Perhaps I’m not a teenager anymore, but in the past I was one and more recently I’ve been reverting back into one. Growing up, I never had an adolescence like a lot of the teens do. I could point fingers but to say I wish I could do all the cliché teen things would be an understatement.
When I was 15 going on 16, I still didn’t have any friends to talk confide in; I had peers which I would hardly trust on a good day. I wanted to be a bit more fit but my tubby Asian body and my own teenage laziness said otherwise. I wanted (if you want to believe this) to fall in love and keep on dating my own high school sweetheart. However happy endings go, I never seen it. When I watch this feel good romances (or some “fit” dude hocking his new workout routine) on my computer, it reminds me of high school and all the things I never did because I never felt I was good enough for it all.
Now coming into my mid-20’s, I know my time as a teen is decades ago. I feel I missed out on the innocence and beauty that is seeing the world with fresh eyes. There are days I feel broken hearted, lost and empty. Feels like I missed a lot of opportunities I should’ve tried even back then I would have only imagined. Guess with age, we all get a bit bolder on our past; our “what if’s” become our “should have’s”. Out of the infinite possibilities in an infinite universe, we live within this infinite possibility. We chose to be here; I made all the choices, good and bad, to get here. Am I still fulfilled? To put it in many perspectives of many quandaries into one is difficult enough.
“Could I have done better in all my classes to get at least a B+ or equivalent?”
“Should I have been more involved into clubs or groups?”
“Should I have asked all those girls I had a crush on al those years if they wanted to go out with me?”
That last one weighs a lot to me considering how my experience with women is now. Being in my 20’s and out of school, dating is more difficult when you’re not stuck in the same box. I had many opportunities to ask a lot of girls out; as embarrassing as it sounds, I know at least a few girls I had some attraction towards. I never explored if it was romantic, platonic or just physical. Now here I am asking myself if I will ever find true love. “Where’s my one true love?” I keep asking, even now.
After dating a couple girls, I realize true love is insane. So insane it’s the reason I’m willing to wait to see it through. I am a gamer and insanity is always the challenge. Out of all the girl-wanting testosterone fuel rambling, confidence was something I never had and I have yet earned. Lacking in, I have an abundance of regret I try to carry hidden inside. Knowing well I will never able to undo the past, but I can write my own future.
Sure, I may not be a teenager anymore but I still have time to be youthful. I would concede I may never fall in love at 16 or go to prom with her, but I have the rest of my life to find the girl to slow dance with under the stars with our song soothing our ears. Sooner would be preferable for all my youth is now. In my life, I hardly have any memories worthy to recollect. Those that I remember, I remember fondly; of pure love and hope for the future, not alone anymore but full of purpose.