nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: thoughts

Rediscovering Me…Yet Again

As of writing this post, I’ve found my musical centre after listening to a lot of pop music. There is something about pop music that keeps me numb. Numb from joy and making things feel a bit upbeat, even when things are the contrary. Ever since I discovered music in my early teens, there has always been a part of me that jams with punk and emo music. Yeah, I’m admitting I’m a bit of an emo kid at heart. As an adult, I got nothing to hide from it. Kids are so immature at something they don’t understand and I’ve been on both sides who were and did ridicule.

The first time I ever hear punk music was Fall Out Boy, they were in the middle of their third or fourth album. I think it’s the second time they released Grand Theft Autumn. That was the song that hooked me into punk. From there I found Paramore and later on All American Rejects during their early wading into pop culture. I did find other bands, but they never stuck like those (and a few others). It was indeed something spiritual in terms of the music of the 2000’s, something happened and it was never replicated after. Any 20-something would agree that decade was great for music.

As much as I want to dig this decade’s music. It’s either too loud without a rhythm or it’s too fast which doesn’t have much of a soulful feel too it. Is it just me or just everyone’s taste in music has kind of dropped into a hip-hip and pop derivative. Nothing wrong but I’m kind of bored of the synthesizer and I want the bands with the guitars and drums (maybe a piano) with some actual vocals.

There’s always music in the world, but the music you want to hear is either before your time or hasn’t been yet. Much like life, it’s best experienced before we can make a choice. I’ve made mine. Definitely a bit of the mid-2000’s punk/emo era still lives inside me. Even when passed, I still find that music has transcended beyond to reach me.

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Some Time

I’ve been kind of out of it. Been busy working this weekend, I’m stuck inside while I’m sick. All I can do is sit at home and play video games and pass out. I have been massively fatigued once I wake up, almost sleep has no effect on me.

The most difficult part I’ve learned is getting sick really sucks. I’ve had to trade in work for bed rest and I’m losing by the day. However in the past week while I am sick, I did get a few things done. My camera has seen some uses, but been playing a huge amount of video games though. Not much for recording but I have been just absorbed into looking at sales and not stressing about anything.

I’m not quite sure what my next throwaway hobby is, but I feel like I should start exploring for another.

 

And….burnt

Well, I tried writing those fictional letters for about 9 weeks. I must admit I’m a bit burnt out. On the bright side looking back, I think I haven’t lost my touch in creative writing.

I’m going back to writing as per usual, blogging my own life is preferable than a fake one (No matter I wish it was real.) Since I started it, I’ve been heavily busy with a second job. Surprisingly both jobs are fairly steady but I have trouble to find free time since I get really fatigued after a day of work.

Looking ahead, I’m trying to start a small business. I’ll let you know how it turns out. At the moment, I want to pay off all the money I put into buying my DSLR and it may or may not succeed the way I would like it. At least I could have the potential to make back all the money I’ve lost.

New Writing Project (Also Online Dating, Eh?)

I think I’m going to try and write a new series of posts. I’m not sure how long it  will last but I have a good idea. Before the internet, people would write love letters and have pen pals to write back and forth. So I think I’m going to put them both together and write some love letters. Unfortunately I don’t have them address to anyone but I guess I’ll leave it to you guys and gals to read and take it as you wish. Perhaps it is time to reveal the inner workings of my personality through intimate notes. Will you be able to handle it?

I guess this is coming to a head since the past half decade has been abysmal for my social life. I’ve met people for sure but I never found someone I could really date. To that end I tried a bit of online dating, still nothing turned up to be substantial. I think it’s the age I am and the people who use dating websites. With accessibility to apps that pander style over substance, it’s tough to find someone. For the past fours years I’ve actually kept an active dating profile on Plenty Of Fish. I’ve gotten a few messages for sure but either I wasn’t right or they have lost interest in me. In a way, this is me disclosing a personal part of me so it doesn’t consume me as it did before. I rarely updated my profile but this week, I changed it from upbeat to very honest. As I wrote it a realized it’s blogging material, it maybe a bit too personal on the internet. However I do this it’s best to leave it out in the open and leave it as a way of saying “Hi, this is me. Sorry I’m not what you expected.” With that I think I should leave what I left behind.

The best to to really tell you what I want is to lay out everything to you, anonymous women of the internet. So here’s the uncut uncensored things you should know about me after you are done reading and you still find me a worthwhile pursuit, then please message me.

I do best to be stick to my own personal ethics; courage, honesty, and love. I chose these because I think they outline my personality. Honesty because I like to be truthful, I do sometimes lie but I’m never good at it. Whether it’s my skewed knowledge of the world to say it or out of curious intent, I’ll say it. Much of it is reinforced by how my life kind of turned out to me; more below. Courage because I am willing to do what is right even when everyone says it’s wrong. I put everyone else before myself, probably because I’m still discovering part of myself. I have been know to disregard my own health to help others because sometimes I feel I don’t control myself as I should like others, that shouldn’t be seen as courage but it would look that way. Lastly love since it’s fitting to everything I do and to why I’m on (and still on) PoF. I do what to do to express my joy and care to my work or to the people I know. Though I know you, doesn’t mean I love you. The way we personally respect each other really determines the devotion I would put into someone. There is no formula or equation, I rely on my instinct and past experiences tell me if I want to do something out of love.

As I’m writing this I feel hesitant to mention but I feel it’s important. I don’t want any sympathy, I just want an open ear and hopefully someone open heart and understand it all. Growing up as a kid, I lived under the middle class. My family had a home but were just making ends meet. In school, I was bullied a lot which seems to be a demographic consensus about the 90’s. I got picked on for not having all the pop culture goodies like a Game Boy, cable TV or Pokemon cards. Also I was made fun because I was slow, fat and gay. Two of those were true, I was slow and fat. I think everyone was a bit homophobic for the time. At home, I would describe living as stale. I would always walk home at school and never had the chance to go play. I would be at home doing homework and watch TV. I was never exposed to pop culture; only things I knew was Cops, The Simpsons, The X-Files and the news. Most of my childhood was stuck indoors with homework or TV or being beaten by my dad. It’s only later in my life near high school I finally got my first Game Boy and got to see more of the world through the Internet. I never had a single friend because I didn’t go out and play which I guess led me to be a bit shy and reserved in adulthood. In high school, everything just felt like my social life was set in stone. I would go to school, learn, go home, learn, sit on front of a screen and vegetate. I did have crushes throughout which helped me figure out what I was into. Without the skills to be social, I kind of smiled and kept my head down. At least by the time I hit my mid-teens, I was actually finding my music. Most of the bands I listened to then are the same now, they’re really what makes me feel a bit whole. Coming up on present day, I did have a couple relationships; both were long distance but the one I actually met her in person. Don’t ask me how a unsocial person like me manage to find them, I’m surprised but appreciative that they got to be part of my life for a brief moment. Due to working my butt off to be under average while I was young, I experienced very little as a teen and a child. I’ve been kind of taking take those years from my parents who beat and overfed me. I’ve been kind of enjoying going to toy stores, listening to music, flipping through picture books. I never went to prom, I never had sex, I never became the true romantic I realized I was when I found out I was attracted to Caucasian girls in high school. I still know I have to be an adult, but a part of me just want to at least hold onto something meaningful. Coming up to my 30’s and I have yet experienced what I truly want. I want to be loved. I want to walk down sandy beaches, watch sunsets, sit on the couch and cuddle with a bowl of popcorn and a show. I want to hold someone close to me and feel time stop as my heart races before the kiss. I want to find the one woman who is much into me as I’m into her. I don’t want multiples, just the one. It’s might be difficult but I’ve poured it all out to you.

I never get what I want but can’t hurt to put down the qualities I like for my partner whether you fit as a whole or in parts. I don’t care, you’re amazing and one day you will see how much I appreciate you for being you. Your appearance I would describe as fair skin with red, blue, green, purple, blonde, brown hair and inviting eyes. Height I like no taller than mine though Taylor Swift is gorgeous above 6′.I would prefer someone who I can carry but based off my last relationships, I do prefer curvy women as well. Physicality is only a small portion though. I like someone who I feel comfortable talking to even if we don’t agree. Someone who can tolerate my faults physically and otherwise. Affection is a must since I like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. An undaunting upbeat attitude since I do feel down sometimes, I try and force myself to be happy but it’s kind of a challenge with ADHD and depression. Someone who likes to text and be texted, I do like picking up my phone and see nice messages from you. Whether it’s a question or random thought you want to share, I like to read it. I would probably do the same in return.

I should let you know I’m not interested in one night stands, smoking weed, doing illicit drugs.

No matter when you will find me and where we will meet, know I’m thinking of you. You, the one who will find me no matter what state I’m in. I’m waiting or looking for you too.

 

Things Don’t Change…Do They?

I’m finally home. I’m tired since I finished but I want to curl up in a ball and let my body just go into a slump again.

Now I’m back,  I realize things can get much worse in a short amount of time. Working with short turn around times and under stress, I’ve learned a few things about myself that will always remain true. Firstly being grace under pressure; I might have it, then again sometimes I don’t. Really hard to explain it but when I’m given something to do and I know I can do it, I’ll get it done whether it is in an hour or in 15 minutes. As much as I can complete with calm and focus, I do panic and when I panic I can really make mistakes. Whether my scars and bruises prove this or not, I zone in so much that sometimes pain feels secondary. I feel it but it hurts more after the fact. After the fact, I’m still hurting and sore. I have a lot of dirty laundry to clean.

I’m finally here, home. No more weekend breaks to sleep in my room. Just a week before I get back to my normal working schedule which places my the amount of summer I have left to about under week. I’m planning to do as much as I can before this little break is over. Starting with uploading to my YouTube channel again, I miss playing games and sharing it. I never wanted to build on the channel it’s something on the side to keep me off the internet. I’ve said this many times before and I’ll keep telling myself this until I can fully stop. The weekends I did have, I’ve impulse buy binge. First it started with a Steam card. From there it was mostly alcohol and stuff I wouldn’t buy if I had my normal wages. In it all, I bought a new lens for my camera and a tripod. Definitely before the summer ends, I want to use both of them.

With them, I think I should do some travelling with both my tripod and camera. I want to take photos and scenes of places beyond my home. This summer, I took some incredible photos but I still want to take more before it’s done. Oh, I want see some movies. Even when alone, I want to at least have some fun with myself.

If I can’t have fun alone, who will I share this life? Underneath, I’m still the same person. Still reaching out and hoping in the dark, I feel a warm hand holding mine. Some things still don’t change. Or do they?

 

Almost

For some context, I wrote this around 11 in the evening. Even though I’m home, it’s a small respite from work. This long ordeal is almost done. I can get back to my life uploading and doing photography things very shortly. It’s been so long, I miss playing video games in a meaningful way. When I come home right now, it’s just to get my weekly fill. Almost like an addiction, perhaps it is and I’m deceiving myself. My mood has been the only outlet for the truth.

I just feel more and more tired, not in a physical manner but emotionally. Recently I’ve been focusing on breathing techniques to get through the day but it gets harder and harder. To make matters worse, I’m running out of my medication with little to no time to refill a prescription.What I have not is just partially effective. I noticed I would be in a good mood and sometime midday my mood would change into a dark polar opposite. Compounding to all this, I’m having thoughts again. Those deep dark thoughts I thought I have pushed away. They’re still here, tucked under the drugs and cognitive therapy. With all the stuff hanging over me, I’ve turned into a bit of an alcoholic. I wish I didn’t have to be, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel more comfortable without curling into a ball and shutting the world out.

Perhaps when I get back to keeping busy with hobbies, I’ll feel better. All this time, I miss watching all the YouTube I want. The videos from the users I’ve subscribed to will take a couple weeks of binge watching to complete and I don’t know what’s going on in Star Trek Online, but I would like to see what’s new. I probably missed some new stuff and the summer event. I’m sitting here watching my old life pass by me – weird feeling to observer your habits as a third person.

Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps I’m sleepy. I’m almost home.

 

Keeping It Together

The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. I haven’t been able to be in a peachy mood for awhile and I’m starting to feel the mood that can only be described as “The Infinite Sadness”.

Being away from home has taken a toll on me since I’ve done nothing but become a workoholic. Spending everyday tiring myself out and repeating; however the work varies but it’s the same principle, work then sleep. With that, I’ve missed a few meals here and there. I’ve been down this road before and it’s kind of how I noticed I’m not doing too good, the lack of food and the need to drink. While we’re on the subject of drinking, I do drink alcohol. I’m an adult, I know when to stop. Recently I’ve been spiralling into madness with it, I’ve been drinking heavily and alone. Likely not the two best signs of a cheery chap.

After coming home last week for a short break from work, all I did was sit and sleep. Also video games; mindless video game violence. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I use to; still shower and maintain my own personal hygiene but outside of that, I haven’t done much. Still taking my medication but I think the stress has outpaced the medication. Which is surprising if it is since I trust the medication to last me through the day. I did notice the effects slowly wearing off. Started with a midday slump right after lunch, then it was like an old car engine sputtering to a crawl. Then, there was nothing. No second wind. No miracle recovery. Just the driver in his broken down car.

I still have a couple weeks left on my medication. I could get it refilled, worth a shot though I live 200km away from my pharmacist at the moment and it might be a bother to get a month’s worth for just two more weeks.

Maybe just hold out, just a bit longer. Then hope things will get better.

Opportunities

It really sucks to be away from home. Having only a couple days without work, I have to really pick and choose what I want to do.

At the moment I have all my projects on hold, aside from my blog everything is on hold. Still blogging is tough when I have trying to allocating a few hours to push something out of my head onto a blank webpage. Sometimes I would get an incredible idea then it would disappear as I get to my computer to put it down.

Before I left I had a few around to do on the weekday. With a lens being cleaned and I can only be returned on the weekend, I’m forced to learn how a prime lens can be fun to use. So far, it’s interesting but I haven’t seen the photos I’ve until I check my card. This weekend, I guess I’ll try and take some photos. Perhaps give the new tripod a try.

I’m out of opportunities to personally improve myself but working on my life. Well hopefully what I’m doing works out. We’ll just have to see.

This is not for me.

This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.

Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry.  But where was I?

I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.

How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.

Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.

Why can’t I be me?

Fading.

I came home after just a few weeks away. Coming home to the city is feels weird. I’ve been away from home many times before, but this time it feels different.

As I drop my bag off in my room, the years I’ve spent here feel so alien. It is like coming to live in a stranger. Turning on my computer, typing; it feels like I’ve have never done this. When I came home, I tried to do some day to day things I did weeks ago. I went out for a movie and have dinner. When I went out alone, I felt abandoned. Felt like I was alone in a new city, much like any traveller has passed through my town. Going through my old haunts, I felt like the world is a bit different. Felt like I didn’t belong in this mall or this restaurant feels out of place. I sat and noshed as I looked on and saw people on a Friday night, curling up with their loved ones as I sat alone.

Coming home has given me insight on the person I am. I’m an odd person however it is what I am. The shy and rooted explorer or the closeted down to earth nomad. Perhaps all this time, I’ll step out of my shell after all this work gets completed.

We’ll see.