Adult nightmares are scary

Last week, I wrote about the repetitive dreams. This week, I haven’t had the same dream. With Easter Sunday, I probably had more blank dreams. But I forgot to touch on the unwanted dreams, the nightmares.

Thankfully for me nightmares don’t appear as often. Perhaps those blank forgotten dreams were nightmares and in which case it would be very disturbing to know every time I sleep. In recent history, I’ve had two nightmares that I remember either fully or partially to haunt me.

Once I dreamt of a dirt road with ditches, much as what you would see in a rural region. As I looked across the landscape beyond this unpaved roads, I saw nothing but short grasses and unseeded fields tended by farms. As I walked along this road, I began to feel the road underneath me piercing my feet. Looking down I was barefooted and raised my head back up, I see a plain concrete building. No facade, no windows, no people; almost like something built in the 60’s or 80’s but looked incomplete but the purpose is overt. The small even windows and balconies, it’s an apartment building. I walked into what appeared to be the front door. I looked in, it was dark and lit by the ambient sunlight. As I walked into down one of these hallways, I saw people massed into rooms sleeping. Occasionally seen were small fires in the middle of these unpainted, unfurnished rooms. No doors inside, but all I saw was sickly children and adult figures laying on the ground cushioned with debris. I felt very uncomfortable but I felt I should look deeper. I walked in and facial features were detailed; they all looked like they were of Asian descent. Impoverished people wearing nothing more than worn out clothes, tattered and ripped. I felt panicked as I paced myself out back into the sunlight. The last thing I saw in the dream was me looking back and seeing the people toiling in the field behind this small apartment building. Not far off, there was a mountain range beyond the large fields. I didn’t see any cars which makes me wonder where these people came from.

It felt like I lived a moment in someone’s body. It scares me with all these amenities, people still live like that. Even as an afterthought, did I dream it was it something metaphysical? Is my dream is someone’s reality out there?

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Repetitive Dreams

Sleeping for me can be a weird, anxious roll of the dice. Entering this unconscious world chances a few things I would experiences. Most of the time, I see nothing. I would go to bed and wake up, boring uneventful sleep. Nightmares happen to a lot of people, it’s rare for me. But the ones I do enter a space like that, it’s scary and vivid. Compared to childhood nightmares, adulthood make it scarier. Lastly there are “the trips”; long, odd and (especially for me) repeating ideas.

This week I had part of a repetitive dream. The full or most complete dream I’ve had involves what I would assume are from experiences and concepts I’ve visually seen. In this recent dream, it always starts on a Greyhound coach bus which slows into station. It overlooks this small town with buildings no larger than 4 stories. As I descends the steps to street level, I can feel the weight of a backpack bouncing. As I walk down a wide road with these grey towering buildings, I find myself into what looked like an older district with red bricks and turn of the century architecture. The only thing tainting the old fashioned quarter was a tall highway scarring across back towards the bus station. The prominent landmark there is a wedge shaped building. It’s smaller than the one I live close to, but it was unique. The street bifurcating right at the building and flanked by these small stores, cafes and restaurants. The dream ends with the walk back with a slow encroaching sunset along the road leading back to the station. I would look up and always see red Chinese lanterns strung across the buildings. I would wake up either close to the bus station or on the bus that is waiting for me there.

If anyone know what this means, feel free to comment.

This is the tamest dream I have, while some are more intense.

2019

The last day. I feel around this time is appropriate to reflect and plan ahead for a new year.

Things yet finished, ideas yet conceived. Thus far I think the major thing that will keep me going is my hobby, photography. At the same time as much as I want to share it with the world, I would want to make an income of it. However I would be wary doing event photography or anything interpersonal. Last time I did such a thing, I war met with hostility. So prints would be an unfortunate fate if I would endure.

The hardest part about this will being figuring out how to really start it, I mean seriously starting a small business and hopefully turn a pyrrhic profit. Hopefully marginal to recover any losses. I’ve been trying my best to get it together. I’ve talked to entrepreneurial agencies, did research, asked questions. I’ve yet to reap the fruits of my labour. I am hoping though, eventually sell prints and make a small amount money. No promises though.

Even then, there is so much I still want to do before I grow into old age. I feel I’ve lived half my year in a shadow I’ve capitulated many years ago. I still don’t know how to win over it as an aging adult. While I can still feel my fingers and see fairly clearly without aid:

  • Learn to solder. Then repair and build my own devices.
  • Rock climb. I can dream but I want to at least do that once.
  • Travel once more this year. Might start it as a tradition. Visit outside my comfort zone.
  • Take up drone photography or try FPV drone things.
  • Try full frame photography. Long shot since cameras are expensive but I’d give it a go to see the difference for myself.
  • Try some new places to eat. I’ve tried before, I want to do it more.
  • Probably exercise more. I’ve been too relaxed on it but I think I’m coming in late on maintaining a healthier lifestyle. I should’ve started earlier but I didn’t necessarily have the money at the time.
  • Go on a battlefield tour in Europe. Ambitious but I could start saving up.

That’s where I stand and where I start. Hopefully you all had a better 2018. For 2019 as much as the world keeps burning, let’s not forget about others and ourselves.

Happy new years!

Thanks for telling I was thirsty, brain.

I had this really odd dream I thought it was worth sharing. Before I forget it, I best get to the dream.

It started in darkness and as quick as the deep black enveloped me, I felt warmth around my body. Then a quick flash of light, like a shimmering star. Then another and another; as I looked ahead, the light got closer. As it did, it grew around me and as quickly as it filled this space, I was entered a realm.

Hand gripping an overhead bar as faint lights zipped by in front of me. I noticed I was standing close to the front of a subway car; empty, lifeless as I felt it smoothly slowed into a station full of people. Peering out, everyone almost looked the same. The walls of the station decorated in shades of brown while the people who filled the car quickly were wearing brown; perhaps maroon. The car was quickly full; shoulder to shoulder with pale skinned folks going about their business. I saw a man with spectacles reading glasses reading his newspaper like a typewriter. I couldn’t make out the date or what was on the front page. Left was this woman wearing bright red lipstick, she smiled at me; almost reassuring. Brunette with a pair a faded blue pupils, no make up besides the lipstick. As I glimpsed her, I saw my shoulder and noticed I was wearing a dark blue shirt. I looked down to my feet I noticed it was a jumpsuit with black boots. On my left breast, it has something written and framed; like a nametag but I couldn’t make out what it said.

As the car travelled into the endless tunnel, I surveyed the space around me. A sea of brown and I noticed the decor matched the colour of the people’s clothes. Throughout this time, I remember feeling calm and relaxed. Even as I travelled up the car, people allowed me to slip past them. As the train slowed and stopped into another station, I looked out of its window and saw it was a similar station but this time there were armed guards in an open line formation. Gaps wide enough for one person to slip past them as they were armed with rifles; dressed fully in black, including the beret on their heads. Almost militaristic, right down to the tactical vests and equipment. As people filed out, I followed suit. As I did, I was swarmed by these guards and was forced to the ground face first.

Next thing I know I felt myself hyperventilating as feel my moist breath condense close to my face. My head was covered and I heard murmurs just beyond this cloth covering. As I realized my situation, I felt my hands tied behind my back as I sat on a wooden chair. I knew it was a wooden chair from the feel of the varnish and the cool warmth against my body. I was then forced to stand then march blindly. From the sound, it was a concrete hallway. Their boots marched in sync as their equipment attached to them bounced making metallic clinks and clunking against their clothes. Stopped at one point I was then forced to turn to one side, then a whirring sound close in front of me. I felt a cool breeze brush against me as the noise stops on a large thud. I felt a push of an elbow on my back, encouraging me to march further. Aside from the restraints on my arms and a hood over my head, I don’t think my legs were bound as well.

They forced me to stop and removed my hood. Next I saw beyond me was a silent sea of brown with stadium lights around me and concrete walls surround the place. At this moment I noticed why I’m here, it felt like an execution. So I struggled but they held me in place. One of the guards come right around with a pistol and aimed steadily to my head. As I braced myself, I closed my eyes. Then I heard it; the shots landing into flesh but I felt nothing. When I opened my eyes, I saw the guards collapse to the ground with blood pooling from their bodies. The crowd was still and quiet, not a gasp but only stares at me. Whoever fired off was on my side, I thought. So I grabbed the pistol from my would-be executioner and rifle from the dead and ran back into the corridor. I didn’t know how to escape but as I turned corners, I heard shouting and gunshots from down the hall. I saw these dark figures retreating as one falls. As they did I saw a glimpse of a blue figure as he turned to me and continued chasing the guards.

I wanted to wake up because everything is getting too intense. A botched execution, the guards, the blue jumpsuit figure. As I ran down this maze, I bumped into one of the guards and I drew my rifle. That moment felt like it was forever. As I did, he drew his and I fired as quickly as I could. Bang…bang…bang. All I saw was him falling to the ground as I ran passed him, I make sure he was dead since I wanted to get out. Every door I checked was locked; made of metal, I knew I wouldn’t be able to bash through it without one of the guards in the area discovering me and willing to finish the job. I came across these double doors and opened them. It was a darkly lit room, it was empty but I felt like I knew its purpose; an armoury. I saw bullets spilled on the ground, some of the tactical vests laid on chairs and tables as though they left in a hurry. There were even rifles and knives left over. I quickly collected what I need; a few magazines for my rifle, a vest to carry and dropped my pistol assuming it was dead weight with one full magazine. I strapped the vest over my blue jumpsuit and packed the rifle magazines into every pocket I can stuff them into and loaded a fresh magazine into my rifle. I looked out into the grey hallways, I could hear gun fire coming close; almost as though the fighting was coming right around the corner. I continued running, I kept bumping into one or two people and I just kept taking them down quickly.

I reached to a flight of stairs. I looked up then down. It was lit both ways but no echoes of distant footsteps. I had to choose a direction, so I went down in hope this place was more like a building than a bunker. As I went down, I found doors to each floor, either there were corpse laid on the floor or I could hear shouting and shooting. I kept moving on until I got tired of the stairs. I went into one of the floors and found more guards. Dispatching as quickly as I could, I kept moving until this hallway led me to an open area which looked more like a lobby, it was empty but with sandbags and ammunition scattered everywhere. On the other side of this oval shaped area was a set of turnstiles leading down. I went through and found myself on a subway platform with a deserted train. I went to what was presumably the front and saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I started to flick switches. As the gunfire grew close, echoing off the the lobby; I got out and jumped into the tracks and ran. At this point the guards caught up and started shooting at me and I could hear the bullets hit close to me. I kept turning around and firing a burst back and continued running for the light. As the light come closer and closer. The gunfire slowly ceased and I kept running until the exit. When I passed the tunnel’s threshold, I looked around and saw a grass fields in either side. As I looked up, I saw this grey monstrosity behind me with a blue clear sky with birds chirping. No shouting, not gunshots; just me catching my breath and the birds chirping close by and train tracks leading straight on.

I walked along the tracks for awhile and started to head off into grass. I don’t know how long I walked but it was pleasant compared to what I experienced in this dream. I came to this large cylindrical  tube that seemed to lead back to the grey featureless exterior and one end leading off to the distance. To the touch, it was cool and soft like a water balloon. I pulled out a knife and sliced a small hole and as water spurted out and began to drink from it. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was in the dream until this moment when the cool water was in my mouth. That’s when I woke up, thirsty I went to the fridge to pour myself a glass. When I sipped from it, it felt like the sips I took in the dream.

So apparently that was my brain telling me I was thirsty. Until next time, thanks brain for letting me know I’m thirsty.