nawkcire

Games, Tech and Blogging…I can't guarantee in that order.

More Time

“I wish I had more time”, a phrase many have said and thought. As I said in my blog a couple weeks ago, you cannot go back in time nor can you get more time. Everyone lives with the same amount and it’s up to us to choose what we can do with the time we have. You can try and live healthy to for “more time” but in the end it’s just more time at the end.

Even if we measure it, time is perhaps the most precious thing in our lives next to our needs. We can reminisce about the past and hope for the future. The big question is how to spend the time we have now. People make choices based on what others expect them to be doing while some don’t have a slightest clue. Personally, I may not have the right answer but I do think I have something logical. When I think about my past, I mostly remember the good days I’ve spent, the good moments I’ve had. In my opinion, time should be spent on events that would make you feel good. When you look back on your life at the end, you have so much to remember. If there are a lot of good stories you can tell, you led a well fulfilled life. Regardless how you get these memories, this would be the best way to remember your own life; living happy.

If you need a starting point to find happiness, I would suggesting exploring yourself. Find the simplest things that can make you happy like go for a long hike, travel around your town or even just having a movie marathon. After just contemplate what you liked about the activity. We are so wired to pain and stress that we see the negatives all the time, but try and see the positives regardless.

So go ahead and fall in love, skydive and do all the crazy stuff you wanted to do. There is no better day than today.

Working Hard or Hardly Working

With a bit of employment coming my way, it’s making me starting to think if I am actually working or I’m working too hard. With ages of unemployment, this underemployment is making me re-evaluate a lot of things about how I view a job and work.

When I was young and recently, I never really seen money to be an issue. Living in the shadow of family, you grow up learning the kind of work you want for yourself. As a kid or a teen, you decide the kind of jobs you want to take on. You want to make money, enjoy work or have a light workload. Whatever the ideas you have in your head, they still mean something. Even if you find yourself in a lifeless position making minimum, there is some good to come from this. If can stick it out, you can tolerate more than you  with yourself and others. The harder you push yourself at something you did not want, you can push yourself to achieve something bigger. Know the bigger the problem will never yield the biggest reward, it’s a matter of definition of what you think is a “reward”.

To many and myself, money is a motivator. It keeps the lights on, your feet warm and a meal in front of you. You need it to pretty much to survive on this planet until everything collapses and we go back to hunting and gathering. You should be proactive in securing every possibility to earn everything you can. Whether it is making money from the government or picking up more work at your workplace, do what you can to make money. You are young and in these times, desperation is something everyone has and will use to get ahead. Everyone in one way or another will take advantage of you not matter how cunning you are, in the end you never wanted to play this game but you have to; therefore play it the way you want it. Regardless of how many jobs you get, you will sooner or later feel the moment where you know you are overworked and underpaid.

I’ve seen what money can do to someone. It can hurt them so much for someone well devoted into material wealth. How much would invest in making the money today to later be a pay obsolete? Would you spend 2 weeks on a job? 1 year? What if I told you if you include post secondary, you spent a minimum decade of your life for the small stipend? Sorry to put you off working or demanding your employer for more, but let me finish. Even with working hard to the best  of your ability, just step back and enjoy life. Beyond making money, know how to spend it on yourself.  Definitely learn more than just the skills to pay bills. Life is a spectrum and finances is a large shade in the rainbow.

Even I don’t have a lot of experience or have a job to sort me out. By now, the people I know have been working hard to only be complaining their work. Some are fairly well off but the majority are struggling, I’m one of them. At my age, I’m still not sure if I worked too much or not enough.

Enough Time

The past year hasn’t been the best year in my life. There were days I wish I had more time, less time, or wished to go back in time. Time – time is something special to me. As the world wakes and slumbers, I sometimes lay in the darkness thinking of time. As I stare into the black abyss, I spend time thinking of time; wasting time on time when I need time to sleep.

We found ways to measure time; we can make them feel like long durations or short fragments. We can count the days to the very seconds. Then there are moment; the moments where time doesn’t seem relevant but for some of us, we want more or less of them. For me, I’m bipolar on time; I am a bright optimistic yet heavy realistic.

Time realistically, does not stop. Objective and subjective, time can slow and speed up relatively but it will never stop. No matter how hard you want to hold on to those moments and live within them, time takes those moments away from you. We remember those moment; good or bad. We can try and remember as much as we can in those moments but in the end we’re not perfect; we forget but we try to hold on to those times. A day goes by, then a month, then a year; we still remember those moments. We relentlessly lament and struggle to hold on or let go. When we try and remember, time still moves on and forget the moment we have which is the here and the now.

In time and moments, we never count them even with our measures and standards. We can monetize time and we can ration time, but we hardly spend it the way we would like it. We use to for the service of others but never for ourselves. “How can we spend time ourselves?” That’s a question I don’t have specific answer to however I can only provide an insight. There are self-helps that tell you to enjoy life and love yourself and put away time for things you want to do. Cliché but true, life in essence the time we have until death; so if you are happy and enjoying life, wouldn’t that be time well spent?

Time can be very cruel, looking back on my own life there are things I wish I had more time for; even more time for those moments. Those moments where you wake up to a warm summer’s morning. Moments laughing, holding hands, loving and being loved; those moments where time doesn’t seem to matter but you want to last forever. By the end and in time, you wish for more things you could’ve done in those moments. And recently, I wish I had more time. I know people say “you are a young person, you have a lot of time.” I know they’re better liars than I am, no one has lot of time. We all have the same time, we are only lucky if at the end to have just a few more months or years. You will never have more than in your 20’s than in your 50’s and vice versa, whether we choose to measure it or not. In my mid 20’s, I wish I could have use my time better when I was 21 or 22, I wish I could’ve done things better in my mid-teen years. I wouldn’t spend it on working or learning, but just time to really put it where it matters. The moments. The moments we live and love, we live for and want more of because the next will never be the same as the moment before it. A moment of time can be a power thing, it can destroy you or build you.

I am not envious of those who work more than I do nor do I pity them for hours of labour everyday. Money is a motivator to spend time away from themselves.  Time is as precious and sentimental as money, spend it well and it will reward you. In my own personal world, money should not be the main concern. Life is moving all around me to really worry about gaining material wealth. Of course I would like some wealth, but what’s the point of having wealth when you don’t have much life left in you to really go out there and spend? As a young guy looking ahead, I rather spend as much time as I can to enjoy my youth before I have little of it left. Spend it on worthy pursuits and then in time, perhaps find those moments. So when I grow old, I can look back and remember those moments and be happy for the time I spent to get there.

Until next time, we will never have a day like today…except for today.

Overcoming My Own Obstacles

If you’re like me, you know you fallen onto so really bad times in your personal. You get into trouble or trouble finds you. When it comes down to it, everyone lives in pain. Whether it is mental or physical, we all have a weight on our shoulders. When we take it off, more is added and when we keep it on, the more heavier to feels.

There will be days when you get through the day dragging this baggage. For some, there are days when this baggage will hold you down and relentlessly beat you until you cannot fight anymore. For me, I have lived through the best and worst parts of my life and looking back on it, I still fear there will be days when I will be held down by my self. Through my voice, people would see someone tumbling through rough patches and small walls of negativity. Through my mind, I am a man standing in a warzone; battered and beaten as I lay hurt in a crater of mud and layered in sweat. Shocked to see how far I still need to travel, I know in my state I cannot run nor walk to safety. As the raindrops fall on a darkened sky, I know I’m still clutching on myself and what’s left.

People would describe succinctly as feeling depressed or sad. In reality, it’s an internal battle of self and the unknown enemy. The enemy knows you well to stop you in your tracks. The enemy knows where you will move and how to distract you. They will do what they can to hurt you and break you down. In this struggle, there are many who never see the end of the fight. Then there are those who dig in and make their stand. For those who don’t know this feeling from back to front, they will never understand how difficult it can be when it has destroyed you and you have to piece yourself to carry on.

When it comes to fighting, know your enemy. You can be hardest person on yourself or you can be the greatest asset in the arsenal. Once know how you are stopping yourself, you can find a way around it and push forward. You feel empty and without purpose? Find something with meaning and devote yourself to a goal. You feel you cannot live through the day? Get dressed and show the world you can live each day and each day is worth living. You lost a love? Find something worth loving, including yourself. Sometimes the the smallest step forward can lead to an aggressive advance to the right direction. All you need is one step, one small step forward.

When you find yourself able to pick yourself out of the emotional holes you have fallen in, you need to learn to carry on without feeling heavy anymore. This is not a quick fix, it is time you will need to learn. As a teenager, I fallen into many holes whether I push myself into them or someone else threw me in. I was the loner, the loser, the idiot, the useless child and the weakest of the bunch. I wanted more to my life but with hormones on high and reason so low, I felt it was my fault I feel into these holes even though most wasn’t necessarily my own. I wanted to conform, find a group and be one of them. In the end, the answers I wanted are those I wouldn’t expect. I am different; I don’t fear to be different. It took me a long time to realize the answer I wanted are not the ones I really needed but the ones I felt I need because I saw them on others. In all the sadness I caused in myself, I just needed to be different.

You are different too. The world might tell you what they think you are; the reality is in what’s in you mind. If you want people to see you as a person you are not, you will definitely be unhappy in keeping with a facade that is not you and will never become you. Find yourself, how you are rather than how you want others to see. Do not fear what you will find and embrace who you can become.

When you find yourself, you will find it’s easier to crawl out of the holes you will fall. Sooner or later you will find yourself marching forward into the darkness. And together we will march towards the darkness to fight to the bitter end. We might be fighting different battles, but we must not let the enemy know we have given up. Keep fighting and you will find other who will stand beside you to keep fighting. Life is a war, you have the power to change what you make of it. It may be harder on others, but you have to know, we are all in it together and we will prevail.

Going Through the Motions

The past week felt like a breath of fresh air. Ever since the start of Autumn, I have been really busy with a lot of developments in my personal life. For the most part, I’m sorting out the finer details of adulthood and finally feel committed to improve myself. Still have I not found a place I want to be just yet, but I hope the shotgun of requests will find a way to get me somewhere.

This year with more games on my Steam account, I’m starting to get a lot of game updates around autumn. Though I am more than happy to play through these games. I worry I might be losing steam (Pardon the pun) when it comes to recording new  gameplay for my YouTube channel. Regardless, I will not give up on my channel just yet. For now as more new content, I would like to get into multiplayer co-op matches if I find them. Beyond recording, I’m playing through the new content from Interstellar Marines update 14, though it’s limited. I’m still hooked on playing Star Trek Online and it’s Delta Rising content has left me playing an hour a day exploring the new end game. On the Insurgency front, the new Nightfall DLC looks interesting; at the moment of this post, I’ve taken a peak of it on release. I feel like I could record more if I could somehow get my hands on new games. For the moment, I’ll settle with what I can buy and download. Gaming on a budget has it’s downfalls.

With YouTube and the new stuff, I have lacked in exercise. I promised I would keep exercising but I want to do more then just push ups while I wait for videos to render. I want more than just the usual. I would join gym but at the moment, my finances does not accommodate a gym membership at the moment. Maybe having a running buddy would be even beneficial, if I had a friend who enjoyed exercise. I’ll keep trying to stay fit while the weather gets more forbidding.

For now the new things in my life has to take precedence over the stuff I’ve created the past 10 months. Though the old and new my clash, both from my point of view have a part into my future. The only question is how much and would it be good for me.

Happier

The last week picked up fairly quick with better horizons ahead of me. I have been both very active and very tired, I’ve learned I’m a bit of a workaholic; the one thing I never thought I would become. 

Starting off, I’m reaching close to being straight broke. I’m slowly reaching out for welfare to keep myself afloat. My financial situation is a good smack to the face to job hunting. Even though I have been meticulously scouring all the resources available to me, I still think I’m still far away from where I want to be. The hardest I find about this is I don’t have enough to really keep going indefinitely. In my home grown pride, I don’t feel comfortable on handouts for food and funds but I think I might have to take advantage to what I can provide myself.

Just recently, I finally got a bit of employment and even with that, it’s not going to cover everything to keep me going. It’s not enough to help me move out and not enough to live on my own even with assistance from welfare. This is the irony of being born and raised in the city; I want to live here but at the same time the city seems like it doesn’t want me around. With all these “opportunities” you read about in the newspaper or from people who are living their lives and looking at you. Reality is never black and white and never the shades in between. At least a bit of employment than no employment at all; when you’re hungry and wanting more to your life, does it matter if you’re overworked and underpaid? On a positive note since I got a position working in the food industry, I get to learn more about making food and handling money; which is good especially when it comes to customer service positions in this city.

With more to do with my life, the less I feel I have to worry and the more I can feel productive. I feel really rejuvenated yet relaxed. It’s been too long since I felt a sense of purpose and the need to move quick. In the coming weeks, I hope my schedule will be packed with work. My aim is a 10am to 6 pm work schedule during the weekdays and be on call during the weekends. At the moment like a quest, my “on call” optional is done; just have to complete the main tasks to finish the quest.

Quick Change

Recently I have been taking stock of the past year; like every year before it, I try and compare myself to the previous year and find what I can do to improve myself. In the ebb and flow of time, the past year has felt more like burning bridges than building them.

From the start, I started out in a low part of my life. I thought six years ago was the lowest part of my life, within a short time I’ve definitely lucked out with the best parts of me. At the same time, I embarked a different things. I began exercising more regularly for starters. It hasn’t yielded results, it is something I want to commit to myself to live better and healthier. I have to admit I haven’t keeping up with it lately, I partially blame the season. The heat is a tad absent and the weather seems a bit more damp. Trust me, I’m trying to be fit and healthy and all that jazz.

Since January, I’ve revived my YouTube channel devoted to sharing games I like to play. For the moment I’ve stayed away from Kerbal Space Program since construction and travel takes awhile to do. Rendezvous with KOLab orbital station takes awhile in vanilla and I would like to play the entire series without the mods available to me. For now, hiatus on KSP but I’m working on playing other games. At the moment in the line-up, I am playing the early access of Interstellar Marines while using IndieDB to find interesting games to play like The Dwarves. Artistically, I have stepped away from making title cards for every video I’m making. I think rather than trying to promote my channel through a video, I should just focus on the gameplay. I’ll still make thumbnails though because it looks cleaner and well organized. A few things I should improve upon should be getting more games to play and demo. This is a bit more complicated because I don’t budget for entertainment stuff in my life. At the moment, my focus is on early access games and free to play. There are a good games that need to be out there than playing the trends. Though I do get into the mainstream and popular games, I want to show you guys the new and obscure games you’re missing.

I noticed my upload schedule has been a bit down lately, it’s for an important reason. I would like to devote more time looking for a job and trying to sort out stuff that’s going on in my life in meatspace. Only if I was a popular YouTuber or had some entrepreneurial prowess to start an internet company that just plays video games. It would be pretty amazing.

Until next time, this thanksgiving I am just thankful that even in all the bad things I don’t want to mention, there are shards of hope and happiness. And I hope this thanksgiving you guys are thankful for the happiness the world has brought upon you.

Nuit Blanche Toronto 2014

I do enjoy the arts, visual and auditory stimulation gets my heart pumping at times. Seeing the ways someone can express themselves through mediums in a manner which may be conventional and non-conventional is inspiring. However as a public display in a metropolitan city, things do get complicated fast and is more of a drunken party than the expression of the human heart and the creativity of the mind.

At the start of dusk, the festivities start with street side food as shops lock up for the night. Walking south on Spadina, the crowd slowly pouring into and out of Chinatown. Moving on the asphalt, density of the crowd becomes viscous as honey if not a thick dark syrup. As I wade into the epicentre the crowd seems joyous and enthused about the art. As I moved closer on foot,  the streets were littered with people enjoying the installations; varying in size, shape and meaning. It is unfortunate I was not able to travel to a quarter of these a exhibitions, here’s why.

At around 10 or 11, there were people who went for drinks and started to flood the streets with these boozed up bodies. As the night progressed, I kept getting bumped by people fumbling and stumbling. It reached to a point where it became a street party afraid as I see people harassing motorists and pedestrians alike. I did my best to enjoy it, but to the every street was full of drinkers, drunks and clubbers. To my realization, this city is full or drinkers; social and otherwise. As the night went on, it was just more and more a inebriated street party than an appreciation for art and talent. By the end, I was a bit annoyed and fatigued and went home to for a well deserved sleep in the early morning.

Out of the 10 hours I’ve been there, I can only say the best part was the start. The reason is clear, I don’t like drunks. In this city, way too many bars and way too many people wanting a beer. For those coming of age, here is some advice on drinking. Consume in a responsible manner and with responsible people. To you, it might be fun for you while you’re drunk but the sober folks have to deal with you crap. Trust me, you probably act and look like an idiot when you drunk.

I’ll still participate in events like Nuit Blanche again, but I’m going to only show up for the first hour because at least the crowds won’t be rowdy and drunk.

In Desperate Times

Lots of dark chapters in human history. There are some we seem to glance over, exemplify or never recognize its significance. Coming towards a crises as a mind species, we could easily reflect on our actions but legitimize the plans we make for the future. The Europeans though it would be nice to have a fast trade route to Asia and Hitler wanted Germany out of debt, how can we predict a good action from a bad action?

As a child and teenager, I was always told “If you cannot remember the past, you are doomed to repeat it.” Only a very few phrases have ever stuck to me to shape the person I would become. I took history as a class an course through my school so I remember those pictures, those written experience; to remember what humanity has done onto itself. The troubling fact is I don’t remember myself. I don’t remember my childhood all that well and frankly, the parts I do remember terrify me and have scarred me. When people reminisce about their upbringing and ask to share my tale, I have to resort to two actions. Should I lie or tell the truth? One hand it would sound believable while the other will sounds either irrelevant or even people think I made it up. Fact of the matter, it’s a choice to say either but only one is the solid truth. The truth is never the right nor wrong answer, the truth is simply itself. Right and wrong is a judgement call from a third party bias. We distinguish right and wrong from what other’s tell us is right and wrong. This is the basis of law, is it not? It is the institution of drawing the thinnest line between good and bad and gets people to ensure we all stay on one side of this line and to always respect the line. As thin as you can draw the line, the easier for it to fade away and we see that in many ways. Is it murder when you do it self defence? How about if you do CPR on someone and they die? If you pushed someone out of harm’s way and accidently touched the inappropriately, would that be considered sexual assault? We do have laws in place of the exceptions but in my opinion, even with exceptions it would be in some cases an unbelievable tale to tell.

Within those split seconds to react to protect other, what is the overriding factor? In which instances are we more inclined for self preservation or peer preservation? Say generically we a thief who stole from you, would you rather have him steal money, food or your possessions? For whatever you picked if you caught him and explained himself, would you believe they were stealing to support themselves or their family? Now place yourself in the thief’s position; you are caught and you tell them the truth, do you think they would believe you?

Over the past week, I have hidden a truth to the world. I am at the breaking point where I am re-evaluating all the fundamental principles I was born and raised with to hopefully legitimize my next action. Back into a circle where two phrases stay in my mind; “This is bad” because all I learned go against these actions, “I need this to survive” because my current situation doesn’t allow me to think conventionally anymore. I am at a crisis where I will have to toss the rulebook aside and do what I have to do to survive or I might potentially die. If these actions are taken, I could get in trouble and void the opportunities I want to have for myself but I would live to keep moving on. In my mind, I wasn’t given the luxury to think in a grey zone. It has to be black or white, yes or no, do or die. Even my actions my seem small compared to others, some will have the comfort of thinking outside of my situation and find me as a misfit, a person on the opposite of the thin line. No matter what I did or what I say, I will be guilty and consequences will be made for a small action I committed because I chose to live one more day to work towards a better future. In essence, death is the only “right” answer at the moment but to me it is “wrong” answer.

In desperate times, do I choose slow death or survival? By the book or out with the book? Civility or necessity? These are the questions I am facing, real consequences affecting me as person and member of society.

Crowdfunding, Space and STD’s – Random Thoughts

I’m off the wall this week. I’ve been getting active and creative recently which has been churning out some random thoughts. Once again, I would like to be open about them regardless how random, dark or silly they are; here we go again, sit tight folks!

I am starting to think those people who want to never age are very self centred. You probably know some people  who go out of their way to say “I want to live forever.” First off, bad idea to go around to say that because I would get judgemental. Secondly, why would you ever want to wish immortality on yourself? To each day of your life at one age as others die around you. Your friends, family and pets; they will move on and you will be stuck as yourself at one state for the rest of your life. In this hypothetical if you were to live every day normally and remember everything, you will still be the same as you are forever. So in 60 years you will look like you and have the same vitality but at the same time, everyone you known and loved have passed on. You would become the loneliest survivor of death. What if everyone lived forever? That would be even more catastrophic. Considering the world and its resources, you have about 9 billion people on the planet all wanting the same things. They all want food, materials and shelter; what if they give birth to the next generation. Assuming the entire population was at adulthood and was split fairly between gender, we would have 4.5 billion children wanting the same. That would be 13.5 billion people wanting food! I don’t even think we have enough space at the moment to feed everyone let alone 13.5 billion. If we lived forever, our food demand would increase and it would be exponential. If immortality was existent, I wouldn’t want it because either my future will be lonely or crowded.

With all the conflicts and arms proliferation in the world, what if we took all the money which bought our weapons and war machines and put it into scientific pursuits? What can we human accomplished if we put money into developing new technology? Would be be able to solve our famines with science? Could we build space travel technology within the next 50 years? Perhaps viability for our first warp drive? If we had the money from all our recent wars put into colonizing Mars, would we even be there already? I am still optimistic about our society doing bold and amazing things if we tried hard enough to put aside our differences and do something to help us all. That’s how societies and nations are created, why can’t we just all get along and solve the problems with science?

There has been a lot of gadgets for PC developing at the moment, mostly toward immersive virtual reality. I’m all for VR for video games but I still like the tactile controls of mouse and keyboard; perhaps the occasional controller since most games don’t support controllers on PC. I’m still baffled on why can’t we just consolidate on one or two devices for PC. I have 3 attached to my computer for user input. Of course some manufacturers unify their devices to work on one port. I’m talking about have the one device that can do most if not all the input. I wouldn’t mind having a a device the size of a controller have keyboard functionality with a joystick that can be used as a mouse. When not for work, this nifty gamepad can be my game controller for games that require it. With smartphones, it’s a definite proven fact we can type with our thumbs. I think there may be an untapped market in having an all-in-one device for PC which is you keyboard and mouse and when combined turns into a nifty controller. Someone get on it!

I realized recently I’ve been looking through crowd-funding website for games. You can literally crowd fund for a lot of things now, want a shirt? Crowd fund! Need a video game idea come to life? Crowd fund! Really weird porno? Crowd fund! What about something big and huge, could we crowd fund a space program? Could we crowd fund a cure for cancer? I’ve read article of people having a go at space travel from homemade means. I wonder if they went public and allowed people donate, how much money would they gain from crowdsourcing a space program? I wonder what the rewards would be; if 15 bucks gets you a t-shirt, what would you get for 15 million? Perhaps a seat on the maiden voyage? What about stretch goals, would there be something worth doing as a stretch goal? Science is always trying to find new and cheap ways to do more science, maybe someday I might want to get on board crowdfunding a mission to the Moon or even Mars.

When I was a kid, I was into the first Matrix movie. The idea of plugging in and experiencing a network through firs person. At the time, the notion sounded amazing because then video games become very realistic. Looking back, maybe realism shouldn’t be so realistic. It should suck to die repeatedly in a video game. With my luck, I would sprain my ankle or get shot up like swiss cheese. If I remember correctly, if you get hurt in the Matrix then you get hurt in real life. With the current state of the Internet, I wouldn’t want to “jack in” to the world wide web. For one thing, the trolls; so many trolls that the beauty that is a city would be vandalised. Lastly viruses, there’s a lot of computer viruses. What if we have this technology and we have malware that can infect the brain. What would be the repercussions of of having your brain infected with rogue data and information? STD’s are scary enough, would you want a System Transmitted Disease?

This has been another random thoughts. Until next time, keep being random!

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