Hurting Inside

One thing’s constant in my life, trouble. I’m always being told I’m wrong. It hurts a lot when people who you think are friends turn against you when you know what happened was wrong.

Something happened I wish no one would ever have to go through and those who have been there, they know what I’m talking about. I understand why the silence is painful, how loneliness can be the only escape. Even when you lose control, you just have whatever you have to keep you tuned in. It’s a rough time when you think everyone is against you. I want to say that no matter what happens, let it out to someone. Tell someone what has happened to you. It’s painful to hurt yourself and it hurts to keep it inside. Even worse when you can’t feel anything when there should be something.

Perhaps in time I’ll tell you what has happened to me but all I can say is it’s better to tell someone. Even if it’s a friend or someone you thought you can trust, it’s better to tell someone than let it be a secret.

I’m so flooded of anger and hate and drained of emotions, I’ll let this post like this and hope this helps someone. I’ve done so much but I want to do nothing but make it better than just trouble.


Airsoft – On Ethics And Values

Here I am again, reading and watching news footage of kids and teen getting in trouble with airsoft replicas and anti-gun folks up in arms about criminalizing guns and everything guns. Around the same time, I finally returned to play a day of airsoft and realizing the game sits between its values. I witnessed this first hand. Some people  I might put as those players who take it up as a game and some groups of people take it as a hobby; however there is some consensus on the rules of the game.

Honesty is a heavy value in airsoft. In games I’ve played, there have been instances where players don’t call their hits. As much as the players endorse people to call your hits when shot, I’ve seen some people who don’t receive this message properly. My local arena always says during their safety briefing, “Airsoft is a game of honour. Call your hits.” Which brings me to my next point, integrity.

Integrity is self reflection after the situation and able to act the same wherever they go. Meaning you are the same person with the same view at work as you would be at home. Airsofters I’ve played with have a range of integrity, which is interesting. Some people like to talk honestly and play like a foul player while some do play an honest game. When calling hits, whether you raise your hand up or not, you did indeed were shot. You are admitting a fault, you were shot! If you take hundreds of BB’s to the face and complain about another player not calling hits, you might want to check your values. Airsoft is still a game, you can always respawn and try again.

Along with receiving, sending someone BB’s is much more a demonstration of personal values in terms of respect, responsibility and fairness. Respect to the respect and obedience to field rules, I admit I may have a few times came to breaking rules. At my local field, they have a strict no vaulting rule. Vaulting meaning jumping up, over and through obstacles. I may have in my own 6 month stint have jumped over a few low windows. Respect can also be seen from player to player in terms of being fair to other players the opportunity to show mercy. The field I got to don’t have range rules, in theory you can shoot someone point blank. However I’ve seen a varying degree in restraints. As many players have shot me point blank, there have been players who asked to surrender or just swapped to melee. Respect for personal equipment; leave it where it lays or return it to the front desk. Which leads into responsibility for yourself and fellow players. Helping other ensure all equipment is still on them and helping the game marshal recover lost equipment. I poorly displayed my values of responsibility for losing a pistol magazine which I have to now replace. As well as breaking a feed lip from my spare magazine, I am not a prime example of responsibility; however I do admit my faults as a player, that’s self respect and integrity. Lastly most players I’ve seen is fairness when it comes with over shooting. Most players I’ve seen have restraint and good trigger discipline to not shoot a downed player walking away to respawn. It’s a value heavily for me since I’m usually the one being shot first.

The local field does have one value they highly enforce, safety. Personal safety on the field since plastic BB’s fly at 380 feet per second. They endorse full seal eye protection at the minimum, but full face protection is recommended. Last weekend, I was humble to my mesh mask since the games got into a team on team with 40 players on each side. I did get shot in the face a good dozen times, my face would look like pepperoni pizza without the face mask. Then their “no duff” calls, used when safety has been violated where the game must stop to assess the situation. As recommended if the googles fog up, get off the field and deal with it in the safe zone and if it’s serious, call a “no duff” to let everyone know some happened. Recently with news of someone getting shot in the eye with a replica gun, they were cracking down on safety much harder with checking fire selectors, barrel covers and heavily enforcing their “no dry fire” rules within the safe zone.

Airsoft as a game does have a lot to teach in values in ethics for those who choose to learn them. Airsoft as a political stance robs a generation of risk and pushing them closer to playing indoors, not learning anything but to play the game in front of them.




As gamer, I have seen this interesting trend with a lot of publishers recently. Recently being a relative term because I’ve seen it in MMORPG’s and now in AAA publishers. Since I was about 14 years old, I’ve been going in and out of MMORPG’s. Most of these games usually have a client service, either a client maintained by the developer or a client server provided by a publisher. As I’ve seen recently this is spilling into games that do not necessarily be massively multiplayer.

To name a few services out there are some that have years of service with players; services such as, Steam, and the defunct Gamespy. In the early 2010’s, we’ve seen new services setting up with EA and Ubisoft, Origin and Uplay respectively. Three months into 2016, I’m now seeing the master plan for this client service with Origin and Uplay; if not, services like them. As a long time user of Steam, there are are their differences with this client service.

The way I see it, Steam is a platform for publishers to reach out to a potential demographic for their game. With their features like Greenlight to support independent publishers, their early access and free to play listings have grown immensely. Compared to Origin and Uplay as of the moment contains the games their developers have created. There is no cross pollination; no games beside EA games on Origin, no games beside Ubisoft games on Uplay. Their properties are highly popular on the mainstream with Battlefield and Assassin’s Creed to name a couple, there is no incentive use of the service. While Steam has the opportunity to explore and group players together as a social network and if this is true, then likely the last remnant of a 90’s social network!

What is more interesting now is triple-A publishers are experimenting with client services. Specifically using the service as a DRM gate, the “always online” trend. As much as I’m all about fairness for online games especially in multiplayer games; in singleplayer games like Watch Dogs and Assassin’s Creed, you spend most of the time by yourself with no interaction from the online system. The only exception is just for small systems like achievements, rewards and (I would guess) DRM. Fairness for achievements and integrity to keep players to play a genuine copy of the game are honest motives for having games always online, however I am concerned for the offline brother and sisters who play games on dodgy connections. Where does it get to the point where being always online does hinder and alienate the target audience?

More interestingly as I ponder the future for these amazing titles as they embrace having multiplayer features, when does the product become a service? Publisher-only clients really gain an income from having microtransactions, the in-game items or rentals. The only problem I see is most of these titles are leaning towards a heavy price on a game and microtransactions post-purchase. The problem I see is the mainstream demographic and titles usually push for better sequels which usually includes and iteration of a more integrated client. I wouldn’t know for sure but as more and more games to seem to be priced at premium while churning out gimmicks like pre-order content and DLC. Especially with recent games, games seem to have fallen into the “Day 1 patch” curse where broken games are being updated upon release. It really begs the question if that 60 dollars is worth the the extra money and the fact you have to stay online with a chance of paying DLC to keep up with everyone else.

In Desperate Times

Lots of dark chapters in human history. There are some we seem to glance over, exemplify or never recognize its significance. Coming towards a crises as a mind species, we could easily reflect on our actions but legitimize the plans we make for the future. The Europeans though it would be nice to have a fast trade route to Asia and Hitler wanted Germany out of debt, how can we predict a good action from a bad action?

As a child and teenager, I was always told “If you cannot remember the past, you are doomed to repeat it.” Only a very few phrases have ever stuck to me to shape the person I would become. I took history as a class an course through my school so I remember those pictures, those written experience; to remember what humanity has done onto itself. The troubling fact is I don’t remember myself. I don’t remember my childhood all that well and frankly, the parts I do remember terrify me and have scarred me. When people reminisce about their upbringing and ask to share my tale, I have to resort to two actions. Should I lie or tell the truth? One hand it would sound believable while the other will sounds either irrelevant or even people think I made it up. Fact of the matter, it’s a choice to say either but only one is the solid truth. The truth is never the right nor wrong answer, the truth is simply itself. Right and wrong is a judgement call from a third party bias. We distinguish right and wrong from what other’s tell us is right and wrong. This is the basis of law, is it not? It is the institution of drawing the thinnest line between good and bad and gets people to ensure we all stay on one side of this line and to always respect the line. As thin as you can draw the line, the easier for it to fade away and we see that in many ways. Is it murder when you do it self defence? How about if you do CPR on someone and they die? If you pushed someone out of harm’s way and accidently touched the inappropriately, would that be considered sexual assault? We do have laws in place of the exceptions but in my opinion, even with exceptions it would be in some cases an unbelievable tale to tell.

Within those split seconds to react to protect other, what is the overriding factor? In which instances are we more inclined for self preservation or peer preservation? Say generically we a thief who stole from you, would you rather have him steal money, food or your possessions? For whatever you picked if you caught him and explained himself, would you believe they were stealing to support themselves or their family? Now place yourself in the thief’s position; you are caught and you tell them the truth, do you think they would believe you?

Over the past week, I have hidden a truth to the world. I am at the breaking point where I am re-evaluating all the fundamental principles I was born and raised with to hopefully legitimize my next action. Back into a circle where two phrases stay in my mind; “This is bad” because all I learned go against these actions, “I need this to survive” because my current situation doesn’t allow me to think conventionally anymore. I am at a crisis where I will have to toss the rulebook aside and do what I have to do to survive or I might potentially die. If these actions are taken, I could get in trouble and void the opportunities I want to have for myself but I would live to keep moving on. In my mind, I wasn’t given the luxury to think in a grey zone. It has to be black or white, yes or no, do or die. Even my actions my seem small compared to others, some will have the comfort of thinking outside of my situation and find me as a misfit, a person on the opposite of the thin line. No matter what I did or what I say, I will be guilty and consequences will be made for a small action I committed because I chose to live one more day to work towards a better future. In essence, death is the only “right” answer at the moment but to me it is “wrong” answer.

In desperate times, do I choose slow death or survival? By the book or out with the book? Civility or necessity? These are the questions I am facing, real consequences affecting me as person and member of society.

Life, War, and Ethics (Humanity in a post)

In this wondrous era of technological innovation, we live in a time where old is over and new is never the same. Or is it? There has been strives in things we would consider just and unjust. Much of these changes are put forth to better a whole. We live in the present, the pinnacle of society to what was once archaic and what will it aspire to become. Though archaic, they are the foundations of society that we can never remove unless we remove what we built upon it. I’m talking about the morals and ethics we all hold and all have towards each other. The thoughts contained directing what we do and must not do. Probably one of the few things we intrinsically need to continue and without it, disintegration would follow. We live to survive, to find purpose, to find love, to do whatever we want to do; this is our dream our goals in life. But then from there we would have question how far you would go to make sure that happens. It does sound selfish at first but it is a question of how far you would go to stick towards that goal.


As a society, we have one sole goal; prosper. Many people go beyond this one word add their twist. Whatever obsessions, we all have this individual and social goal. We spend lifetimes to perfect it and even extend life to search for those answer we yet to understand or seek. Ancestral days have passed us many generations. Those people who stepped out and did the greatest acts of prosperity and still remain nameless. They harnessed nature to improve health by cooking and boiling. Invented tools like knives and clothes to keep providing shelter and a method in further utilizing the world around them. Little they knew they began a new path towards a technologically involved future. They never spoke words per se, but communicated in gestures and later one conveyed in cave paintings. After a vast and great migration we all heard from science teachers, they began something a bit unusual for nomads; settling down and building a life without worrying day by day about resources. They still kept some of the old ways to ensure a backdoor, just some way to up and go in case the path they picked doesn’t fair well. They began simple terraforming that later grew on massive scales to feed millions, then billions. This to us is called agriculture. Necessity was a driving force for all the happenings in this anonymous time we know little about except from the artifacts they left. Following food sources and water to maintain well being. Building tools because they needed things more specific for the job like cutting and slicing. As they traveled to strange lands, they needed ways to adapt quickly to the cold and the environment. That is what they did and did it for them and those they were associated.

Though settling down does sound pretty dull. They didn’t give up on crossing the river or climbing the mountain. They tried hard and explored what they have and what they could do to better their situation. “If I want to climb that mountain, I should settle in and figure this one out.” They continued building tools and discovering resources that would help them on the way to overcome challenges. From flint to copper, caves and overhang of trees to huts and houses. They did what they did to survive and move on. Later on as small groups bound together build larger and larger communities, their resources and infrastructure scaled with them. Building villages, cities, castles, and roads connecting in between. Alongside, languages resembling what English is now. Besides the verbal, visual communication in forms of characters forming an alphabet making letters, laws, literature possible. This documented their achievements of the time from birthdays, baptisms, deaths and dangers that came to them. Art even flourished to depict the best of times and the worst of times. The parties, the rituals, the sacrifices they endured.

The creativity passed on to bring forth new ways of thinking and doing. New societies formed, crumbled and forgotten until the modern era. They rediscovered this past and began to learn the lessons of those they will never know. Instilling a new way of thinking of self in society, largest we know today as democracy and currency which was introduced before the common era. This is the revolution of humanity; we learn, we forget, we rediscover.


Conflict has followed us after every newfound knowledge. Ever since the first homo sapiens had a disagreement which led to a murder, we always want retribution. We build methods to unleash our vengence with; starting with fists to sharpened tools, then came arrows and slingshots. This had much of a downfall which was the will to survive. So strong, we created countermeasures to protect us from the things we’ve created. First building shelter securing our resources, next was to secure our most valued vessels; our bodies. We built armour to protect us from bludgeoning, then from slicing with chainmail. Chainmail in fact was the best against swords that it was augmented with it’s brother, the suit of armour. Then when gunpowder was invented, no one was forever safe. Projectiles with this propellant could pierce armour of the day and even maiming and killing without much need to being face to face. So powerful, the world took notice and began to funnel money to this substance to use against their enemies. When faced with insurmountable odds, we once again adapted the technology to do more than light up the skies. Faster loading rifles, concealable hand cannons which we now call pistols and automatic repeating weaponry soon followed in 700 years.

When small balls weren’t enough, we found ways to make the balls better, rifling and redesigning for performance. And when bullets weren’t enough to stop those enemies,; we upped the ante to big balls and big guns of the cannon variety. When it couldn’t get any worse with machine guns and cannons, we built missiles; also could be consider one large bullet with a killing potential of an army. We didn’t stop there, we built nuclear weapons; massive to kill millions in a blink of an eye and destroy the ecosystem at a moments notice.

Only 30-40 years in to the end of the last nuclear test, we redesigned warfare to now be more precise as possible or destructive in the wrong hands. Not only killing lives but causing chaos with only a few key strokes away. Scary thought, isn’t it? Why hasn’t this happened yet?


Though crude as this contrast is, it proves a point about us now and what of the things to come. We all should step back from what we think and do to evaluate the current situation; whether it is self or others, the question should be “how can this be better?” And doing better is always moving toward prosperity. However wherever the better goes, the worse follows. Since humanity is all in a cycle of great things and it’s negative outcomes. Building things we think would do a lot of great things and yet much of it snatched away to be used for something sinister.

Recent example of this ying and yang is the Internet and it’s users versus the industrial complex prior to it’s development. Where freedom to share worldwide is wrestling against monitoring and restricting access to a vast array of computer networks. The old and the new, the many and the few, the company and the citizens; it is not of a war of brutality, but of neutrality. If steps are taken to close off this network, it leaves a foothold no matter how vague or specific it may be for the users. The ethics is whether we should reserve a place to protect the Internet. But from what and whom? The people who share ideas and information? The people copying and reproducing content? If yes to both, then I agree we should shutdown the copyright industry. What a twist eh? Let me explain. The lawyers on behalf of the publishing industry producing works of many people of many works. They all share ideas on how to make a video game or a movie. And even now, the theatres are stuck in a rut reproducing the same content over and over again. Sure with a slight change, but still that is splitting hairs like downloading said movie in 1080p and recorded on a camcorder. In a way, it is indeed a conflict of whether it is the right thing to do to restrict access. When we do, the walls will be built and likely will never come down. As a captain once said “The line must be drawn here! This far, no further.”

Having a sense of ethics is a critical part of the human experience. To align ourselves to what we ourselves consider right and wrong and create our own conclusions. It is a gateway value toward respect and moral thinking, the thing that tells us the necessary and unnecessary. Ethics is this framework to create a society, we made it so because it is necessary. In our society these ethics are deep rooted to preservation of life and making absolute choices in crises. It is imperative to assist in medical efforts in order to preserve the life of someone with a heart attack and render aid when possible and able. When someone hands you a gun and threatens you to kill someone or they kill you, you factor those variable of why you should and should not comply to this coercion. That to me is ethics, that is what drives me and should drive society.