Alcoholism kept me away

I don’t know what else to say beyond the subject line. The past month and a half has been a bit of a heavy low for me.

From the last month until now I’ve been busy with CONTACT, a local photography festival. Visiting all (or most of them I wanted to see) the interesting exhibits. Some work was very abstract with video elements but it was a nice month to unwind. By the end of May, there was a large open house event and I managed to see a few things.

Beyond that I’ve been kind of lonely and been trying to fill my time either diverting from my thoughts and it’s rough. Every day it has been either going out with a camera or trying to be around other people and hoping I can overcome my shyness to talk to someone. Spoiler alert: I’ve been awkward, shy and weird as per everyone has told me in my life (aside from everything else). So what I do when living in a city full of bars? I starting to drink heavily…for the second time in several months.

The first time, it was light. A few drinks here and there, then I starting drinking a couple. Then after that a couple more after that. At the moment I’m at 5 drinks per sitting. It’s not good when I’m doing this twice a week. I want to stop drinking to at least maintain some sort of self-temperance. However this drinking has opened my mind to some disturbing things. At the moment I don’t feel like diving too personal about it but I’m trying to find help without spending money. First I have to get off the booze.

I use to to upload to YouTube to share my gameplay stuff and use to be active on Twitter as well. Not I’m starting to think I need time away from it. Just watch other people because I feel little to no incentive since I feel like it’s more work than to hold me down from excessively gaming. At the moment, Stardew Valley is getting a bit of play time but I’m slowly sinking back into play hours on end. My eyes use to burn because I would stare at the monitor for over 4 hours.

Photography thing is going good. A local newspaper might want to hire me for events so I’m excited. It’s a bit of work to get on board but I think it could open up for me in terms of taking photos. Portraiture is one thing I have yet to explore so there might be something new in the works if I get on with the newspaper.

I haven’t left this place yet, but I do want to come back and be grounded to something at the moment.

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A Month Ago – The Conclusion

Continue from here.

About a month passed and work was coming to the end. I spend the best trying settle in; sleep, work, eat, meditate (Thanks Pacifica), TV, eat, meditate, repeat. Though I had about a week to go, I wish I had one more just to take my camera out one more time. The snow isn’t like that in the city and I wanted this chance to take it all in.

Packing wasn’t as tough as I was beginning to get use to travelling. Works clothes first into a bag, then my own clothes in another and finally my cameras into it’s own bag. I sat waiting for my ride out. It was kind of sad knowing I might not come back working here. With a living space I had, I wouldn’t mind it if I could come back here every day. I turned a small apartment room into a home. Not my home, but a home I would be happy to come back to at the end.

Listening to my MP3 player on the ride back. I watched nature give away to concrete and steel. The 2 lane highway turned into 4, then 6. I saw the city limits, then I was under an hour from my house. Coming back into my room, I felt relieved but I knew I had it better while I was there. If I had my computer and my own internet, I would’ve been content.

It made me fortunate with the time I had there and what I have here waiting for me. Here, the moments I life behind and the moments still waiting to be discovered.

I still have photos to process, hopefully be done with them by March. While I do that, take more of my city. Or perhaps take one more trip as my vacation. Though while I was there, it felt like a vacation from my own life.

A Month Ago – The Town

Continues from here.

I travelled to the next town over after scouting this place for a dining spot. The week before, I ate at a quiet Chinese/Japanese All-You-Can-Eat spot. After walking the main street there, I knew I had to return. I spend the afternoon until sundown taking photos right across town. Starting from a park on the most easterly and following the river right to the middle of town and their marina. For city folk like me, I wish I could just sit there in awe in the beauty. People in makeshift and pre-fabricated fishing cabins, the silence breaking through over the frozen water’s edge. If my damn zipper would have zipped, I could’ve stayed in once place and run my camera through everything in my bag (filters, timers, lenses oh my). By the time I reach the southerly end complete with mall, I had enough time to walk in for a browse before calling a ride home.

A Month Ago – The Beach

Continues from here.

The snow up there is much more than I’m used to, the snowbanks were as tall as single story buildings. The snow laid calm though just underneath was a skin of ice thick as window glass. I went out to the local town and found myself walking into a path leading along a small river. I came across a park covered in snow with one path plowed along rolling cliffs with houses flanking this flat space. It was beautiful and magical; the morning sun glistening on the snow, the wind calmed in the trees. I tried to follow a foot track to the clearing but I sunk into the snow right up to the hip. Rather than wading into a potential risk of hypothermia, I retreated. I photo cam be a gorgeous thing, but I wasn’t equipped to wade into deep snow for one shot. That morning was relatively cold. My breath froze on my camera body, cellphone sluggish to every action I demand from it. By the time I made it to the beach and walked back, the wind kicked up that I had to take shelter behind a snowbank before my eyes froze shut. It didn’t help that my jacket zipper finally broke that week and I didn’t find a good replacement for my poor jacket. From there, the frigid morning gave way to a cool afternoon.

A Month Ago – The Break

Continues from here.

On the off time, I downloaded some apps to help my pills through the infinite sadness. I first downloaded Calm, but being poked and prodded for a premium subscription, I decided to download Pacifica. Both are depression and anxiety apps, the later more geared towards recording my mental well being daily and giving me a communal support group. At first I was hesitant about Pacifica, I can say it’s growing on me. I like the guided meditation and the interface. Though the private groups users created are hidden away but the public spaces there are very helpful. Reading about all the good things happening to people and then trying to help others, I feel so comfortable in that space.

When I was halfway through my time there, I finally decided to go home to pick up one more thing I should’ve brought with me while I was up there. My camera, how much I missed it. The next weekend I had I woke up early to catch the sunrise and went on a walking excursion.

A Month Ago – The Grind

Start from here.

It was absolutely slow knowing I’d be away for so long without my desktop. Luckily I didn’t bring a laptop, otherwise I was be stuck without internet. All I had was my phone and MP3 player to keep me company when I’m not working. Well…I did have a TV provided to me, a small plus since I could watch Star Trek Discovery and all the TV shows I usually download. I’m still one of those holdouts who pirate instead of streaming things on Netflix and the like.

I did however had the opportunity to go to Tim Horton’s or the mall to use the wi-fi there but I could never stay long enough to download something. When I did go, I would catch up with YouTube. When I wasn’t mooching, I just used my data to look things up or check Facebook and Instagram. Speaking of which, I did spend a lot of data and if you’re not from Canada, you could not feel how crippling going 8GB over your plan can be. Honestly it’s a small price to pay to stay sane.

I always had trouble sleeping when living in a new place. Even if it’s just for a couple nights in a motel. The first couple weeks I was struggling to sleep normally that after work I would just crash for a couple hours before dinner. After I had my belly filled, I would crash another couple hours in from of my TV. Waiting – waiting for the night to be morning.

A Month Ago – Here we go…

Hey everyone, kind of missed posting here. About a month ago, I was called to work and pretty much stayed there until I was done. I’ve been far away from home and now I feel settled in to tell you all the stuff that has happened since.

After reading through all the things I’ve jotted down for this lone post, I think it’s best to break it up in parts.

Sorry for teasing you. Hope the keywords don’t spoil anything.

Panic.

Not sure if I ever had this feeling before but something happened recently I cannot shake off and disturbs me. As I was laying in bed with my head in the clouds, I found myself in a dark place. I was spiraling out of control, one nasty thought to the next. Thoughts that question how I am and what I feel to the point where my heart felt like beating out of my chest. I laid there motionless as I tried breathing. Winding through all these dangerous thoughts, hyperventilating in a wide eyed state. Just as quickly as it happened, it all stopped. Breathing back to normal and my heart didn’t feel like exploding. Thoughts of myself disappeared.

I’m still figuring out what happened, but from what I felt it was a panic attack. It was really intense and scary. I don’t think ever in my life I could experience something so frightening. All I could do was lay there and let it pass, forcing myself to breath. I feel all the negative things in my life have compounded into this anxious moment.

A bit ironic since I had to check in with my doctor not too long ago. It’s worrying I have to be in this state of mind when I got no idea how many more times it could happen. Of course this is the first time, but how many more until I can tell someone.

I try to not involve my life in my blog, but this is the few times I really need to put it on record.

Stepping back and procrastinating…or something like that

The past week was really dull, in detail it was mind numbing. The ins and outs of hunting for suitable employment has put me into the point of just snapping. Not because it was stressful, it was lacking the stressful stimulation I really need. Though looking back when I was kid, I never really wanted a job but just to enjoy life. In hindsight, it wasn’t completely true. It’s halfway through 2014 and I spend the last half decade without meaningful employment. In a way, I’m not having fun. Perhaps my approach is tempered by the fact, living life is synergetic. To be productive is to have fun and when you have fun at what you do then you can keep holding on to what you do. Quite unfortunate for me considering jobs here are a means to an end. Whether to lose debt, gain wealth or (In my case) a means to survive the future, I’m still stuck here trying to move on with my life when the world just feels like it won’t let me and it’s just teasing me with false exit strategies.

Stuck here watching Stargate Atlantis from front to back puts it in perspective since I’m halfway through the series after a couple days. This past week is probably the first time for a long while I feel mentally exhausted. Exhausted of rejection. Exhausted of silence. Exhausted of what seems to be a futile pursuit.

Perhaps I’m just pushing myself a bit too much and I need to relax. I’m not saying I had a stressful week, but I wish I had a more to do besides find available positions and get rejected repetitively. There is a reason why I’m not a desk person.

Until next time, have a relaxing weekend!

Big…deep…breaths…

Recently, it’s been kind of rocky in terms of the high and lows that lulled for such a long time. When it came straight back with a vengeance, it was literally pre-emptive. I slept in (no surprise), I do try and sleep regularly and it is definitely working but this small relapse brought a slap into my face. I just felt a spark to wake me and just the sudden feeling of dread and sadness. It really felt like that for the rest of the night, for the last hours of Thursday.

Not quite sure sleep was eluding me of I to it, but I did my best with the five hours before waking up and starting this blog entry. Though I do feel quite insecure about my anxiety, if anything I do what I must to contain the whole sudden stress imparted to my system. It’s not as bad as anymore and I am getting better. I’ve been saying that, but I could climb out the hole I fell in two plus years ago. I just have to grab and pull myself out of the situation I’ve put myself in.

This week was going to be a big week, but now from big to bust. But I can definitely recover it by just having everything set up and ready to go next week, I need sleep and a schedule. I asked my doc to back off on the pharmaceutical regimen to get clean and independent from it. I’m hoping I get out of this, I can start to come back to my old life a bit more normal. I do have reservations, willpower is one thing. I’ve been drained from just fighting myself, I’m not licked yet. I’m going to stay on target no matter how deviated the trajectory. With the drug crutch shortening, I have until the end of summer to fix everything up and be ready to deal with more reality. Video games, medication and procrastination; must be less to none. Pushing it back to likely two hours and be completely controllable. It is controllable now, but I’m still having trouble keeping time. Lot of progress on that front, I am going keep rolling on it. I’m really optimistic compared to what I was when I started reaching out and fixing my own issues.

Between the three, video games is the one big thing that’s really kicking me down. It leads to procrastination, it’s the “two birds one stone” of my list of vengeful destruction. Hardest to separate myself from Battlefield, Fallen Earth and Star Trek Online; I think I’ve settled into a good rut of video games I can enjoy for a good amount of time.

Big…deep…breaths…