Follow Your Heart

For the past few years have been a rough ride for me. I have went through a cycle of blaming myself and mulling over every action that has brought me here. Through it all, I’ve pulled out of the worst mood I’ve been in years and still feel I haven’t crawled out the sadness I’m still holding inside.

There are days my heartache feels heavier, though in time it has become more distance. Time doesn’t seem like  it “heals all wounds”, it only makes the heart grow fonder to it’s needs. Though I do enjoy curled up in bed writing blog posts and watching YouTube, I feel I’m missing more of my adulthood. I miss centralizing my commitment and dedication while at the same time I yearn for the same. I have tried my best to fill the void, but to no avail. I keep telling myself there is someone out there for me. Now a 20-something, I am sensing the familiar defeat hovering over me. My acceptance to it makes me feel hopeless yet I scramble to find meaning to my existence.

In this moment, I have a part time job for which I am grateful. In a recent conversation with a coworker, something blew my mind. I’m not sure how the point came up but I do remember this. Love and love alone, is the sum of one’s dedication and commitment. In the lesser gains and greatest sacrifices, we did out of compassion and empathy. Love is the emotion of these values. In these few sentences, I realized what I’ve done for the past year and what have done in relationships past.

The past year I am happy to be employed, I have spent my free time to learn and gain from my work. I have set aside time and my life to do things people would likely never see and do. I spent seven days staring at stars and fireflies. I seen the majesty of the local wildlife. I traveled distances to hurt myself and become heavily fatigued. I stood outside the rain where I become totally drenched. I helped people with personal problems. I am not an open person to spread compassion around me. Why did I do it?  Commitment and dedication to those who take care of me, I guess. I chose to work at this part time job is to perhaps do it out of love. Not money nor power but the dedication and commitment to others.

As inanimate as work is, It has filled part of life up with a bit of what I wanted. Time well spent, even though I may never see it reciprocate. However I feel I am missing something; maybe it’s the loneliness on a dark Halloween, but perhaps I need some companionship. Just having someone to connect and share ideas. Now we’re back to the question I’ve been dodging.

Why am I still alone?


Finding balance

It has always been a problem with me. The world isn’t a linear place; when you have everything set in, some new is willing to test you. I realized this when I was a teen when I tried to balance work and school. It never really panned out since the schedules always conflict and it was my grades or job performance would drop because of it. Sure I could ask for extension and different test days or a different work schedule, but it would never work out.

As pessimistic as it seems, it is the reality. When you finally settle into something you want to do or want, you will realize the other half of it. When you finally settle down, you feel like you have nothing really left to explore or be curious about. You would feel a plateau much like exercising when your body begins to easily accept its regime. At the end, it doesn’t benefit you as much as it did before. Later like I have learned after so long, you will find you just want something more – something different. You want to stretch out there and find something worth pursuing. Like being steady, I found it’s somewhat difficult to do something entirely new and abandon what you already know. Just from what you feel comfortable to what you don’t really feel comfortable, it’s a quick adjustment you can’t really transition towards even if you really wanted.

Change, I find is incremental. It is never sudden, never immediate, never always helpful. Change is merely a transition from a method or idea to another. While in change, we find and discover new things and even question where we will go and where we have come from. In my lifetime, I have witnessed much change. The internet going from phone lines to fibre optics, from personal websites to social media, from homophobia to homophilia to name a few. Even with all this, we are still on the bring of new and different things; some scarier than others. Net neutrality for instance, where companies are slowly pushing to allow speed throttling to certain websites and services at a cost. Civil wars clashing between the people, their oppressors and armed fundamentalists who go against everyone else but themselves. Change is tumultuous, either in the self of in the society. Whether you want to or not, change is always there to test you.

As for me, change is a bit different. It is not a bloodbath or a peaceful demonstration. It is a test of growing and becoming someone I feel comfortable with knowing. It is a change in identity, to question who I was and who I will and want to become. How far am I willing to push myself? Is this my purpose? These are the questions I ask myself sometimes to affirm myself of what I want to do and become. I want to be athletic, so I exercise. I want play video games but not too much, so I starting recording gameplay. I want to get going on a career I find I can be challenged but enjoy; well, I’m working on it and I will let you know how that turns out.

For me, I have been having trouble with balancing my life with change. I have been a bit unfaithful to myself towards tasks and I just want a steady pace while doing new things. It hasn’t come out clean, but I managed to find a balance. Finding that intersect where you feel comfortable but also comfortable enough to try something different. As ambitious as it is, I want to do more and do different things. I want to volunteer but so far no one has accept my applications. I want to exercise more, but it’s getting colder. These are my changes I want happen and I am willing. The questions is about commitment and motivation. Which I have been thinking about a lot in my mind.

Change is something you cannot avoid, but you can control the flow. However over time, there will be change regardless of how slow you want to take it. You never know all the outcomes but you know the best and worse of them. You will never get what you want at the end but change will teach and open you to new things if you let it. Even at it’s worst, change can help you understand a bit around you where you failed to see it before. It might not help you in the future, but it would humble you to know. You never always control how much change, but you can control how much you can accept over time. You may disagree now, but sooner or later you will come around and change your opinions. No matter how rigid you stay, you will crumble; you can either break apart or slowly build upon it. You don’t get a beach body in a matter of weeks in May, you start working towards it at the beginning of year or maybe take you a few years. You don’t get millions of dollars within a month (unless you win it all), you save a little away to get to that amount whether it’s a dollar a month or a dollar a day. You have to be dedicated to change to accept it or change will do it for you. It is your choice to be who you want and do what you want to do in life.

Until next time, let’s all spare a little change.