nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: thoughts

Caught My Malaise

Well after a week and the heat has settled off. According to the news, I expected to see hot days ahead. Yet here I am trying fight away this feeling. I’m not thinking about anything yet and I hope I don’t. Let’s rewind to Saturday.

So Saturday is when I noticed I was really feeling worse than the day before. I still had the energy to go out and do stuff. Waking up late didn’t help, I still had a bit done. Then Sunday morning rolled in and I just had trouble sleeping. Turning in my bed, then seeking refuge in the basement for a few hours. I managed to sleep. Only to expend another weekend and a beautiful day. In the weekend I did nothing but take a few photos and saw the moon and Mars in the same city sky.

Sunday afternoon, waking at 8 in the afternoon. I’m rested in the sunset bleeding through the window. I hate every time I wake up, I feel I lost one more day in my life. Trying to claim to something that’s waning away. Sitting here on the backside of a heat wave and to be in the wake of another, I don’t think I can survive another day.

I just need to sleep away all this. Yes, maybe sleep it off.

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Need To Make It Rain

The past winter, I bought 500 business cards. With my name and a web address to my 500px account. In hindsight, sometimes impulse purchases isn’t the best way to get business cards.

When I first bought this batch was because I saw the 50% off deal on Vistaprint. Great deal at the time considering it’s 500 cards. I made a very simplistic card, white lettering on black – no designs and a straightforward style.

When they arrived, they come in boxes of 250. Well right now I’ve managed to give out about  20-30 of the 500. Since the last purchase, the place has been having the 50% business card sales all the time. So looking back on it, I could’ve spent more time designing a card to be more appealing.

Speaking of business, I was invited to a business seminar. It was a mixed bag of thoughts. Firstly, the entire  seminar was highly focused on getting people into a business to sell products. Something I’ve had some recent experience with, however it just sounded very remotely a bit of a scheme to brainwash people. When I was accepted the invitation, I thought “I could give away at least a hundred of these bad boys.” I arrived with 50 and only gave two and one to a friend of a friend. It’s unfortunate but these folks seemed a bit high brow and disillusioned. I think I’ve tried networking at a seminar and now I just have to dial in where to distribute and market myself.

I do feel semi-serious about starting a photography job. However in a city of millions, it’s tough to compete with someone well established. However I’m not in it in win it all, I just want to at least make it to be independent. Just taking it one job at a time.

Weird is OK

Last week I was so excited to see Paramore, the few bands in my rotating playlist of music that has permanent standing. It’s been almost a decade since I’ve seen them live, I believe I still have the stub from the DCU Centre in Massachusetts. But finally being able to see them here at home was a gift after having a terrible rainy date and the last minute request from work to complete a shift. Unlike the DCU, I had seats this time but I didn’t even need it (exception for the two opening acts, I’m not much of a Foster The People person). Just having them on stage and seeing the crowd reminded me of those days just sitting at home and blaring it in my ears.

At the start of the concert, I was surprised a lot of people dressed so differently taking their seats. Teenagers, old fans, a crew of dyed hair people, even a few people in their business casual wear stood and jammed with Paramore. They brought our a lot of old album favourites to playing their entire new After Laughter album. But just being there with people dancing and watching, I felt comfortable to wave my hands and headbanging in the stands. It was comforting to just hear Hayley’s words sung and sung back to her. It was electric in a way everyone can hold on those words. I remember the first time I felt like that was when I heard The Only Exception. It was moving that no matter where you come from, people are similar in situation. Whether a break up, a death, a crappy circumstance could being someone back.

After leaving the concert, I left for a bit of late night Chinese food. I saw hoards of people scrambling to cars and even people trickling into the streetcar stop. I took a less direct route to the restaurant for some take out. Just seeing people dispersing train stop after train stop with all their Paramore paraphernalia, it was something almost magical. Then as I waited for a meal, I saw a group of friends sit down wearing the same After Laughter t-shirt and I was remember just how special the concert was, the difference of appearance and now appetite.

I’ve always advocated that being weird and different is good. That night I really felt accepted by those words and I now I’m starting to look at myself and say “Weird is OK”.

A selfie is not a self portrait…

Sure this topic isn’t hip any more but when the term “selfie” came around to pop culture, there were a lot of opinion writers.

At the gallery there is a fantastic painting of an artist painting themselves as they’re painting themselves. It’s kind of interesting to step closer and seeing the detail into the scene within the painting. Even with their back turned, it’s a very interesting self-portrait. Fast forward to the digital age of the late 2000’s and 2010’s, the “selfie” is a self portraiture; usually associated with a cell phone and a mirror. I have to admit looking at the comparison between this piece in the gallery and everyone’s Instagram (I don’t have one but I like to peak at others), we’ve come so far that I feel the concept of a self-portrait has degenerated. It’s one thing to make the “I was here” statement when you want to selfie  in the moment but when people stage selfies, I do feel it’s a bit self-absorbed.

In a recent walk to witness the Sakura blooms, I saw a lot of selfie sticks. A lot. Enough to really conclude people are really selfish to really equate to those people who take chunks of the tree for themselves or those who disobey signs to get the right selfie. I really don’t think a jpeg from a cellphone could really out compete with a RAW file from a DSLR or even a png/tiff image from a point and shoot. I regardless, a $100 point and shoot will have a timer function. Meanwhile I’ve seen people reaching out to a stranger for a photo. I, for a few times, was the stranger. I usually do my best to take the photo. I quite understand to entrust someone of your phone when you’re so shy to ask. That’s obvious but there are some very outgoing people that apparent don’t have time to get a photographer as a friend.

I do find in modernity, the self-portrait has become more abuse of an artistic craft to a social media eye sore. And for those who rarely take them; rare being once in many month, then I think you are more observant of the world than looking for a narcissistic reward.

Mental Health

This is one thing I have to be mindful of when I live my life. I take pills, apply therapy techniques and do my best to live my life. With the recent going-on’s in Toronto, I feel like underlying issue is left ignored.

During times like this when an incident on this scale happens, people get immediately angry and resentful. Myself included when I first heard the news, I was shocked and wanted nothing more for the suspect to serve his life behind bars. It is unfortunate knowing I walk the same streets and at any time, someone like this person would get behind the wheel and commit murder on this scale. Knowing one of those pedestrians can be anyone regardless of age, race and gender, it disturbs me to think I could be one of those unnamed and soon forgotten by the public.

Life – a fragile thing. Not only in preservation, but in keeping all the smaller things in perspective. Things like emotion, stability and clarity. To feel without overstepping while taking a stride with meaning without being led by emotions. Which is kind of why I’m brought to write this week’s post (though it feels I do this more bi-weekly).

The real question when crimes like this occur, I ask myself “What’s really going on here?” A lot of people focus solely on a person then blame a niche outside the norm. It’s equivocal if a hipster committed genocide because carnivores are destroying the Earth and veganism is the way to go. The way I see it, crime is a social issue. The question from “What this person has done?” to “Where did we go wrong?” Channelling the proverb “it takes a village” does reflect what happened and what has changed. From the restraint for the officer ending the situation non-violently to the tolerance to not accuse the suspect for terrorism right off the bat. We’re changing but there is niche groups that are still victimized because of radicalized individuals. It is sad people died because we live in a society still dictated by a toxic masculine point of view which objectifies men as much as it does for women. In a sense the recent pro-female movement has weaponized feminism into hating men than raising an equal society. This mirrors much of the recent movements started with good intentions and lead by those radicalized by them. Dissidence is important for a democratic society but the values we pass on must be of those of tolerance and critical thinking. To be objective and to ask questions beyond what we know to get a bigger picture.

If we can at least achieve this, perhaps things like this wouldn’t necessarily happen.

NIMBY

First time I ever heard of this acronym was in Cities: Skylines. In the game, this is a policy you can enact to prevent loud noise at night. In reality this is much more as a phrase for anyone who opposes a service within their neighbourhood.

Living in the big city, whether people say it or not, has become a bit of an oxymoron. Here homelessness and public transit are the top two people like to address but don’t necessarily want to physically change.

The transit system here is fairly archaic, most of the system was developed in the 60’s. With a sprawling city without an upgraded transit system, it has been crowded. So now with old stations being updated, a lot of people are really against the stations from expanding to accommodate more routes or making it more accessible. With a lot of people throwing opinions and hate for every plan, I doubt any meaningful progress so far.

The homeless issue is a bunch of sociological problems; drugs, shelter, food, safety. A lot of local NGO’s  try to keep these people alive while the city tries to find ways to bring these people back into society. The biggest problem especially in winter is shelter. Recently, my local city wants to open a new shelter near my neighbourhood. However Once that hit the news, everyone went ape about not wanting it near them. That goes the same with safe injection sites. I understand both sides of the stories and I honestly don’t know who’s in the right because both arguments are valid.

“No In My BackYard” has become something I want to avoid personally. It’s a phrase that doesn’t progress an issue and usually throws an issue to someone else.

Here we go again 2018

So after being medicated for several years, I’m still very uncomfortable about taking medication non-stop. I’ve been on/off with my medication which isn’t so good, however I’ve been busy with either work or photography.

Actually yesterday, I sat down and focused on looking through about a thousand photos. Looking through them, I managed to pick just over 60. I’ve been starting to put post-processing off to when I have a lot more photos. Just makes it easy so I don’t have to spend a lot more time cumulatively. However I’m starting to realize this can get a bit confusing. I think it’s coming up to where I need to start saving my TIFF files to a DVD. I did it for last year’s photos and I’ve reorganized my PC folders to make it easier to burn to a CD or a DVD. I wish I could limit a folder to contain a certain size.

Next week is going to be a busy time and hopefully even with this funk, I’ll get it all done and I can move on to take more photos and even start to travel again.

Local Resturants

After a week of eating at small dining establishments, I’ve learned a bit about my area.

In terms of variety and styles there is not much of I like or enjoy and when there is “variety” it’s only by presentation. It kind of bums me out that no matter where I go I find an Asian eatery or a cafe. The only thing that really changes is the scene that occupies inside the restaurant but not much else in terms of the taste.

Sadly wandering around the city I found the same monotonous cafe. As much as I like the hipster vibes, it lacks in a community feel.  I only say that because I want to drop my business card on bulletin boards. I still like a humbling place with the smell of roasted beans wafting, but it feels a bit empty without interesting or interactive wall decor.

I think for now, I can say my week long experiment to see this city in it’s culinary glory is successful but I wish I could’ve seen more. I might keep trying to visit more but for now, I’ll get close to what I know.

Love Is Strange

On the week of Valentine’s Day, I started to play the new prequel to Life Is Strange. I was completely blown away at what they’ve done with the old characters while introducing new characters.

As someone who played the first game, there are a bunch of references. While I know what happens in the first game, I did my best to think about this as the “first” game in the series. I’m not completely done but it is so far really entertaining. There are a lot twists and lots of moments where it’s fun and sad. Life Is Strange played with my heart but Before The Storm really feels like a heartbreaking game.

Chloe and Max are probably the two characters in any video game yet that reflects how I perceive the concept of love. It’s a difficult subject to grasp and no one would every get it right, but we all understand it in out own way. What it means to us and what it matters to be with and without.

The game feels so much shorter than the first but I can’t wait to finish the 3rd episode and wait for the bonus episode.

Here You Are Again

Odd thing that happened on my Facebook recently.

Occasionally, I like to cull my private online profiles. Ridding people I’ve fallen out of or haven’t seen in a long time. Sometimes they’ll never add me back, which I’m totally okay with and I’ve been on the receiving end of a social media culling a few times. I can totally understand however this one time when I lost someone physically and they disappeared off my friends list, it felt terrible.

Setting: recently, I accidentally set a status update to public and they liked it back. Honestly, a lot of emotion flooded back when I was first notified. I do think of them fondly however knowing they still bookmarked me is interesting. When I first realized, I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to let them know I’m alright but open to talk. The best I could think I could do is just write another status update.

This is a first for me and I’m not quite sure if I did the right thing. As the shy me, I would say I handled it well.

What do you guys think?