Recently, I had the opportunity to use my “once a month” airsoft budget to play again. This time rather than the shy timid person I was, I opened up to myself as the personality that I am towards my fellow players. Though I must admit I was a bit physically rough with myself with some sustained injuries, it wasn’t that painful compared to my last experience. Definitely lessons learned and points to sustain for every outing. However this time as I readied for the first round of the night (2 v. 2 team deathmatch), I felt less of the hesitation and nervousness that I feel when I try something new. Second time at the facility, I really felt ready to play. My rifle recalibrated and optics finally sighted, any fears faded and began to live here and now. As the referee counted down – “THREE”, my mind racing and thinking. Will I draw blood this time around? I am getting older, why am I living like this? “TWO”, how will this round will turn out? how will other think if my injuries was caused by these actions? Hundreds of questions until the call. “ONE”, silence. It was me, my breath and heartbeat as I drew my rifle up for the go.
Many things in my life, the best things happened in my life this far, have occurred when I’m nervous and scared. Unsure of the future, unsure of the consequences; risk and risk alone was the award for me. Yet risk and risk alone was what ended those great ventures. When I was young, I feared risk. Risk of injury, risk of loss, risk of failure. Much of the best years of my life is avoiding risk. I realize risk is what I need the most.
Life is indeed about trying new things, growing outside a shell. Though it’s not permission to go wild, it’s the steadfast determination when facing impending consequences. Being into the very moment to think and react and to not be ready what will have days and weeks beyond.
This moment in time is what we have left of ourselves. The next moment might not be the same. It could be but there is nothing to gain in a moment if it is the same. In the very moment, nothing beyond should really matter but right now. In my life, it has only happened once. The moment when my mind clears and I am in that moment. The moment when everything is nothing but what I hear, smell, touch and see. Itself in words only can quantify an infinite feeling. It’s almost exhilarating and yet I dare find it.
Lesser are my fears even if they exists. Facing them and challenging them is one thing I alone must achieve. Perhaps in it all fear is our greatest enemy but tenacity is humanities greatest weapon.
Last 7 years for me hasn’t been the smoothest time of my life, nor has the past decade. In my times as a teenage and even not in my youthful adulthood, I always have to remember progress comes at a price. Regardless what I do, what we do; easy or hard, we do make small or large sacrifices to make sure it gets done.
Admittedly, I’m not a top score student. I have talked about my ADHD openly with you here and you can understand how difficult it is to pay attention at times. Even with the minimal distractions, I can easily be distracted. Which means sometimes I don’t always complete tasks or I never really see my goals through. My teachers and counsellors use to say I should set goals for myself. To be honest, even goal setting is a challenge for me since I would wander away from those goals and head towards something entirely. When I’m approached with the same question, I tell them same; goals setting is only a visualization of your end state. Goals happen at the other end and not necessarily what happens between where you are now and where you will end. Within this space, a lot can happen to throw you off your goal; and a lot will turn up to prevent you from finishing. I am not a firm believer of setting goals, but I do believe in setting steps towards an end state.
Like many things you learn or do, require set of instructions in a form of steps. With in these steps, certain things have to happen before you can continue to the next step. Once you finish the last step, you have done what you need to do to get to where you are now. For me, I set steps to get from one point to the next. Taking it at my own pace as efficiently as possible. These steps aren’t listed by they merge within to the following step to keep with the flow to get to the end state or goal. In honesty, most of these steps don’t necessarily take me to a goal. Rather these steps help me progress farther along the chain, not necessarily small goals because these are not my desire end states but rather points where I know I completed a small contribution to a large task. Let’s face it with a ADHD head, every task is a large task.
No matter how painful and long this takes, you take each step towards something you want to complete. Sure you can call it a goal, but I call it an end state. An end state being whether it is complete or not and even towards something I didn’t necessarily desired to happen. What matters you learned something from the experiences you had, did you best to get where you need to go, tried your hardest to push yourself there and saw it to the end.
Until next time remember no matter what your end state you want, always push yourself towards what you want to do or become and to never stop pushing yourself to it.
Spring’s here, that’s a given. Aside from getting out of bed earlier; this year, exercise is becoming a priority to me. I’m not obviously freaking out eating healthy and just becoming a total jock and pick up sports or be on an extensive exercise regimen. But for the start of spring, I decided to go for a run. With no inhibitions, I donned my athletics and at the crack of dawn; I went for a slow run around a route I measured to be 1.2 kilometres (just under 3/4 of a mile), completed just under 6 minutes which isn’t so bad. My aim is a 2.5 km run in under 14 minutes, 12 minutes if I can really do it.
Even for six minutes of a gentle run, I found some bliss into it. Stepping off my doorstep, it was quiet and silent in the twilight of the street lights. Eerie more like it, with the artery empty of car flow. As I made pace, I thought about the past months. Ever since I fell ill around Christmas, my state of health seems very amplified in front of me. Bit by bit, I’ve been working to get back into better health. Been talking to the doctors I have to see and I’ve been feeling better under the guidance of them. As I round the halfway point contemplating, I felt I never really went anywhere with a bit of guidance. I always feel like I’m holding a map I can’t read and I still need directions.
We can sit here and lie with “I know what I’m doing” and “I know where I’m going in life”. But do we really? If that one person or thing wasn’t there to inspire or push you, would you be at this moment in your life? Without that moment where realization needed to be reality, would it have happened like this? We all remember the positive influences. For some, we have to remember and regret the negative influences. Looking back we might say they were negative or bad decisions; but in that very moment, it felt necessary and even urgent above all else. For me it wasn’t one full moment of clarity, but it was small moments just punted me along. And for me, it took a couple bad thoughts and a bunch of bad apples to tear it all down.
Nearing the end of my run, I could only think of the few things those few things I’ve learned about myself. Some good advice I should have listened to before. Do what you feel you want to do and not the wishes of others. You are the only one seeking your direction.
In time, I’ll be back where I felt I belonged. All I can do is run laps in my mind, readying myself for my second chance.
Have a little clarity everyone, until next time!