Retrospective.

It’s my birthday month. After a long ass time working on my blog, it’s hasn’t change much compared to everything else in my life.

From what I can comfortably tell, this blog has gone through a few changes and I’ve tried to do one thing and another. I tried reviewing stuff here, I’ve ranted and still ranting, I’ve tried to reach out to the community a bit for some inspiration. The problem for me is I was never much a reader. It’s an unfortunate situation because reading is a great thing to do. Ever since I started this blog, I do want to read more. Recently I’ve even bought a few graphic novels and books. I’m actually reading through Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David D. Burns, MD, kind of want to but at the same kind of have to; it’s what my doctor says, so I feel I should find the answers to my own problems. Still reading for the sake of reading is beyond my grasp. I think awhile ago, I did mention this blog is more about to document changes; just a bit of something to share and look back on one day (assuming WordPress will still be around before and after I die).

I think I’ve made a lot of progress within the one or two years. Within the two years, I’ve gotten a part time job and still planning to work more often. Within a year I think I can recollect a bunch of new things I’ve tried and retried. I’ve taken up photography through buying a new camera. As you’ve seen in previous posts, there has been a few photos which turned out well. I’ve connected to the paint.net program through this, I’ve never found photo editing to be a fun task. Though my medium is digital, I admire some work still done with film. Those film photographers out there, you folks do have a remarkable skill. I’ve also made some small purchases as well from the book store aside from Feeling Good. Most of graphic novels and perhaps I might read more through graphic novels. After I’m done with this self-help, I’m ready for a light or fictional piece.

What I expect going on for the next year, I hope I gain and never lose. I’ve had a long slump in the past with only scarce small victories. Now I’m hoping more small victories with little losses, more gains and a flourishing lifestyle.

And cake, more cake!

22 Push Ups

Going around the internet at the moment (and a few of you already seen on Facebook or other medias) is some a bit odd. Not as odd as the ALS ice bucket challenge a few years back, but it’s a bit practical. It’s gotten popular to the point where my coworkers have drafted me into this charity drive.

In the past I’ve tried things to change up my regimen in hopes something sticks. Definitively I’ve tried to go video game free for a few weeks and a few days on my blog a long time ago. Now my friends have challenged me to complete 22 push ups per day for 22 days. Between my readers and I, I’m starting to hit a point where I’m not very frequent.

Here’s how I would describe the challenge for those who haven’t heard about it. Upon nominated in a video in someone’s push ups, you have a day to complete your first set of 22 push ups. After that, the intent is to complete 22 push ups every day for 22 days. Every single day, you are to nominate a person to do the push up challenge.

Aside from my inconsistency, my work has been disrupting the push ups. Last week I’ve been out of town and away from an internet connection. Being away means I have to pre-record or post-record another day. I feel pre-recording is a bit cheating the system but at the same time I know I’ll be a day or two behind. At the moment of this blog post, I have a few days behind my push ups because I’ve been sleeping through the days. It’s not a good thing since I have a few things to do during the day. Still have to visit the dry cleaners and get ready for another Saturday work day.

In the end, I just hope I still can finish my push ups. I’m just reaching my first week into this and I’m definitely going to need the entire month to finish.

Homeward Bound

As I grew up I felt less and less at home in the house as I grew up. Even if it was inherited, I would still feel I don’t belong here. After decades of being in this house and the neighbourhood, it’s familiar but it’s not what I would call “home”.

Something aches inside me to want a place I can my own. A place I can call own, a place I belong. There is just a place I want to be; I don’t know where, whether it’s metaphysical or realistic but it’s there gnawing inside and I want to find it. This is what salmon feel when they swim upstream, you just know you have to go but you don’t know where. Even if it kills me, I want to know where this place is and if it’s even there.

I’ve laid in fields with fields above. In the empty void, in the silence, there has been that urge; the urge to go home or find it. Even when I’m the place I sleep and work, the calling is way too strong to ignore.

What exactly am I looking for, what is this urge? Will I even find it?

Giving up.

It’s tough, I have to admit, it’s tough to seek happiness and peace in life when everything antagonize negative thoughts. Much recently, it has been occurring a lot. There would be moments I feel so good and myself, then I would just feel tired and wanting to give up.

Ever since I got this job in the big wide world, I’ve learned a few things to help resist those thoughts. It’s a rough go at first to push myself to go back to the positive space in my mind. With a bit of help from my workplace, I’ve been able to do it. It might not help for you, but give some of these a shot. First, I do a breathing exercise. A slow inhale, about 4 seconds; I try to focus myself until I have no thoughts in my head or until I feel calmer. Sometimes it takes over a minute to feel the calm I need to move on. The whole point is to have focus for the next part. Next I try to think about neutral and happy things. These can be petting animals, good moments I felt in my life, sleeping well after a long days work; stuff like these however limit it to one thing at time. I try to not push myself to spend more than a a few seconds because the moment would disappear. I keep doing this until I have collected myself to self affirm and validate myself as a person. Who I am, what I want in life, what I achieved, what will I want get done in this moment; positive “I can”, “I will”, “I shall” statements, out loud (I usually whisper it to myself) or in my head space to fill the neutral or positive void I’ve created. If it doesn’t work out, I focus on the breathing exercises; four seconds inhale and four seconds exhale.

It’s a slow progress to find the peace I need but from the couple years I’ve been at my job, I’ve had added one more thing on top. And here it is, whether you say it out loud is up to you:

There is no giving up, only surrender.

To surrender is to stop fighting.

To fight to find a meaning, a purpose, a cause.

There is more to in fighting than surrender.

DO NOT SURRENDER.

Closing In

In light of recent events, it feels as though the world is coming to progressive and about to turn around for the worse. As sensationalist as the headlines were the past month, a lot worries me. As a student of history, the world we live despite it’s technological and social differences, is starting to unravel much like the days of our ancestors. Bitterness and hatred onto other, xenophobia cleaving away into us and them. The last 70 years to push towards peace could be coming back to where it starts.

If we’re not careful if history has taught me, we will be building the walls our forefathers once built. Destroy a generation of young folks over an illusion of hate and control. The would never be the same and nor has it been for centuries. I’m seeing everyone is a bit diverted from the point in unity. Unity is to keep us together, to give everyone what we have the most and not to pit us into old rivalries.

Optimism can get only give us so much. The world is waiting for answer which we don’t have, are we not searching for them? Are we not exploring deep enough to find them? Perhaps this is what we all deserve for our collective ignorance. To pass on a world of debt and crises to a woeful few unprepared to be entrusted with our securities.

I’m nervous of what the world will be since the next decade could be even worse than the last.

Short But Sweet

Video games is still happening on my YouTube channel. I’ve been playing more Stardew Valley, but I’ve been trying to find some time to record some Call To Arms after fixing the weird launch bug. I could not, but instead play some other sandbox game.

The past week has been pretty hot so my sleep pattern has been heavily erratic. There has been nights where I wake up sweating and nights I would lay in bed exhausted but so hot I can’t even pass out. I’ve been in this situation, I’ll persevere.

This week has been a bit hectic. I haven’t been keeping up with anything aside from taking photos and keep on top of my work. Since I don’t have anything to talk about this week, I think I should just share to what I have taken recently with my Canon Rebel.

Until next time, enjoy these photos!

The Dark Hole

With all the news and headlines running amok, it really feels like we are living on the brink of chaos. I usually avoid the news to stay in a positive mood, but it seems more recently these articles are popping out more often.

The animosity of peoples unable to feuds and differences and a people’s indifference to care but to care for the superficial; I’m starting to think tomorrow is the tomorrow of an uncertain future. As we see ourselves as decent, noble, compassionate people; I can hardly describe what I see as just. I’m including myself in this. We are vile and terrible creatures compared to our ancestors who made a difference in the hardest times. Yet here we are squabbling over sensational headlines and preaching toward social justice for our selfish gains. As I sat at city hall recently looking at all the happy faces about in the seat of municipal power while the news reports about hatred for civil authority; I had to ask, “what do we want?” What exactly do we want as a people? Do ask for peace? For unity? It’s scary how it looks like we’re grasping at straws rather than having a defined movement in our generation. With technology gifted to us, we are underutilizing it to push on with the gift our ancestors alwys wanted and given to us. A gift of everlasting peace and harmony to our people and the people in need.

I feel I can just do is sit here and watch for us to dig a dark hole to bury us all.

Specifics

I recently had the privilege of going out with a bunch of coworkers. It’s something I do quite often to know the people I work with on a weekly basis. However recently one of them posed a question to me about what I want in life; starting from the woman I would like in my life down to where I want to be. I realized I something about my life I have so forgotten; I could never describe everything to this person next to me on the steps about what I want, how could I ever find someone if I don’t what I am looking for in terms of looks and personality.

My entire existence up to now has been just a happenstance and good faith. I grew up understanding my own personal needs are irrelevant and even if I wanted something, I would get somewhere close to my intended result. The earliest was my first console, as much as the Super Nintendo was an amazing system, I wanted an N64.

They finally convinced me I should really start to put an effort in finding something to keep me grounded. I don’t necessarily have a steady job but I really want to find someone out there to share a life with even though I and we haven’t figured something out yet. The problem is who exactly I want to be with in that relationship.

Not only who I want to date, but where I want to live and work in the future. I don’t have all the answers but I should really seek them. Then maybe finally I will get what I want.

Day 2 – 20 Facts About Me

Long list ahead, you have been warned.

I’ve lived in my hometown all my life. There are times I want to move out of this place. However her vices keep here; variety and culture keeps me grounded.
I started my blog to just vent out my problems. I realized a long time ago, I was mostly depressed because of having everything pent up inside. Having an outlet of it all has calmed me down. I still have have so much to improve upon.
While we’re on the top of mental illness, I have ADHD. It does seem like I do anyways. All the symptoms are there if you have ever read up on ADHD. If you haven’t, here are a few things about ADHD: trouble with completing tasks, difficulty focusing, easily distracted, poor social skills. I try to think of it as a personal trait than something that inhibits me. If anything it’s made me honest and observant. Knowing I might have something has made me realized “normal” is a subjective state. “Normal” is to fit the general population, if 50% wore top hats then you could say it’s normal to wear a top hat. If that is the case,”normal” is something I won’t want to be because it stagnates and gets boring.
Favourite food is a hard choice. I like sweet and savoury foods. I like chocolate and candy, especially gummy bears. I’m omnivorous so I like to eat certain animals, mainly chicken, pigs and cows. I would say if I wanted to sit somewhere and watch the world to pass in from of my eyes, definitely a medium steak with a side of grilled veg and maybe a can of soda. I like noodles so spaghetti and ramen are on the table.
There are few things I found beautiful and nothing would seem to taint those memories. I once laid in a field and watched the stars and moon travel across the black velvet sky. I have sat in a coffee shop and watched the sun set and let the shadows of skyscrapers cover the world. Now the sad thing…
Of all the beautiful things I’ve seen, I’ve done them alone. I think that is all I can say about it. Definitely life is worth more with loved ones, will I find her? We shall see.
Favourite colours: green and blue.
Music: Paramore and Taylor Swift, you will realize it by day 7.
I have spontaneously slow danced with someone. It was romantic and awesome.
I’ve been told many things about my personality. Mostly I’ve been told I’m “sweet”, “kind”, “honest”, “loyal”. Which…cue #11!
I think of myself differently than what people see. I guess I have an inferiority complex or something. Sometimes I feel I’m not good enough or undeserving, I put forward more effort and just feels like the same. I have a lot of unresolved issues, but I try.
I still listen to the music I use to listen to in high school. Proves to you that some things never change.
PC Master Race, consoles are inferior due to hardware restrictions. Come at me, console gamers!
The only graphic novels I’ve read were from Bryan Lee O’Malley, the author of the Scott Pilgrim series. Which I have not yet read; perhaps soon?
Video game series of all time: Grand Theft Auto. Especially GTA 3 and onward because the worlds are large and players have a lot of things to do. I have only played San Andreas and GTA IV, but I would like to play GTA V when I can. As for genre, I like open world games where you can go and do your own thing without walls.
Blue skies are better than stormy weather.
Summer is better than autumn. However autumn is better than spring. Winter gets no love because Canada is cold during the winter.
I like to work out as much as I can.
I would like to play video games as a career. I think I’m getting a bit old for it, but who knows what the world might give me.
I’m a terrible liar.

Tenacity.

Recently, I had the opportunity to use my “once a month” airsoft budget to play again. This time rather than the shy timid person I was, I opened up to myself as the personality that I am towards my fellow players. Though I must admit I was a bit physically rough with myself with some sustained injuries, it wasn’t that painful compared to my last experience. Definitely lessons learned and points to sustain for every outing. However this time as I readied for the first round of the night (2 v. 2 team deathmatch), I felt less of the hesitation and nervousness that I feel when I try something new. Second time at the facility, I really felt ready to play. My rifle recalibrated and optics finally sighted, any fears faded and began to live here and now. As the referee counted down – “THREE”, my mind racing and thinking. Will I draw blood this time around? I am getting older, why am I living like this? “TWO”, how will this round will turn out? how will other think if my injuries was caused by these actions? Hundreds of questions until the call. “ONE”, silence. It was me, my breath and heartbeat as I drew my rifle up for the go.

Many things in my life, the best things happened in my life this far, have occurred when I’m nervous and scared. Unsure of the future, unsure of the consequences; risk and risk alone was the award for me. Yet risk and risk alone was what ended those great ventures. When I was young, I feared risk. Risk of injury, risk of loss, risk of failure. Much of the best years of my life is avoiding risk. I realize risk is what I need the most.

Life is indeed about trying new things, growing outside a shell. Though it’s not permission to go wild, it’s the steadfast determination when facing impending consequences. Being into the very moment to think and react and to not be ready what will have days and weeks beyond.

This moment in time is what we have left of ourselves. The next moment might not be the same. It could be but there is nothing to gain in a moment if it is the same. In the very moment, nothing beyond should really matter but right now. In my life, it has only happened once. The moment when my mind clears and I am in that moment. The moment when everything is nothing but what I hear, smell, touch and see. Itself in words only can quantify an infinite feeling. It’s almost exhilarating and yet I dare find it.

Lesser are my fears even if they exists. Facing them and challenging them is one thing I alone must achieve. Perhaps in it all fear is our greatest enemy but tenacity is humanities greatest weapon.