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Tag Archives: thinking out loud

Last Post 2017

Next week’s going to be a new year; a year older, another year.

I’m just here watching the rest of the Jingle Jam. I’ve been a fan of the Yogscast but these charity streams I do find to be the best part of my year. After the year I’ve had, this is likely the best part right up to the end. However it’s been difficult to really watch these archived streams on YouTube. Not much to view but at the same time has given me an opportunity to see new indie games. At least I get to see the old and usual stuff, like a live podcast and some “live” games.

Last night I couldn’t get away from a 6 hour stream from Zoey from the Yogscast playing both The Sims 4 and a discussion on mental health. I was surprised when we began to talk about her struggle with mental health and how I’ve been over the past decade. From a person I don’t know to hear the same words, this oddly familiar connection based on an illness. After hearing from her and then playing this new game I’ve never heard about, it was like watching a simulacra of what I’ve been through for most of my adult life.

After seeing her play through it for almost an hour, I might want to pick up “Please Knock On My Door”. The hardest part was fighting my own thoughts while she and the game narrates the similar dialogue.

There is nothing easy about battling a mental illness without a cure. There is no phrase nor pill can cure it. Just keep holding on…

…even when things look bleak.

I think next year I’ll just keep fighting myself. I have to hope and keep telling myself things will get better. I just have to whether I should believe it or not.


This is not for me.

This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.

Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry.  But where was I?

I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.

How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.

Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.

Why can’t I be me?

Follow Your Heart

For the past few years have been a rough ride for me. I have went through a cycle of blaming myself and mulling over every action that has brought me here. Through it all, I’ve pulled out of the worst mood I’ve been in years and still feel I haven’t crawled out the sadness I’m still holding inside.

There are days my heartache feels heavier, though in time it has become more distance. Time doesn’t seem like  it “heals all wounds”, it only makes the heart grow fonder to it’s needs. Though I do enjoy curled up in bed writing blog posts and watching YouTube, I feel I’m missing more of my adulthood. I miss centralizing my commitment and dedication while at the same time I yearn for the same. I have tried my best to fill the void, but to no avail. I keep telling myself there is someone out there for me. Now a 20-something, I am sensing the familiar defeat hovering over me. My acceptance to it makes me feel hopeless yet I scramble to find meaning to my existence.

In this moment, I have a part time job for which I am grateful. In a recent conversation with a coworker, something blew my mind. I’m not sure how the point came up but I do remember this. Love and love alone, is the sum of one’s dedication and commitment. In the lesser gains and greatest sacrifices, we did out of compassion and empathy. Love is the emotion of these values. In these few sentences, I realized what I’ve done for the past year and what have done in relationships past.

The past year I am happy to be employed, I have spent my free time to learn and gain from my work. I have set aside time and my life to do things people would likely never see and do. I spent seven days staring at stars and fireflies. I seen the majesty of the local wildlife. I traveled distances to hurt myself and become heavily fatigued. I stood outside the rain where I become totally drenched. I helped people with personal problems. I am not an open person to spread compassion around me. Why did I do it?  Commitment and dedication to those who take care of me, I guess. I chose to work at this part time job is to perhaps do it out of love. Not money nor power but the dedication and commitment to others.

As inanimate as work is, It has filled part of life up with a bit of what I wanted. Time well spent, even though I may never see it reciprocate. However I feel I am missing something; maybe it’s the loneliness on a dark Halloween, but perhaps I need some companionship. Just having someone to connect and share ideas. Now we’re back to the question I’ve been dodging.

Why am I still alone?

Expectations Of Adulthood

As children, we are given an idea of what it is like as an adult. From parents to teachers, we usually find our own way into the world. As incredible as it sounds when we reach to “adulthood”, we look back and realize childhood was such a simpler time.

Though I am still youthful in my days, I have to admit I yearn for the days I wish I have nothing to do but at the same time I yearn for a bit of something worth doing. Call me strange but I’m in between being a child and and adult. People all around me can say I should grow up while we’re all chasing the last vestiges of our own youths. To me, it’s how you feel and what you do to express your youthfulness is what counts. In a way, my life is balanced between staying young and growing old. Though time can age me, adulthood would never scar me. I would like to play all the video games in the world, but I would like fulfilling work which can in turn give me more time and hardware to play. I want to feel perpetually carefree; I want to do all the adult things but have enough to just be a kid.

In a way I want to be a big kid with a monitor so big I can play video games on my bed with my wireless mouse and keyboard I bought. I want to fall in love with a girl who shares the same so we can have our entire place a adult playground  when we move in together (That sounds, guarantee you that’s not). I want to eat all the foods I like as a kid; of course in moderation since candy is bad and fried things make you fat.

Until next time, growing up doesn’t have to mean leaving things behind. Sometimes growing up means reconnecting with your past self.