False Positive Reinforcement

I realized more recently that positive reinforcement doesn’t necessarily work for me. In this day in age, everyone is trying to see the better of things. Even then, the tiny voice in my head wouldn’t let me accept other people’s positive attitude especially if it’s directed at me.

I’m questioning a lot about myself recently. I’m not uncertain, but I feel like a kid breaking open the toaster and wondering how it all makes toast. How did my life so far created this burnt mess? I feel like I’m asking all the questions and I’m not solving anything. I guess it’s that empty part of me I’m still looking for, those answers to questions I should be asking.

A simple “good job” or “well done” triggers the inner pessimist. I don’t think I’m ever doing good or have done well to be congratulated. I just do. In a way it self-establishes I don’t have skills, yet I do. I have a talent to be talentless. I look at myself and see someone who has not achieved anything with age and wisdom. I look around me and I see a bunch of people who have at least an accolade they can be proud of, yet I’m here with a few people thinking I am worth something. Inside, I feel I don’t necessarily deserve it.

Perhaps a life time of negative reinforcement is catching up. Perhaps what I see in positive reinforcement will never come because it’s just how I grew up.



For those who have been checking out the updates I’ve made with YouTube, don’t be alarmed. I’m not leaving WordPress, I love writing too much to abandon you. Then again, I love games so games and words was going to happen sooner or later. I’ve made attempts to write reviews and banter about games here but it seems I never really get into the idea. Video form seems like the way to go but I still have some obstacles to tend to concerning technological and psychological barriers.

It’s been awhile since I did a walkthrough with commentary on YouTube. First and last was Call Of Duty: Black Ops, the results were varied since I just downloaded everything and just went for it. After a few good years of taking steps and being cautious, I’m going to reopen the channel by playing Banished from Shining Rock Software. This time, I’m going to do this right. I want to have a good audio and video quality which brings me to the updates you might have noticed here. I’m sharing test gameplay and commentary while I set up my audio and video until the 18th rolls around. Doesn’t guarantee my first instalment will be same day, the video takes about a good hour and half to upload and 20-30 to record. But I will try and keep it to at least once a week like my blog if not the same day as my blog updates. My target would be blog on the weekends and video on a weekday. With a bunch of free time from being unemployed, I got to do something; am I right? From what I learned in the last 3 years of blogging will be applied to how I execute this video series, I learned:

  • If you fail once, keep going.
  • It’s not a numbers game, it’s a game about value of time.
  • Short and sweet, sweet and simple, or simple and short are the best combinations (at least for me anyways).
  • Enjoy the ride and not hijack it.
  • Try, check, revise, try again.

There’s plenty more I haven’t learned yet but I am ready to explore that unknown until I can’t write anymore. No surrender, no giving up; we got this!

For those rare handful of readers, you personally know me as a shy guy and I’m now admitting it to everyone (I might have said something about it in the past). It’s no problem when in group of like 10 people, but in a crowd of innumerable amounts it can get scary for me. In such a case, certain criteria must apply before my comfort is satisfactory. Without details, let’s just say conclude I’m shy and have a problem with public speaking. Yes, if you listen to the test clips, I have a bit of stutter because of it. Still overcoming that hurdle which I found deep breathes help while I turn off my brain and say something. I know I’m alone in my room and I can literally wear underwear while I’m recording, but it feels like when I say something in my microphone I feel like it’s going out to at least 25 unknown folks. Even with that, my stutter would just disappear in time and I can overcome my shyness.

Maybe YouTube is a good step ahead.