For the past few years have been a rough ride for me. I have went through a cycle of blaming myself and mulling over every action that has brought me here. Through it all, I’ve pulled out of the worst mood I’ve been in years and still feel I haven’t crawled out the sadness I’m still holding inside.
There are days my heartache feels heavier, though in time it has become more distance. Time doesn’t seem like it “heals all wounds”, it only makes the heart grow fonder to it’s needs. Though I do enjoy curled up in bed writing blog posts and watching YouTube, I feel I’m missing more of my adulthood. I miss centralizing my commitment and dedication while at the same time I yearn for the same. I have tried my best to fill the void, but to no avail. I keep telling myself there is someone out there for me. Now a 20-something, I am sensing the familiar defeat hovering over me. My acceptance to it makes me feel hopeless yet I scramble to find meaning to my existence.
In this moment, I have a part time job for which I am grateful. In a recent conversation with a coworker, something blew my mind. I’m not sure how the point came up but I do remember this. Love and love alone, is the sum of one’s dedication and commitment. In the lesser gains and greatest sacrifices, we did out of compassion and empathy. Love is the emotion of these values. In these few sentences, I realized what I’ve done for the past year and what have done in relationships past.
The past year I am happy to be employed, I have spent my free time to learn and gain from my work. I have set aside time and my life to do things people would likely never see and do. I spent seven days staring at stars and fireflies. I seen the majesty of the local wildlife. I traveled distances to hurt myself and become heavily fatigued. I stood outside the rain where I become totally drenched. I helped people with personal problems. I am not an open person to spread compassion around me. Why did I do it? Commitment and dedication to those who take care of me, I guess. I chose to work at this part time job is to perhaps do it out of love. Not money nor power but the dedication and commitment to others.
As inanimate as work is, It has filled part of life up with a bit of what I wanted. Time well spent, even though I may never see it reciprocate. However I feel I am missing something; maybe it’s the loneliness on a dark Halloween, but perhaps I need some companionship. Just having someone to connect and share ideas. Now we’re back to the question I’ve been dodging.
Why am I still alone?