nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: relationship

This is not for me.

This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.

Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry.  But where was I?

I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.

How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.

Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.

Why can’t I be me?

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Single.

Tricky thing being about an adult, I’m learning this now while I’m young. I’m not eager to grow up and take everything as serious as things should be. Somethings I’ve taken way too seriously and recently I find myself unsure if I should buckle down or let loose. I’ve seen a lot of folks fall in love and break up, but here I am. The same old me, the same old problem I can’t seem to figure out. As much as I would like to seek the “perfect woman”, I don’t think she’s necessarily looking for me.

I’m a humble person, at least I try to be. In the  recent years, I haven’t bragged about myself; even if there was something to brag about, I wouldn’t stand too high and mighty over a small accomplishment. I don’t necessarily have attribute which stand out either, I’m not too smart or too funny, just an average person with an average build. Hopeless as it sounds, I do hope in romance. As far away as finding that person is, if it’s a lifelong pursuit then I’m willing to spend it alone.

Even if I lived to result in being alone, I guess I can accept I stood firmly on a love never requited. We’re creatures fond of instant gratification but yet here is one thing I would spend my entire life looking.

Feels weird to observe I’m the only person who would act like this all for love and even without it for quite some time, I’m still looking for the similar attachment I once had. A brief moment in my life I wish I could have for the rest of my life.

I just want to love again, someday perhaps.

Good Luck Next Time

I know I haven’t been staggering away from my traditional weekly blog posts, I’ve been caught up with work recently. A lot of out and about work and with the recent weather, I’ve been taking my camera out in the warm sunny days.

However I’ve been holding back writing a post about relationships because I should really be the last person to give relationship advice. I take that back, I should be the bottom ten people you should ask. In the past month or two, everyone is either getting in trouble with relationships or wanting to leave a relationship. As the nice single male I am, I always suck myself into these conversations with “Tell me about it.”

I want to be the helping hand and open ear for someone to feel good. A lot of people I’ve talked to drink heavily after a relationship; not going to lie if I had the money, I would’ve done the same. Usually drinking alone and suffering is the same, nothing is solved and it will still hurt at the end. The  weird thing is I find one within the pair who was seeking more than just a physical relationship and that’s what gets me.

I do believe in this century, there are variability in the definition of love but the still hardest to grasp I’ve seen and witness is romantic love. I’ve had closely had a romantic relationship and compared to people I’ve meet seemed to want the same, the love of another person. I almost want to tell them a daring truth that what they seek is not a physical embodiment of love but a love which can only be received in kind and care. Even then I don’t think they would reciprocate in the sense to understand romantic love but to rationalize their needs in that context. Romantic love is not a date on the calendar or a price tag, it’s the devotion and the willingness to weather hardships of not your own but others. Still as you read this, some will say it’s easy or asking how but that is the difficulty of romantic love and how I think it’s the greatest of loves. If done right it can reciprocate with bounty and if done incorrectly can hurt the most toughest of souls.

I would want that romantic love but it is just an idea most people see as unobtainable. From my point of view even if I don’t ever find that romantic love, I will still look for it and her.

Specifics

I recently had the privilege of going out with a bunch of coworkers. It’s something I do quite often to know the people I work with on a weekly basis. However recently one of them posed a question to me about what I want in life; starting from the woman I would  like in my life down to where I want to be. I realized I something about my life I have so forgotten; I could never describe everything to this person next to me on the steps about what I want, how could I ever find someone if I don’t what I am looking for in terms of looks and personality.

My entire existence up to now has been just a happenstance and good faith. I grew up understanding my own personal needs are irrelevant and even if I wanted something, I would get somewhere close to my intended result. The earliest was my first console, as much as the Super Nintendo was an amazing system, I wanted an N64.

They finally convinced me I should really start to put an effort in finding something to keep me grounded. I don’t necessarily have a steady job but I really want to find someone out there to share a life with even though I and we haven’t figured something out yet. The problem is who exactly I want to be with in that relationship.

Not only who I want to date, but where I want to live and work in the future. I don’t have all the answers but I should really seek them. Then maybe finally I will get what I want.

Staring At Walls

Recently I was invited to a gathering, no more than 100. The atmosphere felt like a drunken wedding reception and frat party. Open bar, I had a few in me (if not 5). In my own stupor staring off at the mirrored walls of a ballroom, I saw everyone had brought someone here to this jovial dinner.

Mingling with everyone half drunken, I found out most of their company were girlfriends. Only a handful and myself came as a lone wolf. Laughing and gawking, everyone had someone to talk to and there I was lending a voice and and ear to anyone who seemed to be alone for the occasion.

I spent the entire evening until the early dawn listening to other people’s relationships, envious I didn’t have someone there. Rather than dancing and joking around, I became the boy who stared at the walls. Stoic but awkward, drunk but clear headed.

Post-Valentine’s Day

I am not sure if it’s just the allure of Valentine’s Day, but around the 14th I see a lot of couples out. More than I’m usually seeing, a lot more people are out and about spending time with significant others. I can’t help to think about how fabricated this day.

As a single individual in a sea of couples, it seems the loneliest day for those who don’t have that significant other. As much people try to reach out to include family, it’s weird to celebrate a romanticized day with family.

If I was in a relationship, I think I would do more with the 364 days than the one thematic day. Honestly the pandering of hearts, roses and red things a-plenty doesn’t bother me, the problem is some people buy into this day to be something special. Reality should be is not a special day but a special someone, isn’t it?

Looking upside to it, people seem happier during the season.

Day 24 – Attraction

As I am writing this, I am a bit hungover from a long night talking about relationship stuff. Ironically, today’s blog post about what I find attractive. In my past, I have learned a lot about people. Mainly people aren’t perfect; as much as you can expect someone to be at the state of perfection, there will always be flaws. Little bits that I would have to live with, living with it will be my compromise. As much this will turn many eligible women away, here I go to set it all down in words.

I look at attraction like a photograph and the main rule for photography, the rule of thirds. In rule is a guideline which places the subject in two thirds; in many ways, someone’s attractiveness can be divided in thirds. The first being compromises; she can have certain traits to an extent where I can still find it tolerable. To me, I think I would settle for someone wanting to be attached for the long term. As long term relationships go, it would just solidify my idea of how patient she can be with me. She can be vain at times, I’ve met girls who were obsessive and some not so into their beauty; this will be tough to keep in check but I will be willing to try.

With a third aside for flaws, the next two focus on looks and personality. “What does she look like?” My female readers out there will be relieved to hear, I am pretty accepting to how the right girl in my life would look. She can have any colour hair as long as she can wear it well. I do prefer the pale persuasion. Oh, and her body; definitely a healthy and eating body. As much as I can admit I like a slim woman, I would like her to be able to eat. Definitely dinner dates are in my future. Piercings, tats, smokers, drinkers? I’m open to the idea of her to having tats and sensible piercings, nothing too ridiculous but the only way I would know if I actually met her. As for smokers and drinkers, I find smokers a bit of turn off. Drinking I might be on the fence about because I like someone who can socially drink but I would like her to be non-alcoholic since I do try to be the same.

The second and last third of what I find someone attractive. Main point, lady with personality. Someone I can have a converse with, someone I feel comfortable around. Someone who can keep me in place because I’m usually all over the place. Someone with the same honest and respectful values as I do. She’s got an ear for music I can enjoy as well into music I like, she doesn’t have to like my music but at least consider it tolerable. I’m a bit weird and dorky, or so I’ve heard. She’s got to deal with that bit of me. I’m stubborn to change but willing to change if I feel good about it. She will need the patience to really handle my problems for I, too, am a flawed person.

Will I ever find the right woman? Perhaps not, but I’m an optimistic dreamer when it comes to my personal life. I’ll find her, hopefully one day.