nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: thoughts

Almost

For some context, I wrote this around 11 in the evening. Even though I’m home, it’s a small respite from work. This long ordeal is almost done. I can get back to my life uploading and doing photography things very shortly. It’s been so long, I miss playing video games in a meaningful way. When I come home right now, it’s just to get my weekly fill. Almost like an addiction, perhaps it is and I’m deceiving myself. My mood has been the only outlet for the truth.

I just feel more and more tired, not in a physical manner but emotionally. Recently I’ve been focusing on breathing techniques to get through the day but it gets harder and harder. To make matters worse, I’m running out of my medication with little to no time to refill a prescription.What I have not is just partially effective. I noticed I would be in a good mood and sometime midday my mood would change into a dark polar opposite. Compounding to all this, I’m having thoughts again. Those deep dark thoughts I thought I have pushed away. They’re still here, tucked under the drugs and cognitive therapy. With all the stuff hanging over me, I’ve turned into a bit of an alcoholic. I wish I didn’t have to be, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel more comfortable without curling into a ball and shutting the world out.

Perhaps when I get back to keeping busy with hobbies, I’ll feel better. All this time, I miss watching all the YouTube I want. The videos from the users I’ve subscribed to will take a couple weeks of binge watching to complete and I don’t know what’s going on in Star Trek Online, but I would like to see what’s new. I probably missed some new stuff and the summer event. I’m sitting here watching my old life pass by me – weird feeling to observer your habits as a third person.

Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps I’m sleepy. I’m almost home.

 

Keeping It Together

The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. I haven’t been able to be in a peachy mood for awhile and I’m starting to feel the mood that can only be described as “The Infinite Sadness”.

Being away from home has taken a toll on me since I’ve done nothing but become a workoholic. Spending everyday tiring myself out and repeating; however the work varies but it’s the same principle, work then sleep. With that, I’ve missed a few meals here and there. I’ve been down this road before and it’s kind of how I noticed I’m not doing too good, the lack of food and the need to drink. While we’re on the subject of drinking, I do drink alcohol. I’m an adult, I know when to stop. Recently I’ve been spiralling into madness with it, I’ve been drinking heavily and alone. Likely not the two best signs of a cheery chap.

After coming home last week for a short break from work, all I did was sit and sleep. Also video games; mindless video game violence. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I use to; still shower and maintain my own personal hygiene but outside of that, I haven’t done much. Still taking my medication but I think the stress has outpaced the medication. Which is surprising if it is since I trust the medication to last me through the day. I did notice the effects slowly wearing off. Started with a midday slump right after lunch, then it was like an old car engine sputtering to a crawl. Then, there was nothing. No second wind. No miracle recovery. Just the driver in his broken down car.

I still have a couple weeks left on my medication. I could get it refilled, worth a shot though I live 200km away from my pharmacist at the moment and it might be a bother to get a month’s worth for just two more weeks.

Maybe just hold out, just a bit longer. Then hope things will get better.

Opportunities

It really sucks to be away from home. Having only a couple days without work, I have to really pick and choose what I want to do.

At the moment I have all my projects on hold, aside from my blog everything is on hold. Still blogging is tough when I have trying to allocating a few hours to push something out of my head onto a blank webpage. Sometimes I would get an incredible idea then it would disappear as I get to my computer to put it down.

Before I left I had a few around to do on the weekday. With a lens being cleaned and I can only be returned on the weekend, I’m forced to learn how a prime lens can be fun to use. So far, it’s interesting but I haven’t seen the photos I’ve until I check my card. This weekend, I guess I’ll try and take some photos. Perhaps give the new tripod a try.

I’m out of opportunities to personally improve myself but working on my life. Well hopefully what I’m doing works out. We’ll just have to see.

This is not for me.

This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.

Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry.  But where was I?

I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.

How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.

Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.

Why can’t I be me?

Fading.

I came home after just a few weeks away. Coming home to the city is feels weird. I’ve been away from home many times before, but this time it feels different.

As I drop my bag off in my room, the years I’ve spent here feel so alien. It is like coming to live in a stranger. Turning on my computer, typing; it feels like I’ve have never done this. When I came home, I tried to do some day to day things I did weeks ago. I went out for a movie and have dinner. When I went out alone, I felt abandoned. Felt like I was alone in a new city, much like any traveller has passed through my town. Going through my old haunts, I felt like the world is a bit different. Felt like I didn’t belong in this mall or this restaurant feels out of place. I sat and noshed as I looked on and saw people on a Friday night, curling up with their loved ones as I sat alone.

Coming home has given me insight on the person I am. I’m an odd person however it is what I am. The shy and rooted explorer or the closeted down to earth nomad. Perhaps all this time, I’ll step out of my shell after all this work gets completed.

We’ll see.

Inspiration from Others

This past weekend, I’m starting to participate in some local festivals. Of course a good way to start is a photography festival. And this past weekend I had the opportunity to see a couple things for the day.

Went to a seminar about self publishing hosted by a few mildly successful artists. It’s given an general idea of what it takes to really put my own work out there. Which explains why small runs of books and zines are popular unless it’s funded before publication.

After an hour long seminar about printed matters, I took a stroll to the closest gallery for a peak at some photographers using Fujifilm Instax. The product is very nostalgic to the old Polaroid film. Yet the colours still remain so vibrant and detailed . Though the small format of the Instax film makes it feel very compact to really observe any detail. So I guess it’s worth it for landscapes or portraits in bright light or with the built in flash.

The plan for the upcoming week is to check out more exhibitions and galleries until this festival is over. This is a great event I managed to stumble upon. I can’t wait to discover more.

False Positive Reinforcement

I realized more recently that positive reinforcement doesn’t necessarily work for me. In this day in age, everyone is trying to see the better of things. Even then, the tiny voice in my head wouldn’t let me accept other people’s positive attitude especially if it’s directed at me.

I’m questioning a lot about myself recently. I’m not uncertain, but I feel like a kid breaking open the toaster and wondering how it all makes toast. How did my life so far created this burnt mess? I feel like I’m asking all the questions and I’m not solving anything. I guess it’s that empty part of me I’m still looking for, those answers to questions I should be asking.

A simple “good job” or “well done” triggers the inner pessimist. I don’t think I’m ever doing good or have done well to be congratulated. I just do. In a way it self-establishes I don’t have skills, yet I do. I have a talent to be talentless. I look at myself and see someone who has not achieved anything with age and wisdom. I look around me and I see a bunch of people who have at least an accolade they can be proud of, yet I’m here with a few people thinking I am worth something. Inside, I feel I don’t necessarily deserve it.

Perhaps a life time of negative reinforcement is catching up. Perhaps what I see in positive reinforcement will never come because it’s just how I grew up.

People are terrible.

Before I say anything, I’m going to say this. I’m a lurker at Imgur. I’ve never made an account on there but I like to browse through some of the content over there. Sometimes it keep things light hearted and some things I see there can make you feel passionate about things. As a hobbyist photographer and I don’t know why, I saw this and my jimmies were rustled.

For those who like to play it safe, let me tell you what you will see in that link. It’s a long list of pictures of people taking photos, seems innocent. However each image has those people abusing the environment. You would see a person standing atop a ledge, one harassing a large bird, and a person shaking a cherry blossom. Then the last one which had me wound up; a man wielding a camera taking a close up of a bird which looks like it’s being choked.

I was shocked and I’m happy I haven’t seen people do that yet. However the reminders are there when taking a photo, never jeopardize your safety and never harm your surroundings. Some people don’t necessarily think of their safety until it happens to them. It’s one thing to stand high and tall to get that majestic shot but once you lose an arm and a leg, not having a good picture is the least of your problems. After seeing the gallery I decided to see if there was a list of selfie deaths. Surprisingly, there is a list! Even worse is the list a long. A lot of folks doing, not much thinking. And I thought I was a bit impulsive.

Then there is the wildlife cruelty, I just hope there is a special dark place for people like that. Whether it’s animal or plant, I do think as a photographer I should be observing and not influencing. There is something about studio photography where you are capturing a subject but when you’re in the big wide world, you are just there to take what may come. If you’re using the world as your backdrop, then you should be responsible to minimize your impact to the environment. Don’t tread on a flower garden or shake a tree because it suits you.

Anyways, I will be doing a bit more photography as the days grow longer and sunnier.

Rough Routine

It’s been a busy weekend to say the least, been trying to keep the days busy so I don’t fall back to where I was a couple weeks ago. Knowing my body and mind and fall apart like that worries me. Suffering from a panic attack really opened my eyes to the oddity that is the human mind and body. Best for me to keep busy and keep my mind away from all those weird thoughts I use to have.

What the plan and routine now is to push myself into doing more gameplay recording for my YouTube channel. Forcing myself to get back on the weekly posting schedule on this WordPress blog is a good course, wouldn’t want to abandon this (or abandon you). I might do a bit more in real life as well, weather is getting better to do more photography stuff. Depending how work looks for the summer, I might get certified for a few things. I spent a few times thinking about getting a bit certified to serve alcohol, maybe try bartending.

I don’t want to set out a schedule and a routine, seeing how my past endeavours became after I put a schedule in for myself. Yeah…that’s not going to happen since I never stick to a strict schedule. For now just do a few things everyday and see what may come. Hopefully my mood improves and a positive attitude will last.

Don’t Burn The House Down

I’ve been trawling the political news in the past month and the world seems to be alight with borderline hate speech and free speech. It’s even making me nervous since every culture has suffered it’s troubles but a few are open to kill and hurt everyone to feel superior.

We as a people were born to treat all with fairness and justice, no one is better and no one can take away who you are as a human being. It’s disturbing and rightly eye opening to the intolerant language being propagated in society. I always want to look into the future but seeing the squabbles over race, how can we ever meet to the challenge something new and different? Economically, we’re addicted to petroleum and only dancing around alternative energies. Politically, we’re still divided by ideologies and geographic bias. How can we justify change when we can’t even make the changes within?

Someone once told me society is a house. A house everyone wants to live in, it can be built and be torn down. However there is only one house and we all must live in it. The house might be cramped but when you burn the house down, no one can live in the house. What is the point of living in a house if you were going to burn it down?

I guess I’ll leave it there for this week. Something to think about.