nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: self

False Positive Reinforcement

I realized more recently that positive reinforcement doesn’t necessarily work for me. In this day in age, everyone is trying to see the better of things. Even then, the tiny voice in my head wouldn’t let me accept other people’s positive attitude especially if it’s directed at me.

I’m questioning a lot about myself recently. I’m not uncertain, but I feel like a kid breaking open the toaster and wondering how it all makes toast. How did my life so far created this burnt mess? I feel like I’m asking all the questions and I’m not solving anything. I guess it’s that empty part of me I’m still looking for, those answers to questions I should be asking.

A simple “good job” or “well done” triggers the inner pessimist. I don’t think I’m ever doing good or have done well to be congratulated. I just do. In a way it self-establishes I don’t have skills, yet I do. I have a talent to be talentless. I look at myself and see someone who has not achieved anything with age and wisdom. I look around me and I see a bunch of people who have at least an accolade they can be proud of, yet I’m here with a few people thinking I am worth something. Inside, I feel I don’t necessarily deserve it.

Perhaps a life time of negative reinforcement is catching up. Perhaps what I see in positive reinforcement will never come because it’s just how I grew up.

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Retrospective.

It’s my birthday month. After a long ass time working on my blog, it’s hasn’t change much compared to everything else in my life.

From what I can comfortably tell, this blog has gone through a few changes and I’ve tried to do one thing and another. I tried reviewing stuff here, I’ve ranted and still ranting, I’ve tried to reach out to the community a bit for some inspiration. The problem for me is I was never much a reader. It’s an unfortunate situation because reading is a great thing to do. Ever since I started this blog, I do want to read more. Recently I’ve even bought a few graphic novels and books. I’m actually reading through Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David D. Burns, MD, kind of want to but at the same kind of have to; it’s what my doctor says, so I feel I should find the answers to my own problems. Still reading for the sake of reading is beyond my grasp. I think awhile ago, I did mention this blog is more about to document changes; just a bit of something to share and look back on one day (assuming WordPress will still be around before and after I die).

I think I’ve made a lot of progress within the one or two years. Within the two years, I’ve gotten a part time job and still planning to work more often. Within a year I think I can recollect a bunch of new things I’ve tried and retried. I’ve taken up photography through buying a new camera. As you’ve seen in previous posts, there has been a few photos which turned out well. I’ve connected to the paint.net program through this, I’ve never found photo editing to be a fun task. Though my medium is digital, I admire some work still done with film. Those film photographers out there, you folks do have a remarkable skill. I’ve also made some small purchases as well from the book store aside from Feeling Good. Most of graphic novels and perhaps I might read more through graphic novels. After I’m done with this self-help, I’m ready for a light or fictional piece.

What I expect going on for the next year, I hope I gain and never lose. I’ve had a long slump in the past with only scarce small victories. Now I’m hoping more small victories with little losses, more gains and a flourishing lifestyle.

And cake, more cake!

The Other Side.

Recently at work, I have been on the opposite of where I was over a year ago. Rather than being the trainee, I was supporting the staff in training.

I had a year of learning my job and now looking back, it feels like a lifetime has passed since then; sitting in a remote field, I can’t help but think. It’s been almost a decade since I got out of school, almost two years into the second steady job I’ve had since I started working; this nostalgic feeling under the bough of this lone tree, I can’t help but crack a smile.

Sometimes, it does feel there isn’t enough time to really sit back and watch it all go by; life in it’s minute workings, then seeing a bit of yourself without your ego. You were once there and now here you are on the other side of the machine, the painting, the tableau. It’s beautiful knowing all he hardships have brought you have right back around, yet there is nothing you want more to keep going not matter how tiring it can be.

There may be days when it can be slow, mindless and monotonous. The know there are others around you coming from different backgrounds coming together for similar things, it’s something…zen about it. Even on a hot day where I want to do nothing but drink water and watch the clouds go by, just a bit of work in the mix made it something worthwhile.

Perhaps the most worthwhile things are those we don’t necessarily see but it is when we see it.

Time

“I’ll do it later”, this phase much like myself have said and thought many times. Many times before, I have this and little have been accomplished and little was ever explored. Recently I found myself thinking about time; in it’s power and fleeting, I could only cherish what I have left for it.

The last couple weeks I’ve been hard at work, task after completed task.  Always moving and doing, something I don’t mind when I’m not sore or tired. However this week was a very big push with much to do with very little hands to complete them. After a long day, a co-worker I rarely seen or spoke to asked if I wanted to join him for the evening to meet some people. By this time, I wanted to do nothing more to sleep or say “Maybe another time.” Insistent as he is, I agreed to go; I later found out, it was a dance class.

Not much of a dancer, I played with the notion of learning. For my first class, I did fairly well though if I did keep trying, I would be excel. As the instructor went through each routine in the corner of my eye, I saw this one girl. There were a lot of women in this class as well as men, I wasn’t too sure why she drew my attention. As the class winds down, I knew two things. First, I’m a terrible dancer. Secondly, I had to speak to her. Just an impulse I wanted to walk up and introduce myself. As awkward as I tried to not be with my introduction, I think I did a good job breaking the ice. We spend about an hour talking about her education and my work. We exchanged Facebook contacts.

Now two days after first contact, I come to realize later will always come but time is always running out. Of all the potential women I could’ve of asked out, I’ve chucked it to the the phrase “maybe later”. I spent my days saying rather than doing. Dreaming rather than working. As awkward this Easter can be, I really want to innovate myself. Perhaps this is the later I’ve been waiting for and now I can start living.

Tenacity.

Recently, I had the opportunity to use my “once a month” airsoft budget to play again. This time rather than the shy timid person I was, I opened up to myself as the personality that I am towards my fellow players. Though I must admit I was a bit physically rough with myself with some sustained injuries, it wasn’t that painful compared to my last experience. Definitely lessons learned and points to sustain for every outing. However this time as I readied for the first round of the night (2 v. 2 team deathmatch), I felt less of the hesitation and nervousness that I feel when I try something new. Second time at the facility, I really felt ready to play. My rifle recalibrated and optics finally sighted, any fears faded and began to live here and now. As the referee counted down – “THREE”, my mind racing and thinking. Will I draw blood this time around? I am getting older, why am I living like this? “TWO”, how will this round will turn out? how will other think if my injuries was caused by these actions? Hundreds of questions until the call. “ONE”, silence. It was me, my breath and heartbeat as I drew my rifle up for the go.

Many things in my life, the best things happened in my life this far, have occurred when I’m nervous and scared. Unsure of the future, unsure of the consequences; risk and risk alone was the award for me. Yet risk and risk alone was what ended those great ventures. When I was young, I feared risk. Risk of injury, risk of loss, risk of failure. Much of the best years of my life is avoiding risk. I realize risk is what I need the most.

Life is indeed about trying new things, growing outside a shell. Though it’s not permission to go wild, it’s the steadfast determination when facing impending consequences. Being into the very moment to think and react and to not be ready what will have days and weeks beyond.

This moment in time is what we have left of ourselves. The next moment might not be the same. It could be but there is nothing to gain in a moment if it is the same. In the very moment, nothing beyond should really matter but right now. In my life, it has only happened once. The moment when my mind clears and I am in that moment. The moment when everything is nothing but what I hear, smell, touch and see. Itself in words only can quantify an infinite feeling. It’s almost exhilarating and yet I dare find it.

Lesser are my fears even if they exists. Facing them and challenging them is one thing I alone must achieve. Perhaps in it all fear is our greatest enemy but tenacity is humanities greatest weapon.

Specking IRL

In video games, especially in MMO’s, specking is a way if life. The purpose to be best of the best; either to be the most swift, the most smart or the most strong. Which would explain why everyone looks alike in their equipment, either to counter weakness or amplify their strengths. As I grow older, it seems to me this fact slowly holds true in many vectors in living.

Must like video games, modern society focuses on learning a set of skills or possess particular knowledge akin to skills and attributes. When you go to school at a young age, it’s merely the tutorial to the real world. It should be teaching things to talk to other people and complete certain tasks. Over time you begin to do these things regularly in different settings and with speed. Then you get into university, that’s where you specialize into doing something in the group. This institution is the two to six years where you pick you class, archetype or specialization. After that with much hope and debt, you are thrown into the open world with other newbies and seasoned veterans. It this ultimate massively open world experience; you get no respawns and rerolls, reputation and social groups matter, and the choice to add more specializations at a cost.

Choosing something for yourself in this game may be difficult but like any MMO, it’s based on what you want. If you want a life of brute labour, focus mainly on a strength build of lifting weights and running. If you want to be more brain than brawn, tapping out data and equations; then calculus and mathematics should be something you should really concentrate. If you stay the course, you would do fairly well. Those who decide to backtrack and choose something else, it can get difficult. Without the safety of a tutorial environment, you would have to learn on the go. If you wind up in a grind, you wouldn’t have just bored to deal with; some people just can’t handle it and would just get fed up.

As a person with a intelligence build who is more into a physical build, here’s my advice to anyone still in tutorial. Find something. Pick something you are good at and go with it. If you can think fast then find something more fast pace. You like to lift? Then pick a laborious workfield. Want to stick to something you like to enjoy? Stick to it. Disregard what other people say to you that you won’t make money or whatever, screw them all. People want you to have a intelligence build and all you want is agility with some strength, then agility and strength. It is up to you to make those choices to get you the right build. When you get it right, things will be easy. Get it wrong? Well…let’s hope you enjoy a longer grind to the top than you think.

Mistakes

No matter who you are, you screwed up at one point or another. Whether you forgot to take an exam, broke your leg that time you jump off a building, or you go arrested for possession of marijuana when you were actually holding it for a friend; you got in trouble and you had to pay the price for your own stupidity. No matter what the case, “mistakes happen” said every teacher ever but they don’t tell you that being an adulthood, mistakes get you into really big trouble (at least 75% of the time).

As kids, we all got into trouble at some point to some degree. Most of the time, the worst we get would be a beating because back then there weren’t child abuse laws like there are now. So we got our asses literally handed by our parents for everything we did. If your parents didn’t beat you, then well done because either you were smart enough to get someone else beat or your parents didn’t care about you and you’re probably needing this weekly blog post more than me. When we were kids, consequences were consistent. It would be a slap on the wrist, being grounded, or for some, get hit. If you are fortunate, your parents would be the main source of your consequence. As you grow older everyone else, including you, will put out the pain. In high school, your consequences would include the most easiest of consequences but they would hurt physically or emotionally just like how your parents raised you. Low grades? Consequence for not learning. Not going to rehearsal to see a movie? Well you can kiss your shot at the talent show next spring goodbye. Accidently got someone/yourself pregnant? Congrats, you are now a parent. It would seem like the you are either screwing up pretty badly or just feel the world is never giving you a break.

As with growing up, things get more complicated and the consequences to your mistakes regardless of how small are now amplified. Why? Because society thinks being an adult is knowing everything. In reality, adults know nothing. Seriously, I know some people including myself; we still don’t know what we’re doing. We’re always getting into trouble either in our own little ways or after two decades of getting beat down, we’re finally learning to cover up for our mistakes. But even when we cover up our mistakes, being adult has it’s curveballs. Even if you cover up, it might come back to bite you back whether you learned your lesson or not. So to really enjoy adulthood as society places it, is to really never do anything wrong or against society itself. Discussion of fascism aside, I don’t think any of us can really be capable of never screwing up and usually if we do, we would either get in trouble personally or professionally. Legally would be the beating your parents gave when you were a child, but as an adult legal troubles are the worse because this can just ruin in one hit.

Though as badly as your parents, school or society puts it; we all get into trouble regardless of degree. You could be a millionaire having an affair or a teenage girl with an unfaithful love in your life. Just know before you realize it, everything is a mistake. Everything we do or experience is a mistake. Regardless whether we want it to happen or not, something started us along these path of choices and we travelled the best we can here. Even then, we will travel down the wrong path, make the wrong choices, even tried to go back and try again. Doesn’t necessarily make mistakes a bad thing to do, in fact mistakes can sometimes be the best thing that can happen. Getting into trouble for me usually taught me more than school, which is pretty irony but true. The choices I made that never panned provided me some perspective. School can tell you about experience and things that went on with the world and things that might help you with your job. There is no substitute to learning stuff on your own, even when you screw up you learn what would happen when you screw up.

We are not all perfect people, we don’t fit in to any description quite perfectly. We all make mistakes, the best we can do is learn from them and be comfortable with those mistakes because what you did with your life makes your life unique. People might scorn you for them after and you might get into more trouble, mistakes happen but they always happen. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s recommend to make mistakes. When you can do something wrong, sooner or later you will learn to do something right. That’s how evolution happened and parenthood happens because no one learned to evolved or became a parent, you learn from what you know and how badly you screwed up.

Until next time, screw up a little. You’ll live a little, maybe learn something from it.

Dating a Gamer – The Insider Guide

[Left in a lot of euphemisms, enjoy!]

This week, we’re going to be a bit light on the subject and approach a topic I don’t talk to anyone about; mainly because I have no one to really talk to about things, hooray loneliness! With how prevalent gaming culture is now, it’s best to lay down the line about going to pick up someone who is a gamer just like you. If not like you, then picking a gamer to be that special somebody in your life. Like any good RPG, there will be ups and downs filled with dungeons of demons and dragons in the hopes your reward was worth the quest (Can this sentence get any dorkier?).

As a note, I’m not a dating expert; I’m a gamer. I take from my personal experience to help you if you are confused or unsure. Results may vary since people’s personalities vary, this is to help you and not all necessarily get you hooked up with anyone. 

Let’s Play

On top of how you fine that special someone, a new complexity reaches when the person says “I like to play games” and “I’m a gamer”. It might sound like a turn off, but I find video games are the best way to learn about someone. Much like learning their hobbies and interests, video games can be a great indicator of their personality. Approaching someone with the question should be around the same time you ask about their interests and hobbies. Now, don’t freak out that you don’t know any of the titles they’re mouthing off, feel free to ask them about it and you can totally just Google it later.

When you bring up the topic of video games, there can be two reactions; ecstatic or passive to the topic. If they seem to come back with the “Meh, games are okay.” kind of response, you got a lamer. They’re not into games but they have no opinion on it (or they do but they just want something else, I’ll let you figure that one out). To me, these people are way to active to play video games; totally understandable, we all need something else.

If they’re really interested, they would probably tell you their favourite games and all that. Good indication, they are committed to one thing. If you’re looking for a long term relationship, commitment is good right?

Choose Your Own Adventure

Now when it comes to their favourite games, they usually stick around for a reason. The game will always fall under a certain genre, much like music or movies. It can tell a lot about someone based on the games they stick to or are currently being played.

If this special someone like MMO’s, they’re usually seeking social interactions and a sense of belonging. Depending how often they play these games, they want to be sociable with some control.

Shooters are the equivalent of your adrenaline junkies. They seek a short thrill and they want those quick amazing moments. As one of them, definitely you want more and more until you get burned out.

Strategists whether they play in real time or turn based, these people really like to plan it out before they execute it. Total control for the right results. Plan and then execute. Careful where you make you move because they will make their move.

Roleplayers like to be in their own world and play their own parts. Self control comes from doing deed for the comrades around them. They can get fairly creative sometimes (Bow chicka wow wow).

Indie gamers are a toss up. Those I’ve met have been a bit of everything; hipsters to mainstream gamers. These people usually are looking for something outside their comfort zone and open to new ideas and concepts. They want change and want to find the small and special gem.

Tank or Spank?

There are two “streams” in gamers; competitive and co-operative gamers. All gamers possess both but one will be the most dominate. There is no both or none; even lone wolf gamers, they are competitive because they want to be good by themselves. Competitive gamers strive to be better than all and would try to do whatever it takes to be the best and on top (Wink wink nudge nudge).  Cooperative players usually put the team before themselves, they rather watch your back than be alone. They are committed to being one with the team than running solo.

Endgame

After all it’s said and done, knowing if someone is a gamer can be the easiest way to find out more about themselves than through other hobbies or interests. Opens up to know what their personality is like. However as a note of caution like any human being, a gamer has their flaws. They will range from person to person, but usually it’s obvious depending how much video games they play. Sometimes they can be hyper focused on games, but that’s the risk you take. Only way to really date a gamer is to be a bit of a gamer yourself. You don’t have to be totally involved to it or into it, just contribute a little and they will contribute back.

Each gamer has their flaws so watch for pitfalls and explosive barrels. Be committed to the plan or leave the game. Most of all, enjoy it and take every little bit of loot you get. When you find the right one, make sure you’re both geared up for the best two-man raid of a lifetime.

Full Force 2014

To be honest, that title sounds like a video game. But this one’s about putting theme to a new years. Last year because I had a few lousy, I wanted to just dominate 2013 with positivity. I did everything I could to enjoy the year and secure myself a future.  So for 2014, I thought I could give you folks something to do for the entire year. I know new year resolutions are easily broken, but perhaps start with a small toss than a long throw?

1. Volunteer

Last year I began volunteering after half a decade without it. I have to admit, it’s a rewarding experience when you find a right place. Regardless, volunteering can be really handy. If employment is kind of a stretch for you like me, maybe give volunteering will help to bolster your resume. Not only that but you gain some professional experience if not personal experience. Who knows? Maybe find some skills you like working with you never expect you would like working. If you’re not in it for the experience, it’s a good opportunity to network; personally and professionally. Make friends with other volunteers and maybe they can hook you up with opportunities that you would not get as a nobody. If video games have taught me, NPC’s are nicer if you know them better and they give you more quests. Though you should focus more on making friends than coworkers since I think people like to have friends than coworkers.

2a. Collect ‘em all!

Might seem old school but maybe start a collection of items. Could be rocks, could be stamps, could be vintage items; just anything that catches your eye, just put it in that collection. Even without a theme, there’s always the “Stuff I Found Awesome 2014”. Whatever your kink is, collect it for 2014! If you’re into games like me, you can collect stuff too!

2b. Catch ‘em all!

Gamers, this is your year to collect what you want in your games. Whether it is an armour or weapon set, a slot full of items or just to reach the highest level; this is the year for all that. Focus on it and work on it; I know it’s a grind but at least you have a year to grind. For me, I’m definitely going to have a collection going on since I did start Blacklight: Retribution and it allows you to permanently unlock weapons, attachments and armour. So that’s going to be my game of the year. I’ll still be playing Star Trek Online but I’m pretty much at the end of the game. Collecting end game sets now are just to stay on top of the game rather than enjoying it. Perhaps this year, you can get into collecting something. It’s like kill collection quests, but it takes longer and you have an actual reward at the end.

3. Adventure

I think it’s a bit in out human nature to go beyond familiar shores to see something new; something different. You can do the same, even at home there are a lot you do. In a multicultural city, there’s always new food to discover and new places to visit. If you have been there and done that, maybe go outside your city and explore another. Visit somewhere you always wanted to go but never had a chance to travel; heck, make this year the excuse for escaping. Hawaii and the Caribbean’s always there, go somewhere you always wanted to because you want to try or do something there. The world is your ocean, set course to all the new things!

4. Steadfast Future

Perhaps your year ended well and you want to keep it up or it ended in a tragedy; there is nothing wrong to hold fast to what you have and build upon the progress you’ve made. Maybe you need some bridges burnt, burn them this year. You need mend old wounds? Sew them up this year. You want to start a new path in life? You are your own map and compass, just start walking. Simply put; if you have a bad year, fix it for this year. If you had a good year, keep it going for this year and see where it takes you. You would be surprised what you can accomplish without a specific goal.

Until next time, wherever the wind blows is where you will go!