nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: rambling

Long Imaginings

Recently I had the opportunity to take part of brainstorming an alternate universe, a universe which could someday be. I always want to think about a different place and time, something beyond the here and now.

Fantasy is something I enjoy a lot when I can’t reach out and obtain it. It’s kind of odd to imagine a world without the USA, but a conversation directed to it gave it an interesting thought. I’m not much into political science but I couldn’t help to wonder how the states of union would go their own ways.

I guess it’s why I like tactical games, getting the control and to play the person in control. At the same time, which is why I like the loss of control in a survival game. In survival it’s all about thinking to regain some control. Always out of reach in a survival, a good survival game would keep me seeking control.

The appeal of video games, it can take me away yet keep me rooted to reality.

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Post-Valentine’s Day

I am not sure if it’s just the allure of Valentine’s Day, but around the 14th I see a lot of couples out. More than I’m usually seeing, a lot more people are out and about spending time with significant others. I can’t help to think about how fabricated this day.

As a single individual in a sea of couples, it seems the loneliest day for those who don’t have that significant other. As much people try to reach out to include family, it’s weird to celebrate a romanticized day with family.

If I was in a relationship, I think I would do more with the 364 days than the one thematic day. Honestly the pandering of hearts, roses and red things a-plenty doesn’t bother me, the problem is some people buy into this day to be something special. Reality should be is not a special day but a special someone, isn’t it?

Looking upside to it, people seem happier during the season.

Oddity.

Recently I started to watch a few documentaries on YouTube, there is some quality of a documentary I feel compelled to watch. Most I’ve seen were about half an hour the minimum and it took me to a lot of places in human society. The civil wars in the middle east and northern Africa, the hyper cyber culture of South Korea and Japan, the drug wars in South and Central America. It’s interesting the topics and views you would encounter that will pull you into viewing the entire doc.

The strangest thing I’ve noticed when I watch documentaries, the topics are very localized in those areas. The examination of depression and suicide is always in a developed country, gaming culture is in a western young adults basement or on the pro circuits in Korea, pollution topics in our lakes and polar caps. There are a lot of issues with the world, most of our own doing. The human condition is varied all around the world, what seems strange to us is a norm to them.

There are places in perpetual war and death and sadness is becoming an issue in developed countries because of anything and everything. It’s interesting how these short films deliver the truth but skirts around the phrase “at least we’re not like these people”. What it is like to live on this planet varies from region to region, changes from economic and political variabilities. You can be born poor and living in he worst place in this world to one day live in mediocrity, but it can be vice versa from rich to poor.

The human experience is crazy because everything you can do can change and everything will happen could change what your can do well after. As objective we can point things in a perspective, subjective we have our own perspectives.

Memorable Future

Perhaps I’m not a teenager anymore, but in the past I was one and more recently I’ve been reverting back into one. Growing up, I never had an adolescence like a lot of the teens do. I could point fingers but to say I wish I could do all the cliché teen things would be an understatement.

When I was 15 going on 16, I still didn’t have any friends to talk confide in; I had peers which I would hardly trust on a good day. I wanted to be a bit more fit but my tubby Asian body and my own teenage laziness said otherwise. I wanted (if you want to believe this) to fall in love and keep on dating my own high school sweetheart. However happy endings go, I never seen it. When I watch this feel good romances (or some “fit” dude hocking his new workout routine) on my computer, it reminds me of high school and all the things I never did because I never felt I was good enough for it all.

Now coming into my mid-20’s, I know my time as a teen is decades ago. I feel I missed out on the innocence and beauty that is seeing the world with fresh eyes. There are days I feel broken hearted, lost and empty. Feels like I missed a lot of opportunities I should’ve tried even back then I would have only imagined. Guess with age, we all get a bit bolder on our past; our “what if’s” become our “should have’s”. Out of the infinite possibilities in an infinite universe, we live within this infinite possibility. We chose to be here; I made all the choices, good and bad, to get here. Am I still fulfilled? To put it in many perspectives of many quandaries into one is difficult enough.

“Could I have done better in all my classes to get at least a B+ or equivalent?”

“Should I have been more involved into clubs or groups?”

“Should I have asked all those girls I had a crush on al those years if they wanted to go out with me?”

That last one weighs a lot to me considering how my experience with women is now. Being in my 20’s and out of school, dating is more difficult when you’re not stuck in the same box. I had many opportunities to ask a lot of girls out; as embarrassing as it sounds, I know at least a few girls I had some attraction towards. I never explored if it was romantic, platonic or just physical. Now here I am asking myself if I will ever find true love. “Where’s my one true love?” I keep asking, even now.

After dating a couple girls, I realize true love is insane. So insane it’s the reason I’m willing to wait to see it through. I am a gamer and insanity is always the challenge. Out of all the girl-wanting testosterone fuel rambling, confidence was something I never had and I have yet earned. Lacking in, I have an abundance of regret I try to carry hidden inside. Knowing well I will never able to undo the past, but I can write my own future.

Sure, I may not be a teenager anymore but I still have time to be youthful. I would concede I may never fall in love at 16 or go to prom with her, but I have the rest of my life to find the girl to slow dance with under the stars with our song soothing our ears. Sooner would be preferable for all my youth is now. In my life, I hardly have any memories worthy to recollect. Those that I remember, I remember fondly; of pure love and hope for the future, not alone anymore but full of purpose.