May 11, 2012
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Recently, it’s been kind of rocky in terms of the high and lows that lulled for such a long time. When it came straight back with a vengeance, it was literally pre-emptive. I slept in (no surprise), I do try and sleep regularly and it is definitely working but this small relapse brought a slap into my face. I just felt a spark to wake me and just the sudden feeling of dread and sadness. It really felt like that for the rest of the night, for the last hours of Thursday.
Not quite sure sleep was eluding me of I to it, but I did my best with the five hours before waking up and starting this blog entry. Though I do feel quite insecure about my anxiety, if anything I do what I must to contain the whole sudden stress imparted to my system. It’s not as bad as anymore and I am getting better. I’ve been saying that, but I could climb out the hole I fell in two plus years ago. I just have to grab and pull myself out of the situation I’ve put myself in.
This week was going to be a big week, but now from big to bust. But I can definitely recover it by just having everything set up and ready to go next week, I need sleep and a schedule. I asked my doc to back off on the pharmaceutical regimen to get clean and independent from it. I’m hoping I get out of this, I can start to come back to my old life a bit more normal. I do have reservations, willpower is one thing. I’ve been drained from just fighting myself, I’m not licked yet. I’m going to stay on target no matter how deviated the trajectory. With the drug crutch shortening, I have until the end of summer to fix everything up and be ready to deal with more reality. Video games, medication and procrastination; must be less to none. Pushing it back to likely two hours and be completely controllable. It is controllable now, but I’m still having trouble keeping time. Lot of progress on that front, I am going keep rolling on it. I’m really optimistic compared to what I was when I started reaching out and fixing my own issues.
Between the three, video games is the one big thing that’s really kicking me down. It leads to procrastination, it’s the “two birds one stone” of my list of vengeful destruction. Hardest to separate myself from Battlefield, Fallen Earth and Star Trek Online; I think I’ve settled into a good rut of video games I can enjoy for a good amount of time.