Before I begin, happy belated new years. It’s been a month but I’ve been in a terrible mood. A few things happened after new years that really got me down for a couple weeks in January. The latter weeks have been trying to push myself away from those thoughts. Nothing more than work and video games trying to keep those thoughts away. At the same time, I’ve neglected on taking photos but I’ve managed to get myself outside. I managed to shoot a hockey game, which makes it the first sports event I’ve capture. Besides that, I haven’t been must productive.
Which is kind of why I haven’t been writing regularly. I have been lonely, sometimes feeling seperate from myself. As much as routine keeps my mind off things, I come home and left to my own devices. The worst has past but being isolated for so long has put me back into hold habits. I have been eating irregularly, sleep schedule is off, more time to fade into the fantasy of video games.
As a guy, it’s a bit tough to really talk about this stuff. When I mentioned it to my manager by accident, I spent an hour discussing it at work. I opened up with my entire life story, to a stranger no less. Honestly feel very uncomfortable talking this to anyone let alone strangers. There was nothing new to really relay and it just reinforcing where I am right now.
“I am fortunate.”
“Why not act?” Prefixing, succinctly “I’ve done everything I can to preserve my emotional and mental well being.”
Phrases that no longer pains me as much. I really can’t convey how numbing it is when nothing can’t be done and everything goes in circle. I don’t know how the conversation lead to my personal situation. In any case, I felt too vulnerable and knowing I said it makes me feel even more vulnerable.
Which makes me want to withdraw even more, like I have done many times including recently.