Decades Out

How would you be in ten years? I the phantasm of my own yester years, am I just a reflection of an alteration of my previous self?

Though eloquent than “what the hell is wrong with me?” when it comes to see to past. The passing day I grow angry or sad because I think my old social media is slowly destroying me. In the past few years, a couple people I knew got married. Lucky them but the worst of all that is they’re my age. They’ve done so much while I sat here in the corner of the globe to watch boats and stare at ceilings. As much as I struggle, these people are finding themselves and each other. They’ve settled. While here I am irrepressible and depressed, like something is either wrong with me or it’s all a hateful game. Travelled the world, create a masterpiece, fall and stay in love. I’m the damned who could just achieve just one of these.

So one more of my Facebook friends (not my real friends) finally getting married. “Good for her” while secretly I wish I could find someone special like her. Why do I bother to get up if I can’t succeed at anything besides breathing? I just wish I could stare into that mirror and see a better self so I can have something to fight for than staring back the wishing face.

Social media isn’t good for me for sure, especially if I have “friends” sharing their intimate moments. I can’t let go but at the same time, I do.

Curse this modern age.

Remember when we were kids in school and they asked us what do you think you would be in 10 years? Still the same now as I was a decade ago and probably a decade out, secretly miserable and absently alone.

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The Other Side.

Recently at work, I have been on the opposite of where I was over a year ago. Rather than being the trainee, I was supporting the staff in training.

I had a year of learning my job and now looking back, it feels like a lifetime has passed since then; sitting in a remote field, I can’t help but think. It’s been almost a decade since I got out of school, almost two years into the second steady job I’ve had since I started working; this nostalgic feeling under the bough of this lone tree, I can’t help but crack a smile.

Sometimes, it does feel there isn’t enough time to really sit back and watch it all go by; life in it’s minute workings, then seeing a bit of yourself without your ego. You were once there and now here you are on the other side of the machine, the painting, the tableau. It’s beautiful knowing all he hardships have brought you have right back around, yet there is nothing you want more to keep going not matter how tiring it can be.

There may be days when it can be slow, mindless and monotonous. The know there are others around you coming from different backgrounds coming together for similar things, it’s something…zen about it. Even on a hot day where I want to do nothing but drink water and watch the clouds go by, just a bit of work in the mix made it something worthwhile.

Perhaps the most worthwhile things are those we don’t necessarily see but it is when we see it.

Time

“I’ll do it later”, this phase much like myself have said and thought many times. Many times before, I have this and little have been accomplished and little was ever explored. Recently I found myself thinking about time; in it’s power and fleeting, I could only cherish what I have left for it.

The last couple weeks I’ve been hard at work, task after completed task.  Always moving and doing, something I don’t mind when I’m not sore or tired. However this week was a very big push with much to do with very little hands to complete them. After a long day, a co-worker I rarely seen or spoke to asked if I wanted to join him for the evening to meet some people. By this time, I wanted to do nothing more to sleep or say “Maybe another time.” Insistent as he is, I agreed to go; I later found out, it was a dance class.

Not much of a dancer, I played with the notion of learning. For my first class, I did fairly well though if I did keep trying, I would be excel. As the instructor went through each routine in the corner of my eye, I saw this one girl. There were a lot of women in this class as well as men, I wasn’t too sure why she drew my attention. As the class winds down, I knew two things. First, I’m a terrible dancer. Secondly, I had to speak to her. Just an impulse I wanted to walk up and introduce myself. As awkward as I tried to not be with my introduction, I think I did a good job breaking the ice. We spend about an hour talking about her education and my work. We exchanged Facebook contacts.

Now two days after first contact, I come to realize later will always come but time is always running out. Of all the potential women I could’ve of asked out, I’ve chucked it to the the phrase “maybe later”. I spent my days saying rather than doing. Dreaming rather than working. As awkward this Easter can be, I really want to innovate myself. Perhaps this is the later I’ve been waiting for and now I can start living.

2007

I don’t know why but the obvious is true, it is 2015. The world is much different from 2008, all the emotions I’ve felt and experiences I’ve seen over the past year and a half reminds me of 2007.

Around 2007, I was still a teen in high school. my grades were terrible and my attitude was no better. I had hopes of a future and a direction I wanted to travel. The difference here and then is adulthood. I’m pretty sure I am not the only person who experience the cyclical nature of living. We fall in love, we become heart broken, cry a bit and repeat. The recent events in my life seem more or less what I have gone through almost a decade ago. Since then, I’ve fallen in love, found something I want to do and yet still underemployed. I’m even living in the same place in the same neighbourhood in the same city.

It could be a monotony getting to me but these are the patterns I have seen in myself. The only things that have changed are the minor successes that have brought me here. Of course beyond the blog, I rebooted my YouTube channel. Instead of playing day in and day out, I am on a schedule. Of course the schedule is set by my uploads. Still all I have set out for myself is a daily upload video upload schedule with a weekly blogging schedule. Though it’s a loose schedule, I think you would agree it’s a schedule no less.

Beyond the screen, I think I’ve made some minor successes to take me where I want to go and be. Recently I joined a gym close by and I’ve been going in for about an hour for a workout every couple days when the weather permits me from walking there. The toughest part was to really get over my shyness. I am still pretty shy around strangers but I think skirting around peak gym hours is a sound victory. I do have some employment much like 2007, it’s underemployment but it’s preferable than unemployment. Just beyond the horizon, I see myself living an active lifestyle. I’m more inclined to do things I like doing and I think that’s the advantage I have to take. Hopefully this is the right direction I need to take myself to a successful career path; also where I want my life to be, healthy and balanced.

I lived under the rule of others, what I can and cannot do. All it did was bring me back here in my mid-20’s. I think the most important point to take from this revelation is your life is yours to live and the limits other set are yours to break. No matter how you choose to break those limits, you will sooner or later would have to break out of those limits.

Until next time, break out of the cycle.

Post-Christmas, Pre-New Year’s Eve and Desktop Design Idea…Also Belated Anniversary

Addicted to video games, and still addicted to video games. It’s been about a few weeks since I really enjoy a good gaming session. Of course I’ve been logging into Star Trek Online for daily nudies from Q, but it’s not what I really want in terms of playing a game. On a laptop especially, gaming is pretty low quality or boring. What makes it worse is I can’t stream YouTube on my laptop but I can on my phone. First world problems; can’t stream YouTube in high quality. I have to admit, I’m quite fidgety awaiting for my next fix. I somewhat regret cracking open Blacklight Retribution before travelling for Christmas. Even with all this, I have a week and a half to go before I return to my desktop. Ugh, when I do; I will do and do it all night long (maybe).

Enough about me, I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Either opening present or eating Chinese food – or both! If none, then maybe New Year’s Eve will be interesting. Unfortunately, I will be alone for New Year’s; I’ll be joining the lonely few to drink, watch TV or hanging out on the internet. Okay to be honest, I’m counting days right now. I do think I’ve overstayed my welcome in the great land of the United States of America. I want to get home, get on a bunch of job listings and play video games non-stop.

In desperation, I’ve been sitting around the internet looking for small form factor desktop computers. Specifically that can be modular to handle upgrades like a regular sized desktop but designed to video games. Pretty much all I want inside a tiny box is a gaming PC that fits inside my backpack and will work everywhere where a monitor and internet is available. Follow up to that is a mouse and a foldable or super compact keyboard. I guess that’s what I should wish for next Christmas. Seriously, is it just me or does PC gaming should become a bit more mobile? Even just the desktop tower, it would be pretty neat to play wherever I go. In my head, I think it just needs to be in a small box containing nothing more than a power supply, hard drive, graphics card and the smallest motherboard with one of each video, a few USB, ethernet, audio, 2 PCI connectors. I may have described something already available but I would like something to be built towards playing desktop games than being a multimedia centre. Meaning higher processing power and the modular chipset so I can replace particular parts or adding parts. Get on it, PC manufacturers!

Though a possible compromise would be somehow to turn a briefcase to into a desktop. There is a few downsides to that idea but it would maintain the idea of a powerful mobile PC. The only downside I can see is if you leave it somewhere unattended, it may scare some people since people see bombs in movies as being hidden in a briefcase. In these days, I think people would rather fear for the worse. Regardless, still want to see a PC equivalent of the console. I’m really hung up on this because I miss playing my games for fun than just keeping up with daily grinding.

On a lighter note, this blog is now officially a few years old. That happened 23 days ago without much fanfare. I only noticed when WordPress.com sent me a notification. Surprisingly, it’s probably the third longest ongoing project in my life. The journey here is more or less a love/hate relationship. Days I never wanted to share my thoughts and the days I can write until my wrists and fingers go sore. In the last few years, I remind myself that this blog is about me and my ramblings. Not for sale for the highest bidder but a reflecting pool for myself and maybe for some of you. This blog is about the good times and the worst I can experience. For the highs and lulls and my small repository of wisdom and knowledge, hopefully it is how it reads. No matter how hard 2013 was for us and those who just subscribed, look back on it and think about how that changed you. Regardless of the pride or regret, the experience of every passing year is an opportunity for the future. Without your past, there is no future. Without an outlook for the future, the past means nothing. So for all of you, all +120, I would like to thank you for being on my journey. To think of it; if my blog is a commercial airplane, you would all be my passengers and I would be the captain and pilot. After a few years in service, I’m pretty happy I haven’t crashed it.

Until next year readers, happy new years!

Summer’s ending…next week…

Okay, this weekend kind of sucked so much. I take that back, the past couple weeks sucked so much. Like it’s been more and more of a down experience and a confident middle finger to everything I’m trying to get out. I honestly don’t know where to really start since it’s been one sad slap to the face.

Started when my sister berated me over submitting my military application. Telling my to submit with what I have now. I would feel more confident if I have all the requisites filled and filed rather than “just hand it in”. I’ve never told her to pay her tuition with the money out of her pocket since “that’s all you have, it’s good enough”. I’m not an asshole, I do what I do best – play the game. Anyways, if she wants me too I’ll do it. But only if I can get a bet in there somewhere to prove her the repercussions of her arrogance. I know she’s trying to help me out. However, this is a really large shot in the arm that might not be worth taking. Stupid is what stupid does.

Last week up to Saturday, I’ve been following up on Jack Layton’s funeral and the whole orchestrated procession through Toronto. Though the state funeral was a nice upgrade from the humble funeral he might’ve received, I still think a quiet one would’ve been perfect. That’s just me though on how people should really go. I mean in a humbling way and not in a mass public spectacle. Just something to leave the world with a single thought about itself and not about yourself. Admittedly I’m pretty young to think about death, death itself is serendipitous. Could take many decades for me, but still a likelihood death’s doorstep is just around the next action I take. Maybe it’s time I should really write up and keep a will in case. My career might get dangerous and I wouldn’t mind keeping something to make sure all the good stuff goes back to my family (or to science). Either affect, I’ve been feeling pretty down about thinking of both.

With summer coming to a close, every fleeting moment reminds me of what I’ve pretty much done all summer. I have to admit, I did truly try. Completed or attempted a lot of things. Renewed my vision on how I should live my life. Time well spent.

So how’s everyone’s summer?