those who never had that friend or has (and hopefully) never encountered depression. I personally have been up and down, now I want to give you some idea how it is to live with it.
People ask “How are you?” but never gain the curiosity to ask “What is it like?” If you have ever been afraid to ask here’s how I can say about it. Depression is…
- waking up and feeling like the world just doesn’t like you. Activity exercise to really put you in the mind set, you know how people tell you to say good things out loud to yourself in the mirror? Do the opposite.
- when someone attractive looks at you, you just feel too ugly for that person. The “you’re gorgeous but I know I’m never going to be good enough for you” attitude instantly sinks in.
- being exhausted. Constantly. You get up after a full night’s sleep, tired. Brushing your teeth, tired. Sitting in class, tired.
- hearing “good job” from someone but internally you hear “you aren’t good enough and this is just a passive aggressive way to let you know you’re worthless and anyone can do a better job than you”.
- constantly fighting the inner voice. The negative things just pushing you back into bed and forcing you to hide everything from everyone.
- weakness, the feeling and afraid of people knowing it. You do everything even if it hurts to seek approval because of #4.
- when you reflect on your achievements but you realize it’s nothing compared to other people’s achievements.
- thinking about what is best described as “Call of the Void”. Fascination of suicide to think about how to harm yourself or others. Though I would like to add perhaps the thoughts of what lies beyond your own death.
- self deprecating every interaction. Luckily I’m shy so I can suppress those comments but I occasionally let one slip.
- making a list and throwing it away. Nothing achieved for a non-achiever like yourself.
- after hurting, you poke where it hurts just a feel the the pain a bit.
- the manifestation of all your parents shame for you. Try doing the simplest things and having a nagging voice whispering you can’t do it.
- loneliness. Being trapped inside and hearing the world but the world cannot hear you.
It’s the best I can put it. But I hope it makes you think about the mind of someone depressed and maybe ways to help someone suffering. And those suffering, know you’re not alone.
I’m terrible at keeping this thing updated. I’ve been kind of just going on my own thing and I was planning a week long trip. Unfortunately all best plans fall short, especially with me.
With the recent ongoing crisis in my city, I feel like the aftermath brings so much hate and ignorance. Three months, a van attack with 16 injured. A shooting involving two children. Another that killed two downtown. Now 13 injured and 2 dead with the shooter slain. To each, a reason why. To each, a victim undeserved.
Watching the news about the recent incident causing mass bodily harm, I realize not just the victims can be anyone. The man with the handgun, 29, mental health in question, deceased.
We all make choices in life, acting mostly to the obvious and some the obviously easy way out. Of all the things I try to spearhead, mental health is the strongest issue I try to push onto others to learn. Since ever I identified my own demons, I was given another option. With everything I’ve learned in my short life, there’s always another way to fix all your problems – a peaceful and mindful fix.
For me, I do my best to help others and capture the intricate moments with my camera. I always felt like an outsider and tried to be in. But I’ve accepted who I am and now I’m just working on being comfortable with myself.
As much as anyone can be a victim, anyone can be their own bad guy. However a good human being is the power within knowledge and understanding the world around you.