nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: love

#7 – Long Walks

Hey,

Already it’s autumn and you always have impeccable timing to drag me out of the house. I thought it was just another day with you but I you just made me fall more into you.

Darling, every day waking by your side in your bed could never describe the coursing love through my veins. I knew when I first slip into your sunday dress, I knew it would be likely a a nice afternoon stroll. Albeit it was a cold day, we went on the boat to the island. The day warmed up slightly but I’m convinced you love long walks as long as there are blue skies.

I can still remember we sat by the lake on one end and playfully walked to the beach the other end. It felt like every place we stopped was tailored to us. Every beam of sunshine painted the pastel canvas of your gorgeous face.

I could never ask any more from a perfect – perhaps my blisters to disappear.

 

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#6 – “Stay”

Hey,

We both know the first time we’ve met. Somewhere in the world with a smirk and a smile. You standing there with an honest blush on your face. I never really told you when I first fell in love with you.

It was one of our dates where I took you to the cinema; as simple as it started, it was just the best way to remember. We stay in the dark and watched the drama unfold. Through it, I felt your hand drift into mine. Your head softly lean on my broad shoulders. I looked over to find your hand holding mine. I was still unsure if you would end up like every woman in my life, upped and gone. In the darkness, you reach out and squeezed almost telling me there is someone there for me. I squeeze back, hope you understand what that meant to me.

Though after the movie, I was regretting we watched the last show. I remember taking the train with you. The entire way to your stop, you just held me and I could only hold you back. In our embrace, the world didn’t seem to matter. Time didn’t even seem to matter. As we walked home in the street light, you asked me to come in; of course, I could never say no to you (except playfully). As I close the door behind the stone path leading to your house, you kissed me and pulled me up stairs. Dragging me towards your bed, you made your intentions known. I told you I was tired. You held me down on your bed and kissed softly, you laid me down and cuddled into my arms. I didn’t resist but insisted.

“Stay”

It was enough to know you wanted to be loved. I do; I love you.

Eric

#4 – The Right Moment

Hey,

Here’s the thing about taking a photo for me. I love going to somewhere familiar, yet different. An oxymoron, right? The thing is once I find something I want, I do what I can to make it perfect.

I spend so much to change it, alter it, transform it into something I would proud of; sorry sweetheart, when it’s just right I have the urge to make it better. When we first met, I felt like my life can be better. I was a scrambled mess until I starting to pick up a few hobbies then landing to this one, photography – my therapy. Even while I edit my photos with you sleeping next to me, I feel I have everything I could ask for. It’s odd how one little thing, one person, can bring so much joy.

There were time you would surprise me in ways that baffle me. The craziest thing was when you called me over and when you opened the door, I felt my lung empty in half a gasp. You dyed your hair, not only that but you also cut it down where the end curl to almost meet your neck. Yes, at first I was pretty mad you went from your natural blonde to a deep purple. Without warning, I was mildly upset but I hid it; I’ll admit it now. After that day, it slowly grew on me.

You’ve made your point. There are a few things that even when I think I have it right, things get better even if I’m not involved. Perhaps the right moment can be the one I don’t necessarily control but if we’re both willing, we can capture it together.

Eric

#1 – “Hey”

Hey,

Thanks for the other night, I hope it was just as enjoyable for you as it was for me. I can’t believe I stayed up talking to you. Surprisingly it was the best conversation I’ve had in a long while, never have I thought you would be just as into photography as I am.

When I first met you, I was a shy person. Always standing away from the crowd and looking at my phone. When I first saw you on the train, it was like looking out in the world for the first time. You were so glowing. I was never a lucky person to begin with but the moment the car jerked  and you fell into my arms, it was something out of the movie. I can still remember stammering away trying to get more than just an “it’s okay” our of your apology. You smiled so politely like I actually had a speech impediment, but that awkward moment I can still remember we connected. After all this time, I don’t remember what; probably where we were going but I knew this ride would end.

All I had was a name as you stepped off the train, as the door closed I really wanted your phone number.

E

New Writing Project (Also Online Dating, Eh?)

I think I’m going to try and write a new series of posts. I’m not sure how long it  will last but I have a good idea. Before the internet, people would write love letters and have pen pals to write back and forth. So I think I’m going to put them both together and write some love letters. Unfortunately I don’t have them address to anyone but I guess I’ll leave it to you guys and gals to read and take it as you wish. Perhaps it is time to reveal the inner workings of my personality through intimate notes. Will you be able to handle it?

I guess this is coming to a head since the past half decade has been abysmal for my social life. I’ve met people for sure but I never found someone I could really date. To that end I tried a bit of online dating, still nothing turned up to be substantial. I think it’s the age I am and the people who use dating websites. With accessibility to apps that pander style over substance, it’s tough to find someone. For the past fours years I’ve actually kept an active dating profile on Plenty Of Fish. I’ve gotten a few messages for sure but either I wasn’t right or they have lost interest in me. In a way, this is me disclosing a personal part of me so it doesn’t consume me as it did before. I rarely updated my profile but this week, I changed it from upbeat to very honest. As I wrote it a realized it’s blogging material, it maybe a bit too personal on the internet. However I do this it’s best to leave it out in the open and leave it as a way of saying “Hi, this is me. Sorry I’m not what you expected.” With that I think I should leave what I left behind.

The best to to really tell you what I want is to lay out everything to you, anonymous women of the internet. So here’s the uncut uncensored things you should know about me after you are done reading and you still find me a worthwhile pursuit, then please message me.

I do best to be stick to my own personal ethics; courage, honesty, and love. I chose these because I think they outline my personality. Honesty because I like to be truthful, I do sometimes lie but I’m never good at it. Whether it’s my skewed knowledge of the world to say it or out of curious intent, I’ll say it. Much of it is reinforced by how my life kind of turned out to me; more below. Courage because I am willing to do what is right even when everyone says it’s wrong. I put everyone else before myself, probably because I’m still discovering part of myself. I have been know to disregard my own health to help others because sometimes I feel I don’t control myself as I should like others, that shouldn’t be seen as courage but it would look that way. Lastly love since it’s fitting to everything I do and to why I’m on (and still on) PoF. I do what to do to express my joy and care to my work or to the people I know. Though I know you, doesn’t mean I love you. The way we personally respect each other really determines the devotion I would put into someone. There is no formula or equation, I rely on my instinct and past experiences tell me if I want to do something out of love.

As I’m writing this I feel hesitant to mention but I feel it’s important. I don’t want any sympathy, I just want an open ear and hopefully someone open heart and understand it all. Growing up as a kid, I lived under the middle class. My family had a home but were just making ends meet. In school, I was bullied a lot which seems to be a demographic consensus about the 90’s. I got picked on for not having all the pop culture goodies like a Game Boy, cable TV or Pokemon cards. Also I was made fun because I was slow, fat and gay. Two of those were true, I was slow and fat. I think everyone was a bit homophobic for the time. At home, I would describe living as stale. I would always walk home at school and never had the chance to go play. I would be at home doing homework and watch TV. I was never exposed to pop culture; only things I knew was Cops, The Simpsons, The X-Files and the news. Most of my childhood was stuck indoors with homework or TV or being beaten by my dad. It’s only later in my life near high school I finally got my first Game Boy and got to see more of the world through the Internet. I never had a single friend because I didn’t go out and play which I guess led me to be a bit shy and reserved in adulthood. In high school, everything just felt like my social life was set in stone. I would go to school, learn, go home, learn, sit on front of a screen and vegetate. I did have crushes throughout which helped me figure out what I was into. Without the skills to be social, I kind of smiled and kept my head down. At least by the time I hit my mid-teens, I was actually finding my music. Most of the bands I listened to then are the same now, they’re really what makes me feel a bit whole. Coming up on present day, I did have a couple relationships; both were long distance but the one I actually met her in person. Don’t ask me how a unsocial person like me manage to find them, I’m surprised but appreciative that they got to be part of my life for a brief moment. Due to working my butt off to be under average while I was young, I experienced very little as a teen and a child. I’ve been kind of taking take those years from my parents who beat and overfed me. I’ve been kind of enjoying going to toy stores, listening to music, flipping through picture books. I never went to prom, I never had sex, I never became the true romantic I realized I was when I found out I was attracted to Caucasian girls in high school. I still know I have to be an adult, but a part of me just want to at least hold onto something meaningful. Coming up to my 30’s and I have yet experienced what I truly want. I want to be loved. I want to walk down sandy beaches, watch sunsets, sit on the couch and cuddle with a bowl of popcorn and a show. I want to hold someone close to me and feel time stop as my heart races before the kiss. I want to find the one woman who is much into me as I’m into her. I don’t want multiples, just the one. It’s might be difficult but I’ve poured it all out to you.

I never get what I want but can’t hurt to put down the qualities I like for my partner whether you fit as a whole or in parts. I don’t care, you’re amazing and one day you will see how much I appreciate you for being you. Your appearance I would describe as fair skin with red, blue, green, purple, blonde, brown hair and inviting eyes. Height I like no taller than mine though Taylor Swift is gorgeous above 6′.I would prefer someone who I can carry but based off my last relationships, I do prefer curvy women as well. Physicality is only a small portion though. I like someone who I feel comfortable talking to even if we don’t agree. Someone who can tolerate my faults physically and otherwise. Affection is a must since I like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. An undaunting upbeat attitude since I do feel down sometimes, I try and force myself to be happy but it’s kind of a challenge with ADHD and depression. Someone who likes to text and be texted, I do like picking up my phone and see nice messages from you. Whether it’s a question or random thought you want to share, I like to read it. I would probably do the same in return.

I should let you know I’m not interested in one night stands, smoking weed, doing illicit drugs.

No matter when you will find me and where we will meet, know I’m thinking of you. You, the one who will find me no matter what state I’m in. I’m waiting or looking for you too.

 

Post-Valentine’s Day

I am not sure if it’s just the allure of Valentine’s Day, but around the 14th I see a lot of couples out. More than I’m usually seeing, a lot more people are out and about spending time with significant others. I can’t help to think about how fabricated this day.

As a single individual in a sea of couples, it seems the loneliest day for those who don’t have that significant other. As much people try to reach out to include family, it’s weird to celebrate a romanticized day with family.

If I was in a relationship, I think I would do more with the 364 days than the one thematic day. Honestly the pandering of hearts, roses and red things a-plenty doesn’t bother me, the problem is some people buy into this day to be something special. Reality should be is not a special day but a special someone, isn’t it?

Looking upside to it, people seem happier during the season.

Day 24 – Attraction

As I am writing this, I am a bit hungover from a long night talking about relationship stuff. Ironically, today’s blog post about what I find attractive. In my past, I have learned a lot about people. Mainly people aren’t perfect; as much as you can expect someone to be at the state of perfection, there will always be flaws. Little bits that I would have to live with, living with it will be my compromise. As much this will turn many eligible women away, here I go to set it all down in words.

I look at attraction like a photograph and the main rule for photography, the rule of thirds. In rule is a guideline which places the subject in two thirds; in many ways, someone’s attractiveness can be divided in thirds. The first being compromises; she can have certain traits to an extent where I can still find it tolerable. To me, I think I would settle for someone wanting to be attached for the long term. As long term relationships go, it would just solidify my idea of how patient she can be with me. She can be vain at times, I’ve met girls who were obsessive and some not so into their beauty; this will be tough to keep in check but I will be willing to try.

With a third aside for flaws, the next two focus on looks and personality. “What does she look like?” My female readers out there will be relieved to hear, I am pretty accepting to how the right girl in my life would look. She can have any colour hair as long as she can wear it well. I do prefer the pale persuasion. Oh, and her body; definitely a healthy and eating body. As much as I can admit I like a slim woman, I would like her to be able to eat. Definitely dinner dates are in my future. Piercings, tats, smokers, drinkers? I’m open to the idea of her to having tats and sensible piercings, nothing too ridiculous but the only way I would know if I actually met her. As for smokers and drinkers, I find smokers a bit of turn off. Drinking I might be on the fence about because I like someone who can socially drink but I would like her to be non-alcoholic since I do try to be the same.

The second and last third of what I find someone attractive. Main point, lady with personality. Someone I can have a converse with, someone I feel comfortable around. Someone who can keep me in place because I’m usually all over the place. Someone with the same honest and respectful values as I do. She’s got an ear for music I can enjoy as well into music I like, she doesn’t have to like my music but at least consider it tolerable. I’m a bit weird and dorky, or so I’ve heard. She’s got to deal with that bit of me. I’m stubborn to change but willing to change if I feel good about it. She will need the patience to really handle my problems for I, too, am a flawed person.

Will I ever find the right woman? Perhaps not, but I’m an optimistic dreamer when it comes to my personal life. I’ll find her, hopefully one day.

Follow Your Heart

For the past few years have been a rough ride for me. I have went through a cycle of blaming myself and mulling over every action that has brought me here. Through it all, I’ve pulled out of the worst mood I’ve been in years and still feel I haven’t crawled out the sadness I’m still holding inside.

There are days my heartache feels heavier, though in time it has become more distance. Time doesn’t seem like  it “heals all wounds”, it only makes the heart grow fonder to it’s needs. Though I do enjoy curled up in bed writing blog posts and watching YouTube, I feel I’m missing more of my adulthood. I miss centralizing my commitment and dedication while at the same time I yearn for the same. I have tried my best to fill the void, but to no avail. I keep telling myself there is someone out there for me. Now a 20-something, I am sensing the familiar defeat hovering over me. My acceptance to it makes me feel hopeless yet I scramble to find meaning to my existence.

In this moment, I have a part time job for which I am grateful. In a recent conversation with a coworker, something blew my mind. I’m not sure how the point came up but I do remember this. Love and love alone, is the sum of one’s dedication and commitment. In the lesser gains and greatest sacrifices, we did out of compassion and empathy. Love is the emotion of these values. In these few sentences, I realized what I’ve done for the past year and what have done in relationships past.

The past year I am happy to be employed, I have spent my free time to learn and gain from my work. I have set aside time and my life to do things people would likely never see and do. I spent seven days staring at stars and fireflies. I seen the majesty of the local wildlife. I traveled distances to hurt myself and become heavily fatigued. I stood outside the rain where I become totally drenched. I helped people with personal problems. I am not an open person to spread compassion around me. Why did I do it?  Commitment and dedication to those who take care of me, I guess. I chose to work at this part time job is to perhaps do it out of love. Not money nor power but the dedication and commitment to others.

As inanimate as work is, It has filled part of life up with a bit of what I wanted. Time well spent, even though I may never see it reciprocate. However I feel I am missing something; maybe it’s the loneliness on a dark Halloween, but perhaps I need some companionship. Just having someone to connect and share ideas. Now we’re back to the question I’ve been dodging.

Why am I still alone?

On Love

Falling in love – can be a difficult subject to talk about. There many who have written books and advice columns. In the end love; love is complex, love is immense, love is hard. Everyone has fallen in love; a crush, a lust, a romance. When it come to true love, it’s a different story.

I am not an expert, falling in love can almost be describe in innumerable ways. Many wrote it’s a fluttering of the heart and some say it is like time took pause for the very moment. For me falling in love was like nothing I experienced in my existence. It felt like delicate ice cream melting on the tongue yet it was much like like my heart grasped a big breath and held it. In my mind, I heard a voice call out; it told me how uncertain this future would bring. But then there was the small voice in my head that told me, “Go for it.” A small voice in a few of a thousand, telling me to take a risk. In the end, the risk was my own. No matter how I could rewind all the memories, those wisp past remind me regardless of the risks, I have gained and lost no matter what I chose. But when that first moment I felt my heart lighten and my mind clear for this commitment, all those feelings turned into a wave. Then I felt another and another; later I realized falling in love is more than the feeling you get.

I understand the connection I had with her is genuine, yet surreal. The beautiful thing about falling in love is you learn who you are as human being. More than how far you can push yourself physically or mentally; but how much you would want to do for love, be loved and what sort of love you want in your life. The irony for me is the love I want differs to a lot of people. It makes me wonder if I will ever find that love again.

Looking back on it now, falling in love is something indescribable. Not because there are no words to explain the moment when you do fall in love or the feeling; love is of many words and descriptions. If you read this to find something to describe love; there is only one – love.

Until next time if you want the answer what it is like to fall in love, go find it.

Things I’ve learned making Let’s Plays

I’ve never put in so much time for one thing I wanted to do; okay, I put in a lot of time for a few things. However I never been devoted to be a bit creative. It was always something I lacked. I can be creative at times to think of ideas (thus how this blog was born) but I never really been a visually creative person. Start of this year, I decided to make let’s plays on YouTube which somewhat harkens back to my old Black Ops gameplay. I always wanted to do something constructive or creative to develop something I had problem learning. For my new readers, I’m ADHD and I am not a very creative person; quite the unusual irony.

Over the past six months, I learned a few things from playing and recording video games. To veteran recorders and producers of gameplay, it may be obvious; but I do admire the fact the consistent and persistent nature of YouTubers. They remind me the humbling experience of being unpopular, bottom of the pyramid, way of finding a style. To those who haven’t had their mind set on WordPress wanting to do LP’s or record gameplay, I want you to learn from someone who doesn’t have a following and started with pretty much with a lot of time, plentiful amounts of procrastination and no money to put forward to upstart a hobby or interest. Take this as a warning or advice (or both).

Starting off, I needed a recording software. Something light on the system and can record the amount of time you need. For me, I need it to record continuously because I never know if there will be some good action bits. At the moment I’m using Open Broadcaster Software because it allows a one click solution with minimal set up but enough functionality to make changes to the encoding. At the beginning, I downloaded the program to replace CamStudio because the installation file I downloaded for The Dead Linger didn’t work. Both are free, but after having an experience in both products, I’ve come to realize the interface with OBS is easier and built towards online streaming and local recording than for tutorials and short presentations.

When I started with Banished LP’s, I recorded them in large huge batches. I’m talking like files sizes of 1GB times how much time I had. So in under x amount of hours, my hard drive would be capped out on raw video files. I think at one point I had 10 files lined up for uploading and those uploads would take up to 12 hours per file to upload. So it would take about 10 days to upload if you include time for me to just use my internet connection for anything besides uploading. So in the 30 plus episode run, it took a day each. However in TubeStar, the same 20 minute file would take about an hour or two. So if the game is very action based would require more frames. Therefore the file size will be larger compared to text based or 2D games. This is true in OBS by the way, try with your recording software of choice!

In making The Dead Linger, I found a difficulty with sandbox games where travelling is required. For one thing, you have to fill the time walking with something interesting. If you are a quiet gamer, definitely cut out the nothingness. If you have something to talk about, just talk and don’t hold back until you’re done. It can be interesting, informative, funny or just be somewhat like a small video journal about your life while you play. Just let it out and even if you are going to cut it, then cut it but it’s always to have some extra bits to have more to add if the video is a bit short.

Length of the video to me is only the limitation to the audience and your hard drive. However personally, I think people have a bit of a short attention span. With that in mind, I do my best to make my videos 20 minutes or less. At first, I aimed for 20 minutes. Now I end it when I think I have enough content or I set an end point. I guess it’s because Defiance has missions unlike The Dead Linger. So I can end one mission as a video. What I’m trying to say, find a way to end a video.

Early on, I said I’m not a very creative person. The truth really unfolds if you watch my YouTube channel compared to everyone’s LP. I don’t have a visual introduction, no end cards or effects. I just play as is and I do that because two main reasons. First being theory; I don’t really want to promote myself, I want to promote the games I play. The games are the feature on my channel and I want people to find their niche in video games. The large part I want them to see my video and try the game themselves. I think the second reason why I don’t have visuals is obvious. I’m not the best editor or graphic designer. I’m usually the idea man, the guy who wants to do it and get it done. I like to be the person to establish point A and point B and let people define the direction of travel. But at times, I do regret I’m not a visual person. I wish I could have some creativity so I could make graphics. But for now, you got to like where you start out. You don’t have to be established to start something, you just have to start.

Have I learned everything from making videos? I’m just about to get started. I don’t have a job, I don’t have the creativity, I don’t have best of anything. I just do it because I go in knowing I could fail and I would learn something from it or succeed and gain something I don’t really know and I could get interested into it. I might not make money from it because I consider myself small time but it doesn’t matter. For better or worse, I do what I love. I love video games, I love playing video games and I want to share my love with people who are still finding their love.

If someone who loves to teach a noob about graphic design and video production, let me know!