nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Tag Archives: addiction

Re: Your First (Videogame) Love

Response to aander14’s blog post here.

For me, I had bunch of small moments that fell in the right place. For me when I started playing video game, I wasn’t much of an enthusiast. My parents were fairly strict and (Dare I say) somewhat backwards when it comes to new technology. Here’s the list of firsts that got me into playing video games.

The first time I ever met the digital world was probably in school when I was a kid. That’s when schools started to teach kids about graphic design and how to draw stuff on computers. The first computer I remember using was a Macintosh, I’m talking the years before the iMac went on the market and every school in my district pretty much had something from the late 80’s. Most distinctive piece of software was the paint program for it where you use dynamite to “blow up” your creations. Later as each classroom got it’s own computer, the district went forward with getting PC’s. Before the Apple computers were phased out of the computer lab, I remember playing Battle Chess or a variant of it. Until my parents finally got an SNES, this so happens to be the first exposure to video games in my entire life.

Then I got the SNES, or Super Nintendo for those who are a tad young and asking “what’s a SNES?” Remember how my parents were so strict on me playing video games? They were probably the epitome of tiger parents before the term even came around as “tiger parenting”. So essentially when they got me the SNES, they thought I was too young to have it and too young to do anything besides go to school and get good grades. My sibling on the other hand turned the argument around and got us the SNES. First game we got was Super Mario All Stars and at the time even with my parents putting money to this game console, the would hardly let us play it until we were done our homework or we had nothing else to do. After awhile, our library to include Super Mario World and Gladius II which was given to use by relatives. Later on in grade school, I met other people who owned the Playstation and the N64. At the time, the PS had GTA but I never touched it until a buddy of mine at the time got it and told me to try it. I mostly stayed on their N64 and my SNES. First exposure with platformers aside, I got into cinematic cutscenes and gun play of Perfect Dark. I got deep into the singleplayer and enjoyed the split screen, big head cheat fun of of PD.

The same buddy that got Perfect Dark got Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and they let me play it. That was when everything just click. I liked sandbox, violence and open world games. Even to this day, these are the tenets of video games I like especially when it’s not overly exaggerated and just allows some escape from reality. As I got older, my parents seemed to relax a little and got me the Game Boy Advance and some games for it. For the most part, I stuck to Mario Kart for the GBA and Pokemon Red. By this time I was coming up to my teen years and I was fairly entertained through cartoon violence. So Mario and friends later got boring to me, lacking the things I want in games. I laid fairly dormant with my GBA until I was around 13 when I finally got my first PC.

Growing up in lower middle class, my parents couldn’t afford what I wanted in a PC so I got something a bit low brow. More attuned to a workstation than a gaming rig, I got this 512 MB with 40 GB computer running the last Intel Pentium ever created. This was my gateway to the world. To top it off my parents let the world wide web into the house with DSL and that’s when everything starting to ramp up for myself when I played the many games I soon to find to be everywhere. Firs it started with browser games that are precursors to Facebook games. Then I got a collection of pirated games from my sibling when they moved away for university; but mostly I remember Mechwarrior 3. By this time, my life starting to go downhill. In my child-like mind, the world didn’t seem as beautiful and carefree. As I entered high school, I already accumulated a lot of time into my first MMO, Kal Online which was a Korean MMO taken place in Korean lore. I got as far as I could in the game but in the end at level 25-ish, I gave up after feeling the grind of the game. Of course I moved on; Silkroad Online, WarRock, and Cabal comes to mind. Perhaps there a dozens I’ve played and forgotten. After my first PC finally gave, I got a new PC and continued playing. First on the roster if memory serves was NavyField which was a Korean MMO naval arena. Of course the game has been updated many times over the years; when I remembered it, the game only had 4 nations (US, GB, Germany and Japan). This second PC lasted me a good while and I even tried to go off gaming to pursue increasing my grades. With all my efforts and looking back on it, it was indeed a futile effort and regardless of any scientific study; it didn’t change my grades, I was still the below average student since grade school. Fondest memory was the closest time I went into Major League Gaming; yes that’s right, I was close to MLG material at the ripe age of 15/16. At the time, I was playing America’s Army with a clan I was in trying to get a team together into MLG. In short, the power went out and I lost my shot at a small pot of cash at a small growing gaming tournament league. I believe the cash prize was about $14-18 grand USD per person. In it’s finality of it continuing to this day, my parents view of video games is damning. Video games is a form of entertainment and not a business you can get into, so they say. Yet I could’ve been the coolest kid in high school since I won $14 000.

By now, it was about 8 years ago where I finally found a job and made some money to get myself a custom gaming PC. This is where everything went to hell in a hand basket and yet opened me to the world of video games on an addictive level. When I got my current rig, I went to town on my bank account and bought games. I spent it as wisely as I could starting with putting it into games I can play on Steam. I bought the Orange Box which as Team Fortress 2, Half Life 2 series and Portal for a cheap price. I went back to my roots somewhat and got GTA IV, I even stuck around cyberspace to explore the free games it has to offer. Before my 8800 GT GPU died and my hard drive in need a refurbishment, I think I played about the same amount of games I had played in the past over a span of 4-5 years. Which brings us to the last 3 years and now.

Now, I’m stuck to sharing games with others. I like aspects of co-op games and sandboxes. I’m stuck to my old ways where I play games I like. If my play time in Star Trek Online isn’t proof of my past, I don’t know what would prove where I was in the past 3 years. Moving forward, I want to break away from my parents opinions on video games. I want to making a small inkling in playing video games. If I can’t, at least I want to do is share my love for video games to the world at large.

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Post-Christmas, Pre-New Year’s Eve and Desktop Design Idea…Also Belated Anniversary

Addicted to video games, and still addicted to video games. It’s been about a few weeks since I really enjoy a good gaming session. Of course I’ve been logging into Star Trek Online for daily nudies from Q, but it’s not what I really want in terms of playing a game. On a laptop especially, gaming is pretty low quality or boring. What makes it worse is I can’t stream YouTube on my laptop but I can on my phone. First world problems; can’t stream YouTube in high quality. I have to admit, I’m quite fidgety awaiting for my next fix. I somewhat regret cracking open Blacklight Retribution before travelling for Christmas. Even with all this, I have a week and a half to go before I return to my desktop. Ugh, when I do; I will do and do it all night long (maybe).

Enough about me, I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Either opening present or eating Chinese food – or both! If none, then maybe New Year’s Eve will be interesting. Unfortunately, I will be alone for New Year’s; I’ll be joining the lonely few to drink, watch TV or hanging out on the internet. Okay to be honest, I’m counting days right now. I do think I’ve overstayed my welcome in the great land of the United States of America. I want to get home, get on a bunch of job listings and play video games non-stop.

In desperation, I’ve been sitting around the internet looking for small form factor desktop computers. Specifically that can be modular to handle upgrades like a regular sized desktop but designed to video games. Pretty much all I want inside a tiny box is a gaming PC that fits inside my backpack and will work everywhere where a monitor and internet is available. Follow up to that is a mouse and a foldable or super compact keyboard. I guess that’s what I should wish for next Christmas. Seriously, is it just me or does PC gaming should become a bit more mobile? Even just the desktop tower, it would be pretty neat to play wherever I go. In my head, I think it just needs to be in a small box containing nothing more than a power supply, hard drive, graphics card and the smallest motherboard with one of each video, a few USB, ethernet, audio, 2 PCI connectors. I may have described something already available but I would like something to be built towards playing desktop games than being a multimedia centre. Meaning higher processing power and the modular chipset so I can replace particular parts or adding parts. Get on it, PC manufacturers!

Though a possible compromise would be somehow to turn a briefcase to into a desktop. There is a few downsides to that idea but it would maintain the idea of a powerful mobile PC. The only downside I can see is if you leave it somewhere unattended, it may scare some people since people see bombs in movies as being hidden in a briefcase. In these days, I think people would rather fear for the worse. Regardless, still want to see a PC equivalent of the console. I’m really hung up on this because I miss playing my games for fun than just keeping up with daily grinding.

On a lighter note, this blog is now officially a few years old. That happened 23 days ago without much fanfare. I only noticed when WordPress.com sent me a notification. Surprisingly, it’s probably the third longest ongoing project in my life. The journey here is more or less a love/hate relationship. Days I never wanted to share my thoughts and the days I can write until my wrists and fingers go sore. In the last few years, I remind myself that this blog is about me and my ramblings. Not for sale for the highest bidder but a reflecting pool for myself and maybe for some of you. This blog is about the good times and the worst I can experience. For the highs and lulls and my small repository of wisdom and knowledge, hopefully it is how it reads. No matter how hard 2013 was for us and those who just subscribed, look back on it and think about how that changed you. Regardless of the pride or regret, the experience of every passing year is an opportunity for the future. Without your past, there is no future. Without an outlook for the future, the past means nothing. So for all of you, all +120, I would like to thank you for being on my journey. To think of it; if my blog is a commercial airplane, you would all be my passengers and I would be the captain and pilot. After a few years in service, I’m pretty happy I haven’t crashed it.

Until next year readers, happy new years!

Video games and me (Sounds like a pamphlet I once read…)

Of course my blog, I usually vent and release negative energy and stuff to the internet to get things off my chest. Most part just a therapeutic attempt to quit stressing out like crazy, which by the way kind of works. Sometimes serious and sometimes, I just want to get a dumb idea off my chest for the world to read it or understand it. Like that idea where you think a Star Trek pizzeria would work because people can order a “Galaxy class starship with extra disruptor damage and a box of tribbles”, one of many good bad ideas.

Speaking of good bad ideas, the meat of the matter. Most of you who read my old posts or follow (thanks you very much by the way), I have a problem. I’ve been trying to stop, but video games are way too damn fun. Every time I get on my computer at home, I just want to do something or play something that would just take me out of my life until I fall asleep. I spend a lot of time even though I try and phase out or push away from video games. Over the last 6 months, I’ve tried to get away from it and do other stuff. In time, I’m hopeful for being all less game-y.

I spend about 4-6 to plays video games which is very little compared to me being all super sad and the only way to get away from the sadness, I had to sit here for about 10 hours per day online killing, driving, questing something. For those who never had an addiction and want to know, well you have dropped in on the right post. I’m going to teach you (yes…you there!) how to become an addict. And I just noticed how wrong that sounds, but people should really know how bad life is and how society is and most of all how horrible the world is when you are screwed and want to escape.

So step one, go outside. This is optional, just anywhere the public will be like Amazon, Ebay or Facebook. Just anywhere you can see something, do something or become someone. So get a job, get a girlfriend or boyfriend depending on sexual attraction, eat, shop. Just anything. Now we establish this, step deux (two if you’re not French…I’m not French, but I know a bit of French).

Now you have gone outside, pick something you like. This is anything, seriously anything you like or want to do in terms of you love doing now. This is where we will be different in terms of activities. People smoke, people run around to make piles of money to roll around in it or people drink. Start this now, whatever it is. People who said masturbation or chose masturbation as a pleasurable endeavour for this exercise, you will find this will be pretty painful or you will feel super tired. Which case to the people who chose masturbation, you may want to pick something else or stay with it and receive any and all consequences.

Third step is the fun bit, keep doing the one thing as much as you. Even if you think you can’t pull it off, do it. Just go ahead and do it. If you think it, do it. Pretty much less than a paragraph to really explain it. For the most part, there aren’t any rules since fun is just fun. Ignore anyone and anything to do this one activity. Maybe take breaks for pee and food. No matter how had you have to write that exam, nope [insert activity here] is more important. It makes you happy and exams sucks a lot. Unless you want to try being a workaholic, which case why are you reading this? You have work to do.

And now that you’ve been all three, keep at it until you start realizing how you’re life is slowly running into ruin. In which case, keep going with your activity because the activity is better than life and do it more because you can always do it more. Even it turns out it becomes very boring, nope it’s still fun so keep going! Congratulations, you’re an addict.

I can hardly describe specifically how it feels in terms for having a game addiction but like that. It’s hard to get away from it because I’m just fighting that part of my mind that wants to be more dominate than the part where it should be regulating these wants and needs. It is a hard task but in time, I can binge and go cold turkey but it will take much more time to really get out of and all I have to do is find something to get me out of my room and my house and anything that would put me away from the activity. It’s either that or get a job revolving around it which is impossible because of certain mental complications.

Next time…ADHD…maybe…

Circumstance is a curse indeed…

Okay, not much to update. I have been back onto working on some private projects to improve my situation a bit. However this may become difficult once again since the gamer in me want to play video games. I know I am not the face of kicking addictions, but I’m trying. Every day is just a bit less until I can be independent. Aside from that, these games are really kicking my butt in terms of time killed. Like I literally slept through a whole day and I have to do thing in about a few hours. Aside from updating my blog, I still have to keep to appointments. Having things electonic doesn’t help when my computer is built as a outlet for gaming. Nice and all to have thing automated, but I really have trouble with my computer. So thus why my blog posts all originate from my Playbook, errors and all.

For my desktop, I am slowly repurposing the whole rig. For one thing, I need to think of it as reference material. Something I can use for information. I have to do this often as a reminder. Sure I will play games, but I want to spend less time sitting in Battlefield 3 and more on TED or Wikipedia (you get what I am trying to say.) I just have to find enough content to keep me busy.

For myself, spring is here. This means sunny days, means warm weather, means good time to exercise. I have everything set, running gear is set and ready. Now just have to wait for the temperature to get around 15 Celsius with sun or partial clouds; overcast is good if there isn’t a chance to rain. Have to partake in some PT before my mind convinces me otherwise. Still a me versus self versus time deathmatch, legit one life stuff here.

Though recently I’ve been pondering on my old post about the energy currency infrastructure idea. More I consider it, seems more plausible to work in society. Though if history says anything about replacing old systems, it isn’t going to be easy. One thing is the capitalism institution, it is huge and older than all of us. To replace money for energy may be hard because of it. Then the counterpoint would be we need energy, be it thermal or electric. Society has a large need for power and the whole enviro-thinking boosted sales and development of solar and wind. Some even report selling surplus energy back. Money figuratively is just a thing we use to trade for things we need making it more stable than bartering. Long story short, this idea has to be snuffed onto a post sometime soon; mental noted. I would have gotten down but…well, video games.

Well, time for the sleep I should’ve gotten tonight now. From five in the morning, good morning world and sweet dreams.

Posted from WordPress via Blackberry Playbook. Yeah, I’m too lazy to touch my computer…

Game brain – Almighty gift and addictive curse

As I’m writing this, I can’t stop getting Minecraft out of my head. It’s just so tempting to hit that link and just dive in for a full day in a hole digging and and mining. Its the pure randomness of finding mineral deposits I think attracts me. Maybe the fact that I want to breed farm animals like a mad scientist but eat them like a carnivore. It’s not the first time I’ve been addicted to a game. I’ll admit, it’s beyond the 10th time I’ve been addicted. Wish it wasn’t like that, but it’s one of the unstoppable urges to hit the next level or get the next kill (In this case, break the next block.)

This “game brain” of mine wouldn’t necessarily be a blessing or a bane. Considering every perspective, I can surely say any pro to playing video games is a meatspace con. Sure, I might not represent the 99% of male Dorito FPS-ers; I don’t think we’re even that high (Let that phrase settle and you’ll get it, hehe.) I may be obsessed on one thing on the game industry or my knowledge as a gamer and a consumer may give me an edge over any outsider, but there are yet so many things that could really have turned out horribly. Rather than rambling on my acceptance to my problem, I’ll give you the summary of it’s “perks” of having game brain.

#1

Pro: Hand eye coordination

How: Killing noobs and being situational aware of a virtual battlespace.

Con: Not applicable in playing sports

#2

Pro: Next-gen graphics at the ready for immersion, f*** life!

How: Play/buy/pirate/steal games

Con: Eyes will have a slight burning and tingling sensation after 6 hours. Your character won’t feel it though.

#3

Pro: Team player, leadership skill improves

How: Strategic gameplay and teamwork in your games. Thanks Project Reality!

Con: Time based learning, like school but with super wicked cool graphics…and you only learn about leadership.

#4

Pro: Knowledge of games and how they work

How: Servicing your own computer and troubleshoot your own problems. Also learning what you can about the game in question.

Con: You will gain some unneeded “vitamin D”. In this case, “D” for douchebag.

#5

Pro: Make split second decisions

How: To shoot or not to shoot? That is the hypothetical question. Tap once to check, tap again to kill.

Con: You might develop some ADHD from within, have fun with that one.

#6

Pro: Euphoria. Like getting high, but from dopamine triggered from one of the five kinds of fun (Try and guess the other four.)

How: Play a game, get dopamine to your brain. Just a science thing, or is it a psychological thing?

Con: Play about 10 hours of games before 2 am and try making a choice of Doritos in the aisle of your local supermarket. BBQ or Nacho Cheese? This might take an hour..or more…

#7

Pro: Fanaticism

How: Like it, love it, keep it, hate it, want it, need it; sound familiar?

Con: Fanaticism, more “vitamin D” for you! That and may lose respect with people who don’t share your views (Or you insult them on their fanaticism, you douche.)

#7

Pro: Make friends over the internet

How: Community building, join/make clans/guilds/squads/cabal and just being active in playing so everyone knows your names (Just like in Cheers, but being a guy named Norman…you might get the whole “are you serious?” interrogation treatment.)

Con: Lose friends over the meatspace

#8

Pro: Feel superior in every video game aspect to be a self-renowned “pro”

How: Kill noobs without dying too much, play for long hours, be all you can be in your game…be the medic (Don’t understand?)

Con: Hallmark just released the new V-card to express your loneliness for all occasions…

#9

Pro: Fun! Just calm down and relax…like a bookworm, but it involves a chair

How: Play a game you like and watch the hours go by with every moment.

Con: Addiction! You thought smokers were disgusting…

#10

Pro: Ideas…games and life regardless.

How: Like getting totally baked and talking about how we’re all connected in a inter-dimensional neural network interlinked to the universe which communicates with us constantly but we choose to ignore it for the pursue of capitalistic ideals of a free society which is deprecating the social structure of liberties for capital gain to create a New World Order consisting of oil companies and large corporate conglomerates to control the minds of the people in coerced consumerism and suppress modern man to mere mortal slaves to multimillion advertisement laced with subliminal messages and perspective of sexuality above natural selection to produce the next generation without the proper thought process to communicate on an intellectual level to notice corporate American taking over the world and be forged by the corporate motive to collapse government and – wait, what?

Con: No one is listening…I bet you skimmed the How section above, see? I told you so.

So in a way, I have to balance a balance already balanced. Tough job especially when dealing with an equilibrium within an equilibrium.

I appreciate input as usually, leave a comment. Until next week!

CNET: My new TV/Radio/Nerd-Porn (And some tech talk)

My previous post, I mentioned The 404 podcast from CNET.com. Well after a full day of just surfing around one website (almost non stop…I had to pee), I think I found the website I really like and really worth coming back to time and time again. I’ve known CNET for about 8 years, just been using their sister site download.com for my freeware and stuff. So this is a pretty big deal to me considering all this time I found it pretty bored to suddenly find it interesting. From how-to’s and reviews to get my geek on, I found it something I found interesting out of my habitual habits of online browsing.

So kind of my goal for the next month or so is to watch or listen every episode of The 404 until the very recent ones. As of now I’m up to about episode 60 of almost 900 episodes. It’s a long ladder to climb, but I think I wouldn’t regret it. Sure it’s very boring after awhile but it’s great to hear opinions about shows, games and tech I own.

Which reminds me to find a copy of Linux. I’m looking in replacing Windows XP after all reliable support for it is over. It’s a brand new territory to explore and maybe need. I might want to jump the USS Microsoft and hop onto the penguin boat. I’m not too sure which distribution I would really have on board as a back up. I’m not really to go all in just yet, I just want an image in case I need it or just play around with it. I would like something user friendly but also technical in case I need to change certain specific settings. Something that can run Windows programs and lots of accessible customizable settings to personalize. Small but loaded with stuff (no random software, just the operating system). Any recommendations, please drop a comment, give me your take on it and a link to to their website so I can read more.

I might try and get Windows 7 once it drops off to around the under $80. I still have about 3 years (April 2014) until support ends, so I have awhile but I should prepare to put it aside and upgrade. I would have my own operating system, but I don’t have the skill or attention span to really study and implement code to make an operating system. So it’s a major thing I should really get started on besides getting a job. I still need that and I’m talking about a real job either around computers or anything out of the public eye. I have a thing for magazine and I think I would be pretty good, but I think I would want to do something else but write articles. But that’s another time, another place.

Right now, I use my external hard drive for backing up data I need to keep for convenience and security reasons. And it only consumes about 5% of the whole drive, so I’m pretty much stuck with over 70 GB of space and I need ideas or programs or stuff I can do to add to it. I got some of my shows shaved there, I’ve used it as a temp cache for video editing. The video editing is insane since it takes up the whole drive for about 30 minutes of footage (using Fraps). Besides raw HD .avi  videos and back up storage, I have nothing else set for this thing. If there was a offline/LAN/MMO zombie co-op or something, I would definitely would save it there. However, that’s not going to happen or ever going to happen (you have a lifetime to disprove that). Oh, I forgot to fully mention what I have as that external hard drive, here’s some info:

-Maxtor DiamondMax IDE 85GB (off warranty and salvaged)

-Eagle IDE to USB 2.0 3.5 External Storage System (got it from Canada Computers)

-HP 1.8m USB cable, type A to B with gold plated connectors (the one Eagle had was pretty short so I kind of upgraded)

I know the IDE’s are going out. I didn’t really have much of an option (accidently threw away the receipt, I’m an idiot). So once this drive blows, I’m going to just have a case. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find another IDE; if I had found a SATA drive, I would internally install it into my system (…maybe). Though I would like an external in case I want to carry a hard drive to transfer stuff to another computer that’s over 7GB. So I hope my 22 bucks would be worth it in the long run.

Until next week reader, have a nice week!

Like a sugar high, it went craassshhhing down!

Hey everyone, it’s me again. How are we doing? I’m doing pretty good. Still hanging, but it’s kind of bumpy as of recently. But I really do miss blogging from time to time. I mean, once a week doesn’t seem to benefit me in terms of relief of the chest area region. Probably should remove that weight off there just to breath easier? Yeah, not even a paragraph in and I’m already off topic. Attention span is none today it seems. I guess staying the course would help me more than getting up and considering what I should let go.

Over the last few days, my head seems to hit a dark cloud of emotion. It’s so unusual since my mental state has levelled off because of the prescription, but now I’m kind of in that place that I don’t want to go back to but it feels like a place I shouldn’t leave. Mood is somewhat like a satisfied state like I completed something to validate my self worth, but I also feel like whatever I did makes me a pathetic nobody to walk the Earth (and this is even when I’m not doing anything). Like I would open my mouth then regret everything I said and did. Though the last few days got me into writing poetry and a small film idea. However only one shall pass, poetry. I think I’m averaging two small poems every session. I’ve been reading some of my old stuff and it was very good at times.What happened? Did I die somewhere and this is my afterlife? If so, I would be freaked out and wanting to get out of purgatory. That’s where I think I would good if anything existed in terms of a spiritual afterlife. Not really bad or good, not very rewarding or punishing; it’s the place where you spend your afterlife in limbo. So this is slowly picking up pace. I’m getting some neurons firing and before long, a short story will appear. Speaking of writing, something interesting is about to go down. For the second time in my life, my pen’s going to run out of ink. Some reason when that happens, I get excited since I usually lose it or lend it to someone and never see it again. So yeah, pretty stoked for something so small.

I think the biggest change is the vitamins I bought because now my body metabolises the pills like nothing so I get a normal feeling and then crash quickly right after and feel all dull and boring. Though after awhile it kind of balances out a bit. My general mood seems to be a bit better than I was in high school. I’m not going to beat this, it would be impossible. However coping is as close as I would get though, but it’s hard to really run from this. I’ve tried, doesn’t work. Though I think my sister still denying that I really have a problem, I regret telling her. By about my medication, the worst part is the day between my intakes like today. Like I just don’t feel so good getting out of bed and the day after I just don’t get up. Probably on top of my insomnia and video games wouldn’t help my situation. I should cut back; video games, food and everything else that gives me a euphoric feel.

Well, time to hit the hay at lunch again. Later, WordPress!

Long nights and tortilla chips

Been like fives days since my last blog post. Though I would give you a “wassup world” while I’m kicking back listening to music. Looks like I’m having a partial relapse; okay, maybe a definite a relapse after a month. But I’m really trying to cope. I’m mostly just reading than playing video games. The last five days has been a blur except remember all the times my computer froze playing Grand Theft Auto IV. I have some sort of obsession to violence, any gamer would really have that obsession I think. Plus side, I’m starting to function by mood. How’s that good? Based on psychological and social interactions, I can easily guess when I have a really good mood and bad mood. Praise pills and vitamins, the best combination in my life that’s working well than anything else. Right now, I say I’m borderlining on a good since I took them awhile ago, like seven in the morning so I should be fine. Now I’m once on every other day and I usually have a good mood on those days. I still take them and have a bad mood but I keep the bad stuff from happening, which helps a lot more than anything right now. I’m not feeling randomly angry or  haphazardly happy so I’m kind of over that. 

I didn’t watch the Superbowl last night, though from other people’s forum posts and Facebook statuses, it makes me feel a bit fortunate I didn’t watch it. I was never a sports buff anyways. I pretty much was for a full two hours just deeply interested into causing fist fights in GTA to really care, And wasting hours upon hours on making bets on the LC Cage Fighting Minigame, which is awesome in making a lot of money. I think within an hour I made about 2-5 million in games dollars from just holding down the W key to max out the bet. I never bet agains the guy with the “Muscles” shirt; except that one time when it was a office stiff against an E. Honda-looking chef; in that case, chef all the way. So I pretty much watched that and ate a couple bags of chips as I did. Though at my age, I should really stop being that teen I always was; it’s just not that healthy.

Besides from that, my week was pretty eventful. I came around to watching all my documentaries I wanted to watch. Most of them where released by The Passionate Eye and Doc Zone from the CBC. I learned a lot; some of it was interesting, some were a bit concerning. If I could walk away from it all with a few learned lessons, here’s some:

  • Apparently human males are going sterile
  • Shoplifting is prominent
  • On top of contaminated fish, food security is more critical that I thought. Apparently, we’re already screwed in terms of who’s getting what for dinner.
  • It’s really random where donor children end up.
  • Some journalists get ballsy in reporting the news. If anything they should have a “BAMF Award for Journalism”.
    • Humanity has an addiction problem, who knew it would only take an EMP to destroy the world. Don’t fear the nuke, the EMP would get us good.

                                                                      Learning is much more fun out of the class, kiddies. I can guarantee that; except math, it’s always math no matter how you look at it.

                                                                      But yeah, about 10-20 documentaries of an hour each with commercials (Damn you online ads; hate you with a grudge).  About 5 a day with 2 breaks to eat, pee and sleep. I should really job hunt. Somewhat hard when society bigots those without a “skill set”. I do have skills, just not the skills society would not justify as skills. Oh well, shoot through the fog and hope for the best.  My dark cryptic poetry and lame lyrics are the only things I could really achieve. I doubt I can make a profit on it since everyone wants to be all chirpy and happy and stuff in that range of human emotion. Can’t blame them.

                                                                      I’m so stoked this weekend, I’m going to try to surprise a lucky girl. She’s lucky because she’s my girlfriend; or am I the lucky one? Anyways surprise is ruined if she read this. In that case, it’s something  for her. By the way, yes she reads my blog. HEY JEN! Now the world knows, yeah…yeah…I’m that awesome…

                                                                      So that’s what has occurred since my last and now. I’m trying to focus on sleeping before 12 am but it’s proving the challenge. Like I said, shoot the fog and hope. 2 out of 7 isn’t that bad considering my streak last week which was like 5 of 7. I woke up at 6 and I’m already tired so I might relapse to my old sleeping habits.

                                                                      Anyways, survive a day. Have a marginally good Monday, bloggers and readers. Any tips of not going into a relapse or any words of wisdom, you know the drill. Peace out!

                                                                      Day 18 & 19: Sleep, snow and cereal.

                                                                      Second last update on my progress to beat video games. First off, yeasterday involved hours of sleep and eating cereal. Not much just sat around, ate, slept, pooped, slept and showered (did I mention slept?). It’s been mostly an uphill battle, I’ve been getting a on and off craving since day 10 or so and usually when the cravings come I try and sleep it off. Looks like fighting with myself is pretty hard considering the last two days seem very ominous that my mind wants to go down with a fight on this.

                                                                      So today’s going to be nice and easy. My sister invited me over for dinner, but I’m not too sure if I should go. It just snowed last night so it’s bound to be a bit chilly. All day I’ve been just watching T.V. and eating bowl after bowl of cereal. I guess I might, I have to get out of the house and away from my computer.

                                                                      Well, 19 down and 2 to go. I’m doing pretty good besides all the headaches and sadness. I’m going to see if my sister planned anything for that dinner. Until monday, have a nice weekend!

                                                                      Growing lyrics and writing up

                                                                      Remember a few days back I said I would write some poems? Well I spent the time and some deep emotional thinking to pull a few of these verses. I’m not like what I use to be. I could write 4-5 poems a week. Now it’s like one or two a month; and they’re not the best work I can really bring, but I tried. Though it’s kind of weird that I can write something this great when I fall for my dark side. Anyways poem on the bottom of this blog so enjoy!

                                                                      Also I’m starting to file my tax returns. I really not like doing it since it gives me a splitting headache and I don’t have the attention span for it. Though it does make me think of having to another job. It really sucks to be unemployed for three years and running. But something about the job I’m eyeing for makes me want to wait and jump at the right moment. That reminds me, I have to keep my application for at the ready.

                                                                      Of course, I haven’t forgotten the remaining 4 days. I’m feeling kind of good that I’ve pulled through this. Though I don’t want to give my hopes up, but I do think I’ll make it. All the feelings and cravings ceased, I still have an appetite like a gluttonous king. Just for more days, I guess I should make sure all those cravings go away right after or wait. I don’t know if this is going to be for real, but I hope it won’t ruin my life a second time around.

                                                                      That’s it for now, poem’s right here…

                                                                      She wore those blue jeans
                                                                      And her blonde hair
                                                                      With Straight A’s
                                                                      And a smile so fair

                                                                      She would hold you when you cry
                                                                      Telling you it’s fine
                                                                      Friend to everyone
                                                                      You knew and and smitten

                                                                      Under her pants
                                                                      Within her head of hair
                                                                      Thinking of razors
                                                                      A cut to cover
                                                                      No shoulder for her
                                                                      Inferior, outcast, lost and damned
                                                                      No one’s a friend
                                                                      But more of her enemies