nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: thinking

This is not for me.

This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.

Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry.  But where was I?

I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.

How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.

Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.

Why can’t I be me?

The Bad Days, The Best Days

We have had a few rough days at our lives, those who deny it are lying to themselves. Day to day, our actions are the sum of the experiences. I wish I could say we should all have happy and care-free lives, however after recent events in my life I’m starting to think we should have just a few bad days.

Recently while I was packing for a long work weekend, the weather was fluctuating between a damp spring morning and a cold frosty winter. April as ambiguous the weather was, I packed for a mildly warm and damp spring. When I arrived to my work site, I noticed snow was an inch thick and felt like the middle of January back home. Even though I was not prepared to bear the wind chill, I did enjoy my weekend. Admittedly, I did to learn I should pack for any and every temperature change. As hard and difficult my life was for a few brief days, it was a learning experience.

I think it’s just the learning experience; learn to fail. In it’s bad day, there is something to earn from it turning it into a good day. There are days where days are just terrible which never get better; most of the time, it’s going to be a good day regardless.

Trailblazer

Over the past month, it has been a moments of up and down. There were days I felt demoralized and alone. And there were moments I felt calm and better than I was the moments before. As Christmas approaches, I feel a sense of mental fortitude should be necessary for the holidays.

Over the past decade, my body went through highs and lows. Not only the physical but the mental drive I had was slowed and then rebuilt. The toughest part about it was going at it alone. The hardships one can endure alone is the most difficult to overcome. The way I see it, loneliness in times of need is the bedrock bottom of any hole anyone digs for themselves. In the past year like many years in the past decade, I felt like I dug myself into such a hole while trying to climb out the darkness I’ve sent myself. Recently I feel I stopped digging.

With a job with me and hoping for more coming my way, I feel things are going upwards and outwards. Here staring at my ceiling, I reminded myself about the words that helped me through so much and has taught me to never give up. Find purpose. You see after struggling through so much in high school, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of myself. I never found a niche, never found what I truly wanted to do, I never found what I really wanted most for myself personally and professionally. Perhaps I never was meant to find something specific and maybe I was meant for more than an accountant, a technician or a labourer of sorts. Unlike video games, we aren’t given a difficulty selection; we play the game as it is whether it is easy or hard. There will be days when you can drift by like you can sit down and relax, then there will be days drawn out to where you want to drown it all out. Regardless, I have to play the game as it is on the knowledge and wisdom I’ve earned. I don’t know where this stage of my life will lead, but I will find my own way. Finding purpose to what I want to be maybe hard, then perhaps finding a purpose for the future is not my purpose. If I’m unsure what I want for the future, then maybe my purpose is here and right now. I should strive for something I want right in the moment and fight for it at this very moment.

I don’t mean getting food when I’m hungry or napping when I’m tired, but do something different and new. My life doesn’t seem to follow a path and it doesn’t have to as long as I can make my own. I’m getting old but I’m getting wiser with every experience I can expose myself towards and perhaps this is my purpose. Sure stumbling in the dark not knowing where to take a step is not what people feel comfortable with, but perhaps try. You will find yourself unafraid and a bit more confident in the dark. You will see something new, different, or see the dull things as interesting. Perhaps gain some respect and perspective on something you never thought yourself you could need, be or want. Finding purpose isn’t just a materialist or forward thinking idea, I think it’s more about being here in the present and exploring yourself and your surroundings. We should find some purpose in that and make our path.

Until next time, let’s be trailblazers together. Thanks for 3 extraordinary years on WordPress!

In Desperate Times

Lots of dark chapters in human history. There are some we seem to glance over, exemplify or never recognize its significance. Coming towards a crises as a mind species, we could easily reflect on our actions but legitimize the plans we make for the future. The Europeans though it would be nice to have a fast trade route to Asia and Hitler wanted Germany out of debt, how can we predict a good action from a bad action?

As a child and teenager, I was always told “If you cannot remember the past, you are doomed to repeat it.” Only a very few phrases have ever stuck to me to shape the person I would become. I took history as a class an course through my school so I remember those pictures, those written experience; to remember what humanity has done onto itself. The troubling fact is I don’t remember myself. I don’t remember my childhood all that well and frankly, the parts I do remember terrify me and have scarred me. When people reminisce about their upbringing and ask to share my tale, I have to resort to two actions. Should I lie or tell the truth? One hand it would sound believable while the other will sounds either irrelevant or even people think I made it up. Fact of the matter, it’s a choice to say either but only one is the solid truth. The truth is never the right nor wrong answer, the truth is simply itself. Right and wrong is a judgement call from a third party bias. We distinguish right and wrong from what other’s tell us is right and wrong. This is the basis of law, is it not? It is the institution of drawing the thinnest line between good and bad and gets people to ensure we all stay on one side of this line and to always respect the line. As thin as you can draw the line, the easier for it to fade away and we see that in many ways. Is it murder when you do it self defence? How about if you do CPR on someone and they die? If you pushed someone out of harm’s way and accidently touched the inappropriately, would that be considered sexual assault? We do have laws in place of the exceptions but in my opinion, even with exceptions it would be in some cases an unbelievable tale to tell.

Within those split seconds to react to protect other, what is the overriding factor? In which instances are we more inclined for self preservation or peer preservation? Say generically we a thief who stole from you, would you rather have him steal money, food or your possessions? For whatever you picked if you caught him and explained himself, would you believe they were stealing to support themselves or their family? Now place yourself in the thief’s position; you are caught and you tell them the truth, do you think they would believe you?

Over the past week, I have hidden a truth to the world. I am at the breaking point where I am re-evaluating all the fundamental principles I was born and raised with to hopefully legitimize my next action. Back into a circle where two phrases stay in my mind; “This is bad” because all I learned go against these actions, “I need this to survive” because my current situation doesn’t allow me to think conventionally anymore. I am at a crisis where I will have to toss the rulebook aside and do what I have to do to survive or I might potentially die. If these actions are taken, I could get in trouble and void the opportunities I want to have for myself but I would live to keep moving on. In my mind, I wasn’t given the luxury to think in a grey zone. It has to be black or white, yes or no, do or die. Even my actions my seem small compared to others, some will have the comfort of thinking outside of my situation and find me as a misfit, a person on the opposite of the thin line. No matter what I did or what I say, I will be guilty and consequences will be made for a small action I committed because I chose to live one more day to work towards a better future. In essence, death is the only “right” answer at the moment but to me it is “wrong” answer.

In desperate times, do I choose slow death or survival? By the book or out with the book? Civility or necessity? These are the questions I am facing, real consequences affecting me as person and member of society.