Day 6 – Fears
November 9, 2015
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Fears; everyone has fears. Those indomitable thoughts which make life almost impassable. We spend out lives to avoid and run, yet they pursue and catch us to only challenge us. We all have something to run from, we may not know where we run to but we only know is running away from these fears.
Some people say there are fears which are illogical while some may seem reasonable to be fearful. As much as I want to overcome some of my fears, there are just I can’t or will never get over.
When I was a kid, I went to this place which felt like a castle. It was not far from my house and there they had an event going. When my parents stopped in this atrium, all I can remember from that experience was this clown that approach me and tried to do their clown thing. Ever to this day, I have trouble being entertained by clowns. Something about that white face and exaggerated smile does not sit right in my mind. It doesn’t make my hair stand on end, but I think the very experience ruined clowns for me.
To sum up what I am going to say next, I am afraid of myself. Sometimes I can be abiding while there are days I feel like a loose cannon. Then there are days I feel like the smallest thing can tear me apart. The biggest fear I have is failure. Growing up to be told that success is all that matter, the stress never really left me. Every day I am reminded I am a failure, I am bound to fail, I will not achieve anything in my life. Hard part as I said before, how can run away from myself? How can escape these thoughts when every day I am told I cannot do this or that because I’m not good enough. In the end, I am still unworthy and a failure. If death came for me tomorrow, I would be more worried for what I have done to deserve an untimely death. Did my life mean something to the end or am I just a pawn on a large chess board? My biggest fear is I failed. I failed to do what it takes to succeed. I can try and will try everything but I will never find it; whatever “it” will be. Even when people tell me I did good, I worry if there is an undertone of judgement. Could I have done it better? Was it good enough? With all the praise put forth my way, I would still question if I failed somewhere along the way.
Everyone’s scared of something. No matter if you do show it or how brave you might look, we are just a sum of our fears.