For those who never had that friend or has (and hopefully) never encountered depression. I personally have been up and down, now I want to give you some idea how it is to live with it.
People ask “How are you?” but never gain the curiosity to ask “What is it like?” If you have ever been afraid to ask here’s how I can say about it. Depression is…
- waking up and feeling like the world just doesn’t like you. Activity exercise to really put you in the mind set, you know how people tell you to say good things out loud to yourself in the mirror? Do the opposite.
- when someone attractive looks at you, you just feel too ugly for that person. The “you’re gorgeous but I know I’m never going to be good enough for you” attitude instantly sinks in.
- being exhausted. Constantly. You get up after a full night’s sleep, tired. Brushing your teeth, tired. Sitting in class, tired.
- hearing “good job” from someone but internally you hear “you aren’t good enough and this is just a passive aggressive way to let you know you’re worthless and anyone can do a better job than you”.
- constantly fighting the inner voice. The negative things just pushing you back into bed and forcing you to hide everything from everyone.
- weakness, the feeling and afraid of people knowing it. You do everything even if it hurts to seek approval because of #4.
- when you reflect on your achievements but you realize it’s nothing compared to other people’s achievements.
- thinking about what is best described as “Call of the Void”. Fascination of suicide to think about how to harm yourself or others. Though I would like to add perhaps the thoughts of what lies beyond your own death.
- self deprecating every interaction. Luckily I’m shy so I can suppress those comments but I occasionally let one slip.
- making a list and throwing it away. Nothing achieved for a non-achiever like yourself.
- after hurting, you poke where it hurts just a feel the the pain a bit.
- the manifestation of all your parents shame for you. Try doing the simplest things and having a nagging voice whispering you can’t do it.
- loneliness. Being trapped inside and hearing the world but the world cannot hear you.
It’s the best I can put it. But I hope it makes you think about the mind of someone depressed and maybe ways to help someone suffering. And those suffering, know you’re not alone.