So already 4 days into this year, yet so far it’s been kind of disappointing considering all the circumstance I have put myself in through the past week. Though I must admit spending Christmas with people I care about was a joy, New Years was the complete polar opposite to that effect. Of course I knew I was going to be alone for new years until the end of the week, but it would’ve been a bit nice if I felt like I had a choice. I guess my life isn’t making choices but just playing it as a game regardless of the rules.
With all the things I never fixed in 2013, endurance is my unfortunate game. With all the things around me pushing me to the breaking point, I can definitely say I’m pretty much either going to bear down for this year or take the beating. My mantra of last year won’t help at all; as the Borg would say, “resistance is futile”. So reflecting back on my failures of 2013, I just only have two I really have to approve upon. First being my employment situation; bottom line, need a job. Minimum requirements for the job: something I can do, minimum wage, room to improve. Second primary objective will be my mental well being; which at the end of 2013, it was either “I hate my whole life” or “it all sucks but I don’t hate it”. That one’s going to be tougher than employment, sadly employment in my situation must come first. Even as revellers in Times Square rejoiced, I despised the whole lot of them; being with people they care about or people caring about them. Then like as it was previous years past, the few days public displays of affection is tolerated on TV. To be frank, I probably sat there drunk on New Years for the first so I really have no recollection of what really happened, said, or done. In a small way, I’m pretty gratified.
Either the 30 minutes of sleep is getting to me for the fact that I just had a terrible New Years, is what I feel like I should drag myself through the mud. To never see the light of day ever again, just buckle in and set myself up this year to just do what I can when I can. Sounds defeatist, but in a way I don’t want to lose what I’ve gained over the past couple years and what I’ve accomplished in 2013; despite the fact the list of accomplishments would be shorter than my buzz cut. Benefits always returns with consequences; whether it is love at the expensive of a broken heart, attention to be forgotten or an opinion well ignored. There are times I do feel like those moments where everything opposite happens and I can only hate myself for letting this happen. Seems to be I turned out to be my worse hater thanks in part from teacher and principals telling me “the only person to blame is yourself”. Once again ladies and gents, education has failed me again! Makes matters worse, I feel uneasy with some grey ideas; in this instance, not blaming anyone. Someone started it, ignoring it would only instigate more instances. That would be like you knowing the murderer but you can’t blame the murderer for murder and you can’t blame yourself for letting the murder happen. Point being; born and raised to only blame myself, definitely born and raised to self-loathe and have a low or negative self-esteem. Maybe it’s something worth seeing a psychiatrist about when I come around to it; probably a psychologist (if my health care can cover it).
Personal issues aside, I am professionally not doing so well; mainly the profession portion. I spend the last year going through applications upon applications with no responses. Though I had one job for a month, it wasn’t really worth my time; humbling as it was, it was dead-end. Any advancement would be if I could drive a truck or work in a colder environment. This year, probably have the same amount of luck; lots of outgoing resumes with no response. “How hard is it to find a job?” With my history, apparently shockingly tough. Can’t even get an unpaid internship and yes, I have tried. Which is the little strangeness about the society I live in; once you get a job, you’re pretty much locked in until your piece of paper is worth more than your life or you spent most of your time proving that expensive piece of paper was worth your time. Either of those points gets you into legalized slave labour – I mean, unpaid internships; or they land you into a job which you spend the next decade paying off as well as have social pressures to buy a house and/or a car then to have a family to later be able to retire early. If that doesn’t float your boat and you happen to be in my situation, get damn lucky at a dead end job where work conditions are borderline illegal and you make enough to afford one a day and pay for other things or 2 meals but you get no money on anything else. If anything, I think employers should set their standards low. If the job can be done by anyone, hire anyone. Sell clothes? Hire anyone. Do basic math? Hire anyone. Move stuff? Hire anybody! The only time you really need someone who knows something complex is if it needs to be fixed or designed, examples being a body part, engine component, or a computer. End of the day, it’s likely people with less qualifications to get more jobs and higher education actually plays a role in teaching something worthwhile. Never will it happen so I’m stuck sending out resumes in hopes of my qualifications is enough to help you sell you some damn food.
Until next time; welcome to 2014 – the year where fun ends.