Hey everyone, kind of missed posting here. About a month ago, I was called to work and pretty much stayed there until I was done. I’ve been far away from home and now I feel settled in to tell you all the stuff that has happened since.
After reading through all the things I’ve jotted down for this lone post, I think it’s best to break it up in parts.
Sorry for teasing you. Hope the keywords don’t spoil anything.
It’s getting close to the end of this year. As I’m writing this, I have hardly slept and spent a few nights laying in bed wondering and thinking to myself. I have slowed down in writing my thoughts in my blog in this latter half because I haven’t been too well since my doctor passed away. I am still hoping I will get the help I need before it’s too late. I just have to practice and find a balance to everything which I hope can help me away from my malaise.
I haven’t picked up my camera in the past month. Starting to feel bad about it since I haven’t taken a lot of photos. Looking through it’s viewfinder, I miss how it feels and the joy it use to make me feel. Perhaps around Christmas or after Boxing Day I’ll take up photography again. The most difficult part right now is keeping up with work.
Getting a seasonal gig with my former employer is great, despite all the pain I went through last year. I hope eventually it will turn into a part time job considering the first time I felt fairly qualified to work more than a sales associate, assistant manager perhaps? Regardless I’m glad and I get to see all the people I’ve met before, though I have forgotten most of their names.
As what I hope to be the second last post of the year I guess I should try and make a list of all I have accomplished this year. As per my doctor’s last recommendation, I’m starting to look into a lot of cognitive therapy to cope. So…accomplishments:
- Went to Niagara Falls for the first time In January it’s still beautiful despite the cold, icy, wet weather. I wish I spent more time.
- Surpassed 300 photos on 500px. Also surpassed 10, 000 shots on my first DSLR camera.
- Bought a new laptop. For now I have two but eventually I will have one once I feel comfortable enough to part this old thing I found in the trash. You have served me well.
- New toys! Bought two used lenses, one (almost) brand new lens, and a used camera body. Overall I paid market price after having them professionally cleaned.
- More recent, started to look into sleep meditation and actively managing my depression. The ADHD behaviors I can accept but the feeling sad stuff needs a lot of attention.
- Enjoyed a long lost hobby, reading! I’m nowhere near attentive for novels but I’ll accept a good narrative after playing Life is Strange and Life is Strange: Before the Storm. Which reminds me, I should preorder the comic book.
- Finished Fallout 4. Now I can move on to other games. Hopefully that gaming list shrinks quickly.
- Paramore!! Second time I saw them live. Still great but I connected more with their previous album.
- Getting on the dating scene? A bit embarrassing but I can own up to it. Been on way more dates than the last 4 years combined. No winners…yet.
- A year without Star Trek Online. I haven’t logged in for so long. I think I can finally move on since the Kelvin timeline and Discovery kind of gave me a sour taste for it.
- Nuit Blanche art event. Spent the entire night checking out all the arts and culture. Last year was way too political. Still very crowded if not worse.
- Bought CD’s. An old medium but once I get a portable disc player, I’m going to have fun.
- I got Instagram to share some photos.
- I got business cards, I wish I could add my Instagram on them. They came first.
Still more to come in the last few weeks. My plans are to buy the SNES Classic and maybe the NES. I’m thinking of another Niagara trip either Niagara-On-The-Lake or somewhere small. I still want to snap photos and hopefully punch through to 400 on 500px. Lastly…
…I want to write my final post for the year. Stay tuned!
How would you be in ten years? I the phantasm of my own yester years, am I just a reflection of an alteration of my previous self?
Though eloquent than “what the hell is wrong with me?” when it comes to see to past. The passing day I grow angry or sad because I think my old social media is slowly destroying me. In the past few years, a couple people I knew got married. Lucky them but the worst of all that is they’re my age. They’ve done so much while I sat here in the corner of the globe to watch boats and stare at ceilings. As much as I struggle, these people are finding themselves and each other. They’ve settled. While here I am irrepressible and depressed, like something is either wrong with me or it’s all a hateful game. Travelled the world, create a masterpiece, fall and stay in love. I’m the damned who could just achieve just one of these.
So one more of my Facebook friends (not my real friends) finally getting married. “Good for her” while secretly I wish I could find someone special like her. Why do I bother to get up if I can’t succeed at anything besides breathing? I just wish I could stare into that mirror and see a better self so I can have something to fight for than staring back the wishing face.
Social media isn’t good for me for sure, especially if I have “friends” sharing their intimate moments. I can’t let go but at the same time, I do.
Curse this modern age.
Remember when we were kids in school and they asked us what do you think you would be in 10 years? Still the same now as I was a decade ago and probably a decade out, secretly miserable and absently alone.
For those who never had that friend or has (and hopefully) never encountered depression. I personally have been up and down, now I want to give you some idea how it is to live with it.
People ask “How are you?” but never gain the curiosity to ask “What is it like?” If you have ever been afraid to ask here’s how I can say about it. Depression is…
- waking up and feeling like the world just doesn’t like you. Activity exercise to really put you in the mind set, you know how people tell you to say good things out loud to yourself in the mirror? Do the opposite.
- when someone attractive looks at you, you just feel too ugly for that person. The “you’re gorgeous but I know I’m never going to be good enough for you” attitude instantly sinks in.
- being exhausted. Constantly. You get up after a full night’s sleep, tired. Brushing your teeth, tired. Sitting in class, tired.
- hearing “good job” from someone but internally you hear “you aren’t good enough and this is just a passive aggressive way to let you know you’re worthless and anyone can do a better job than you”.
- constantly fighting the inner voice. The negative things just pushing you back into bed and forcing you to hide everything from everyone.
- weakness, the feeling and afraid of people knowing it. You do everything even if it hurts to seek approval because of #4.
- when you reflect on your achievements but you realize it’s nothing compared to other people’s achievements.
- thinking about what is best described as “Call of the Void”. Fascination of suicide to think about how to harm yourself or others. Though I would like to add perhaps the thoughts of what lies beyond your own death.
- self deprecating every interaction. Luckily I’m shy so I can suppress those comments but I occasionally let one slip.
- making a list and throwing it away. Nothing achieved for a non-achiever like yourself.
- after hurting, you poke where it hurts just a feel the the pain a bit.
- the manifestation of all your parents shame for you. Try doing the simplest things and having a nagging voice whispering you can’t do it.
- loneliness. Being trapped inside and hearing the world but the world cannot hear you.
It’s the best I can put it. But I hope it makes you think about the mind of someone depressed and maybe ways to help someone suffering. And those suffering, know you’re not alone.
Well after a week and the heat has settled off. According to the news, I expected to see hot days ahead. Yet here I am trying fight away this feeling. I’m not thinking about anything yet and I hope I don’t. Let’s rewind to Saturday.
So Saturday is when I noticed I was really feeling worse than the day before. I still had the energy to go out and do stuff. Waking up late didn’t help, I still had a bit done. Then Sunday morning rolled in and I just had trouble sleeping. Turning in my bed, then seeking refuge in the basement for a few hours. I managed to sleep. Only to expend another weekend and a beautiful day. In the weekend I did nothing but take a few photos and saw the moon and Mars in the same city sky.
Sunday afternoon, waking at 8 in the afternoon. I’m rested in the sunset bleeding through the window. I hate every time I wake up, I feel I lost one more day in my life. Trying to claim to something that’s waning away. Sitting here on the backside of a heat wave and to be in the wake of another, I don’t think I can survive another day.
I just need to sleep away all this. Yes, maybe sleep it off.
So after being medicated for several years, I’m still very uncomfortable about taking medication non-stop. I’ve been on/off with my medication which isn’t so good, however I’ve been busy with either work or photography.
Actually yesterday, I sat down and focused on looking through about a thousand photos. Looking through them, I managed to pick just over 60. I’ve been starting to put post-processing off to when I have a lot more photos. Just makes it easy so I don’t have to spend a lot more time cumulatively. However I’m starting to realize this can get a bit confusing. I think it’s coming up to where I need to start saving my TIFF files to a DVD. I did it for last year’s photos and I’ve reorganized my PC folders to make it easier to burn to a CD or a DVD. I wish I could limit a folder to contain a certain size.
Next week is going to be a busy time and hopefully even with this funk, I’ll get it all done and I can move on to take more photos and even start to travel again.
It’s been a month and I’ve been staving off my prescription. Rationing every pill, forcing myself out of a cycle.
I’ve been lacking proper routine. Lacking a continuous “feel good” emotion, I feel I’m the only one who just feels sad all the time. Happiness eludes me and here I am waking up in the afternoon hoping I can get one thing done. I’m starting to spend long nights watching YouTube and browsing photos. I loathe this existence, I always wanted more and in a positive manner.
I’ve been having a hard time to really kick myself into doing things. The things I like doing feel heavier to do. Why can’t I just be normal – as normal as I can be without feeling terrible.
I’m going to relax a bit before I have an anxiety attack or something. At some point, I have to talk to my doctor.