Depression is…

For those who never had that friend or has (and hopefully) never encountered depression. I personally have been up and down, now I want to give you some idea how it is to live with it.

People ask “How are you?” but never gain the curiosity to ask “What is it like?” If you have ever been afraid to ask here’s how I can say about it. Depression is…

1. waking up and feeling like the world just doesn’t like you. Activity exercise to really put you in the mind set, you know how people tell you to say good things out loud to yourself in the mirror? Do the opposite.
2. when someone attractive looks at you, you just feel too ugly for that person. The “you’re gorgeous but I know I’m never going to be good enough for you” attitude instantly sinks in.
3. being exhausted. Constantly. You get up after a full night’s sleep, tired. Brushing your teeth, tired. Sitting in class, tired.
4. hearing “good job” from someone but internally you hear “you aren’t good enough and this is just a passive aggressive way to let you know you’re worthless and anyone can do a better job than you”.
5. constantly fighting the inner voice. The negative things just pushing you back into bed and forcing you to hide everything from everyone.
6. weakness, the feeling and afraid of people knowing it. You do everything even if it hurts to seek approval because of #4.
7. when you reflect on your achievements but you realize it’s nothing compared to other people’s achievements.
8. thinking about what is best described as “Call of the Void”. Fascination of suicide to think about how to harm yourself or others. Though I would like to add perhaps the thoughts of what lies beyond your own death.
9. self deprecating every interaction. Luckily I’m shy so I can suppress those comments but I occasionally let one slip.
10. making a list and throwing it away. Nothing achieved for a non-achiever like yourself.
11. after hurting, you poke where it hurts just a feel the the pain a bit.
12. the manifestation of all your parents shame for you. Try doing the simplest things and having a nagging voice whispering you can’t do it.
13. loneliness. Being trapped inside and hearing the world but the world cannot hear you.

It’s the best I can put it. But I hope it makes you think about the mind of someone depressed and maybe ways to help someone suffering. And those suffering, know you’re not alone.

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Into Airsoft

As I am writing this, I am ill. Being stuck in bed means I am and for the first time blogging from my phone. Hopefully everything makes sense and spelling is fairly correct.

So what have I been up to this week? Much has happened since my last post. First being I got sick which I am recovering slowly yet terribly. I sure how I got sick but I know it felt like it came suddenly starting with a scratchy throat. For the moment with some medication, I can function with little interruptions.

On Wednesday, I paid a visit for the first time to buy some airsoft equipment which I am happy turned out well. Though I am short two magazines and some clothing, over the coming month I might be able to fill it all in. In the mean time here a pic of all the things I bought.

In the picture is my brand spanking new airsoft gun from King Arms with a gun bag for legal reasons. I bough a lithium polymer battery and a smart charger. Though travelling to the store was tough, I think my entertainment budget is effectively maxed out for the year if I don’t find a good way to make up for losses.

Speaking of entertainment and losses, my adventures in The Long Dark will be on hiatus for awhile. I am starting to feel a bit burnt out from travelling. I think my sickness is getting to me. However on good news, I did record some Pulsar Lost Colony so those episodes will be uploaded and published.

Also some time soon, I will convince Jessica (“Allahweh”) to start a co-op playthrough of Starbound. I hope soon since my summer scedule is getting packed.

Speaking of which, recently I had a nice chat on her Gaming Goddess Podcast. We talked mostly about streaming and space games. I have to admit I was nervous but I think I was okay as a first timer. Definitely would like to come back on her show.

But for now, I need to rest and heal. And hope I am better tomorrow.

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Happy new sickness…

Sorry guys for the lapse in content. There were some unforeseen consequences in the fact that I got sick and wicked bedridden for the last few days. I thought spending time with people I like to hang out with would be nice, but I guess Santa Clause thought I was super naughty and gave me an illness. Lets rewind back and give you the full story.

T’was the week of Christmas, playing some STO.

Then I got a text from my sis saying “D&D, wanna go?”

Leapt from my chair and donned my coat, I marched through the white,

Might’ve stopped by Subways, for a small bite.

Moving through slush, I reached the steps up.

Got in and was invited with a full teacup.

Boldly we rolled our characters, a Dwarf of healing.

Had a feeling we would all be wiping.

Into forests we traverse to a world unknown.

“Hey getting pizza, what you want?” a female tone.

…okay, I’m sick so this rhyming, is heavy on head.

I felt sick after that and went home to bed.

 

After Christmas I felt the symptoms; coughing, headache, sore throat. So I did my best to rest. Right before the Eve, thats when it got all worse. I woke up with a fever and my body was just tired. So I stayed in bed until my fever broke, and it did after a few days with most of the symptoms. Almost day four, and I’m trying to choke out the coughing. Rest and fluids should help, but I still have a headache. In a house full of noise, well it’s to rid it. I do my best to sleep when it’s loud and try to do what I can to not make it worse. But this headaches gone so far, I want to shut them all up by with some germ warfare with my coughing. On the upside, I got some neat gifts. Without any hard drive space, I am going to have to play them one at a time. 

I was able to get some headway with Skyrim with the Dawnguard DLC. After, maybe run around in the nuclear wasteland of New Vegas in Fallout. However I do want to pay GLaDoS a quick visit in Portal 2 and maybe try some player made creations. 

Well, I wish the Internet can help me recover right now from my illness. I don’t know, somehow feed me chicken noodle soup through my Playbook. I could use some warm delicious soup with chunky chicken bits.

Until that day comes, I’m going back to staring at my ceiling in the dark. Until next week, I hope you all had a better [insert holiday here] and a hangover-free New Year. Now back to bed….