nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: depression

Almost

For some context, I wrote this around 11 in the evening. Even though I’m home, it’s a small respite from work. This long ordeal is almost done. I can get back to my life uploading and doing photography things very shortly. It’s been so long, I miss playing video games in a meaningful way. When I come home right now, it’s just to get my weekly fill. Almost like an addiction, perhaps it is and I’m deceiving myself. My mood has been the only outlet for the truth.

I just feel more and more tired, not in a physical manner but emotionally. Recently I’ve been focusing on breathing techniques to get through the day but it gets harder and harder. To make matters worse, I’m running out of my medication with little to no time to refill a prescription.What I have not is just partially effective. I noticed I would be in a good mood and sometime midday my mood would change into a dark polar opposite. Compounding to all this, I’m having thoughts again. Those deep dark thoughts I thought I have pushed away. They’re still here, tucked under the drugs and cognitive therapy. With all the stuff hanging over me, I’ve turned into a bit of an alcoholic. I wish I didn’t have to be, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel more comfortable without curling into a ball and shutting the world out.

Perhaps when I get back to keeping busy with hobbies, I’ll feel better. All this time, I miss watching all the YouTube I want. The videos from the users I’ve subscribed to will take a couple weeks of binge watching to complete and I don’t know what’s going on in Star Trek Online, but I would like to see what’s new. I probably missed some new stuff and the summer event. I’m sitting here watching my old life pass by me – weird feeling to observer your habits as a third person.

Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps I’m sleepy. I’m almost home.

 

Giving up.

It’s tough, I have to admit, it’s tough to seek happiness and peace in life when everything antagonize negative thoughts. Much recently, it has been occurring a lot. There would be moments I feel so good and myself, then I would just feel tired and wanting to give up.

Ever since I got this job in the big wide world, I’ve learned a few things to help resist those thoughts. It’s a rough go at first to push myself to go back to the positive space in my mind. With a bit of help from my workplace, I’ve been able to do it. It might not help for you, but give some of these a shot. First, I do a breathing exercise. A slow inhale, about 4 seconds; I try to focus myself until I have no thoughts in my head or until I feel calmer. Sometimes it takes over a minute to feel the calm I need to move on.  The whole point is to have focus for the next part. Next I try to think about neutral and happy things. These can be petting animals, good moments I felt in my life, sleeping well after a long days work; stuff like these however limit it to one thing at time. I try to not push myself to spend more than a a few seconds because the moment would disappear. I keep doing this until I have collected myself to self affirm and validate myself as a person. Who I am, what I want in life, what I achieved, what will I want get done in this moment; positive “I can”, “I will”, “I shall” statements, out loud (I usually whisper it to myself) or in my head space to fill the neutral or positive void I’ve created. If it doesn’t work out, I focus on the breathing exercises; four seconds inhale and four seconds exhale.

It’s a slow progress to find the peace I need but from the couple years I’ve been at my job, I’ve had added one more thing on top. And here it is, whether you say it out loud is up to you:

There is no giving up, only surrender.

To surrender is to stop fighting.

To fight to find a meaning, a purpose, a cause.

There is more to in fighting than surrender.

DO NOT SURRENDER.

Day 6 – Fears

From hugaslittlehouse.wordpress.com

Fears; everyone has fears. Those indomitable thoughts which make life almost impassable. We spend out lives to avoid and run, yet they pursue and catch us to only challenge us. We all have something to run from, we may not know where we run to but we only know is running away from these fears.

Some people say there are fears which are illogical while some may seem reasonable to be fearful. As much as I want to overcome some of my fears, there are just I can’t or will never get over.

When I was a kid, I went to this place which felt like a castle. It was not far from my house and there they had an event going. When my parents stopped in this atrium, all I can remember from that experience was this clown that approach me and tried to do their clown thing. Ever to this day, I have trouble being entertained by clowns. Something about that white face and exaggerated smile does not sit right in my mind. It doesn’t make my hair stand on end, but I think the very experience ruined clowns for me.

To sum up what I am going to say next, I am afraid of myself. Sometimes I can be abiding while there are days I feel like a loose cannon. Then there are days I feel like the smallest thing can tear me apart. The biggest fear I have is failure. Growing up to be told that success is all that matter, the stress never really left me. Every day I am reminded I am a failure, I am bound to fail, I will not achieve anything in my life. Hard part as I said before, how can run away from myself? How can escape these thoughts when every day I am told I cannot do this or that because I’m not good enough. In the end, I am still unworthy and a failure. If death came for me tomorrow, I would be more worried for what I have done to deserve an untimely death. Did my life mean something to the end or am I just a pawn on a large chess board? My biggest fear is I failed. I failed to do what it takes to succeed. I can try and will try everything but I will never find it; whatever “it” will be. Even when people tell me I did good, I worry if there is an undertone of judgement. Could I have done it better? Was it good enough? With all the praise put forth my way, I would still question if I failed somewhere along the way.

Everyone’s scared of something. No matter if you do show it or how brave you might look, we are just a sum of our fears.

Overcoming My Own Obstacles

If you’re like me, you know you fallen onto so really bad times in your personal. You get into trouble or trouble finds you. When it comes down to it, everyone lives in pain. Whether it is mental or physical, we all have a weight on our shoulders. When we take it off, more is added and when we keep it on, the more heavier to feels.

There will be days when you get through the day dragging this baggage. For some, there are days when this baggage will hold you down and relentlessly beat you until you cannot fight anymore. For me, I have lived through the best and worst parts of my life and looking back on it, I still fear there will be days when I will be held down by my self. Through my voice, people would see someone tumbling through rough patches and small walls of negativity. Through my mind, I am a man standing in a warzone; battered and beaten as I lay hurt in a crater of mud and layered in sweat. Shocked to see how far I still need to travel, I know in my state I cannot run nor walk to safety. As the raindrops fall on a darkened sky, I know I’m still clutching on myself and what’s left.

People would describe succinctly as feeling depressed or sad. In reality, it’s an internal battle of self and the unknown enemy. The enemy knows you well to stop you in your tracks. The enemy knows where you will move and how to distract you. They will do what they can to hurt you and break you down. In this struggle, there are many who never see the end of the fight. Then there are those who dig in and make their stand. For those who don’t know this feeling from back to front, they will never understand how difficult it can be when it has destroyed you and you have to piece yourself to carry on.

When it comes to fighting, know your enemy. You can be hardest person on yourself or you can be the greatest asset in the arsenal. Once know how you are stopping yourself, you can find a way around it and push forward. You feel empty and without purpose? Find something with meaning and devote yourself to a goal. You feel you cannot live through the day? Get dressed and show the world you can live each day and each day is worth living. You lost a love? Find something worth loving, including yourself. Sometimes the the smallest step forward can lead to an aggressive advance to the right direction. All you need is one step, one small step forward.

When you find yourself able to pick yourself out of the emotional holes you have fallen in, you need to learn to carry on without feeling heavy anymore. This is not a quick fix, it is time you will need to learn. As a teenager, I fallen into many holes whether I push myself into them or someone else threw me in. I was the loner, the loser, the idiot, the useless child and the weakest of the bunch. I wanted more to my life but with hormones on high and reason so low, I felt it was my fault I feel into these holes even though most wasn’t necessarily my own. I wanted to conform, find a group and be one of them. In the end, the answers I wanted are those I wouldn’t expect. I am different; I don’t fear to be different. It took me a long time to realize the answer I wanted are not the ones I really needed but the ones I felt I need because I saw them on others. In all the sadness I caused in myself, I just needed to be different.

You are different too. The world might tell you what they think you are; the reality is in what’s in you mind. If you want people to see you as a person you are not, you will definitely be unhappy in keeping with a facade that is not you and will never become you. Find yourself, how you are rather than how you want others to see. Do not fear what you will find and embrace who you can become.

When you find yourself, you will find it’s easier to crawl out of the holes you will fall. Sooner or later you will find yourself marching forward into the darkness. And together we will march towards the darkness to fight to the bitter end. We might be fighting different battles, but we must not let the enemy know we have given up. Keep fighting and you will find other who will stand beside you to keep fighting. Life is a war, you have the power to change what you make of it. It may be harder on others, but you have to know, we are all in it together and we will prevail.

I do believe this summer is it!

So we all know it’s summer. Balmy, humid, sunny, wind if lucky, my computer has to run on the max cooling settings to prevent it to smell like burning plastic and metal. Today was a nice opportunity and hopefully many others to get out of the house and give my rig a vacation. After all it’s been through the last half decade, a cyber-sabbatical is what it deserves. This means, I have to shape up my life. It isn’t much except a culmination of many things, just last Thursday I made it past step 1a which is secretive since it is my life. You’re the internet, no need to dull you; I dropped hints so figure it out if you are curious. But here is what step 1 looks:

  • 1a. “Job app”
  • 1b. Diet and exercise adjustment, 2.5 kcal and 2.4 km
  • 1c. Treatment withdrawal
  • 1d. Alternative treatment

So right now I have to make sure I exercise and eat well until September. I dropped my requirements since I barely needed physical activity until fairly recent. With 1a done, it’s more encouragement to go through it. I did it once as a teen, I can do it again.

The latter half is a bit more time consuming, but progress is coming. A prescription and a lower dose, just hope my mind doesn’t fall back into the hole it dug. The pharmacy is having trouble with this order for the last week or so, Tuesday I am going to check in after a week of this roller coaster. I’ve been through all my faces and it’s been kind of an odd trip. Euphoric, depressed, enraged, deterred; at least I cried once…okay, twice…maybe three. At least I don’t feel suicidal or crazy; thankfully not either or both. I think in a way it is the drugs and a bit of repetitive reinforcement. They say you need a support group to help you through, I say it’s all smack since no one came to me and helped in any way. Even at my worst I felt like no one was there to guide me through. When I broke down, no one came to fix. Thanks school for providing realistic personal management skills, sure made me a better person…NOT! No one to watch my back, it hold on to what I have left or fight for everything one inch at a time. I fought and fought it down to the blood soaked mud. I am awesome, I can do it. I can do it. Currently, I am dropped to a small dose to keep it as a safety measure in case those thoughts try to pry themselves back in. While that is happening, think happy thoughts.

Right now a lot of happy thoughts to keep me holding on. A wedding, an anniversary, a second chance. Much to be grateful here and now, seize it and remember what I have now to live for. I have to remind myself that I have bigger things in my life to achieve and win or lose, they’re going to happen. However, if all goes well. I should be drug free by fall, and a bittersweet farewell to the only reliable friend always by my bedside. My blog, I can be anthropomorphic as much as I want!

After that, I have to find alternative treatment, well have my be an exaggeration since I want to be drug free for the rest of my life. I just need my treatment to be drug free and suitable in cost and lifestyle. I am thinking in terms of therapy. Maybe ask to see if I can get a psychologist to help me out. Big part for me is to turn down video games and try to enable myself into time restrictions to entertainment and luxury amenities. Working so far in this attack on all fronts with one down.

Slow week – Expensive food is expensive!

Probably the slowest week has passed finally and I’m still planning the other two months I have remaining of the summer. Probably going to fill it with miscellaneous projects. I’m going to try and study up and get a driver’s license. I’ve been talking about this a lot, kind of worrying that I now notice I have commitment issues towards myself. So small projects and maybe get on submitting an application or two besides from that. I’ve been pretty sedentary so I think I should do more and more, maybe even pull myself finally out of the house and get back on track.

I fell back into playing Runes Of Magic. But I think I’m going to force myself off it after the week. Then see what I want to do after, I’ve been sleeping and eating in the confines of my home and hardly anything else. Speaking of couch potatoes, I’ve been trying to hunt down for another MP3 player since both my Sony devices are now bricked. I’ve considered an iPod Touch, but I really don’t want to jump on that bandwagon if I don’t need to. It’s a nice handy device I must admit, but I think there might be a device. And before I knew it, I found one. I’ve been looking up and down with various keywords and came back with something cheaper than an iPod Touch and iPhone depending which model you buy from Archos. Looking through the customer reviews on Amazon and local stores, it’s fairly mixed, but I think once I get some cash flow my next MP3 or entertainment portable will be an Archos device (and hope the $100+ purchase won’t bone be hard in two years).  Even the company name sounds awesome.

On Friday for the first time in my life, I went to a Red Lobster with a few acquaintances. Let me say if you ever go to Red Lobster, make sure the party host has the balls (or ovaries) to actually ask for a tables rather than flipping the party member to ask. It’s kind of embarrassing when a 21 year old make can’t even approach a hostess as ask for a table and to only push another male to the situation to ask. Besides that gentlemanly disaster, we sat down and had a nice conversation and meal. I had the Garlic Herb Shrimp and Chicken with a Caesar salad, cheese and broccoli soup and brownie a la mode. After the whole ordeal or unmannerly conduct through and through (we’re Asian and all, but it’s not that kind of restaurant at Red Lobster in my opinion), it was alright; pool and cards to end the night.

Because I got home tired, I crashed the whole Saturday and missing out on my medication that I woke up with a painful headache this morning. Not painful as in “I thought to hard and now it hurts” but more like “my skull feels like it’s going to explode while my brain is about to implode, that’s not a good sign”. I think my vitamin regimen is working well, though it’s staves off the headaches. The medication for now are the only thing hold me back from receding back into a solitude life of numbing hopelessness and quiet screams of the emotional pain that stakes itself on my life. From what I know, I’m on waiting list for a psychologist. Until I receive therapy, the medication will have to suffice to hold me positively firm. But back on track, I’m not going to Red Lobster any time soon unless I pick up a gig that can pay for such a meal. I doubt it will ever come to something that great, but I can only hope.

As of tonight though I’m not really calling this an accomplishment, but I watched all episodes of Stargate Atlantis in under a week. I’m not really proud of myself since each season can be viewed within a day. I have to admit, watching it back to back makes it not as interesting compared to watching an episode at a time. Until then, I have to make a grocery run and maybe a pick me up from a McDonalds. I know binge eating is not the way to go, but I really need something to cheer me up right now after a full week of just sitting on my gluteus maximus watching thespians on a 21-inch LCD monitor. There’s a lot to do that I’m not taking advantage of in my small little corner of the world. So less talk, more exploring.

Writing for one

I think everyone has written something pretty deep about themselves at one point that you will never see nor hear. It could be anything from a Grammy Award speech or a letter to an ex that will never be delivered. I think we’ve all done it at one point. But about something memorable and dignified. Not to express your ego but more to open up that last moment in a summary of your life.

Picture you on a hospital bed about minutes away from death’s doorstep. You have enough energy and strength to write one page, what would it be on that very page? A letter of regret? A long legacy? Maybe athe final touches to the will? During that particular moment if I had the time to fill in on a sheet a paper my final worldly words, I would be speechless.

I wouldn’t be sure what exactly would be at the very end since I have too much to say to the women in my life that inspired me to be a better man. Speechless goes to the people who pulled me through the worst and saw the best of me. Blanking from one person to the next knowing eternity is just beyond; the very page would be blank since there’s nothing I would put down to tell them how I feel. Even typed, I would be in awe of very little and so much I endured that the very few words I would put down would be as this:

“I was never an honorable, respected or even loved by all. Neither I am a hero or villian of my life’s story. Whatever be my fate for those believers and the horizon casting upon me, I know the world will be what it is as seen through my very eyes. My life as well in my death was as this – dignified.”

It wouldn’t even fill a page nor request how I wish to be buried but a cryptic yet solid view of the world around me as I lived it. Sure people would say “bury me under the maple tree as Silent Meadows” or whatever the final resting place may be; however I think there is no end, there is always life.

Though my eulogy would be approximately that very quote. I don’t think I would really would feel right to do so considering I have nothing to say except the regrets I’ve repressed over the years. I would consolidate on just a quiet place before burial. I know I may be way too young to think like this, but I’ve considered how everything in my life has been. I’m not quite sure how I would put it into words especially if I knew if I could get it off my chest.

Even as a short chapter to my memoir, I wouldn’t know how to put it into words that would convey all the emotions. Though if any advice I would give would be for someone young and in their teens discovering themselves and the potential they wield, I would only offer one for those who ended up in my position and are falling from such grace.

People always describe them as victims, but I feel compelled to disagree and believe they are the true heroes of their lives. There is no worse earthly evil except the emotional struggle of self. I have been there more than I could ever count and if I could I would save every soul, but acceptance and tolerance to understand is the best I could give to these soiled souls. To some see as a change, I see bravery. To some see a troubled person, I see a fallen warrior. To some see untimely death, I see “save me from myself”.

I might be in a dark moment in the sunlight right now. Looking back at the storm clouds and the debris I’ve left behind, I don’t want to run away; but to scream to those lost souls and guide them towards the calm bright end or what was a miserable and violent storm.

Wouldn’t you agree? Share a glimpse of those moments. Would you do it all over again knowing you can save one more person? Could have you imparted some knowledge of the world after to someone in need of such wisdom? I wish I could’ve or can if it meant one less in my position in my life.

Like a sugar high, it went craassshhhing down!

Hey everyone, it’s me again. How are we doing? I’m doing pretty good. Still hanging, but it’s kind of bumpy as of recently. But I really do miss blogging from time to time. I mean, once a week doesn’t seem to benefit me in terms of relief of the chest area region. Probably should remove that weight off there just to breath easier? Yeah, not even a paragraph in and I’m already off topic. Attention span is none today it seems. I guess staying the course would help me more than getting up and considering what I should let go.

Over the last few days, my head seems to hit a dark cloud of emotion. It’s so unusual since my mental state has levelled off because of the prescription, but now I’m kind of in that place that I don’t want to go back to but it feels like a place I shouldn’t leave. Mood is somewhat like a satisfied state like I completed something to validate my self worth, but I also feel like whatever I did makes me a pathetic nobody to walk the Earth (and this is even when I’m not doing anything). Like I would open my mouth then regret everything I said and did. Though the last few days got me into writing poetry and a small film idea. However only one shall pass, poetry. I think I’m averaging two small poems every session. I’ve been reading some of my old stuff and it was very good at times.What happened? Did I die somewhere and this is my afterlife? If so, I would be freaked out and wanting to get out of purgatory. That’s where I think I would good if anything existed in terms of a spiritual afterlife. Not really bad or good, not very rewarding or punishing; it’s the place where you spend your afterlife in limbo. So this is slowly picking up pace. I’m getting some neurons firing and before long, a short story will appear. Speaking of writing, something interesting is about to go down. For the second time in my life, my pen’s going to run out of ink. Some reason when that happens, I get excited since I usually lose it or lend it to someone and never see it again. So yeah, pretty stoked for something so small.

I think the biggest change is the vitamins I bought because now my body metabolises the pills like nothing so I get a normal feeling and then crash quickly right after and feel all dull and boring. Though after awhile it kind of balances out a bit. My general mood seems to be a bit better than I was in high school. I’m not going to beat this, it would be impossible. However coping is as close as I would get though, but it’s hard to really run from this. I’ve tried, doesn’t work. Though I think my sister still denying that I really have a problem, I regret telling her. By about my medication, the worst part is the day between my intakes like today. Like I just don’t feel so good getting out of bed and the day after I just don’t get up. Probably on top of my insomnia and video games wouldn’t help my situation. I should cut back; video games, food and everything else that gives me a euphoric feel.

Well, time to hit the hay at lunch again. Later, WordPress!

Outdoor time…and seriously serious seriousness (worst alliteration ever).

I noticed since I started my anti-addiction campaign that I become a total shut in. I’m not too sure how long I’ve been inside the last couple months but I’m sure it’s about 2 of the last 90 days that I went out and that’s for appointments and such. Seems like all my me time is spent in my room days at a time just sleeping and doing random stuff. Well today, I think I’m going out and hit a mall and check out some video games or something. I’ve never really was a clothes shopper which sucks since the whole city is into clothes and it’s apparel.

To be honest I’m not hating clothes. Clothes are awesome especially in the cold weather. However I really have a pet peeve on jumping onto band wagons. Because sooner or later, I would be the hypocrite who sold his soul to fashion. Like I really don’t like brands since every time when I have to buy clothes at some place name brands or the popular spots, I keep thinking of all the underprivileged to shop in those places. And it’s not just the underprivileged; you know that insecure girl in high school you wanted to tell her that someone notices her? I keep of thinking of that girl and how she keeps trying to only have her heart broken. I know I can’t do anything but I feel so strapped in and muffled to only watch her to only hurt herself. Even worse that when I look into those places or even at a crowded mall, I see this universal face of hidden distress. I just want to write down the most sweetest things and stand in a middle of a food court with a megaphone and recite it in hope of mending her wounds. “No one can be Superman”, most of the people I met say. I say that’s not true, I just want to be a good person and help everyone. With all the problems in the world I can want to stop the pain, any kind of pain. I know we have those troubles we want to tell someone you trust and not be ridiculed, even I have that baggage, but I have no release to it. My burden just broadens to bridge my compassion and it seems like I want to do it. I’m really shy and I guess when the words come out of my mouth, I always look like an idiot. In time, I guess I will find that person I can tell  so I can feel better about it.

And that speech I want to shout to the whole world in hopes to touch the heart of that girl? Let me paint you a picture.

Scene, a busy average mall as walk down the promenade looking down reading my cue cards and under my arm hanging from my shoulders is a megaphone with a microphone attached. Walking by as serious as I can be, fast pace. People giving odd looks as I approach the food court or an open area with many people passing by. Taking the closest table or bench and standing up top. The squelching of the megaphone as I lick my lips followed by a deep breath. Then calmly looking around and remaining composed, these are the words I would speak.

“Look, I know you don’t me. My face may not mean much in your eyes. My background may be anonymous, but I could be anyone in your life you wouldn’t really expect. What I’m trying to do is to get your attention, so I can tell you how I feel about you. You’re beautiful, my dear. Those advertisements and TV commercials can convince you conflicted message; but know this, you are beautiful and no one has to judge you to tell you that. No one is perfect, sweetie. In fact, I love your little quirks. From that thing you do with you hair, to the music you secretly enjoy. Surely there are some negatives. Sure you cut yourself, look into the mirror at dawn and find yourself hating where you are, or you buy the clothes to please the remaining friends you are trying to hold on or gain their respect through sheer popularity. Deep down, you need to comforted, feel like you’re on top of the world when you through the worst days. Deep down; you’re afraid to be what you want to be because of ridicule. Deep down, I understand you need to reach out for attention. Darling, you have my attention. Ever since I laid my eyes on you I knew you will take your life to somewhere beautiful and wondrous. You made mistakes, some are as permanent are those cuts or the psychological trauma. I may be the guy across from you in class, the man in the elevator, the neighbour that you lived next to your whole childhood or just the friend that tried to push your false friends off to the side but only to be pushed in the back. But I had to take my chance here and now…I love you…I love you ever since I ever met you and I never know when it’s right to tell you or where. I know you don’t have to believe me, but do you believe in yourself? I want to be there to help you see it through. Be your companion on your journey, the person you can turn to when you’re confused, the Toto to your Dorothy. I want to be the friend you can always reach for when you’ve fallen deep into a hole because no matter how far you fall; I’ll hold on for both of us and never let you go. I know you will never tell me everything, but I’ll always be there when the time is right. Like I said, I can be almost anonymous in your life. I could be the the person that’s been around you all this time and you never noticed. But, I’ll be here babe…here for you.”

Then the microphone shuts off and normally step down and walk off like I haven’t said a single word. Hoping the words would heal those scars you secretly hide.

So much sadness in the world. I guess that’s why I associate clothes with sadness, especially the brand name stuff. Is that weird or what, eh? Quirks and quarks, it’s what we’re made of.

I’m going to make a to do list then probably ditch since I’m a horrible person at tasks. But I thought I would blog a bit to try and get some stuff off my chest. As always, comments and writing suggestions is appreciated. If you cried a little bit, get a tissue and wipe your eyes before you comment and suggest. Have a happy hump day, everyone!