“Loneliness Kills”

Before I begin, happy belated new years. It’s been a month but I’ve been in a terrible mood. A few things happened after new years that really got me down for a couple weeks in January. The latter weeks have been trying to push myself away from those thoughts. Nothing more than work and video games trying to keep those thoughts away. At the same time, I’ve neglected on taking photos but I’ve managed to get myself outside. I managed to shoot a hockey game, which makes it the first sports event I’ve capture. Besides that, I haven’t been must productive.

Which is kind of why I haven’t been writing regularly. I have been lonely, sometimes feeling seperate from myself. As much as routine keeps my mind off things, I come home and left to my own devices. The worst has past but being isolated for so long has put me back into hold habits. I have been eating irregularly, sleep schedule is off, more time to fade into the fantasy of video games.

As a guy, it’s a bit tough to really talk about this stuff. When I mentioned it to my manager by accident, I spent an hour discussing it at work. I opened up with my entire life story, to a stranger no less. Honestly feel very uncomfortable talking this to anyone let alone strangers. There was nothing new to really relay and it just reinforcing where I am right now.

“Loneliness kills.”

“That’s sad.”

“I am fortunate.”

“Why not act?” Prefixing, succinctly “I’ve done everything I can to preserve my emotional and mental well being.”

Phrases that no longer pains me as much. I really can’t convey how numbing it is when nothing can’t be done and everything goes in circle. I don’t know how the conversation lead to my personal situation. In any case, I felt too vulnerable and knowing I said it makes me feel even more vulnerable.

Which makes me want to withdraw even more, like I have done many times including recently.

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The Last Gentleman

This is definitely the last post for 2016, just in time and I doubt any of you will read this at the very last minute.

I don’t show much of my hobbies on my blog. The last time was when I gave you guys a tiny peek at my photography skills. Recently, I was back at it with my camera. I’m starting to really enjoy it. I love composing a shot, dialling in the focus and hearing the click. There is something thrilling about playing with the shutter and lighting. Maybe 2017 I’ll finally upload some photos.

However this recent excursion was disturbing to me. Might have been because I was carrying a camera or not, but it just seems respect is thrown out the window on Boxing Day. I was bumped and pushed aside in a downtown mall as I was taking pictures. It was late in the evening and yet people were running around like crazy trying to get deals already claimed in the morning. Drives me bonkers how Christmas turned into an occasion to spend money than helping others and Bring people together. It gets worse since somehow in the holiday greed, people lose sense of sensible civility in terms of manners. The “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me”, seems to come mostly from people in their 20’s and under. I don’t know what school’s are teaching kids these days, manners is definitely something slowly losing ground in a modern society.

Perhaps in 2017 all around the world, can we please be nicer and polite to each other than worrying about the bottom line? Thank you and have a nice day!

Resolutions 2017

I think this year I might want to try and commit to some interests for myself. The past year or so I have weened onto photography and off of fitness. I really want best of everything I do. I’ve been playing as much video games in the past month solely because I have so much time on my hands, yet I haven’t felt bold enough to hit the gym. Same with photography once the snow came down. I really want to exercise and take in photos on my spare time; however this cold is turning me into a big of a lethargic person. Perhaps it’s not just the cold, recent misfortunes have begotten me to remain indoor and the solstice has kept me indoors after 6.

I should join a group or something in the city or have a photography partner and definitely keep trying to make the time to go to the gym.

Resolutions 2016

This is starting to feel like a yearly topic about new years resolutions. I personally don’t believe starting a new year with something new. A dramatic change in your life will now change your forever, for me making quick changes leads to quick disappointments.

To me it doesn’t matter what you have said to commit yourself to this line of activity; whether you want to write more, be more fit, earn more or do more of the things. Resolutions to me notifications of how less I did last year so I push myself early on this year to do more. In reality I really want to do more in the entire year rather than the first month. A resolution for new years shouldn’t be anything more than to let you know what you could potentially do, not of what yourself should push hard to do more.

I’m about a year into my last resolution was work out more, it didn’t necessarily start out as a gym membership and a everyday schedule. It started with realizing what I could do and just going out and finding the means to do it. At first, push ups next my computer; months later I upgraded to a gym membership since I outgrew the basics I could do alone. Now in 2016, I’m still at it; lifting and running since 2015. Not because of a resolution, but I noticed I wanted something a bit more for myself.

Resolutions to me are the wake up call. The commitment and the will to change comes from within to continue and persevere. Do you have what it takes to continue or whither? We all want to be a better, but it will take a little time to be the better of ourselves.

The Zero Fun Year – 2014

So already 4 days into this year, yet so far it’s been kind of disappointing considering all the circumstance I have put myself in through the past week. Though I must admit spending Christmas with people I care about was a joy, New Years was the complete polar opposite to that effect. Of course I knew I was going to be alone for new years until the end of the week, but it would’ve been a bit nice if I felt like I had a choice. I guess my life isn’t making choices but just playing it as a game regardless of the rules.

With all the things I never fixed in 2013, endurance is my unfortunate game. With all the things around me pushing me to the breaking point, I can definitely say I’m pretty much either going to bear down for this year or take the beating. My mantra of last year won’t help at all; as the Borg would say, “resistance is futile”. So reflecting back on my failures of 2013, I just only have two I really have to approve upon. First being my employment situation; bottom line, need a job. Minimum requirements for the job: something I can do, minimum wage, room to improve. Second primary objective will be my mental well being; which at the end of 2013, it was either “I hate my whole life” or “it all sucks but I don’t hate it”. That one’s going to be tougher than employment, sadly employment in my situation must come first. Even as revellers in Times Square rejoiced, I despised the whole lot of them; being with people they care about or people caring about them. Then like as it was previous years past, the few days public displays of affection is tolerated on TV. To be frank, I probably sat there drunk on New Years for the first so I really have no recollection of what really happened, said, or done. In a small way, I’m pretty gratified.

Either the 30 minutes of sleep is getting to me for the fact that I just had a terrible New Years, is what I feel like I should drag myself through the mud. To never see the light of day ever again, just buckle in and set myself up this year to just do what I can when I can. Sounds defeatist, but in a way I don’t want to lose what I’ve gained over the past couple years and what I’ve accomplished in 2013; despite the fact the list of accomplishments would be shorter than my buzz cut. Benefits always returns with consequences; whether it is love at the expensive of a broken heart, attention to be forgotten or an opinion well ignored. There are times I do feel like those moments where everything opposite happens and I can only hate myself for letting this happen. Seems to be I turned out to be my worse hater thanks in part from teacher and principals telling me “the only person to blame is yourself”. Once again ladies and gents, education has failed me again! Makes matters worse, I feel uneasy with some grey ideas; in this instance, not blaming anyone. Someone started it, ignoring it would only instigate more instances. That would be like you knowing the murderer but you can’t blame the murderer for murder and you can’t blame yourself for letting the murder happen. Point being; born and raised to only blame myself, definitely born and raised to self-loathe and have a low or negative self-esteem. Maybe it’s something worth seeing a psychiatrist about when I come around to it; probably a psychologist (if my health care can cover it).

Personal issues aside, I am professionally not doing so well; mainly the profession portion. I spend the last year going through applications upon applications with no responses. Though I had one job for a month, it wasn’t really worth my time; humbling as it was, it was dead-end. Any advancement would be if I could drive a truck or work in a colder environment. This year, probably have the same amount of luck; lots of outgoing resumes with no response. “How hard is it to find a job?” With my history, apparently shockingly tough. Can’t even get an unpaid internship and yes, I have tried. Which is the little strangeness about the society I live in; once you get a job, you’re pretty much locked in until your piece of paper is worth more than your life or you spent most of your time proving that expensive piece of paper was worth your time. Either of those points gets you into legalized slave labour – I mean, unpaid internships; or they land you into a job which you spend the next decade paying off as well as have social pressures to buy a house and/or a car then to have a family to later be able to retire early. If that doesn’t float your boat and you happen to be in my situation, get damn lucky at a dead end job where work conditions are borderline illegal and you make enough to afford one a day and pay for other things or 2 meals but you get no money on anything else. If anything, I think employers should set their standards low. If the job can be done by anyone, hire anyone. Sell clothes? Hire anyone. Do basic math? Hire anyone. Move stuff? Hire anybody! The only time you really need someone who knows something complex is if it needs to be fixed or designed, examples being a body part, engine component, or a computer. End of the day, it’s likely people with less qualifications to get more jobs and higher education actually plays a role in teaching something worthwhile. Never will it happen so I’m stuck sending out resumes in hopes of my qualifications is enough to help you sell you some damn food.

Until next time; welcome to 2014 – the year where fun ends.

Post-Christmas, Pre-New Year’s Eve and Desktop Design Idea…Also Belated Anniversary

Addicted to video games, and still addicted to video games. It’s been about a few weeks since I really enjoy a good gaming session. Of course I’ve been logging into Star Trek Online for daily nudies from Q, but it’s not what I really want in terms of playing a game. On a laptop especially, gaming is pretty low quality or boring. What makes it worse is I can’t stream YouTube on my laptop but I can on my phone. First world problems; can’t stream YouTube in high quality. I have to admit, I’m quite fidgety awaiting for my next fix. I somewhat regret cracking open Blacklight Retribution before travelling for Christmas. Even with all this, I have a week and a half to go before I return to my desktop. Ugh, when I do; I will do and do it all night long (maybe).

Enough about me, I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Either opening present or eating Chinese food – or both! If none, then maybe New Year’s Eve will be interesting. Unfortunately, I will be alone for New Year’s; I’ll be joining the lonely few to drink, watch TV or hanging out on the internet. Okay to be honest, I’m counting days right now. I do think I’ve overstayed my welcome in the great land of the United States of America. I want to get home, get on a bunch of job listings and play video games non-stop.

In desperation, I’ve been sitting around the internet looking for small form factor desktop computers. Specifically that can be modular to handle upgrades like a regular sized desktop but designed to video games. Pretty much all I want inside a tiny box is a gaming PC that fits inside my backpack and will work everywhere where a monitor and internet is available. Follow up to that is a mouse and a foldable or super compact keyboard. I guess that’s what I should wish for next Christmas. Seriously, is it just me or does PC gaming should become a bit more mobile? Even just the desktop tower, it would be pretty neat to play wherever I go. In my head, I think it just needs to be in a small box containing nothing more than a power supply, hard drive, graphics card and the smallest motherboard with one of each video, a few USB, ethernet, audio, 2 PCI connectors. I may have described something already available but I would like something to be built towards playing desktop games than being a multimedia centre. Meaning higher processing power and the modular chipset so I can replace particular parts or adding parts. Get on it, PC manufacturers!

Though a possible compromise would be somehow to turn a briefcase to into a desktop. There is a few downsides to that idea but it would maintain the idea of a powerful mobile PC. The only downside I can see is if you leave it somewhere unattended, it may scare some people since people see bombs in movies as being hidden in a briefcase. In these days, I think people would rather fear for the worse. Regardless, still want to see a PC equivalent of the console. I’m really hung up on this because I miss playing my games for fun than just keeping up with daily grinding.

On a lighter note, this blog is now officially a few years old. That happened 23 days ago without much fanfare. I only noticed when WordPress.com sent me a notification. Surprisingly, it’s probably the third longest ongoing project in my life. The journey here is more or less a love/hate relationship. Days I never wanted to share my thoughts and the days I can write until my wrists and fingers go sore. In the last few years, I remind myself that this blog is about me and my ramblings. Not for sale for the highest bidder but a reflecting pool for myself and maybe for some of you. This blog is about the good times and the worst I can experience. For the highs and lulls and my small repository of wisdom and knowledge, hopefully it is how it reads. No matter how hard 2013 was for us and those who just subscribed, look back on it and think about how that changed you. Regardless of the pride or regret, the experience of every passing year is an opportunity for the future. Without your past, there is no future. Without an outlook for the future, the past means nothing. So for all of you, all +120, I would like to thank you for being on my journey. To think of it; if my blog is a commercial airplane, you would all be my passengers and I would be the captain and pilot. After a few years in service, I’m pretty happy I haven’t crashed it.

Until next year readers, happy new years!

Christmas, New Years and a New Game

As of today, I’ve added one more game to the list of games played. Before taking off for Christmas, I got myself into playing Blacklight Retribution. It’s a sci-fi shooter from Zombie Inc. and published by Perfect World Entertainment. Coming from one of their other products, I might as well take advantage of the account provided to me to play another game without the need of another game client. She’s a hefty download and my desktop doesn’t stand much of a chance for graphics, but I found the game to be a good change of pace from the RPG world of Star Trek Online. With the remaining hard drive space, I think this would be a good investment until I cap out like STO. I’ll probably make a review after I’ve tried as much I think is sufficient.

Thus far, I’ve signed up for the game for their recent update called “Onslaught” which is a PvE game mode addition. In short, it looks like a zombie mode. Aside from their update, I wanted to try their weapon customization. I’ve tried a lot of games with weapon modifications, but Blacklight seems to be much more in depth and I am pretty interested to see how these changes would work in their PvE and PvP environments. But anyways, more later on when I have a good feel for the game.

The current situation in real life is I’m spending time with milady for Christmas through the week of New Years before going home. Though I’m out here for the second time in the last two months, I’m going to take all the free time I have to find a job through online job boards and listings. I got to stay productive even when I’m having fun now I guess; that’s part of adulthood right? I better land a job somewhere within a couple months starting January. Even if it means planning it out by logging sent applications and such, I really need to get this done! I’m pretty into my games so hopefully I can get this done.

So I guess that’s my new year’s resolution and wish for Santa. I just want a paying job. Preferably slightly above minimum, a bit safe, laborious and I get some new  skills out of the entire deal. So Santa; please hook me up.

Until next time, happy holidays!

Got better…yay. Got ill again…damn it…

Hey readers, I’m all better in the whole coughing, stuffed nose, and fever department. I spent my first day of 2013 with something very normal, going to the local clinic. I was all better up in the face region; oh wait, back up to early December.

So I woke up one morning and stood up. I felt this harsh tingling sensation emanating from around my calf. At first, I shrugged it off since I sometimes wake up with a stiff leg from putting it to sleep with the other leg. At first it wasn’t so bad until Christmas, yup I got sick while sick. Well I didn’t know it at first, I thought it was just my body going through a phase. Since my face was crammed with germs, I took it as an opportunity to just take it easy and get better. Sure, I got better one way but my leg was constantly reminding me the painful predicament I was in.

So back to first day I feel well enough for the urban outdoors, I was fed up with this pain in my leg so I got it checked out. The news was okay, it wasn’t the leg but was part of my nervous system. A prescription for pain relievers and some stretching later, I was back at home contemplating my situation.

I’ve been medication free for the past couple months and now on a small dose of medication to treat something I should be having in my early 30’s. My state of mind after a week long ordeal of staring at blank walls is on the edge of going back to high school me. Trust me, high school me is super depressing; at least now I’m just depressed. You really have to be me to really understand the problem I’m in – the physical debilitating the mental, the enduring body of the fatigued mind. After I’ve been through which could come out as one of the top ten ways of a bad New Years, losing a bit of hope is a small price to pay.

The champagne has been drunk, the bar hoppers are back to work, the New Year is over; I’m the last person ready to for a bit of fun. If not fun, at least forced into making resolutions that can backfire. First, never get sick or ill for this year. Second, start on this thing called adulthood by getting a job. Third, enjoy life. Those are pretty simple, how can I possibly fudge it all up?

Happy new sickness…

Sorry guys for the lapse in content. There were some unforeseen consequences in the fact that I got sick and wicked bedridden for the last few days. I thought spending time with people I like to hang out with would be nice, but I guess Santa Clause thought I was super naughty and gave me an illness. Lets rewind back and give you the full story.

T’was the week of Christmas, playing some STO.

Then I got a text from my sis saying “D&D, wanna go?”

Leapt from my chair and donned my coat, I marched through the white,

Might’ve stopped by Subways, for a small bite.

Moving through slush, I reached the steps up.

Got in and was invited with a full teacup.

Boldly we rolled our characters, a Dwarf of healing.

Had a feeling we would all be wiping.

Into forests we traverse to a world unknown.

“Hey getting pizza, what you want?” a female tone.

…okay, I’m sick so this rhyming, is heavy on head.

I felt sick after that and went home to bed.

 

After Christmas I felt the symptoms; coughing, headache, sore throat. So I did my best to rest. Right before the Eve, thats when it got all worse. I woke up with a fever and my body was just tired. So I stayed in bed until my fever broke, and it did after a few days with most of the symptoms. Almost day four, and I’m trying to choke out the coughing. Rest and fluids should help, but I still have a headache. In a house full of noise, well it’s to rid it. I do my best to sleep when it’s loud and try to do what I can to not make it worse. But this headaches gone so far, I want to shut them all up by with some germ warfare with my coughing. On the upside, I got some neat gifts. Without any hard drive space, I am going to have to play them one at a time. 

I was able to get some headway with Skyrim with the Dawnguard DLC. After, maybe run around in the nuclear wasteland of New Vegas in Fallout. However I do want to pay GLaDoS a quick visit in Portal 2 and maybe try some player made creations. 

Well, I wish the Internet can help me recover right now from my illness. I don’t know, somehow feed me chicken noodle soup through my Playbook. I could use some warm delicious soup with chunky chicken bits.

Until that day comes, I’m going back to staring at my ceiling in the dark. Until next week, I hope you all had a better [insert holiday here] and a hangover-free New Year. Now back to bed….

Ironic year of stats and stuff (My year in one post)

Well this year has had its ups and downs for me. Especially with all that didn’t happen, even more flip-flopping than usual. Spending the year to blog was one of the nice things that as happened; though this has been around since 2010. It hasn’t evolved much in terms of what its used for, venting and game if not both. For the large part, I’ll spare you the droning and give you my top things of the year in no particular order.

Battlefield 3
The long waited successor to the franchise. Has highs and lows in terms of feedback, but one game I’m keeping on my system for the rest of the year.

Curiousity Rover
NASA launched this new rover just recently with many gadgets at its disposal. One day, habitation on Mars will be a reality. If not, just sent a nuke the size of a small buggy.

F2P Star Trek Online
Technically next year, but the beta came out this November and will be open in mid-January. So I’m STOked over STO.

YouTube Facelift
That change to me made things way simpler in handling how I watch a view videos. From fails to favorite funnies, everything simple but in a new sleek form.

WordPress
Oh yes, my one great pastime. As of this December, it has been one year my blog has started. Not so bad considering the content I’ve created the past year.a

Though it is a short list, it’s a small look of how my world has been. Though it’s full of glory and regret. Retrospectively, it was very neutral in terms of what affected me positively and negatively.

Next year is going to be extra special, not just for doomsday. Well doomsday is going to be an interesting since will or will not happen. By a large chance, nothing will happen since the stories may just as well be just that. If it is the end, at least I won’t regret a lot of stuff. End of the world when I am most content, very poetic. If it’s just all hype, then more opportunities for job openings. I need employment so it’s a great chance of finding one, right? At any rate, blah blah blah overqualified people yada yada yada need job.

Aside from that, some new things coming up for the new year. First thing is a software review, stay tuned for that. While I’m at it, the usual shenanigans will continue as long with the long awaited Star Trek Online free-to-play. Like maybe about a few days after launch since I will be far from my rig for launch; by then time I return, I may set up an RP blog and maybe begin Fun Fest every Friday.

Aside from that; as the odometer turns over, a new adventure awaits down the road.