June 15, 2017
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This has been the roughest few weeks, luckily I have the time to sit down and write these.
Remember the old adage, “high school never ends”? I’m starting to think at my age, any masculine stereotype is coming close quarters. Day after day I am reminded that I’m just the quiet kid in the back of the class. Never passing. Never failing. Playing video games no one has heard of as the world annihilates each other in cyberspace; one point a frag, one teabag at a time. Oh and the phone calls home pretending to be sweet and macho for their girls – I mean, play things. Sorry girls, sitting in a room for a month hearing the things “men” talk about you; you realize “men” is the best way to put it. If somehow those women are reading this, you are either foolish to really know your boyfriend or have someone who doesn’t respect you the way you think. Either way, I’m sorry. But where was I?
I’m not like the others, I’m quite sure. Biologically and sexually, I am. However I see the world a bit differently. A place that doesn’t need to fight fire with fire. Cooperation over competition. Consent over chaos. I don’t know how I can say this but I am who I am. I’m a gentle person, shy but sweet. I don’t hide behind a facade, except when trying to covering something personal. If she becomes a reality, I would protect her privacy than dive into her personal life. I thought girls were gossipy, boys are the worst. Sure, I’m socially awkward but I’m socially observant.
How can a world be this cruel when we’ve all grew out? This is not for me. All of it, being picked on day in and day out. The way my peers talk to each other behind each other’s back and straight to each other. I’m a dork living a jock atmosphere, hate to put it into cliques. This is how it is, it’s terrible.
Life sucks. I wish I could just experience the best parts of it without the jerks you encounter. The jerks I encounter.
Why can’t I be me?
June 8, 2017
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When I first started, I was just feeling adventurous. I saw some amazing photographs in my time but having the opportunity to make some of my own was tempting.
I picked up my DSLR a couple years ago, since then I’ve captured some amazing photos. I’ve seen the plain and turned into something artistic. My still life and street photography has grew out just from observing my surroundings and being open to just taking a photo.
Technically speaking, I’m still fairly adept. I still have much to learn and do. I haven’t done a portraiture and I haven’t done a lot of night and low light photography. I still have yet used the on board flash. I still want to try all of those and get a bit skilled into it. I just want to do all the things.
I know after I bought my third lens, I promised myself to stop buying equipment. I might just break my promise once I get back from work. I realized I’m missing a few things including a vessel to carry all my lenses together. I’m planning to remedy that with something homemade. I would like an external flash and a remote trigger, more importantly the remote trigger. I’m a bit inspired by some self portraits from another photographer I’ve been following on 500px. She does amazing work with your body and a remote trigger. I don’t have a body like her, but I would like to do some portraiture of self and others.
For now I’ll just save my money and keep on learning.
June 1, 2017
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I think this hobby has yielded me some personal discoveries. Perhaps I should pick up more hobbies.
Patience is one thing I either have or don’t. Every time I wield my camera, I feel something change within me. Something that tells me to stop and breathe, watch and wait. Some of my best shots so far have just involved me sitting and waiting after finding something worth a photograph. I have some which don’t really fit the bill as something worth a view, but the best are those I just sat and observed it.
I stomped out my own creativity when I was a kid since I was a very fidgety kid. If you told child me I would be an artist, I would have paid no mind since I could only draw stick figures. Of course I did take art classes as a child and a preteen, but I never got beyond drawing really good stick figures and works that would look very pre-renaissance. Having a camera I don’t draw a picture, I just have to go out and find one. With the knowledge of the colour palette and cropping, all I can do is just snap and lightly edit. I’ve tried heavily editing my work but I find just a slight change to be enough.
This hobby has given me a reason to wake up every morning to go out and take a photo. Of course, I haven’t taken a one every day. I would say with all the photos I’ve taken on average, I’ve taken about two per day. I have to get up and plan, then execute and adapt to changes. If I could, I would travel to different cities and take photos. I try to wake up now so I can go out and take photos when I’m not looking for work through online job boards.
Still as I write this, I can’t help but to hold my camera and take it one last time before I spend the summer away from all my luxuries.
June 1, 2017
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I came home after just a few weeks away. Coming home to the city is feels weird. I’ve been away from home many times before, but this time it feels different.
As I drop my bag off in my room, the years I’ve spent here feel so alien. It is like coming to live in a stranger. Turning on my computer, typing; it feels like I’ve have never done this. When I came home, I tried to do some day to day things I did weeks ago. I went out for a movie and have dinner. When I went out alone, I felt abandoned. Felt like I was alone in a new city, much like any traveller has passed through my town. Going through my old haunts, I felt like the world is a bit different. Felt like I didn’t belong in this mall or this restaurant feels out of place. I sat and noshed as I looked on and saw people on a Friday night, curling up with their loved ones as I sat alone.
Coming home has given me insight on the person I am. I’m an odd person however it is what I am. The shy and rooted explorer or the closeted down to earth nomad. Perhaps all this time, I’ll step out of my shell after all this work gets completed.
May 25, 2017
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By the time this goes out, I’ve rolled through the second week of touring exhibitions for some inspiration for my own work.
I had the chance to go west of my city to see some small exhibits with some variety. I saw the simplicity and duality of black and white photos of the human and natural. Then not far away, I step into a gallery which frame Disney princesses in an adult light. Nothing erotic, but it was odd to see Snow White handling babies with a deadbeat prince. The memorable was Cinderella in a seedy truck bar surrounded by middle aged men, it was quite surreal with the ball gown and the lighting.
To end it, I stopped by downtown to something which looked a bit more personal. Postcards and stamps accompanied by trinkets to hone into the subject. It was a bit of a collage but gives me an abstract idea of how I should approach my own work. Not sure if I would ever put it into good use though.
As I’m writing this, I have not seen one of the exhibits I wanted to see. From the looks of the store front installation, It’s a bit of collage of text messages and online media adapted in a physical space. It should be a bit entertaining, at least I’m hoping.
Once work settles out, I’m going to get back into my photography.
May 18, 2017
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My schedule is an erratic schedule, not just the things I impose on me but my work is always a unplanned success. At first I use to take my time to foot around what I do in real life, recently the vagueness comes naturally.
With just a week away, I’m doing my best to prepare for the unlikely chance I might put my social media things on hiatus. So this blog, my YouTube channel, my Twitter; pretty much anything not tied down physically will go dark for about a few months until I return home. I really don’t like pre-planning for things when they don’t come because it rubber bands into a lot of procrastination. In any case, I do what I must.
Which is a bummer since on my YouTube, I started a a new playthrough for Filthy Lucre. Actually it’s two concurrent ones and so far my serial editing habits are showing. I have been having trouble maintaining which video to publish since everything goes up and I see everything as a list. Also I built two playlists; one being just a straight playthrough, the other is a bit of a challenge to complete all the objectives per missions. I even started playing with audio tracks and stuff during editing, I’m pretty impressed of what a free program can do now.
As for the photography things, I’m still trying to check out the rest of the festival with just under a week before I depart. So far I’ve seen a lot just from taking a stroll around town but I still want to check off what I have on the itinerary I’ve set aside for myself. I’m still picking up my camera. I recently swapped in for a different lens and forcing myself to learn to take photos with a prime lens. Definitely a challenge since it’s a fixed length, but I’ve found what my little ditty can do. I also came around and completed the trifecta of lenses I want for my DSLR, all I need is a gear bag and a a tall tripod. Well, I can just use the tripod but I’m out of space to keep everything clean. I’ve put a lot into this new hobby and yet I have so much to do. I still want to learn to play my decade old used guitar, I want to be able to play more airsoft which my stuff is collecting dust. Maybe this summer I can knock down the whole guitar thing, that’s going to be a loud month either an electric guitar.
For now and until next time, I have to get back to writing next week’s post in case I leave this place.
May 11, 2017
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This past weekend, I’m starting to participate in some local festivals. Of course a good way to start is a photography festival. And this past weekend I had the opportunity to see a couple things for the day.
Went to a seminar about self publishing hosted by a few mildly successful artists. It’s given an general idea of what it takes to really put my own work out there. Which explains why small runs of books and zines are popular unless it’s funded before publication.
After an hour long seminar about printed matters, I took a stroll to the closest gallery for a peak at some photographers using Fujifilm Instax. The product is very nostalgic to the old Polaroid film. Yet the colours still remain so vibrant and detailed . Though the small format of the Instax film makes it feel very compact to really observe any detail. So I guess it’s worth it for landscapes or portraits in bright light or with the built in flash.
The plan for the upcoming week is to check out more exhibitions and galleries until this festival is over. This is a great event I managed to stumble upon. I can’t wait to discover more.
I realized more recently that positive reinforcement doesn’t necessarily work for me. In this day in age, everyone is trying to see the better of things. Even then, the tiny voice in my head wouldn’t let me accept other people’s positive attitude especially if it’s directed at me.
I’m questioning a lot about myself recently. I’m not uncertain, but I feel like a kid breaking open the toaster and wondering how it all makes toast. How did my life so far created this burnt mess? I feel like I’m asking all the questions and I’m not solving anything. I guess it’s that empty part of me I’m still looking for, those answers to questions I should be asking.
A simple “good job” or “well done” triggers the inner pessimist. I don’t think I’m ever doing good or have done well to be congratulated. I just do. In a way it self-establishes I don’t have skills, yet I do. I have a talent to be talentless. I look at myself and see someone who has not achieved anything with age and wisdom. I look around me and I see a bunch of people who have at least an accolade they can be proud of, yet I’m here with a few people thinking I am worth something. Inside, I feel I don’t necessarily deserve it.
Perhaps a life time of negative reinforcement is catching up. Perhaps what I see in positive reinforcement will never come because it’s just how I grew up.
April 27, 2017
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Recently I had the opportunity to take part of brainstorming an alternate universe, a universe which could someday be. I always want to think about a different place and time, something beyond the here and now.
Fantasy is something I enjoy a lot when I can’t reach out and obtain it. It’s kind of odd to imagine a world without the USA, but a conversation directed to it gave it an interesting thought. I’m not much into political science but I couldn’t help to wonder how the states of union would go their own ways.
I guess it’s why I like tactical games, getting the control and to play the person in control. At the same time, which is why I like the loss of control in a survival game. In survival it’s all about thinking to regain some control. Always out of reach in a survival, a good survival game would keep me seeking control.
The appeal of video games, it can take me away yet keep me rooted to reality.
April 19, 2017
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Recently I was faced with a bit of envy, I had not expect I would be feeling jealous. In returned I’ve may have stepped over the line yet again.
I was surprised when I was drawn into a conversation about relationship and personal preference over a romantic interest. Me and my big, fat, ugly mouth said a few things in passing that may have been misconstrued to be one large topic. I think I should shut up from what I know about relationships, which is very little.
In the dump of conversation, there were a few nuggets I took away and reminded me of who I am. I live in a cosmopolitan city with many people of many views about everything. In a way, my old fashion ways mingle with the a contemporary ideal of a romantic interest or a relationship. It’s really difficult to really argue for what I would consider to be the right person for me. I have an idea of what I would like but at the same time others may feel it’s a daunting challenge. Reality of the situation is to not fit into the mould I’ve created, but show me a better mould for me. It’s an odd metaphor but it is close to what I look for in a partner. It’s hard to find someone like minded and with similar interests. I would like that special somebody but at the same time, I would like her to surprise me as well.
Perhaps rather than talking about what I want, I should just shut up and let it happen.