I’ve been kind of out of it. Been busy working this weekend, I’m stuck inside while I’m sick. All I can do is sit at home and play video games and pass out. I have been massively fatigued once I wake up, almost sleep has no effect on me.
The most difficult part I’ve learned is getting sick really sucks. I’ve had to trade in work for bed rest and I’m losing by the day. However in the past week while I am sick, I did get a few things done. My camera has seen some uses, but been playing a huge amount of video games though. Not much for recording but I have been just absorbed into looking at sales and not stressing about anything.
I’m not quite sure what my next throwaway hobby is, but I feel like I should start exploring for another.
“I’ll do it later”, this phase much like myself have said and thought many times. Many times before, I have this and little have been accomplished and little was ever explored. Recently I found myself thinking about time; in it’s power and fleeting, I could only cherish what I have left for it.
The last couple weeks I’ve been hard at work, task after completed task. Always moving and doing, something I don’t mind when I’m not sore or tired. However this week was a very big push with much to do with very little hands to complete them. After a long day, a co-worker I rarely seen or spoke to asked if I wanted to join him for the evening to meet some people. By this time, I wanted to do nothing more to sleep or say “Maybe another time.” Insistent as he is, I agreed to go; I later found out, it was a dance class.
Not much of a dancer, I played with the notion of learning. For my first class, I did fairly well though if I did keep trying, I would be excel. As the instructor went through each routine in the corner of my eye, I saw this one girl. There were a lot of women in this class as well as men, I wasn’t too sure why she drew my attention. As the class winds down, I knew two things. First, I’m a terrible dancer. Secondly, I had to speak to her. Just an impulse I wanted to walk up and introduce myself. As awkward as I tried to not be with my introduction, I think I did a good job breaking the ice. We spend about an hour talking about her education and my work. We exchanged Facebook contacts.
Now two days after first contact, I come to realize later will always come but time is always running out. Of all the potential women I could’ve of asked out, I’ve chucked it to the the phrase “maybe later”. I spent my days saying rather than doing. Dreaming rather than working. As awkward this Easter can be, I really want to innovate myself. Perhaps this is the later I’ve been waiting for and now I can start living.
Recently I was invited to a gathering, no more than 100. The atmosphere felt like a drunken wedding reception and frat party. Open bar, I had a few in me (if not 5). In my own stupor staring off at the mirrored walls of a ballroom, I saw everyone had brought someone here to this jovial dinner.
Mingling with everyone half drunken, I found out most of their company were girlfriends. Only a handful and myself came as a lone wolf. Laughing and gawking, everyone had someone to talk to and there I was lending a voice and and ear to anyone who seemed to be alone for the occasion.
I spent the entire evening until the early dawn listening to other people’s relationships, envious I didn’t have someone there. Rather than dancing and joking around, I became the boy who stared at the walls. Stoic but awkward, drunk but clear headed.
The last week picked up fairly quick with better horizons ahead of me. I have been both very active and very tired, I’ve learned I’m a bit of a workaholic; the one thing I never thought I would become.
Starting off, I’m reaching close to being straight broke. I’m slowly reaching out for welfare to keep myself afloat. My financial situation is a good smack to the face to job hunting. Even though I have been meticulously scouring all the resources available to me, I still think I’m still far away from where I want to be. The hardest I find about this is I don’t have enough to really keep going indefinitely. In my home grown pride, I don’t feel comfortable on handouts for food and funds but I think I might have to take advantage to what I can provide myself.
Just recently, I finally got a bit of employment and even with that, it’s not going to cover everything to keep me going. It’s not enough to help me move out and not enough to live on my own even with assistance from welfare. This is the irony of being born and raised in the city; I want to live here but at the same time the city seems like it doesn’t want me around. With all these “opportunities” you read about in the newspaper or from people who are living their lives and looking at you. Reality is never black and white and never the shades in between. At least a bit of employment than no employment at all; when you’re hungry and wanting more to your life, does it matter if you’re overworked and underpaid? On a positive note since I got a position working in the food industry, I get to learn more about making food and handling money; which is good especially when it comes to customer service positions in this city.
With more to do with my life, the less I feel I have to worry and the more I can feel productive. I feel really rejuvenated yet relaxed. It’s been too long since I felt a sense of purpose and the need to move quick. In the coming weeks, I hope my schedule will be packed with work. My aim is a 10am to 6 pm work schedule during the weekdays and be on call during the weekends. At the moment like a quest, my “on call” optional is done; just have to complete the main tasks to finish the quest.