nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: journal

Almost

For some context, I wrote this around 11 in the evening. Even though I’m home, it’s a small respite from work. This long ordeal is almost done. I can get back to my life uploading and doing photography things very shortly. It’s been so long, I miss playing video games in a meaningful way. When I come home right now, it’s just to get my weekly fill. Almost like an addiction, perhaps it is and I’m deceiving myself. My mood has been the only outlet for the truth.

I just feel more and more tired, not in a physical manner but emotionally. Recently I’ve been focusing on breathing techniques to get through the day but it gets harder and harder. To make matters worse, I’m running out of my medication with little to no time to refill a prescription.What I have not is just partially effective. I noticed I would be in a good mood and sometime midday my mood would change into a dark polar opposite. Compounding to all this, I’m having thoughts again. Those deep dark thoughts I thought I have pushed away. They’re still here, tucked under the drugs and cognitive therapy. With all the stuff hanging over me, I’ve turned into a bit of an alcoholic. I wish I didn’t have to be, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel more comfortable without curling into a ball and shutting the world out.

Perhaps when I get back to keeping busy with hobbies, I’ll feel better. All this time, I miss watching all the YouTube I want. The videos from the users I’ve subscribed to will take a couple weeks of binge watching to complete and I don’t know what’s going on in Star Trek Online, but I would like to see what’s new. I probably missed some new stuff and the summer event. I’m sitting here watching my old life pass by me – weird feeling to observer your habits as a third person.

Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps I’m sleepy. I’m almost home.

 

Keeping It Together

The last couple weeks have been a bit rough. I haven’t been able to be in a peachy mood for awhile and I’m starting to feel the mood that can only be described as “The Infinite Sadness”.

Being away from home has taken a toll on me since I’ve done nothing but become a workoholic. Spending everyday tiring myself out and repeating; however the work varies but it’s the same principle, work then sleep. With that, I’ve missed a few meals here and there. I’ve been down this road before and it’s kind of how I noticed I’m not doing too good, the lack of food and the need to drink. While we’re on the subject of drinking, I do drink alcohol. I’m an adult, I know when to stop. Recently I’ve been spiralling into madness with it, I’ve been drinking heavily and alone. Likely not the two best signs of a cheery chap.

After coming home last week for a short break from work, all I did was sit and sleep. Also video games; mindless video game violence. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I use to; still shower and maintain my own personal hygiene but outside of that, I haven’t done much. Still taking my medication but I think the stress has outpaced the medication. Which is surprising if it is since I trust the medication to last me through the day. I did notice the effects slowly wearing off. Started with a midday slump right after lunch, then it was like an old car engine sputtering to a crawl. Then, there was nothing. No second wind. No miracle recovery. Just the driver in his broken down car.

I still have a couple weeks left on my medication. I could get it refilled, worth a shot though I live 200km away from my pharmacist at the moment and it might be a bother to get a month’s worth for just two more weeks.

Maybe just hold out, just a bit longer. Then hope things will get better.

Hurting Inside

One thing’s constant in my life, trouble. I’m always being told I’m wrong. It hurts a lot when people who you think are friends turn against you when you know what happened was wrong.

Something happened I wish no one would ever have to go through and those who have been there, they know what I’m talking about. I understand why the silence is painful, how loneliness can be the only escape. Even when you lose control, you just have whatever you have to keep you tuned in. It’s a rough time when you think everyone is against you. I want to say that no matter what happens, let it out to someone. Tell someone what has happened to you. It’s painful to hurt yourself and it hurts to keep it inside. Even worse when you can’t feel anything when there should be something.

Perhaps in time I’ll tell you what has happened to me but all I can say is it’s better to tell someone. Even if it’s a friend or someone you thought you can trust, it’s better to tell someone than let it be a secret.

I’m so flooded of anger and hate and drained of emotions, I’ll let this post like this and hope this helps someone. I’ve done so much but I want to do nothing but make it better than just trouble.

Lessons from Photography

I think this hobby has yielded me some personal discoveries. Perhaps I should pick up more hobbies.

Patience is one thing I either have or don’t. Every time I wield my camera, I feel something change within me. Something that tells me to stop and breathe, watch and wait. Some of my best shots so far have just involved me sitting and waiting after finding something worth a photograph. I have some which don’t really fit the bill as something worth a view, but the best are those I just sat and observed it.

I stomped out my own creativity when I was a kid since I was a very fidgety kid. If you told child me I would be an artist, I would have paid no mind since I could only draw stick figures. Of course I did take art classes as a child and a preteen, but I never got beyond drawing really good stick figures and works that would look very pre-renaissance. Having a camera I don’t draw a picture, I just have to go out and find one. With the knowledge of the colour palette and cropping, all I can do is just snap and lightly edit. I’ve tried heavily editing my work but I find just a slight change to be enough.

This hobby has given me a reason to wake up every morning to go out and take a photo. Of course, I haven’t taken a one every day. I would say with all the photos I’ve taken on average, I’ve taken about two per day. I have to get up and plan, then execute and adapt to changes. If I could, I would travel to different cities and take photos. I try to wake up now so I can go out and take photos when I’m not looking for work through online job boards.

Still as I write this, I can’t help but to hold my camera and take it one last time before I spend the summer away from all my luxuries.

Creativity in Bursts

By the time this goes out, I’ve rolled through the second week of touring exhibitions for some inspiration for my own work.

I had the chance to go west of my city to see some small exhibits with some variety. I saw the simplicity and duality of black and white photos of the human and natural. Then not far away, I step into a gallery which frame Disney princesses in an adult light. Nothing erotic, but it was odd to see Snow White handling babies with a deadbeat prince. The memorable was Cinderella in a seedy truck bar surrounded by middle aged men, it was quite surreal with the ball gown and the lighting.

To end it, I stopped by downtown to something which looked a bit more personal. Postcards and stamps accompanied by trinkets to hone into the subject. It was a bit of a collage but gives me an abstract idea of how I should approach my own work. Not sure if I would ever put it into good use though.

As I’m writing this, I have not seen one of the exhibits I wanted to see. From the looks of the store front installation, It’s a bit of collage of text messages and online media adapted in a physical space. It should be a bit entertaining, at least I’m hoping.

Once work settles out, I’m going to get back into my photography.

Once More?

My schedule is an erratic schedule, not just the things I impose on me but my work is always a unplanned success.  At first I use to take my time to foot around what I do in real life, recently the vagueness comes naturally.

With just a week away, I’m doing my best to prepare for the unlikely chance I might put my social media things on hiatus. So this blog, my YouTube channel, my Twitter; pretty much anything not tied down physically will go dark for about a few months until I return home. I really don’t like pre-planning for things when they don’t come because it rubber bands into a lot of procrastination. In any case, I do what I must.

Which is a bummer since on my YouTube, I started a a new playthrough for Filthy Lucre. Actually it’s two concurrent ones and so far my serial editing habits are showing. I have been having trouble maintaining which video to publish since everything goes up and I see everything as a list. Also I built two playlists; one being just a straight playthrough, the other is a bit of a challenge to complete all the objectives per missions. I even started playing with audio tracks and stuff during editing, I’m pretty impressed of what a free program can do now.

As for the photography things, I’m still trying to check out the rest of the festival with just under a week before I depart. So far I’ve seen a lot just from taking a stroll around town but I still want to check off what I have on the itinerary I’ve set aside for myself. I’m still picking up my camera. I recently swapped in for a different lens and forcing myself to learn to take photos with a prime lens. Definitely a challenge since it’s a fixed length, but I’ve found what my little ditty can do. I also came around and completed the trifecta of lenses I want for my DSLR, all I need is a gear bag and a a tall tripod. Well, I can just use the tripod but I’m out of space to keep everything clean. I’ve put a lot into this new hobby and yet I have so much to do. I still want to learn to play my decade old used guitar, I want to be able to play more airsoft which my stuff is collecting dust. Maybe this summer I can knock down the whole guitar thing, that’s going to be a loud month either an electric guitar.

For now and until next time, I have to get back to writing next week’s post in case I leave this place.

Long Imaginings

Recently I had the opportunity to take part of brainstorming an alternate universe, a universe which could someday be. I always want to think about a different place and time, something beyond the here and now.

Fantasy is something I enjoy a lot when I can’t reach out and obtain it. It’s kind of odd to imagine a world without the USA, but a conversation directed to it gave it an interesting thought. I’m not much into political science but I couldn’t help to wonder how the states of union would go their own ways.

I guess it’s why I like tactical games, getting the control and to play the person in control. At the same time, which is why I like the loss of control in a survival game. In survival it’s all about thinking to regain some control. Always out of reach in a survival, a good survival game would keep me seeking control.

The appeal of video games, it can take me away yet keep me rooted to reality.

Panic.

Not sure if I ever had this feeling before but something happened recently I cannot shake off and disturbs me. As I was laying in bed with my head in the clouds, I found myself in a dark place. I was spiraling out of control, one nasty thought to the next. Thoughts that question how I am and what I feel to the point where my heart felt like beating out of my chest. I laid there motionless as I tried breathing. Winding through all these dangerous thoughts, hyperventilating in a wide eyed state. Just as quickly as it happened, it all stopped. Breathing back to normal and my heart didn’t feel like exploding. Thoughts of myself disappeared.

I’m still figuring out what happened, but from what I felt it was a panic attack. It was really intense and scary. I don’t think ever in my life I could experience something so frightening. All I could do was lay there and let it pass, forcing myself to breath. I feel all the negative things in my life have compounded into this anxious moment.

A bit ironic since I had to check in with my doctor not too long ago. It’s worrying I have to be in this state of mind when I got no idea how many more times it could happen. Of course this is the first time, but how many more until I can tell someone.

I try to not involve my life in my blog, but this is the few times I really need to put it on record.

Filling up.

It’s been somewhat eventful, somewhat being tiring and I’ve been trying to push myself through the paces. I’ve pushed out all the photos from the accounts I have on Facebook and Google to 500px, still haven’t updated my banner here so that’s my bad. However I’ve been trying to be more out and about snapping photos since now I have 20 photos allocated a week. Trying to not be a competition but I’ve been uploading about a 10 a week so far.

Since the 17th, I haven’t uploaded any videos to YouTube. I love to play Tropico but I think the there isn’t much encouragement. However I would like to pull off a Prison Architect and just try everything until I’m ready to move on. Meanwhile Star Trek Online is having an event so I’m trying to farm stuff from the events. A new ship and new item set; with sleeping in and work, this is mentally exhausting me at an incredible rate.

Hopefully this week will be something worth looking forward to do more than I did this past week. I really need to balance my life a bit more if I ever will have the chance to get where I want to be in my life.

Settling Into The Holidays.

I’m almost done with work. Just a couple more weeks, then I’m going on a month long gaming binge. Recently I’ve been spending a couple hours a day at a time recording and editing. It’s been kind of bit slow since I haven’t hit the gym in a couple month, I should return to the gym but video games are so much fun. I would like to push hard to record all those games I bought so many moons ago, all 4 games. I doubt I would complete them within the month since most of them are sandbox games; I would like to at least finish Prison Architect, Call To Arms  and one more (Skyrim if I can binge the entire game). Speaking of which, I’m about $30 away from owning the entire Skyrim collection; just two more DLC’s!

Speaking of games, I’ve been looking around to all the people I’ve met who would like to play more cooperative stuff. The last coop recording I did was in Insurgency which was fun, but I think I should do something different and interesting. Trying to see if there is a game I have and someone wants to spend a few months or more on it. Space Engineers does take forever to get somewhere interesting. I have Star Trek Online, I could do the story campaigns with someone in odd ships.  I might return to The Long Dark, not co-op but I would like to at least die in the game. However The Long Dark suffered more like Stardew Valley where I lost interest. Ryan, the guy who I use to play a lot of Pulsar:Lost Colony, had Empyrion: Galactic Survival but I would like to go the survival stuff with a partner or a group. Especially starting from scratch and ending with a large ship or completing the massive project.

As I’m editing my gameplay, I’ve been watching a lot of livestreams. Not sure if I ever mentioned or tried to look up what I need to stream, but I recently looked up how much I really need to stream in HD. Safe to say, I’m no way close to a bandwidth to stream; maybe a 480p stream, could be less. So I can hardly play a game with a live audience, maybe some day when Canadian ISP’s were cheaper. For now and until next time, I’ll keep recording and playing.