July 9, 2018
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Well after a week and the heat has settled off. According to the news, I expected to see hot days ahead. Yet here I am trying fight away this feeling. I’m not thinking about anything yet and I hope I don’t. Let’s rewind to Saturday.
So Saturday is when I noticed I was really feeling worse than the day before. I still had the energy to go out and do stuff. Waking up late didn’t help, I still had a bit done. Then Sunday morning rolled in and I just had trouble sleeping. Turning in my bed, then seeking refuge in the basement for a few hours. I managed to sleep. Only to expend another weekend and a beautiful day. In the weekend I did nothing but take a few photos and saw the moon and Mars in the same city sky.
Sunday afternoon, waking at 8 in the afternoon. I’m rested in the sunset bleeding through the window. I hate every time I wake up, I feel I lost one more day in my life. Trying to claim to something that’s waning away. Sitting here on the backside of a heat wave and to be in the wake of another, I don’t think I can survive another day.
I just need to sleep away all this. Yes, maybe sleep it off.
June 24, 2018
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Last week I was so excited to see Paramore, the few bands in my rotating playlist of music that has permanent standing. It’s been almost a decade since I’ve seen them live, I believe I still have the stub from the DCU Centre in Massachusetts. But finally being able to see them here at home was a gift after having a terrible rainy date and the last minute request from work to complete a shift. Unlike the DCU, I had seats this time but I didn’t even need it (exception for the two opening acts, I’m not much of a Foster The People person). Just having them on stage and seeing the crowd reminded me of those days just sitting at home and blaring it in my ears.
At the start of the concert, I was surprised a lot of people dressed so differently taking their seats. Teenagers, old fans, a crew of dyed hair people, even a few people in their business casual wear stood and jammed with Paramore. They brought our a lot of old album favourites to playing their entire new After Laughter album. But just being there with people dancing and watching, I felt comfortable to wave my hands and headbanging in the stands. It was comforting to just hear Hayley’s words sung and sung back to her. It was electric in a way everyone can hold on those words. I remember the first time I felt like that was when I heard The Only Exception. It was moving that no matter where you come from, people are similar in situation. Whether a break up, a death, a crappy circumstance could being someone back.
After leaving the concert, I left for a bit of late night Chinese food. I saw hoards of people scrambling to cars and even people trickling into the streetcar stop. I took a less direct route to the restaurant for some take out. Just seeing people dispersing train stop after train stop with all their Paramore paraphernalia, it was something almost magical. Then as I waited for a meal, I saw a group of friends sit down wearing the same After Laughter t-shirt and I was remember just how special the concert was, the difference of appearance and now appetite.
I’ve always advocated that being weird and different is good. That night I really felt accepted by those words and I now I’m starting to look at myself and say “Weird is OK”.
June 1, 2018
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Finally summer is rearing it’s head out. I know for sure since my room in the late evening feels like a humid furnace. Happens every year and as annoying and dangerous as it is to live in my room, I’m glad for cool shade and a beautiful sunsets.
This summer, I do plan on taking less time for work and more focus on photography. Actually I’ve been closely following what 500px is doing and I’m glad they’re letting Getty distributing images from the website. Though it doesn’t seem like there are any details about it yet. But hopefully I can sell the few I have there. Meanwhile I finally have my account there set up to receive funds. So hopefully I will eventually see someone why some of my photos. I still haven’t been able to physically work on getting my work physically out there. I think framed prints can still sell. I guess I’ll find out in the next month.
All the while, it’s starting to feel like summer. I’ve been pulling all the stops to really enjoy this year’s warm weather. Definitely taking my camera out and doing some travelling. I’ve planned on seeing a concert in June. Recently I tried to even catch most of the photography festival that was going on here; I didn’t see much but at least I can say I attended.
This summer I’m going to do my best to really bring out my full potential in photography. Main goal and hopefully learn something new along the way as well.
Recently I’ve been struggling keeping up with the hobbies. I’ve been partially working or been on my feet. It’s summer or what it feel like it here, but it’s a good time for photography. This year I’m hoping the summer will be more productive for photos. At the same time I’m excited to finish Fallout 4, however another game is slowly taking over my life.
Yes, after a couple years…I finally downloaded Pokemon Go. Just this past Friday and since then, I realize how dangerous this ago because I almost got hit by two cars and bumping right into a wall. Luckily I’m not so mindless that I would run full steam. However walking distracted is dangerous, especially in a large city involving many sharp objects. It’s like being a child again and your parents forgot to make the entire house child safe. Anyways, I’ll be trying to stay away from playing while moving. Though I kind of understand most of the good stuff in the game is found on avenues. So if anyone is still curious, please look and bee aware of your surroundings; this is not a drill.
With photography, I would like to push out and use my tripod more often. However at the same time, I want to travel and shoot something different. Seeing my city kind of loses it’s appeal. I like landscapes here and I think this year I’m blooming into street photography. I usually stayed from taking pictures of people in this shots. So shyness from snapping people, it’s diminishing and I’m getting comfortable with finding the shot with people in the scene.
Anyways, that’s where I am now. After the crazy stuff happening in the world and restraining to spout all the problems around me, I’ll try and write down the topic and hopefully I will remember it later.
February 2, 2018
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It’s been a month and I’ve been staving off my prescription. Rationing every pill, forcing myself out of a cycle.
I’ve been lacking proper routine. Lacking a continuous “feel good” emotion, I feel I’m the only one who just feels sad all the time. Happiness eludes me and here I am waking up in the afternoon hoping I can get one thing done. I’m starting to spend long nights watching YouTube and browsing photos. I loathe this existence, I always wanted more and in a positive manner.
I’ve been having a hard time to really kick myself into doing things. The things I like doing feel heavier to do. Why can’t I just be normal – as normal as I can be without feeling terrible.
I’m going to relax a bit before I have an anxiety attack or something. At some point, I have to talk to my doctor.
August 19, 2017
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For some context, I wrote this around 11 in the evening. Even though I’m home, it’s a small respite from work. This long ordeal is almost done. I can get back to my life uploading and doing photography things very shortly. It’s been so long, I miss playing video games in a meaningful way. When I come home right now, it’s just to get my weekly fill. Almost like an addiction, perhaps it is and I’m deceiving myself. My mood has been the only outlet for the truth.
I just feel more and more tired, not in a physical manner but emotionally. Recently I’ve been focusing on breathing techniques to get through the day but it gets harder and harder. To make matters worse, I’m running out of my medication with little to no time to refill a prescription.What I have not is just partially effective. I noticed I would be in a good mood and sometime midday my mood would change into a dark polar opposite. Compounding to all this, I’m having thoughts again. Those deep dark thoughts I thought I have pushed away. They’re still here, tucked under the drugs and cognitive therapy. With all the stuff hanging over me, I’ve turned into a bit of an alcoholic. I wish I didn’t have to be, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel more comfortable without curling into a ball and shutting the world out.
Perhaps when I get back to keeping busy with hobbies, I’ll feel better. All this time, I miss watching all the YouTube I want. The videos from the users I’ve subscribed to will take a couple weeks of binge watching to complete and I don’t know what’s going on in Star Trek Online, but I would like to see what’s new. I probably missed some new stuff and the summer event. I’m sitting here watching my old life pass by me – weird feeling to observer your habits as a third person.
Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps I’m sleepy. I’m almost home.
August 7, 2017
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The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. I haven’t been able to be in a peachy mood for awhile and I’m starting to feel the mood that can only be described as “The Infinite Sadness”.
Being away from home has taken a toll on me since I’ve done nothing but become a workoholic. Spending everyday tiring myself out and repeating; however the work varies but it’s the same principle, work then sleep. With that, I’ve missed a few meals here and there. I’ve been down this road before and it’s kind of how I noticed I’m not doing too good, the lack of food and the need to drink. While we’re on the subject of drinking, I do drink alcohol. I’m an adult, I know when to stop. Recently I’ve been spiralling into madness with it, I’ve been drinking heavily and alone. Likely not the two best signs of a cheery chap.
After coming home last week for a short break from work, all I did was sit and sleep. Also video games; mindless video game violence. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I use to; still shower and maintain my own personal hygiene but outside of that, I haven’t done much. Still taking my medication but I think the stress has outpaced the medication. Which is surprising if it is since I trust the medication to last me through the day. I did notice the effects slowly wearing off. Started with a midday slump right after lunch, then it was like an old car engine sputtering to a crawl. Then, there was nothing. No second wind. No miracle recovery. Just the driver in his broken down car.
I still have a couple weeks left on my medication. I could get it refilled, worth a shot though I live 200km away from my pharmacist at the moment and it might be a bother to get a month’s worth for just two more weeks.
Maybe just hold out, just a bit longer. Then hope things will get better.
July 1, 2017
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One thing’s constant in my life, trouble. I’m always being told I’m wrong. It hurts a lot when people who you think are friends turn against you when you know what happened was wrong.
Something happened I wish no one would ever have to go through and those who have been there, they know what I’m talking about. I understand why the silence is painful, how loneliness can be the only escape. Even when you lose control, you just have whatever you have to keep you tuned in. It’s a rough time when you think everyone is against you. I want to say that no matter what happens, let it out to someone. Tell someone what has happened to you. It’s painful to hurt yourself and it hurts to keep it inside. Even worse when you can’t feel anything when there should be something.
Perhaps in time I’ll tell you what has happened to me but all I can say is it’s better to tell someone. Even if it’s a friend or someone you thought you can trust, it’s better to tell someone than let it be a secret.
I’m so flooded of anger and hate and drained of emotions, I’ll let this post like this and hope this helps someone. I’ve done so much but I want to do nothing but make it better than just trouble.
June 1, 2017
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I think this hobby has yielded me some personal discoveries. Perhaps I should pick up more hobbies.
Patience is one thing I either have or don’t. Every time I wield my camera, I feel something change within me. Something that tells me to stop and breathe, watch and wait. Some of my best shots so far have just involved me sitting and waiting after finding something worth a photograph. I have some which don’t really fit the bill as something worth a view, but the best are those I just sat and observed it.
I stomped out my own creativity when I was a kid since I was a very fidgety kid. If you told child me I would be an artist, I would have paid no mind since I could only draw stick figures. Of course I did take art classes as a child and a preteen, but I never got beyond drawing really good stick figures and works that would look very pre-renaissance. Having a camera I don’t draw a picture, I just have to go out and find one. With the knowledge of the colour palette and cropping, all I can do is just snap and lightly edit. I’ve tried heavily editing my work but I find just a slight change to be enough.
This hobby has given me a reason to wake up every morning to go out and take a photo. Of course, I haven’t taken a one every day. I would say with all the photos I’ve taken on average, I’ve taken about two per day. I have to get up and plan, then execute and adapt to changes. If I could, I would travel to different cities and take photos. I try to wake up now so I can go out and take photos when I’m not looking for work through online job boards.
Still as I write this, I can’t help but to hold my camera and take it one last time before I spend the summer away from all my luxuries.