Slow in Sixteen

Happy new years, readers! As much as I want to be jovial, I feel anchored in 2015 and dragging myself into 2016. Dragging because I’m getting older and I don’t want to grow up.

Ripe in this moment in my life, I went from having a broken heart and a broken dream to just hanging on a bit of hope alone. From one bad thing to another in the past few years,they seem now stepping stones. Coming into 2016, I feel my time is running out. I fear in 40 tears time, I will have a big regret of never spending my time wisely while I was young. The last decade whipped by me so 20 years can easily be a blur.

I still have time to set things in motion for the next few years. My stubborn hope is all that keeps me from giving up. Hope in something I have yet found. 2015 was the year of recovery, perhaps 2016 will be the year of discovery; maybe rediscovery?



Over the past month, it has been a moments of up and down. There were days I felt demoralized and alone. And there were moments I felt calm and better than I was the moments before. As Christmas approaches, I feel a sense of mental fortitude should be necessary for the holidays.

Over the past decade, my body went through highs and lows. Not only the physical but the mental drive I had was slowed and then rebuilt. The toughest part about it was going at it alone. The hardships one can endure alone is the most difficult to overcome. The way I see it, loneliness in times of need is the bedrock bottom of any hole anyone digs for themselves. In the past year like many years in the past decade, I felt like I dug myself into such a hole while trying to climb out the darkness I’ve sent myself. Recently I feel I stopped digging.

With a job with me and hoping for more coming my way, I feel things are going upwards and outwards. Here staring at my ceiling, I reminded myself about the words that helped me through so much and has taught me to never give up. Find purpose. You see after struggling through so much in high school, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of myself. I never found a niche, never found what I truly wanted to do, I never found what I really wanted most for myself personally and professionally. Perhaps I never was meant to find something specific and maybe I was meant for more than an accountant, a technician or a labourer of sorts. Unlike video games, we aren’t given a difficulty selection; we play the game as it is whether it is easy or hard. There will be days when you can drift by like you can sit down and relax, then there will be days drawn out to where you want to drown it all out. Regardless, I have to play the game as it is on the knowledge and wisdom I’ve earned. I don’t know where this stage of my life will lead, but I will find my own way. Finding purpose to what I want to be maybe hard, then perhaps finding a purpose for the future is not my purpose. If I’m unsure what I want for the future, then maybe my purpose is here and right now. I should strive for something I want right in the moment and fight for it at this very moment.

I don’t mean getting food when I’m hungry or napping when I’m tired, but do something different and new. My life doesn’t seem to follow a path and it doesn’t have to as long as I can make my own. I’m getting old but I’m getting wiser with every experience I can expose myself towards and perhaps this is my purpose. Sure stumbling in the dark not knowing where to take a step is not what people feel comfortable with, but perhaps try. You will find yourself unafraid and a bit more confident in the dark. You will see something new, different, or see the dull things as interesting. Perhaps gain some respect and perspective on something you never thought yourself you could need, be or want. Finding purpose isn’t just a materialist or forward thinking idea, I think it’s more about being here in the present and exploring yourself and your surroundings. We should find some purpose in that and make our path.

Until next time, let’s be trailblazers together. Thanks for 3 extraordinary years on WordPress!

Overcoming My Own Obstacles

If you’re like me, you know you fallen onto so really bad times in your personal. You get into trouble or trouble finds you. When it comes down to it, everyone lives in pain. Whether it is mental or physical, we all have a weight on our shoulders. When we take it off, more is added and when we keep it on, the more heavier to feels.

There will be days when you get through the day dragging this baggage. For some, there are days when this baggage will hold you down and relentlessly beat you until you cannot fight anymore. For me, I have lived through the best and worst parts of my life and looking back on it, I still fear there will be days when I will be held down by my self. Through my voice, people would see someone tumbling through rough patches and small walls of negativity. Through my mind, I am a man standing in a warzone; battered and beaten as I lay hurt in a crater of mud and layered in sweat. Shocked to see how far I still need to travel, I know in my state I cannot run nor walk to safety. As the raindrops fall on a darkened sky, I know I’m still clutching on myself and what’s left.

People would describe succinctly as feeling depressed or sad. In reality, it’s an internal battle of self and the unknown enemy. The enemy knows you well to stop you in your tracks. The enemy knows where you will move and how to distract you. They will do what they can to hurt you and break you down. In this struggle, there are many who never see the end of the fight. Then there are those who dig in and make their stand. For those who don’t know this feeling from back to front, they will never understand how difficult it can be when it has destroyed you and you have to piece yourself to carry on.

When it comes to fighting, know your enemy. You can be hardest person on yourself or you can be the greatest asset in the arsenal. Once know how you are stopping yourself, you can find a way around it and push forward. You feel empty and without purpose? Find something with meaning and devote yourself to a goal. You feel you cannot live through the day? Get dressed and show the world you can live each day and each day is worth living. You lost a love? Find something worth loving, including yourself. Sometimes the the smallest step forward can lead to an aggressive advance to the right direction. All you need is one step, one small step forward.

When you find yourself able to pick yourself out of the emotional holes you have fallen in, you need to learn to carry on without feeling heavy anymore. This is not a quick fix, it is time you will need to learn. As a teenager, I fallen into many holes whether I push myself into them or someone else threw me in. I was the loner, the loser, the idiot, the useless child and the weakest of the bunch. I wanted more to my life but with hormones on high and reason so low, I felt it was my fault I feel into these holes even though most wasn’t necessarily my own. I wanted to conform, find a group and be one of them. In the end, the answers I wanted are those I wouldn’t expect. I am different; I don’t fear to be different. It took me a long time to realize the answer I wanted are not the ones I really needed but the ones I felt I need because I saw them on others. In all the sadness I caused in myself, I just needed to be different.

You are different too. The world might tell you what they think you are; the reality is in what’s in you mind. If you want people to see you as a person you are not, you will definitely be unhappy in keeping with a facade that is not you and will never become you. Find yourself, how you are rather than how you want others to see. Do not fear what you will find and embrace who you can become.

When you find yourself, you will find it’s easier to crawl out of the holes you will fall. Sooner or later you will find yourself marching forward into the darkness. And together we will march towards the darkness to fight to the bitter end. We might be fighting different battles, but we must not let the enemy know we have given up. Keep fighting and you will find other who will stand beside you to keep fighting. Life is a war, you have the power to change what you make of it. It may be harder on others, but you have to know, we are all in it together and we will prevail.

A old mod anew

Certainly we remember those glorious days of our youth when those tedious trivials would be a landmark achievement. The first frag, first kill streaks, first time video games became an oasis of reality. She a digital mistress I still have not yet quelled, but her hold is something to be enchanted. She could make you see things in a new light even if you wanted something so, she would tempt you with this tool. For you, it would be a yearning for the next kill, next accolade, next opportunity to say “I am the best!” For me; its a mix of three things I think it is worth playing for; co-op, FPS, sci-fi. When done right, she’s got me like fanboy toy. Sure, Star Trek Online has me on my feet playing hours on end. It just more instances and dungeon runs in the Trek universe. I like the talk and playability, but it’s missing the action since most of the time it’s a stand and shoot routine like Counter Strike. Co-op is lacking in STO. Four man dungeon runs, your choice to either run it in space or ground. Biggest pitfall is that attraction but turned down by lack of action and repetitive content. Granted replay value is well endowed, but after hours on end you say “that’s it?”

Sure I can save face and accept this to be my level cap. But, I want a thrill that intimidates the most veteran player. Story driven, but action packed either with puzzles or zapping dudes. Awhile in the mid decade, I wanted something tailored to me. Star Trek meets video games. The catalyst for the Star Trek game I want started with the fascination of Star Trek Enterprise. Back in ’06/’07, I found my interest into a little Half Life 2 mod-to-be. At the time it was called “Enterprise: Temporal Cold War”, the premise was a nice set up to extend what the show’s writers would’ve wanted (probably). The voice acting was a start when I started to follow along, but it was insanely close. Who knew someone could do an impressive Scott Bakula? Unfortunately things turned ugly fast. People have obligations, but it was an addiction I wanted to feed. As their team broke apart to pursue bigger things, my heart sank as they released the source files for everything they made. It was the first time I had my video game heartache, video games never felt right; jumping around to play something that quenched the craving. Even though slated as a single player modification, TCW was something to almost to the precursor to STO (unofficial, of course.)

Fast forward to present day. I have what I wanted, though the bounty isn’t what I would really want, close enough is good enough. While looking around the internet, I would take a chance at peeking at games and mods in progress thanks to Moddb. Inputting the words star, gate, and trek. And look what spewed out under the guise of a CryEngine 3 game, Star Trek Enterprise: MACO. Under a different name, but it looks like they’re coming back together. Alas, I may get what I wish in a couple more years. For now, it seems like they are are porting their content. Give it time to hit that frontier, then watch progress roll through; if not, dilligently check back for updates. I for once am excited and renewed at a possibility of a Trek game done right; not close, but dead on.

Hopefully it will turn out for the best. This time, they have me checking in for those updates. Who knows, I might volunteer (depends who they need.)

Moddb Page:

[Note, they say it is a Crysis 2 mod but the plastered the CryEngine 3 decals. Not quite sure if they’re working in the SDK (source development kit) or an editor derivative of Crysis 2.]