nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: inspiration

Stop and Smell The Roses…

Spring’s here, that’s a given. Aside from getting out of bed earlier; this year, exercise is becoming a priority to me. I’m not obviously freaking out eating healthy and just becoming a total jock and pick up sports or be on an extensive exercise regimen. But for the start of spring, I decided to go for a run. With no inhibitions, I donned my athletics and at the crack of dawn; I went for a slow run around a route I measured to be 1.2 kilometres (just under 3/4 of a mile), completed just under 6 minutes which isn’t so bad. My aim is a 2.5 km run in under 14 minutes, 12 minutes if I can really do it.

Even for six minutes of a gentle run, I found some bliss into it. Stepping off my doorstep, it was quiet and silent in the twilight of the street lights. Eerie more like it, with the artery empty of car flow. As I made pace, I thought about the past months. Ever since I fell ill around Christmas, my state of health seems very amplified in front of me. Bit by bit, I’ve been working to get back into better health. Been talking to the doctors I have to see and I’ve been feeling better under the guidance of them. As I round the halfway point contemplating, I felt I never really went anywhere with a bit of guidance. I always feel like I’m holding a map I can’t read and I still need directions.

We can sit here and lie with “I know what I’m doing” and “I know where I’m going in life”. But do we really? If that one person or thing wasn’t there to inspire or push you, would you be at this moment in your life? Without that moment where realization needed to be reality, would it have happened like this? We all remember the positive influences. For some, we have to remember and regret the negative influences. Looking back we might say they were negative or bad decisions; but in that very moment, it felt necessary and even urgent above all else. For me it wasn’t one full moment of clarity, but it was small moments just punted me along. And for me, it took a couple bad thoughts and a bunch of bad apples to tear it all down.

Nearing the end of my run, I could only think of the few things those few things I’ve learned about myself. Some good advice I should have listened to before. Do what you feel you want to do and not the wishes of others. You are the only one seeking your direction.

In time, I’ll be back where I felt I belonged. All I can do is run laps in my mind, readying myself for my second chance.

Have a little clarity everyone, until next time!

I do believe this summer is it!

So we all know it’s summer. Balmy, humid, sunny, wind if lucky, my computer has to run on the max cooling settings to prevent it to smell like burning plastic and metal. Today was a nice opportunity and hopefully many others to get out of the house and give my rig a vacation. After all it’s been through the last half decade, a cyber-sabbatical is what it deserves. This means, I have to shape up my life. It isn’t much except a culmination of many things, just last Thursday I made it past step 1a which is secretive since it is my life. You’re the internet, no need to dull you; I dropped hints so figure it out if you are curious. But here is what step 1 looks:

  • 1a. “Job app”
  • 1b. Diet and exercise adjustment, 2.5 kcal and 2.4 km
  • 1c. Treatment withdrawal
  • 1d. Alternative treatment

So right now I have to make sure I exercise and eat well until September. I dropped my requirements since I barely needed physical activity until fairly recent. With 1a done, it’s more encouragement to go through it. I did it once as a teen, I can do it again.

The latter half is a bit more time consuming, but progress is coming. A prescription and a lower dose, just hope my mind doesn’t fall back into the hole it dug. The pharmacy is having trouble with this order for the last week or so, Tuesday I am going to check in after a week of this roller coaster. I’ve been through all my faces and it’s been kind of an odd trip. Euphoric, depressed, enraged, deterred; at least I cried once…okay, twice…maybe three. At least I don’t feel suicidal or crazy; thankfully not either or both. I think in a way it is the drugs and a bit of repetitive reinforcement. They say you need a support group to help you through, I say it’s all smack since no one came to me and helped in any way. Even at my worst I felt like no one was there to guide me through. When I broke down, no one came to fix. Thanks school for providing realistic personal management skills, sure made me a better person…NOT! No one to watch my back, it hold on to what I have left or fight for everything one inch at a time. I fought and fought it down to the blood soaked mud. I am awesome, I can do it. I can do it. Currently, I am dropped to a small dose to keep it as a safety measure in case those thoughts try to pry themselves back in. While that is happening, think happy thoughts.

Right now a lot of happy thoughts to keep me holding on. A wedding, an anniversary, a second chance. Much to be grateful here and now, seize it and remember what I have now to live for. I have to remind myself that I have bigger things in my life to achieve and win or lose, they’re going to happen. However, if all goes well. I should be drug free by fall, and a bittersweet farewell to the only reliable friend always by my bedside. My blog, I can be anthropomorphic as much as I want!

After that, I have to find alternative treatment, well have my be an exaggeration since I want to be drug free for the rest of my life. I just need my treatment to be drug free and suitable in cost and lifestyle. I am thinking in terms of therapy. Maybe ask to see if I can get a psychologist to help me out. Big part for me is to turn down video games and try to enable myself into time restrictions to entertainment and luxury amenities. Working so far in this attack on all fronts with one down.

Speech > Poem

Awhile ago, I began writing a small speech for a special occasion. Mashing together something poetic at the seemed a great approach. Hindsight, it not the greatest idea for a speech. I don’t know where I got it but I’m glad I didn’t do it; for one thing it’s a speech, not a beatnik poetry reading. So scrapping the structure of similes, I went tradtional Surprisingly under a week, I did it after months of trying. It turned out to be very moving and personal without details. I hope the audience I will be presenting to will be moved and maybe motivated to see things from my point of view.

It was daunting for who has a odd sense of humour. Mostly dark, but getting past it was the real challenge. Sure I can sit here and be a word tease, and I am. This is more than a speech, but its a gift to the newlywed when they hear it. So disclosing it over the internet is likely a bad way of keeping it confidential. For now, it’s somewhere safe and sound for me to practice. Though I think some people are getting close to over looking my shoulder, or I can be paranoid; never really great at keeping secrets. Hopefully I get to tell it to the fifty or so spectators before my wonderful readers get a can to be enlightened by this small speech.

Well five months or so until then. Yeah I am really going to be a tease about this. But to be nice, I’ll have another post up for you guys and gals to think about.

Little lyric in the morning – “Ode To Particles”

I woke up this morning and had this spark of imagination I want to share with you all.

No doubt science has attributed to a lot in society and we become more aware to it as well set our sights to the last frontiers of this world and beyond. Over centuries we discovered more about our world than we have over the entire course of our species. We look up and see distant worlds where we use to see the heavens. Curing ailments, once diseases. Crossed great lengths over land, sea, air and one day space itself. We attribute these actions to innovators, inventors, discoverers and explorers. Heroes as we know them are never recognized for their deeds. They don’t ask or want approval, they do what needs to be done for the enrichment in all of us.

In my eyes, a hero can optionally be a person. But it could be an idea, an object, or a goal. Simply put, it is everything. What is everything? It is the question I woke up today to come to realize how critical it plays in our world and beyond. In this epiphany, it is a gift we all take for granted yet we know very little about in our daily lives. Here, I would like to share my revelation to the world in a poetic gesture of appreciation; I hope you enjoy it.

You are small, yet a vast collective

Apart of a whole where we see none

Traveling without destination

Always arriving

You are a foundation

Of all we see and do

Contained in an infinite vessel

With unlimited expections

You created us without knowledge

A product of change

To never understand us

We wish to discover you

You provide what we never asked

Love, hate, ignorance, acceptance

Though to never experience them too

We too never understand you

Space, time, beginning, end

Wandering to seek a distant answer

You are everything we can see

Though you elude us

You are the whole, the sum

The world, the one

The food like gum

To the warmth of sun

You never lived nor will ever die

Fulfilling your task

As a testament of us and all

While we dreamers rise and fall

Sucker Punch – Just action/adventure? [Possible spoilers]

Yesterday, I had a good opportunity to go to the movies rather than downloading. Though I personally dislike the movie experience to a certain degree, it’s a good way to break off and just do something with a group of people. Of course awhile back; I saw Battle: Los Angeles, it was what I expected to be and not other great surprises. Though I usually gauge a film on it’s intellectual merit. And so far in the last year, I think Sucker Punch is by far the best I’ve seen with very relevant and relatable themes. Okay, maybe not really relatable for me, but more of themes I subscribe to most of the time.

To put in a few words; “insane” girl escapes imagination where awesome stuff happens and there’s like 3 storylines that parallel though one of the storylines is the actual movie itself. But I tend to over analyse a good film to really think about how this movie communicates with me rather than what’s on the screen but more of what it’s trying to tell me. Overall I didn’t really guess the title would give away so much, but it does lend a question of how the plot would be and how the climax would develop. Though technically the narrator is a secondary character, I feel it is more of the protagonist than Emily Browning’s character. Though it is focused around her being committed and subjugated in the asylum and its contextual metaphor , the bordello/cat house (whatever you may call it, but lets just say bordello). Though the story takes place in a metaphor for a metaphor (the action scenes). Without it, I think it would’ve been more drama than gun play.

It is pretty great how Zack Snyder manipulates the story towards the psyche. Where one moment you think it’s going to be one of those rated R flicks, but rather it’s a decent action film with a very deep meaning that can be rated R (…I guess). The contrasting images of the feminist ideal of freedom and the objectification of women to sexual appeal. Where two worlds, they are more trapped within an institution while the third pulls together freedom and free of oppression (i.e. soldiers, Nazi zombies). Does bring the point of freedom is fought for rather than hoped.

Another theme I thought was very prevalent was the concept of various movie subjects that should really never be on the big screens. First being the obvious male fantasy of women in mini-skirts in a PG-13 movie; to that, kudos Snyder. Second being the World War 2 action sequences involving M4’s and H&K orgasm-ry against the Nazi zombie robot army in a modern 300-esque battlefield. There were a good mix of fantasy and rustic reality. Though overall I felt that the mental health facility was the best being a comparison to the overall story being told within a bordello sequence where the same likeness of that character is faced with a similar situation. So in a sense, the narrator is more as narrators of two similar stories where a selfless hero dies to save her companions after a few risked their own lives to save themselves.

Despite the stereotypes of both the antagonists and protagonists in a 1930’s atmosphere, it was really worth my 30 bucks I spent since I think I spent two hours watching more or less 3 films with the same plot. Overall, I would definitely watch it at least once. If you’re a internet person, then definitely a Netflix download or stream would be recommended. I would also agree to a second go at the cinema, however I’m that kind of person that does not like to be very repetitive especially in film selection. Drop a comment on what you think, later bloggers!

Writing for one

I think everyone has written something pretty deep about themselves at one point that you will never see nor hear. It could be anything from a Grammy Award speech or a letter to an ex that will never be delivered. I think we’ve all done it at one point. But about something memorable and dignified. Not to express your ego but more to open up that last moment in a summary of your life.

Picture you on a hospital bed about minutes away from death’s doorstep. You have enough energy and strength to write one page, what would it be on that very page? A letter of regret? A long legacy? Maybe athe final touches to the will? During that particular moment if I had the time to fill in on a sheet a paper my final worldly words, I would be speechless.

I wouldn’t be sure what exactly would be at the very end since I have too much to say to the women in my life that inspired me to be a better man. Speechless goes to the people who pulled me through the worst and saw the best of me. Blanking from one person to the next knowing eternity is just beyond; the very page would be blank since there’s nothing I would put down to tell them how I feel. Even typed, I would be in awe of very little and so much I endured that the very few words I would put down would be as this:

“I was never an honorable, respected or even loved by all. Neither I am a hero or villian of my life’s story. Whatever be my fate for those believers and the horizon casting upon me, I know the world will be what it is as seen through my very eyes. My life as well in my death was as this – dignified.”

It wouldn’t even fill a page nor request how I wish to be buried but a cryptic yet solid view of the world around me as I lived it. Sure people would say “bury me under the maple tree as Silent Meadows” or whatever the final resting place may be; however I think there is no end, there is always life.

Though my eulogy would be approximately that very quote. I don’t think I would really would feel right to do so considering I have nothing to say except the regrets I’ve repressed over the years. I would consolidate on just a quiet place before burial. I know I may be way too young to think like this, but I’ve considered how everything in my life has been. I’m not quite sure how I would put it into words especially if I knew if I could get it off my chest.

Even as a short chapter to my memoir, I wouldn’t know how to put it into words that would convey all the emotions. Though if any advice I would give would be for someone young and in their teens discovering themselves and the potential they wield, I would only offer one for those who ended up in my position and are falling from such grace.

People always describe them as victims, but I feel compelled to disagree and believe they are the true heroes of their lives. There is no worse earthly evil except the emotional struggle of self. I have been there more than I could ever count and if I could I would save every soul, but acceptance and tolerance to understand is the best I could give to these soiled souls. To some see as a change, I see bravery. To some see a troubled person, I see a fallen warrior. To some see untimely death, I see “save me from myself”.

I might be in a dark moment in the sunlight right now. Looking back at the storm clouds and the debris I’ve left behind, I don’t want to run away; but to scream to those lost souls and guide them towards the calm bright end or what was a miserable and violent storm.

Wouldn’t you agree? Share a glimpse of those moments. Would you do it all over again knowing you can save one more person? Could have you imparted some knowledge of the world after to someone in need of such wisdom? I wish I could’ve or can if it meant one less in my position in my life.

Day 10: Half way but half ass

Afternoon, I just had a wonderful lunch of pasta and sausage. I know I promised that retrospect, but I decided to scrap that idea since my memory of 2010 is pretty personal and short. But without a shadow of a doubt, I’m still going strong in fighting my addiction.

Today, my headaches stopped sort of. I can still feel my head throbbing like mad, but it doesn’t hurt as much. I still feel tired and pathetic; but hey, my 9 day headache is almost gone. I think I might pull through this, I just to hang in and hold firm. Definitely sitting here and typing than playing really makes the difference. Rather than shutting down, I’m just letting it out and just calming down. Well, not really calming down; more like being open of my unfortunate situation. My sleep cycle is still out of whack, I might have to tweak around a few things to get it right. I just hope I don’t relapse; or worse, get through this all over again.

You know how you were a kid and you had that one thing that made you happy and without it you feel pretty sad? That’s me and video games. Like most of my childhood was video games. It raised and taught me the finer details in life no mater how obscure or exaggerated they are. It was always there to reward and punish me. The one thing I turned to when I need to be comforted and feel needed. Listen to me going on like this; but that’s the underlying truth, video games is my only friend and it’s hard for me to turn my back to something I really put my trust in. Without it, I just feel empty inside like I lost a part of myself.

The plan today is to nap considering I only slept for 3 hours, then maybe make a couple phone calls and maybe try and call whoever reached my cell phone yesterday during my walk. Apparently, someone called and I didn’t feel my phone vibrate. I’m that kind of person who doesn’t want an auditory distraction, there’s just too many phone like that. So I took a simple and polite approach to my phone and just set it to vibrate so it doesn’t annoy anyone. After I took my necessary rest, I think I’m going to have either eat or type more to get away from the game icons. I really need some inspiration since I haven’t written a poem since November. Maybe bug my girlfriend a bit when she’s not busy.

As always, sharing is caring so leave a comment or suggestion. I’ll will definitely be seeing you all tomorrow!