Specifics

I recently had the privilege of going out with a bunch of coworkers. It’s something I do quite often to know the people I work with on a weekly basis. However recently one of them posed a question to me about what I want in life; starting from the woman I would  like in my life down to where I want to be. I realized I something about my life I have so forgotten; I could never describe everything to this person next to me on the steps about what I want, how could I ever find someone if I don’t what I am looking for in terms of looks and personality.

My entire existence up to now has been just a happenstance and good faith. I grew up understanding my own personal needs are irrelevant and even if I wanted something, I would get somewhere close to my intended result. The earliest was my first console, as much as the Super Nintendo was an amazing system, I wanted an N64.

They finally convinced me I should really start to put an effort in finding something to keep me grounded. I don’t necessarily have a steady job but I really want to find someone out there to share a life with even though I and we haven’t figured something out yet. The problem is who exactly I want to be with in that relationship.

Not only who I want to date, but where I want to live and work in the future. I don’t have all the answers but I should really seek them. Then maybe finally I will get what I want.

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Day 2 – 20 Facts About Me

From hugaslittlehouse.wordpress.com

Long list ahead, you have been warned.

  1. I’ve lived in my hometown all my life. There are times I want to move out of this place. However her vices keep here; variety and culture keeps me grounded.
  2. I started my blog to just vent out my problems. I realized a long time ago, I was mostly depressed because of having everything pent up inside. Having an outlet of it all has calmed me down. I still have have so much to improve upon.
  3. While we’re on the top of mental illness, I have ADHD. It does seem like I do anyways. All the symptoms are there if you have ever read up on ADHD. If you haven’t, here are a few things about ADHD: trouble with completing tasks, difficulty focusing, easily distracted, poor social skills. I try to think of it as a personal trait than something that inhibits me. If anything it’s made me honest and observant. Knowing I might have something has made me realized “normal” is a subjective state. “Normal” is to fit the general population, if 50% wore top hats then you could say it’s normal to wear a top hat. If that is the case,”normal” is something I won’t want to be because it stagnates and gets boring.
  4. Favourite food is a hard choice. I like sweet and savoury foods. I like chocolate and candy, especially gummy bears. I’m omnivorous so I like to eat certain animals, mainly chicken, pigs and cows. I would say if I wanted to sit somewhere and watch the world to pass in from of my eyes, definitely a medium steak with a side of grilled veg and maybe a can of soda. I like noodles so spaghetti and ramen are on the table.
  5. There are few things I found beautiful and nothing would seem to taint those memories. I once laid in a field and watched the stars and moon travel across the black velvet sky. I have sat in a coffee shop and watched the sun set and let the shadows of skyscrapers cover the world. Now the sad thing…
  6. Of all the beautiful things I’ve seen, I’ve done them alone. I think that is all I can say about it. Definitely life is worth more with loved ones, will I find her? We shall see.
  7. Favourite colours: green and blue.
  8. Music: Paramore and Taylor Swift, you will realize it by day 7.
  9. I have spontaneously slow danced with someone. It was romantic and awesome.
  10. I’ve been told many things about my personality. Mostly I’ve been told I’m “sweet”, “kind”, “honest”, “loyal”. Which…cue #11!
  11. I think of myself differently than what people see. I guess I have an inferiority complex or something. Sometimes I feel I’m not good enough or undeserving, I put forward more effort and just feels like the same. I have a lot of unresolved issues, but I try.
  12. I still listen to the music I use to listen to in high school. Proves to you that some things never change.
  13. PC Master Race, consoles are inferior due to hardware restrictions. Come at me, console gamers!
  14. The only graphic novels I’ve read were from Bryan Lee O’Malley, the  author of the Scott Pilgrim series.  Which I have not yet read; perhaps soon?
  15. Video game series of all time: Grand Theft Auto. Especially GTA 3 and onward because the worlds are large and players have a lot of things to do. I have only played San Andreas and GTA IV, but I would like to play GTA V when I can. As for genre, I like open world games where you can go and do your own thing without walls.
  16. Blue skies are better than stormy weather.
  17. Summer is better than autumn. However autumn is better than spring. Winter gets no love because Canada is cold during the winter.
  18. I like to work out as much as I can.
  19. I would like to play video games as a career. I think I’m getting a bit old for it, but who knows what the world might give me.
  20. I’m a terrible liar.

Tenacity.

Recently, I had the opportunity to use my “once a month” airsoft budget to play again. This time rather than the shy timid person I was, I opened up to myself as the personality that I am towards my fellow players. Though I must admit I was a bit physically rough with myself with some sustained injuries, it wasn’t that painful compared to my last experience. Definitely lessons learned and points to sustain for every outing. However this time as I readied for the first round of the night (2 v. 2 team deathmatch), I felt less of the hesitation and nervousness that I feel when I try something new. Second time at the facility, I really felt ready to play. My rifle recalibrated and optics finally sighted, any fears faded and began to live here and now. As the referee counted down – “THREE”, my mind racing and thinking. Will I draw blood this time around? I am getting older, why am I living like this? “TWO”, how will this round will turn out? how will other think if my injuries was caused by these actions? Hundreds of questions until the call. “ONE”, silence. It was me, my breath and heartbeat as I drew my rifle up for the go.

Many things in my life, the best things happened in my life this far, have occurred when I’m nervous and scared. Unsure of the future, unsure of the consequences; risk and risk alone was the award for me. Yet risk and risk alone was what ended those great ventures. When I was young, I feared risk. Risk of injury, risk of loss, risk of failure. Much of the best years of my life is avoiding risk. I realize risk is what I need the most.

Life is indeed about trying new things, growing outside a shell. Though it’s not permission to go wild, it’s the steadfast determination when facing impending consequences. Being into the very moment to think and react and to not be ready what will have days and weeks beyond.

This moment in time is what we have left of ourselves. The next moment might not be the same. It could be but there is nothing to gain in a moment if it is the same. In the very moment, nothing beyond should really matter but right now. In my life, it has only happened once. The moment when my mind clears and I am in that moment. The moment when everything is nothing but what I hear, smell, touch and see. Itself in words only can quantify an infinite feeling. It’s almost exhilarating and yet I dare find it.

Lesser are my fears even if they exists. Facing them and challenging them is one thing I alone must achieve. Perhaps in it all fear is our greatest enemy but tenacity is humanities greatest weapon.

Picking Up Steam

When you’re younger, things seem to pass by so fast. Not much to remember and not much to regret. As the years pass, thing seem to expand and moments seem to linger.

In many ways we think we should have life travel faster when we were young, all the boring bits of high school and life. As an adult looking back, I had those days I wanted to blaze through the day until I can escape; now this is not the case. With work and life, I could only wish I had more time for everything. More time to play more, more time to spend time with loved ones, more time to make more money. There is only so much time in my life to do all the things I want, the problem is not the lack of time but the investment and commitment of time. A balance between going to play games but having enough time to work on my professional career.

I guess that is the curse of living and growing in a society like  this, we have so much but not enough to do what we would like. The world has so much to show you if you choose to pursue it, yet we are held into the comfortable and mundane. On the fringe, there is anyways something new and special. Yet here we are in the centre looking out and hoping something interesting comes along.

As I am writing this, the time is ticking for tomorrow to pull the long haul but stayed up  to write this because I know I will be far away from home to write another. No time to write, so much time to work. Partly of choice and necessity, it is society’s way. I want to commit to my personal life, but I need to find a balance.

We all need to find a balance.

Bit by bit.

“This is hard.” Three words to surmise every challenge we will or have ever back away and approached.  Especially when I was young, I felt really defeated because a lot of people said I was not smart, strong or cunning.  As much as “you are the best you you can be” mentality  can try and keep me, it’s only a short time before I get shot down again. Life can be accumulation of all my accomplishments and achievements; now I’m a tad older and wiser, I think it’s best to say not all those are someone’s expectations.

Awhile back, someone sent me a book about overcoming odds which has helped me piece together how I felt. In many ways, it has answered some questions I had about myself. Though I’m not much of a reader, I held onto every word to the next page. What has taught me I wish I had as a teenager, I can only wish I was a teen again and guide myself. In the book, it spoke of small steps to achieve bigger goals and thinking in new ways to change the perspective on a subject. As a trouble teen, I had a lot of problems with homework. Both the load of it and the deadlines worried me. Growing up in a household where completing all your work to the best of your skill was cherished more than sleep. As an adult now, I look back that most of all I did wouldn’t have mattered. All the lost time and opportunities have brought me here with this pessimistic hindsight. In the end of high school, impossibilities and improbabilities kept me so low I was ready to give up. There were days I must admit, I wanted to walk away from it all and forget it. I lost my way to only find it.

The whole things in life are impossible if you think of them as whole pieces. It is definitively difficult to see yourself in the future. We give ourselves the goals we sometimes will never achieve, but in all honesty all challenges can be met and our own goals can be accomplished. Rather than thinking in a whole term, the end goal, the final draft of a novel; perhaps smallest of terms, the next hour goal or just a page of a draft. In time the accumulation of the smallest of things can amount to bigger goals. Those bigger goals will snowball in to even larger goals before reaching to the final result.

In mathematics, we break down the formulas to plug in data. From that data we solve the small portions to what we know and what we have substituted. In the end we get the answer to the formula. Better yet think of bigger things like a desktop computer. At the smallest component, we have capacitors and processors, alone they are not much but metals and synthetic material. As you link them accordingly, you build a connection. Connect many connections together to make a circuit board and those circuit boards make a computer that can calculate and predict, can entertain and inform; get a bunch of computers together and you achieved something one lowly capacitor can do alone, connect humanity all around the world.

Another example is us; humans! As organic beings we are made of a lot of things, but it would feel impossible to know that only a few elements could  create something so large. Atoms to form molecules, molecules create chains, chains to form cells, those cells build specific organs which is an ensemble of us. Small steps to bigger and better things.

When you feel down and you think you can do it anymore, think of all the small things. You may be small, but you can affect so big things if you only did small things.

Growing Up or Growing In

Probably my age wouldn’t amount much advice when you ask me how mature is adulthood. Every adult will tell you to act your age; whether you are an adult or not. After just half a decade of “adulthood”, nothing has really changed.

In high school, we all discover new things while carrying our experiences in childhood. We meet new people, discover new things and make bigger decisions. Over time, we just learn the ways of the world and suddenly we realize life isn’t much rainbows and sunshine. Strange thing about teenagehood and adulthood is it’s much of the same, but post-puberty. That’s the secret, there isn’t nothing special about being a 20-something or 30-something. As much as people say at a certain age you start going downhill, it’s true everything gradually closes off to you as you get older but you will learn to get over it. In many ways the high school years only teaches you one thing, how to deal with regret in a humane fashion.

After a decade since being in the middle of pubescent period of my life, I come to the point where I am still discovering a bit of myself. After coming out as a young adult, it seems much around me stayed the same. However the interesting thing is I am still changing, I wasn’t the same person I was 6 months ago. I am always learning new things on my own and exploring new concepts and ideas. As everything and everyone tells me to grow up and “act your age”, there are so many contradictions in everyone and everything as well.

Creams and serums to make you look young and enhancements to make you feel just as young as you were when you were a teen. Yet fleeting as youth may be to some, I consider youth to be as constant as the wind. The wind just blows and will continue to blow as long as there is something to make it blow. Youth, you have to truly feel young at heart to be young at heart. In that sense, age is different to the sense of youthfulness. We can count the days like we count the stars; like both, there is no point if you are not in the moments you want to enjoy.

Growing up, doesn’t mean to be more mature and to be uptight with a stick up your butt all the time. Growing up is perhaps a cycle of finding joy in life in all the chaos and sadness life can bring. It’s perhaps not an evolution of yourself, but innovation of yourself. Keeping what you are to what you want to do next regardless of the mistakes we will make. It’s how we learn; from our failures and misdeeds.

“Up” is perhaps not the right way to describe it.

The Longest Of Nights

The past month, I’ve been away; if you haven’t realized, I had some posts queued for your reading pleasures. Much like the time I tried to live without internet at home for a few weeks, the pleasures of home is missed but at the same went and did something different.

While I was out there, I met a lot of interesting and new people. I definitely got in trouble from time to time. Most of all as a city boy, the most I got out of my travel is the stars. The richness and beauty of staring at the vast void of the galaxy. Every night I saw the stars, I could not help but to think “this could be the last time I will see how each star”. In reality, I love looking at the twinkling at the stars. It’s very calming to me; even when work gets crazy, I stare into those naked points of light and and feel very calm.

Now at home, my mind is fatigued. My body is sore and well worked by physical labour. My reward and challenges have been receive. Right and until next time, I need a nap.