The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. I haven’t been able to be in a peachy mood for awhile and I’m starting to feel the mood that can only be described as “The Infinite Sadness”.
Being away from home has taken a toll on me since I’ve done nothing but become a workoholic. Spending everyday tiring myself out and repeating; however the work varies but it’s the same principle, work then sleep. With that, I’ve missed a few meals here and there. I’ve been down this road before and it’s kind of how I noticed I’m not doing too good, the lack of food and the need to drink. While we’re on the subject of drinking, I do drink alcohol. I’m an adult, I know when to stop. Recently I’ve been spiralling into madness with it, I’ve been drinking heavily and alone. Likely not the two best signs of a cheery chap.
After coming home last week for a short break from work, all I did was sit and sleep. Also video games; mindless video game violence. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I use to; still shower and maintain my own personal hygiene but outside of that, I haven’t done much. Still taking my medication but I think the stress has outpaced the medication. Which is surprising if it is since I trust the medication to last me through the day. I did notice the effects slowly wearing off. Started with a midday slump right after lunch, then it was like an old car engine sputtering to a crawl. Then, there was nothing. No second wind. No miracle recovery. Just the driver in his broken down car.
I still have a couple weeks left on my medication. I could get it refilled, worth a shot though I live 200km away from my pharmacist at the moment and it might be a bother to get a month’s worth for just two more weeks.
Maybe just hold out, just a bit longer. Then hope things will get better.
This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.
Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry. But where was I?
I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.
How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.
Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.
Why can’t I be me?
Recently I had the opportunity to take part of brainstorming an alternate universe, a universe which could someday be. I always want to think about a different place and time, something beyond the here and now.
Fantasy is something I enjoy a lot when I can’t reach out and obtain it. It’s kind of odd to imagine a world without the USA, but a conversation directed to it gave it an interesting thought. I’m not much into political science but I couldn’t help to wonder how the states of union would go their own ways.
I guess it’s why I like tactical games, getting the control and to play the person in control. At the same time, which is why I like the loss of control in a survival game. In survival it’s all about thinking to regain some control. Always out of reach in a survival, a good survival game would keep me seeking control.
The appeal of video games, it can take me away yet keep me rooted to reality.
It’s been somewhat eventful, somewhat being tiring and I’ve been trying to push myself through the paces. I’ve pushed out all the photos from the accounts I have on Facebook and Google to 500px, still haven’t updated my banner here so that’s my bad. However I’ve been trying to be more out and about snapping photos since now I have 20 photos allocated a week. Trying to not be a competition but I’ve been uploading about a 10 a week so far.
Since the 17th, I haven’t uploaded any videos to YouTube. I love to play Tropico but I think the there isn’t much encouragement. However I would like to pull off a Prison Architect and just try everything until I’m ready to move on. Meanwhile Star Trek Online is having an event so I’m trying to farm stuff from the events. A new ship and new item set; with sleeping in and work, this is mentally exhausting me at an incredible rate.
Hopefully this week will be something worth looking forward to do more than I did this past week. I really need to balance my life a bit more if I ever will have the chance to get where I want to be in my life.
This is definitely the last post for 2016, just in time and I doubt any of you will read this at the very last minute.
I don’t show much of my hobbies on my blog. The last time was when I gave you guys a tiny peek at my photography skills. Recently, I was back at it with my camera. I’m starting to really enjoy it. I love composing a shot, dialling in the focus and hearing the click. There is something thrilling about playing with the shutter and lighting. Maybe 2017 I’ll finally upload some photos.
However this recent excursion was disturbing to me. Might have been because I was carrying a camera or not, but it just seems respect is thrown out the window on Boxing Day. I was bumped and pushed aside in a downtown mall as I was taking pictures. It was late in the evening and yet people were running around like crazy trying to get deals already claimed in the morning. Drives me bonkers how Christmas turned into an occasion to spend money than helping others and Bring people together. It gets worse since somehow in the holiday greed, people lose sense of sensible civility in terms of manners. The “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me”, seems to come mostly from people in their 20’s and under. I don’t know what school’s are teaching kids these days, manners is definitely something slowly losing ground in a modern society.
Perhaps in 2017 all around the world, can we please be nicer and polite to each other than worrying about the bottom line? Thank you and have a nice day!
I think this year I might want to try and commit to some interests for myself. The past year or so I have weened onto photography and off of fitness. I really want best of everything I do. I’ve been playing as much video games in the past month solely because I have so much time on my hands, yet I haven’t felt bold enough to hit the gym. Same with photography once the snow came down. I really want to exercise and take in photos on my spare time; however this cold is turning me into a big of a lethargic person. Perhaps it’s not just the cold, recent misfortunes have begotten me to remain indoor and the solstice has kept me indoors after 6.
I should join a group or something in the city or have a photography partner and definitely keep trying to make the time to go to the gym.
I’m almost done with work. Just a couple more weeks, then I’m going on a month long gaming binge. Recently I’ve been spending a couple hours a day at a time recording and editing. It’s been kind of bit slow since I haven’t hit the gym in a couple month, I should return to the gym but video games are so much fun. I would like to push hard to record all those games I bought so many moons ago, all 4 games. I doubt I would complete them within the month since most of them are sandbox games; I would like to at least finish Prison Architect, Call To Arms and one more (Skyrim if I can binge the entire game). Speaking of which, I’m about $30 away from owning the entire Skyrim collection; just two more DLC’s!
Speaking of games, I’ve been looking around to all the people I’ve met who would like to play more cooperative stuff. The last coop recording I did was in Insurgency which was fun, but I think I should do something different and interesting. Trying to see if there is a game I have and someone wants to spend a few months or more on it. Space Engineers does take forever to get somewhere interesting. I have Star Trek Online, I could do the story campaigns with someone in odd ships. I might return to The Long Dark, not co-op but I would like to at least die in the game. However The Long Dark suffered more like Stardew Valley where I lost interest. Ryan, the guy who I use to play a lot of Pulsar:Lost Colony, had Empyrion: Galactic Survival but I would like to go the survival stuff with a partner or a group. Especially starting from scratch and ending with a large ship or completing the massive project.
As I’m editing my gameplay, I’ve been watching a lot of livestreams. Not sure if I ever mentioned or tried to look up what I need to stream, but I recently looked up how much I really need to stream in HD. Safe to say, I’m no way close to a bandwidth to stream; maybe a 480p stream, could be less. So I can hardly play a game with a live audience, maybe some day when Canadian ISP’s were cheaper. For now and until next time, I’ll keep recording and playing.