nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

Trailblazer

Over the past month, it has been a moments of up and down. There were days I felt demoralized and alone. And there were moments I felt calm and better than I was the moments before. As Christmas approaches, I feel a sense of mental fortitude should be necessary for the holidays.

Over the past decade, my body went through highs and lows. Not only the physical but the mental drive I had was slowed and then rebuilt. The toughest part about it was going at it alone. The hardships one can endure alone is the most difficult to overcome. The way I see it, loneliness in times of need is the bedrock bottom of any hole anyone digs for themselves. In the past year like many years in the past decade, I felt like I dug myself into such a hole while trying to climb out the darkness I’ve sent myself. Recently I feel I stopped digging.

With a job with me and hoping for more coming my way, I feel things are going upwards and outwards. Here staring at my ceiling, I reminded myself about the words that helped me through so much and has taught me to never give up. Find purpose. You see after struggling through so much in high school, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of myself. I never found a niche, never found what I truly wanted to do, I never found what I really wanted most for myself personally and professionally. Perhaps I never was meant to find something specific and maybe I was meant for more than an accountant, a technician or a labourer of sorts. Unlike video games, we aren’t given a difficulty selection; we play the game as it is whether it is easy or hard. There will be days when you can drift by like you can sit down and relax, then there will be days drawn out to where you want to drown it all out. Regardless, I have to play the game as it is on the knowledge and wisdom I’ve earned. I don’t know where this stage of my life will lead, but I will find my own way. Finding purpose to what I want to be maybe hard, then perhaps finding a purpose for the future is not my purpose. If I’m unsure what I want for the future, then maybe my purpose is here and right now. I should strive for something I want right in the moment and fight for it at this very moment.

I don’t mean getting food when I’m hungry or napping when I’m tired, but do something different and new. My life doesn’t seem to follow a path and it doesn’t have to as long as I can make my own. I’m getting old but I’m getting wiser with every experience I can expose myself towards and perhaps this is my purpose. Sure stumbling in the dark not knowing where to take a step is not what people feel comfortable with, but perhaps try. You will find yourself unafraid and a bit more confident in the dark. You will see something new, different, or see the dull things as interesting. Perhaps gain some respect and perspective on something you never thought yourself you could need, be or want. Finding purpose isn’t just a materialist or forward thinking idea, I think it’s more about being here in the present and exploring yourself and your surroundings. We should find some purpose in that and make our path.

Until next time, let’s be trailblazers together. Thanks for 3 extraordinary years on WordPress!

On Love

Falling in love – can be a difficult subject to talk about. There many who have written books and advice columns. In the end love; love is complex, love is immense, love is hard. Everyone has fallen in love; a crush, a lust, a romance. When it come to true love, it’s a different story.

I am not an expert, falling in love can almost be describe in innumerable ways. Many wrote it’s a fluttering of the heart and some say it is like time took pause for the very moment. For me falling in love was like nothing I experienced in my existence. It felt like delicate ice cream melting on the tongue yet it was much like like my heart grasped a big breath and held it. In my mind, I heard a voice call out; it told me how uncertain this future would bring. But then there was the small voice in my head that told me, “Go for it.” A small voice in a few of a thousand, telling me to take a risk. In the end, the risk was my own. No matter how I could rewind all the memories, those wisp past remind me regardless of the risks, I have gained and lost no matter what I chose. But when that first moment I felt my heart lighten and my mind clear for this commitment, all those feelings turned into a wave. Then I felt another and another; later I realized falling in love is more than the feeling you get.

I understand the connection I had with her is genuine, yet surreal. The beautiful thing about falling in love is you learn who you are as human being. More than how far you can push yourself physically or mentally; but how much you would want to do for love, be loved and what sort of love you want in your life. The irony for me is the love I want differs to a lot of people. It makes me wonder if I will ever find that love again.

Looking back on it now, falling in love is something indescribable. Not because there are no words to explain the moment when you do fall in love or the feeling; love is of many words and descriptions. If you read this to find something to describe love; there is only one – love.

Until next time if you want the answer what it is like to fall in love, go find it.

More Time

“I wish I had more time”, a phrase many have said and thought. As I said in my blog a couple weeks ago, you cannot go back in time nor can you get more time. Everyone lives with the same amount and it’s up to us to choose what we can do with the time we have. You can try and live healthy to for “more time” but in the end it’s just more time at the end.

Even if we measure it, time is perhaps the most precious thing in our lives next to our needs. We can reminisce about the past and hope for the future. The big question is how to spend the time we have now. People make choices based on what others expect them to be doing while some don’t have a slightest clue. Personally, I may not have the right answer but I do think I have something logical. When I think about my past, I mostly remember the good days I’ve spent, the good moments I’ve had. In my opinion, time should be spent on events that would make you feel good. When you look back on your life at the end, you have so much to remember. If there are a lot of good stories you can tell, you led a well fulfilled life. Regardless how you get these memories, this would be the best way to remember your own life; living happy.

If you need a starting point to find happiness, I would suggesting exploring yourself. Find the simplest things that can make you happy like go for a long hike, travel around your town or even just having a movie marathon. After just contemplate what you liked about the activity. We are so wired to pain and stress that we see the negatives all the time, but try and see the positives regardless.

So go ahead and fall in love, skydive and do all the crazy stuff you wanted to do. There is no better day than today.

Working Hard or Hardly Working

With a bit of employment coming my way, it’s making me starting to think if I am actually working or I’m working too hard. With ages of unemployment, this underemployment is making me re-evaluate a lot of things about how I view a job and work.

When I was young and recently, I never really seen money to be an issue. Living in the shadow of family, you grow up learning the kind of work you want for yourself. As a kid or a teen, you decide the kind of jobs you want to take on. You want to make money, enjoy work or have a light workload. Whatever the ideas you have in your head, they still mean something. Even if you find yourself in a lifeless position making minimum, there is some good to come from this. If can stick it out, you can tolerate more than you  with yourself and others. The harder you push yourself at something you did not want, you can push yourself to achieve something bigger. Know the bigger the problem will never yield the biggest reward, it’s a matter of definition of what you think is a “reward”.

To many and myself, money is a motivator. It keeps the lights on, your feet warm and a meal in front of you. You need it to pretty much to survive on this planet until everything collapses and we go back to hunting and gathering. You should be proactive in securing every possibility to earn everything you can. Whether it is making money from the government or picking up more work at your workplace, do what you can to make money. You are young and in these times, desperation is something everyone has and will use to get ahead. Everyone in one way or another will take advantage of you not matter how cunning you are, in the end you never wanted to play this game but you have to; therefore play it the way you want it. Regardless of how many jobs you get, you will sooner or later feel the moment where you know you are overworked and underpaid.

I’ve seen what money can do to someone. It can hurt them so much for someone well devoted into material wealth. How much would invest in making the money today to later be a pay obsolete? Would you spend 2 weeks on a job? 1 year? What if I told you if you include post secondary, you spent a minimum decade of your life for the small stipend? Sorry to put you off working or demanding your employer for more, but let me finish. Even with working hard to the best  of your ability, just step back and enjoy life. Beyond making money, know how to spend it on yourself.  Definitely learn more than just the skills to pay bills. Life is a spectrum and finances is a large shade in the rainbow.

Even I don’t have a lot of experience or have a job to sort me out. By now, the people I know have been working hard to only be complaining their work. Some are fairly well off but the majority are struggling, I’m one of them. At my age, I’m still not sure if I worked too much or not enough.

Enough Time

The past year hasn’t been the best year in my life. There were days I wish I had more time, less time, or wished to go back in time. Time – time is something special to me. As the world wakes and slumbers, I sometimes lay in the darkness thinking of time. As I stare into the black abyss, I spend time thinking of time; wasting time on time when I need time to sleep.

We found ways to measure time; we can make them feel like long durations or short fragments. We can count the days to the very seconds. Then there are moment; the moments where time doesn’t seem relevant but for some of us, we want more or less of them. For me, I’m bipolar on time; I am a bright optimistic yet heavy realistic.

Time realistically, does not stop. Objective and subjective, time can slow and speed up relatively but it will never stop. No matter how hard you want to hold on to those moments and live within them, time takes those moments away from you. We remember those moment; good or bad. We can try and remember as much as we can in those moments but in the end we’re not perfect; we forget but we try to hold on to those times. A day goes by, then a month, then a year; we still remember those moments. We relentlessly lament and struggle to hold on or let go. When we try and remember, time still moves on and forget the moment we have which is the here and the now.

In time and moments, we never count them even with our measures and standards. We can monetize time and we can ration time, but we hardly spend it the way we would like it. We use to for the service of others but never for ourselves. “How can we spend time ourselves?” That’s a question I don’t have specific answer to however I can only provide an insight. There are self-helps that tell you to enjoy life and love yourself and put away time for things you want to do. Cliché but true, life in essence the time we have until death; so if you are happy and enjoying life, wouldn’t that be time well spent?

Time can be very cruel, looking back on my own life there are things I wish I had more time for; even more time for those moments. Those moments where you wake up to a warm summer’s morning. Moments laughing, holding hands, loving and being loved; those moments where time doesn’t seem to matter but you want to last forever. By the end and in time, you wish for more things you could’ve done in those moments. And recently, I wish I had more time. I know people say “you are a young person, you have a lot of time.” I know they’re better liars than I am, no one has lot of time. We all have the same time, we are only lucky if at the end to have just a few more months or years. You will never have more than in your 20’s than in your 50’s and vice versa, whether we choose to measure it or not. In my mid 20’s, I wish I could have use my time better when I was 21 or 22, I wish I could’ve done things better in my mid-teen years. I wouldn’t spend it on working or learning, but just time to really put it where it matters. The moments. The moments we live and love, we live for and want more of because the next will never be the same as the moment before it. A moment of time can be a power thing, it can destroy you or build you.

I am not envious of those who work more than I do nor do I pity them for hours of labour everyday. Money is a motivator to spend time away from themselves.  Time is as precious and sentimental as money, spend it well and it will reward you. In my own personal world, money should not be the main concern. Life is moving all around me to really worry about gaining material wealth. Of course I would like some wealth, but what’s the point of having wealth when you don’t have much life left in you to really go out there and spend? As a young guy looking ahead, I rather spend as much time as I can to enjoy my youth before I have little of it left. Spend it on worthy pursuits and then in time, perhaps find those moments. So when I grow old, I can look back and remember those moments and be happy for the time I spent to get there.

Until next time, we will never have a day like today…except for today.

Overcoming My Own Obstacles

If you’re like me, you know you fallen onto so really bad times in your personal. You get into trouble or trouble finds you. When it comes down to it, everyone lives in pain. Whether it is mental or physical, we all have a weight on our shoulders. When we take it off, more is added and when we keep it on, the more heavier to feels.

There will be days when you get through the day dragging this baggage. For some, there are days when this baggage will hold you down and relentlessly beat you until you cannot fight anymore. For me, I have lived through the best and worst parts of my life and looking back on it, I still fear there will be days when I will be held down by my self. Through my voice, people would see someone tumbling through rough patches and small walls of negativity. Through my mind, I am a man standing in a warzone; battered and beaten as I lay hurt in a crater of mud and layered in sweat. Shocked to see how far I still need to travel, I know in my state I cannot run nor walk to safety. As the raindrops fall on a darkened sky, I know I’m still clutching on myself and what’s left.

People would describe succinctly as feeling depressed or sad. In reality, it’s an internal battle of self and the unknown enemy. The enemy knows you well to stop you in your tracks. The enemy knows where you will move and how to distract you. They will do what they can to hurt you and break you down. In this struggle, there are many who never see the end of the fight. Then there are those who dig in and make their stand. For those who don’t know this feeling from back to front, they will never understand how difficult it can be when it has destroyed you and you have to piece yourself to carry on.

When it comes to fighting, know your enemy. You can be hardest person on yourself or you can be the greatest asset in the arsenal. Once know how you are stopping yourself, you can find a way around it and push forward. You feel empty and without purpose? Find something with meaning and devote yourself to a goal. You feel you cannot live through the day? Get dressed and show the world you can live each day and each day is worth living. You lost a love? Find something worth loving, including yourself. Sometimes the the smallest step forward can lead to an aggressive advance to the right direction. All you need is one step, one small step forward.

When you find yourself able to pick yourself out of the emotional holes you have fallen in, you need to learn to carry on without feeling heavy anymore. This is not a quick fix, it is time you will need to learn. As a teenager, I fallen into many holes whether I push myself into them or someone else threw me in. I was the loner, the loser, the idiot, the useless child and the weakest of the bunch. I wanted more to my life but with hormones on high and reason so low, I felt it was my fault I feel into these holes even though most wasn’t necessarily my own. I wanted to conform, find a group and be one of them. In the end, the answers I wanted are those I wouldn’t expect. I am different; I don’t fear to be different. It took me a long time to realize the answer I wanted are not the ones I really needed but the ones I felt I need because I saw them on others. In all the sadness I caused in myself, I just needed to be different.

You are different too. The world might tell you what they think you are; the reality is in what’s in you mind. If you want people to see you as a person you are not, you will definitely be unhappy in keeping with a facade that is not you and will never become you. Find yourself, how you are rather than how you want others to see. Do not fear what you will find and embrace who you can become.

When you find yourself, you will find it’s easier to crawl out of the holes you will fall. Sooner or later you will find yourself marching forward into the darkness. And together we will march towards the darkness to fight to the bitter end. We might be fighting different battles, but we must not let the enemy know we have given up. Keep fighting and you will find other who will stand beside you to keep fighting. Life is a war, you have the power to change what you make of it. It may be harder on others, but you have to know, we are all in it together and we will prevail.

Going Through the Motions

The past week felt like a breath of fresh air. Ever since the start of Autumn, I have been really busy with a lot of developments in my personal life. For the most part, I’m sorting out the finer details of adulthood and finally feel committed to improve myself. Still have I not found a place I want to be just yet, but I hope the shotgun of requests will find a way to get me somewhere.

This year with more games on my Steam account, I’m starting to get a lot of game updates around autumn. Though I am more than happy to play through these games. I worry I might be losing steam (Pardon the pun) when it comes to recording new  gameplay for my YouTube channel. Regardless, I will not give up on my channel just yet. For now as more new content, I would like to get into multiplayer co-op matches if I find them. Beyond recording, I’m playing through the new content from Interstellar Marines update 14, though it’s limited. I’m still hooked on playing Star Trek Online and it’s Delta Rising content has left me playing an hour a day exploring the new end game. On the Insurgency front, the new Nightfall DLC looks interesting; at the moment of this post, I’ve taken a peak of it on release. I feel like I could record more if I could somehow get my hands on new games. For the moment, I’ll settle with what I can buy and download. Gaming on a budget has it’s downfalls.

With YouTube and the new stuff, I have lacked in exercise. I promised I would keep exercising but I want to do more then just push ups while I wait for videos to render. I want more than just the usual. I would join gym but at the moment, my finances does not accommodate a gym membership at the moment. Maybe having a running buddy would be even beneficial, if I had a friend who enjoyed exercise. I’ll keep trying to stay fit while the weather gets more forbidding.

For now the new things in my life has to take precedence over the stuff I’ve created the past 10 months. Though the old and new my clash, both from my point of view have a part into my future. The only question is how much and would it be good for me.

Happier

The last week picked up fairly quick with better horizons ahead of me. I have been both very active and very tired, I’ve learned I’m a bit of a workaholic; the one thing I never thought I would become. 

Starting off, I’m reaching close to being straight broke. I’m slowly reaching out for welfare to keep myself afloat. My financial situation is a good smack to the face to job hunting. Even though I have been meticulously scouring all the resources available to me, I still think I’m still far away from where I want to be. The hardest I find about this is I don’t have enough to really keep going indefinitely. In my home grown pride, I don’t feel comfortable on handouts for food and funds but I think I might have to take advantage to what I can provide myself.

Just recently, I finally got a bit of employment and even with that, it’s not going to cover everything to keep me going. It’s not enough to help me move out and not enough to live on my own even with assistance from welfare. This is the irony of being born and raised in the city; I want to live here but at the same time the city seems like it doesn’t want me around. With all these “opportunities” you read about in the newspaper or from people who are living their lives and looking at you. Reality is never black and white and never the shades in between. At least a bit of employment than no employment at all; when you’re hungry and wanting more to your life, does it matter if you’re overworked and underpaid? On a positive note since I got a position working in the food industry, I get to learn more about making food and handling money; which is good especially when it comes to customer service positions in this city.

With more to do with my life, the less I feel I have to worry and the more I can feel productive. I feel really rejuvenated yet relaxed. It’s been too long since I felt a sense of purpose and the need to move quick. In the coming weeks, I hope my schedule will be packed with work. My aim is a 10am to 6 pm work schedule during the weekdays and be on call during the weekends. At the moment like a quest, my “on call” optional is done; just have to complete the main tasks to finish the quest.

Quick Change

Recently I have been taking stock of the past year; like every year before it, I try and compare myself to the previous year and find what I can do to improve myself. In the ebb and flow of time, the past year has felt more like burning bridges than building them.

From the start, I started out in a low part of my life. I thought six years ago was the lowest part of my life, within a short time I’ve definitely lucked out with the best parts of me. At the same time, I embarked a different things. I began exercising more regularly for starters. It hasn’t yielded results, it is something I want to commit to myself to live better and healthier. I have to admit I haven’t keeping up with it lately, I partially blame the season. The heat is a tad absent and the weather seems a bit more damp. Trust me, I’m trying to be fit and healthy and all that jazz.

Since January, I’ve revived my YouTube channel devoted to sharing games I like to play. For the moment I’ve stayed away from Kerbal Space Program since construction and travel takes awhile to do. Rendezvous with KOLab orbital station takes awhile in vanilla and I would like to play the entire series without the mods available to me. For now, hiatus on KSP but I’m working on playing other games. At the moment in the line-up, I am playing the early access of Interstellar Marines while using IndieDB to find interesting games to play like The Dwarves. Artistically, I have stepped away from making title cards for every video I’m making. I think rather than trying to promote my channel through a video, I should just focus on the gameplay. I’ll still make thumbnails though because it looks cleaner and well organized. A few things I should improve upon should be getting more games to play and demo. This is a bit more complicated because I don’t budget for entertainment stuff in my life. At the moment, my focus is on early access games and free to play. There are a good games that need to be out there than playing the trends. Though I do get into the mainstream and popular games, I want to show you guys the new and obscure games you’re missing.

I noticed my upload schedule has been a bit down lately, it’s for an important reason. I would like to devote more time looking for a job and trying to sort out stuff that’s going on in my life in meatspace. Only if I was a popular YouTuber or had some entrepreneurial prowess to start an internet company that just plays video games. It would be pretty amazing.

Until next time, this thanksgiving I am just thankful that even in all the bad things I don’t want to mention, there are shards of hope and happiness. And I hope this thanksgiving you guys are thankful for the happiness the world has brought upon you.

Nuit Blanche Toronto 2014

I do enjoy the arts, visual and auditory stimulation gets my heart pumping at times. Seeing the ways someone can express themselves through mediums in a manner which may be conventional and non-conventional is inspiring. However as a public display in a metropolitan city, things do get complicated fast and is more of a drunken party than the expression of the human heart and the creativity of the mind.

At the start of dusk, the festivities start with street side food as shops lock up for the night. Walking south on Spadina, the crowd slowly pouring into and out of Chinatown. Moving on the asphalt, density of the crowd becomes viscous as honey if not a thick dark syrup. As I wade into the epicentre the crowd seems joyous and enthused about the art. As I moved closer on foot,  the streets were littered with people enjoying the installations; varying in size, shape and meaning. It is unfortunate I was not able to travel to a quarter of these a exhibitions, here’s why.

At around 10 or 11, there were people who went for drinks and started to flood the streets with these boozed up bodies. As the night progressed, I kept getting bumped by people fumbling and stumbling. It reached to a point where it became a street party afraid as I see people harassing motorists and pedestrians alike. I did my best to enjoy it, but to the every street was full of drinkers, drunks and clubbers. To my realization, this city is full or drinkers; social and otherwise. As the night went on, it was just more and more a inebriated street party than an appreciation for art and talent. By the end, I was a bit annoyed and fatigued and went home to for a well deserved sleep in the early morning.

Out of the 10 hours I’ve been there, I can only say the best part was the start. The reason is clear, I don’t like drunks. In this city, way too many bars and way too many people wanting a beer. For those coming of age, here is some advice on drinking. Consume in a responsible manner and with responsible people. To you, it might be fun for you while you’re drunk but the sober folks have to deal with you crap. Trust me, you probably act and look like an idiot when you drunk.

I’ll still participate in events like Nuit Blanche again, but I’m going to only show up for the first hour because at least the crowds won’t be rowdy and drunk.

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