ADHD is…

Last week, I’ve wrote about what goes on in my head when I’m depressed. Depression is also one of the comorbidities with ADHD, just one more thing to make mental health even more complicated. The mind is just a wonderful and immensely messy medium.

In some ways mental health is both a good and bad topic. It’s not just identifying disorders and disabilities but to really give someone closure and inclusion to their problems. It gives everyone the “now I know what to do” strength and the “I am not alone” peace. Rest in peace my doctor who gave me 5+ years of service, he helped me identify who I am mentally. I came in as a sad young adult and over time I’ve came to accept it. A lot has come in terms of researching mental health ever since I self-identified. However there is much more to do to find cures rather than fix symptoms.

Like in my last post, I want to those who identify as “normal” and without any mental illness to really understand the world I live in. Also give context for others to really relate back to how I am or what I feel.

So what does having ADHD feel like? ADHD is…

  1. Going out always involves doing something random. The Big Bang Theory has a neat sketch to illustrate this. Take a dice and put all the options on each side and roll it for every decision (no matter how menial).
  2. Fidgeting. Uncontrollably.  Try not tapping your bouncing a part of your body.
  3. When you get to your favourite place and not be hungry.
  4. When you get to the tacos place, “I want dim sum.” A Chinese restaurant later, “I want a burger.”
  5. Anything shiny or colourful off the corner of your eye will result in turning of a head.
  6. My brain persuades me to sleep.
  7. Going to kid stores. As an adult. And you don’t have a child.
  8. The girl across from you is gorgeous and should go say hi but your burger is delicious.
  9. Reading a novel. After 1 hour, you find yourself finishing the first paragraph and spent the last hour on YouTube.
  10. Hopping on YouTube at 9 PM and going to bed at 5 AM.
  11. 4PM is your morning.
  12. “You come off as strong” is a universal phrase when dating.
  13. Being sick of taking your medication but you can’t risk having any “negative” symptoms. Can’t be sad or impulsive or anything that may be seen as abnormal.

I might have put this lightly but this is my insight to what I have, I’ve seen others demonstrate the same symptoms and are definitely ADHD but choose not to do anything. Even then, these people can sometimes point the finger right back and call you crazy. Mental health as a whole is a large pool of undiscovered solutions. In a way, mental health is like a frozen lake. Staring past the ice sheet you see the darkness. For me, I’m the darkness staring up to the beautiful sky.

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Depression is…

For those who never had that friend or has (and hopefully) never encountered depression. I personally have been up and down, now I want to give you some idea how it is to live with it.

People ask “How are you?” but never gain the curiosity to ask “What is it like?” If you have ever been afraid to ask here’s how I can say about it. Depression is…

  1. waking up and feeling like the world just doesn’t like you. Activity exercise to really put you in the mind set, you know how people tell you to say good things out loud to yourself in the mirror? Do the opposite.
  2. when someone attractive looks at you, you just feel too ugly for that person. The “you’re gorgeous but I know I’m never going to be good enough for you” attitude instantly sinks in.
  3. being exhausted. Constantly. You get up after a full night’s sleep, tired. Brushing your teeth, tired. Sitting in class, tired.
  4. hearing “good job” from someone but internally you hear “you aren’t good enough and this is just a passive aggressive way to let you know you’re worthless and anyone can do a better job than you”.
  5. constantly fighting the inner voice. The negative things just pushing you back into bed and forcing you to hide everything from everyone.
  6. weakness, the feeling and afraid of people knowing it. You do everything even if it hurts to seek approval because of #4.
  7. when you reflect on your achievements but you realize it’s nothing compared to other people’s achievements.
  8. thinking about what is best described as “Call of the Void”. Fascination of suicide to think about how to harm yourself or others. Though I would like to add perhaps the thoughts of what lies beyond your own death.
  9. self deprecating every interaction. Luckily I’m shy so I can suppress those comments but I occasionally let one slip.
  10. making a list and throwing it away. Nothing achieved for a non-achiever like yourself.
  11. after hurting, you poke where it hurts just a feel the the pain a bit.
  12. the manifestation of all your parents shame for you. Try doing the simplest things and having a nagging voice whispering you can’t do it.
  13. loneliness. Being trapped inside and hearing the world but the world cannot hear you.

It’s the best I can put it. But I hope it makes you think about the mind of someone depressed and maybe ways to help someone suffering. And those suffering, know you’re not alone.

It Could Be Anyone

I’m terrible at keeping this thing updated. I’ve been kind of just going on my own thing and I was planning a week long trip. Unfortunately all best plans fall short, especially with me.

With the recent ongoing crisis in my city, I feel like the aftermath brings so much hate and ignorance. Three months, a van attack with 16 injured. A shooting involving two children. Another that killed two downtown. Now 13 injured and 2 dead with the shooter slain. To each, a reason why. To each, a victim undeserved.

Watching the news about the recent incident causing mass bodily harm, I realize not just the victims can be anyone. The man with the handgun, 29, mental health in question, deceased.

We all make choices in life, acting mostly to the obvious and some the obviously easy way out. Of all the things I try to spearhead, mental health is the strongest issue I try to push onto others to learn. Since ever I identified my own demons, I was given another option. With everything I’ve learned in my short life, there’s always another way to fix all your problems – a peaceful and mindful fix.

For me, I do my best to help others and capture the intricate moments with my camera. I always felt like an outsider and tried to be in. But I’ve accepted who I am and now I’m just working on being comfortable with myself.

As much as anyone can be a victim, anyone can be their own bad guy. However a good human being is the power within knowledge and understanding the world around you.

 

 

 

Caught My Malaise

Well after a week and the heat has settled off. According to the news, I expected to see hot days ahead. Yet here I am trying fight away this feeling. I’m not thinking about anything yet and I hope I don’t. Let’s rewind to Saturday.

So Saturday is when I noticed I was really feeling worse than the day before. I still had the energy to go out and do stuff. Waking up late didn’t help, I still had a bit done. Then Sunday morning rolled in and I just had trouble sleeping. Turning in my bed, then seeking refuge in the basement for a few hours. I managed to sleep. Only to expend another weekend and a beautiful day. In the weekend I did nothing but take a few photos and saw the moon and Mars in the same city sky.

Sunday afternoon, waking at 8 in the afternoon. I’m rested in the sunset bleeding through the window. I hate every time I wake up, I feel I lost one more day in my life. Trying to claim to something that’s waning away. Sitting here on the backside of a heat wave and to be in the wake of another, I don’t think I can survive another day.

I just need to sleep away all this. Yes, maybe sleep it off.

Mental Health

This is one thing I have to be mindful of when I live my life. I take pills, apply therapy techniques and do my best to live my life. With the recent going-on’s in Toronto, I feel like underlying issue is left ignored.

During times like this when an incident on this scale happens, people get immediately angry and resentful. Myself included when I first heard the news, I was shocked and wanted nothing more for the suspect to serve his life behind bars. It is unfortunate knowing I walk the same streets and at any time, someone like this person would get behind the wheel and commit murder on this scale. Knowing one of those pedestrians can be anyone regardless of age, race and gender, it disturbs me to think I could be one of those unnamed and soon forgotten by the public.

Life – a fragile thing. Not only in preservation, but in keeping all the smaller things in perspective. Things like emotion, stability and clarity. To feel without overstepping while taking a stride with meaning without being led by emotions. Which is kind of why I’m brought to write this week’s post (though it feels I do this more bi-weekly).

The real question when crimes like this occur, I ask myself “What’s really going on here?” A lot of people focus solely on a person then blame a niche outside the norm. It’s equivocal if a hipster committed genocide because carnivores are destroying the Earth and veganism is the way to go. The way I see it, crime is a social issue. The question from “What this person has done?” to “Where did we go wrong?” Channelling the proverb “it takes a village” does reflect what happened and what has changed. From the restraint for the officer ending the situation non-violently to the tolerance to not accuse the suspect for terrorism right off the bat. We’re changing but there is niche groups that are still victimized because of radicalized individuals. It is sad people died because we live in a society still dictated by a toxic masculine point of view which objectifies men as much as it does for women. In a sense the recent pro-female movement has weaponized feminism into hating men than raising an equal society. This mirrors much of the recent movements started with good intentions and lead by those radicalized by them. Dissidence is important for a democratic society but the values we pass on must be of those of tolerance and critical thinking. To be objective and to ask questions beyond what we know to get a bigger picture.

If we can at least achieve this, perhaps things like this wouldn’t necessarily happen.

Rough Routine

It’s been a busy weekend to say the least, been trying to keep the days busy so I don’t fall back to where I was a couple weeks ago. Knowing my body and mind and fall apart like that worries me. Suffering from a panic attack really opened my eyes to the oddity that is the human mind and body. Best for me to keep busy and keep my mind away from all those weird thoughts I use to have.

What the plan and routine now is to push myself into doing more gameplay recording for my YouTube channel. Forcing myself to get back on the weekly posting schedule on this WordPress blog is a good course, wouldn’t want to abandon this (or abandon you). I might do a bit more in real life as well, weather is getting better to do more photography stuff. Depending how work looks for the summer, I might get certified for a few things. I spent a few times thinking about getting a bit certified to serve alcohol, maybe try bartending.

I don’t want to set out a schedule and a routine, seeing how my past endeavours became after I put a schedule in for myself. Yeah…that’s not going to happen since I never stick to a strict schedule. For now just do a few things everyday and see what may come. Hopefully my mood improves and a positive attitude will last.

Panic.

Not sure if I ever had this feeling before but something happened recently I cannot shake off and disturbs me. As I was laying in bed with my head in the clouds, I found myself in a dark place. I was spiraling out of control, one nasty thought to the next. Thoughts that question how I am and what I feel to the point where my heart felt like beating out of my chest. I laid there motionless as I tried breathing. Winding through all these dangerous thoughts, hyperventilating in a wide eyed state. Just as quickly as it happened, it all stopped. Breathing back to normal and my heart didn’t feel like exploding. Thoughts of myself disappeared.

I’m still figuring out what happened, but from what I felt it was a panic attack. It was really intense and scary. I don’t think ever in my life I could experience something so frightening. All I could do was lay there and let it pass, forcing myself to breath. I feel all the negative things in my life have compounded into this anxious moment.

A bit ironic since I had to check in with my doctor not too long ago. It’s worrying I have to be in this state of mind when I got no idea how many more times it could happen. Of course this is the first time, but how many more until I can tell someone.

I try to not involve my life in my blog, but this is the few times I really need to put it on record.