End of 2018

It’s getting close to the end of this year. As I’m writing this, I have hardly slept and spent a few nights laying in bed wondering and thinking to myself. I have slowed down in writing my thoughts in my blog in this latter half because I haven’t been too well since my doctor passed away. I am still hoping I will get the help I need before it’s too late. I just have to practice and find a balance to everything which I hope can help me away from my malaise.

I haven’t picked up my camera in the past month. Starting to feel bad about it since I haven’t taken a lot of photos. Looking through it’s viewfinder, I miss how it feels and the joy it use to make me feel. Perhaps around Christmas or after Boxing Day I’ll take up photography again. The most difficult part right now is keeping up with work.

Getting a seasonal gig with my former employer is great, despite all the pain I went through last year. I hope eventually it will turn into a part time job considering the first time I felt fairly qualified to work more than a sales associate, assistant manager perhaps? Regardless I’m glad and I get to see all the people I’ve met before, though I have forgotten most of their names.

As what I hope to be the second last post of the year I guess I should try and make a list of all I have accomplished this year. As per my doctor’s last recommendation, I’m starting to look into a lot of cognitive therapy to cope. So…accomplishments:

  • Went to Niagara Falls for the first time In January it’s still beautiful despite the cold, icy, wet weather. I wish I spent more time.
  • Surpassed 300 photos on 500px. Also surpassed 10, 000 shots on my first DSLR camera.
  • Bought a new laptop. For now I have two but eventually I will have one once I feel comfortable enough to part this old thing I found in the trash. You have served me well.
  • New toys! Bought two used lenses, one (almost) brand new lens, and a used camera body. Overall I paid market price after having them professionally cleaned.
  • More recent, started to look into sleep meditation and actively managing my depression. The ADHD behaviors I can accept but the feeling sad stuff needs a lot of attention.
  • Enjoyed a long lost hobby, reading! I’m nowhere near attentive for novels but I’ll accept a good narrative after playing Life is Strange and Life is Strange: Before the Storm. Which reminds me, I should preorder the comic book.
  • Finished Fallout 4. Now I can move on to other games. Hopefully that gaming list shrinks quickly.
  • Paramore!! Second time I saw them live. Still great but I connected more with their previous album.
  • Getting on the dating scene? A bit embarrassing but I can own up to it. Been on way more dates than the last 4 years combined. No winners…yet.
  • A year without Star Trek Online. I haven’t logged in for so long. I think I can finally move on since the Kelvin timeline and Discovery kind of gave me a sour taste for it.
  • Nuit Blanche art event. Spent the entire night checking out all the arts and culture. Last year was way too political. Still very crowded if not worse.
  • Bought CD’s. An old medium but once I get a portable disc player, I’m going to have fun.
  • I got Instagram to share some photos.
  • I got business cards, I wish I could add my Instagram on them. They came first.

Still more to come in the last few weeks. My plans are to buy the SNES Classic and maybe the NES. I’m thinking of another Niagara trip either Niagara-On-The-Lake or somewhere small. I still want to snap photos and hopefully punch through to 400 on 500px. Lastly…

…I want to write my final post for the year. Stay tuned!

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Decades Out

How would you be in ten years? I the phantasm of my own yester years, am I just a reflection of an alteration of my previous self?

Though eloquent than “what the hell is wrong with me?” when it comes to see to past. The passing day I grow angry or sad because I think my old social media is slowly destroying me. In the past few years, a couple people I knew got married. Lucky them but the worst of all that is they’re my age. They’ve done so much while I sat here in the corner of the globe to watch boats and stare at ceilings. As much as I struggle, these people are finding themselves and each other. They’ve settled. While here I am irrepressible and depressed, like something is either wrong with me or it’s all a hateful game. Travelled the world, create a masterpiece, fall and stay in love. I’m the damned who could just achieve just one of these.

So one more of my Facebook friends (not my real friends) finally getting married. “Good for her” while secretly I wish I could find someone special like her. Why do I bother to get up if I can’t succeed at anything besides breathing? I just wish I could stare into that mirror and see a better self so I can have something to fight for than staring back the wishing face.

Social media isn’t good for me for sure, especially if I have “friends” sharing their intimate moments. I can’t let go but at the same time, I do.

Curse this modern age.

Remember when we were kids in school and they asked us what do you think you would be in 10 years? Still the same now as I was a decade ago and probably a decade out, secretly miserable and absently alone.

Bogged.

No surprise I’ve been updating this blog more infrequently. Not to dull you with all the goings on with my life. At the same time, I’ve come a long way from being absolutely professional here to being just me.

It’s another year living on this earth though. I did all I can do before work summoned me for the weekend. I went out and got myself a couple presents, sounds pathetic but I thought I would make the week special. So I got myself a bit more money for Steam, Life Is Strange 2 hopefully by Christmas.

Then after the end of the weekend, I had an opportunity to meet a lovely young woman. No surprise my life has been a bit empty, been kind of seeking companionship outside the regular places I meet people. Perhaps a bit more, the troubling part is I’m just too different or weird (or awkward) for most women. Nonetheless keep trying until someone just as like minded as me comes along. The best to hope for is soon. Though it was nice to meet someone and talk a bit ourselves on an autumn afternoon. At least now I feel I don’t have to hide this part of my life especially it’s a dull and uneventful one. Admittance is part of acceptance (I guess).

On the upside, I have now repaired my Canon T6i. Though according to the invoice it was just a clean. Clean no doubt but I regret not buying a new T6i since after all I paid for was just as justified for a new one. Perhaps even a used one with more of the equipment like a charger. Police auction is not the best way to acquired used goods. I have to get out and shoot and experiment with this camera though beside from that one time I took it to a bar with live music.

As I write this, there is a part of my heart feels empty. I just to press myself into activity and hope I find what I’m looking for, just take the shots I need and hopefully one will be that beautiful moment. For now, I just feel slow and bogged down.

I’m Ready For It

The past week has been busy and recently I haven’t kept on top of the blog. However it doesn’t mean I’ve been idle.

Like last year, I’ve committed more time looking for another part-time job. There is a few potential employers I’m in talks with, hopefully I can gainfully be employed despite the political quagmire in my locale. Ever since I’ve added my photography hobby, I’ve been more curious about how to go about marketing that to employers. Meanwhile I did get a small gig working as a consultant with all I know about photography. It was fairly impromptu but I helped a few, though their photographer was a but stubborn at the young whippersnapper trying to tell him what to do. I would’ve happily photographed their products but they’re a big stringent and uncontrollable on site. There is little to no budget for photography yet they ask their employees to do a lot with nothing. Definitely contracting my services in the future would be more suitable for me.

After a few weeks, I’ve finally taken my new camera in for repair. The smudges (and apparently scratches) annoyed me where I finally want it cleaned. When I first bought it it didn’t come with a body cap to protect the sensor so I used mine. Little did I know, they placed it in a dusty box. From all the trouble I went through, I could’ve bought a new Canon T6i for same price and I would’ve gotten another kit lens. Defeated, I’ll take it for now. Also recently I acquired a 300mm telephoto which isn’t as sharp as I thought at 300mm so I’ve traded for a 24mm prime lens. So my collection grows in it’s own weird way.

Also since the I was told Adventure Time was ending, I’ve been trying to download the entire series to binge watch. Right now I’m in season 3 of 9, getting where I kind of stopped. I missed the show since it has that subtle adult content with a Saturday morning cartoon feel. I can’t wait for the winter since Star Trek Discovery is coming back after having a mixed first season. The Expanse is coming back at some point which I’m ready.

Looking forward since I’m playing Hitman on Steam, I’m thinking of upgrading my PC. Ten years on, she’s prime for a hardware upgrade. Motherboard, CPU and RAM. Though I think she has a few more years ahead, I need her as future proof as I made her at first. This time around, I might order through Amazon since the computer stores around here are usually sold out. I’m not sure when I’ll make those purchases but it will be as a bulk purchase.

A couple months, I just hope I can do it all. I’m a procrastinator so it might happen. We’ll see.

I have to stop…

The past month, I have been engulfed in the obsession with auction houses. It hasn’t gotten into online yet but I’ve been bidding on surplus equipment and items from local police departments and authorities.

So far this month, I’ve spent about $1000 on everything. A bit (if not a lot) than I expected but the savings have been either marginal or really good. Despite being cosmetically damaged or “battery life/stamina is unknown”, I fear there might be some other defects. Something defective that the employees at the auction house won’t inspect for; big example being the lens and camera body I bought. I bought a Canon 50mm and a T6i for well under the cost of even used, but on close inspection there are some imperfections. For a camera system, these imperfections are borderline close to damaged. A smudge on the reflex mirror or a hairline scratch on the lens, these would annoy me especially if it’s noticeable in the image or on the viewfinder. As satisfied as I am with them, I feel scared at the fact that I have little to no idea how the quality by just a few images and testimony from the auctioneer.

At least now I have the opportunity to get a replacement iPod Shuffle. Mine’s water damaged but at least I can have one that works with superficial damage. But that’s what’s been going on with me this past month so far.

Bikers, Cyclists, Pedestrians. Oh My!

The other day after I spent my time taking photos around the city, I decided to hop on a streetcar. Usually people don’t chat with the driver because their focus should be the road. However looking at the face of the driver, I felt this guy needed a change of pace. So what did we talk about?

Aside from photography which he was more versed than I would ever be with techniques principles and hardware, we got into talking traffic in the city. We swapped stories as vehicle operators and pedestrians, agreeing and disagreeing on a bunch of topics. The entitled cyclist and racing bikes and cars sprinting through the roads. Hearing from him, he mentioned he wants more warning especially for pedestrian crossing. However I quipped about the confusion about pedestrian crossings.

Here we have a countdown timer for pedestrians. As simplistic it sounds, the countdown was originally meant for the vehicle committing a right turn and to tell pedestrians to stop. Whoever planned and engineered these signs made it look like the lighting system makes you think you have a certain time to cross. I said to him the only way to stop pedestrians from dashing across is if all signs just told everyone to stop. A red light for cars and a solid hand for pedestrians. In lieu of a countdown, just a hidden timer until the next green light.

Sometimes a good idea just involves talking to people who have to live through those mistakes.

The city here is filled with literal and figurative signs of actions upon the infrastructure. Senior zones that cover just 2 city blocks, defunct or aging neighbour watch, unenforced school calming zones on 6 lane thoroughfares; there is no consistent idea what the city wants but works on the whims of those affected by them. In a chaotic system like traffic infrastructure, I would side with anyone who builds a logical and intuitive system of signage.

Off to Auction.

Recently I’ve received a new debit card, replacing the old one with a degrading chip. Of course my bank went through the whole dog and pony show. Of course now I have a bit of money so I think I can start buying a few things online.

After a bit of online browsing, I found a small site that auctions odds and ends from tools to electronics and clothing to miscellany. Thus far, I haven’t won anything. Luck of the auction I guess, but I’m starting to consider to auction snipe. At the last minute, I should just place a bid just to win it. Guess it’s one thing about online auctions, anyone can bid on anything and just force people to bid higher until no one can pay for it. So it’s just smarter to bid at the last minute.

I’ve been looking through Amazon as well. So I might buy a few things on there if there is something I want and it’s a better sale there than locally. I doubt it with shipping cost, but I’m hopefully I might find things I might need or would use.

It’s getting close to the end of summer and I’ve been prolifically taking photos. With Instagram now, I’m really picking stuff I want to share. Which is tough since there is much I want to reserve to try and license. As of yet, 500px has yet yielded a single purchase from me. So I have uploaded a lot with nothing to show, but I don’t want to give up yet.

I’ll work on it. For now, just take photos.