Continues from here.
On the off time, I downloaded some apps to help my pills through the infinite sadness. I first downloaded Calm, but being poked and prodded for a premium subscription, I decided to download Pacifica. Both are depression and anxiety apps, the later more geared towards recording my mental well being daily and giving me a communal support group. At first I was hesitant about Pacifica, I can say it’s growing on me. I like the guided meditation and the interface. Though the private groups users created are hidden away but the public spaces there are very helpful. Reading about all the good things happening to people and then trying to help others, I feel so comfortable in that space.
When I was halfway through my time there, I finally decided to go home to pick up one more thing I should’ve brought with me while I was up there. My camera, how much I missed it. The next weekend I had I woke up early to catch the sunrise and went on a walking excursion.
Start from here.
It was absolutely slow knowing I’d be away for so long without my desktop. Luckily I didn’t bring a laptop, otherwise I was be stuck without internet. All I had was my phone and MP3 player to keep me company when I’m not working. Well…I did have a TV provided to me, a small plus since I could watch Star Trek Discovery and all the TV shows I usually download. I’m still one of those holdouts who pirate instead of streaming things on Netflix and the like.
I did however had the opportunity to go to Tim Horton’s or the mall to use the wi-fi there but I could never stay long enough to download something. When I did go, I would catch up with YouTube. When I wasn’t mooching, I just used my data to look things up or check Facebook and Instagram. Speaking of which, I did spend a lot of data and if you’re not from Canada, you could not feel how crippling going 8GB over your plan can be. Honestly it’s a small price to pay to stay sane.
I always had trouble sleeping when living in a new place. Even if it’s just for a couple nights in a motel. The first couple weeks I was struggling to sleep normally that after work I would just crash for a couple hours before dinner. After I had my belly filled, I would crash another couple hours in from of my TV. Waiting – waiting for the night to be morning.
Hey everyone, kind of missed posting here. About a month ago, I was called to work and pretty much stayed there until I was done. I’ve been far away from home and now I feel settled in to tell you all the stuff that has happened since.
After reading through all the things I’ve jotted down for this lone post, I think it’s best to break it up in parts.
Sorry for teasing you. Hope the keywords don’t spoil anything.
The last day. I feel around this time is appropriate to reflect and plan ahead for a new year.
Things yet finished, ideas yet conceived. Thus far I think the major thing that will keep me going is my hobby, photography. At the same time as much as I want to share it with the world, I would want to make an income of it. However I would be wary doing event photography or anything interpersonal. Last time I did such a thing, I war met with hostility. So prints would be an unfortunate fate if I would endure.
The hardest part about this will being figuring out how to really start it, I mean seriously starting a small business and hopefully turn a pyrrhic profit. Hopefully marginal to recover any losses. I’ve been trying my best to get it together. I’ve talked to entrepreneurial agencies, did research, asked questions. I’ve yet to reap the fruits of my labour. I am hoping though, eventually sell prints and make a small amount money. No promises though.
Even then, there is so much I still want to do before I grow into old age. I feel I’ve lived half my year in a shadow I’ve capitulated many years ago. I still don’t know how to win over it as an aging adult. While I can still feel my fingers and see fairly clearly without aid:
- Learn to solder. Then repair and build my own devices.
- Rock climb. I can dream but I want to at least do that once.
- Travel once more this year. Might start it as a tradition. Visit outside my comfort zone.
- Take up drone photography or try FPV drone things.
- Try full frame photography. Long shot since cameras are expensive but I’d give it a go to see the difference for myself.
- Try some new places to eat. I’ve tried before, I want to do it more.
- Probably exercise more. I’ve been too relaxed on it but I think I’m coming in late on maintaining a healthier lifestyle. I should’ve started earlier but I didn’t necessarily have the money at the time.
- Go on a battlefield tour in Europe. Ambitious but I could start saving up.
That’s where I stand and where I start. Hopefully you all had a better 2018. For 2019 as much as the world keeps burning, let’s not forget about others and ourselves.
Happy new years!
It’s getting close to the end of this year. As I’m writing this, I have hardly slept and spent a few nights laying in bed wondering and thinking to myself. I have slowed down in writing my thoughts in my blog in this latter half because I haven’t been too well since my doctor passed away. I am still hoping I will get the help I need before it’s too late. I just have to practice and find a balance to everything which I hope can help me away from my malaise.
I haven’t picked up my camera in the past month. Starting to feel bad about it since I haven’t taken a lot of photos. Looking through it’s viewfinder, I miss how it feels and the joy it use to make me feel. Perhaps around Christmas or after Boxing Day I’ll take up photography again. The most difficult part right now is keeping up with work.
Getting a seasonal gig with my former employer is great, despite all the pain I went through last year. I hope eventually it will turn into a part time job considering the first time I felt fairly qualified to work more than a sales associate, assistant manager perhaps? Regardless I’m glad and I get to see all the people I’ve met before, though I have forgotten most of their names.
As what I hope to be the second last post of the year I guess I should try and make a list of all I have accomplished this year. As per my doctor’s last recommendation, I’m starting to look into a lot of cognitive therapy to cope. So…accomplishments:
- Went to Niagara Falls for the first time In January it’s still beautiful despite the cold, icy, wet weather. I wish I spent more time.
- Surpassed 300 photos on 500px. Also surpassed 10, 000 shots on my first DSLR camera.
- Bought a new laptop. For now I have two but eventually I will have one once I feel comfortable enough to part this old thing I found in the trash. You have served me well.
- New toys! Bought two used lenses, one (almost) brand new lens, and a used camera body. Overall I paid market price after having them professionally cleaned.
- More recent, started to look into sleep meditation and actively managing my depression. The ADHD behaviors I can accept but the feeling sad stuff needs a lot of attention.
- Enjoyed a long lost hobby, reading! I’m nowhere near attentive for novels but I’ll accept a good narrative after playing Life is Strange and Life is Strange: Before the Storm. Which reminds me, I should preorder the comic book.
- Finished Fallout 4. Now I can move on to other games. Hopefully that gaming list shrinks quickly.
- Paramore!! Second time I saw them live. Still great but I connected more with their previous album.
- Getting on the dating scene? A bit embarrassing but I can own up to it. Been on way more dates than the last 4 years combined. No winners…yet.
- A year without Star Trek Online. I haven’t logged in for so long. I think I can finally move on since the Kelvin timeline and Discovery kind of gave me a sour taste for it.
- Nuit Blanche art event. Spent the entire night checking out all the arts and culture. Last year was way too political. Still very crowded if not worse.
- Bought CD’s. An old medium but once I get a portable disc player, I’m going to have fun.
- I got Instagram to share some photos.
- I got business cards, I wish I could add my Instagram on them. They came first.
Still more to come in the last few weeks. My plans are to buy the SNES Classic and maybe the NES. I’m thinking of another Niagara trip either Niagara-On-The-Lake or somewhere small. I still want to snap photos and hopefully punch through to 400 on 500px. Lastly…
…I want to write my final post for the year. Stay tuned!
How would you be in ten years? I the phantasm of my own yester years, am I just a reflection of an alteration of my previous self?
Though eloquent than “what the hell is wrong with me?” when it comes to see to past. The passing day I grow angry or sad because I think my old social media is slowly destroying me. In the past few years, a couple people I knew got married. Lucky them but the worst of all that is they’re my age. They’ve done so much while I sat here in the corner of the globe to watch boats and stare at ceilings. As much as I struggle, these people are finding themselves and each other. They’ve settled. While here I am irrepressible and depressed, like something is either wrong with me or it’s all a hateful game. Travelled the world, create a masterpiece, fall and stay in love. I’m the damned who could just achieve just one of these.
So one more of my Facebook friends (not my real friends) finally getting married. “Good for her” while secretly I wish I could find someone special like her. Why do I bother to get up if I can’t succeed at anything besides breathing? I just wish I could stare into that mirror and see a better self so I can have something to fight for than staring back the wishing face.
Social media isn’t good for me for sure, especially if I have “friends” sharing their intimate moments. I can’t let go but at the same time, I do.
Curse this modern age.
Remember when we were kids in school and they asked us what do you think you would be in 10 years? Still the same now as I was a decade ago and probably a decade out, secretly miserable and absently alone.
No surprise I’ve been updating this blog more infrequently. Not to dull you with all the goings on with my life. At the same time, I’ve come a long way from being absolutely professional here to being just me.
It’s another year living on this earth though. I did all I can do before work summoned me for the weekend. I went out and got myself a couple presents, sounds pathetic but I thought I would make the week special. So I got myself a bit more money for Steam, Life Is Strange 2 hopefully by Christmas.
Then after the end of the weekend, I had an opportunity to meet a lovely young woman. No surprise my life has been a bit empty, been kind of seeking companionship outside the regular places I meet people. Perhaps a bit more, the troubling part is I’m just too different or weird (or awkward) for most women. Nonetheless keep trying until someone just as like minded as me comes along. The best to hope for is soon. Though it was nice to meet someone and talk a bit ourselves on an autumn afternoon. At least now I feel I don’t have to hide this part of my life especially it’s a dull and uneventful one. Admittance is part of acceptance (I guess).
On the upside, I have now repaired my Canon T6i. Though according to the invoice it was just a clean. Clean no doubt but I regret not buying a new T6i since after all I paid for was just as justified for a new one. Perhaps even a used one with more of the equipment like a charger. Police auction is not the best way to acquired used goods. I have to get out and shoot and experiment with this camera though beside from that one time I took it to a bar with live music.
As I write this, there is a part of my heart feels empty. I just to press myself into activity and hope I find what I’m looking for, just take the shots I need and hopefully one will be that beautiful moment. For now, I just feel slow and bogged down.